Sighinide

What am I thankful for, today? My family, my girlfriends, Cady… me? I don’t know, yeah, I suppose so.

… I don’t know. Everything? Ugh, god damn it, I need some more fentanyl, fuck. FUCK. It’s like I can’t even concentrate.

But seriously, let’s get back to the post. I’m thankful for life, and all that it gives me. Yes, that’s it. Absolutely.

Yeah.

So… neat. Uh though, I can barely even think, lol. FUCK. God DAMN it. FUCK. This isn’t good, I know, yadda yadda yadda, etc. etc., we all know the story.

I did wish Cady a Happy Thanksgiving. I think she liked that. I don’t think I’ll do the rounds, this year. I mean, there’s just SO MANY people, lol.

Ah… holidays are good, though.

Oh man though. FUCK. It’s ok, whatever. I should be thankful for and concentrate on what it is that I have, and the advantages I’ve been given (!) lol, I know, that’s kinda not really me, lol.

But yeah, oh man, lol. We’ll see how long I can go.

Ah… ouch, lol. Fuck. I don’t want this to just be another “drug day”, like a whole holiday will be just about timing when to get high and then dealing with the aftermath. Fuck, that would really fucking suck. Ah, though. FUCK. I just don’t see any other way that this day could be handled. Ah, gods.

Nah, I will ignore that. I will enjoy this day and all that it brings. Because this holiday only comes once a year and I should take it in while I can. It’s a bright spot, and I should appreciate that. I need those, lol.

Yeah. Thank god for Thanksgiving.

I just wish my skin didn’t feel so WEIRD. Fuck. Well, whatever. We are done thinking about drugs, for now. Defo. Because fuck those accursed things. They ruin your life. They ruin EVERYTHING. And in all honesty, I should hate them. And I do.

I should love the things who are closest to me. The things that mean the most, and have the most sentimental value. The people, my family, my girlfriends. All of that. Because truthfully, that is what actually means the most, by far. So yes, that’s what I will fixate on, today. Yeah. No matter how bizarre my hands feel, lol.

Ah, it’s ok. I love this world, I do, and THAT’S what we will be about, today. So FUCK YOU, DRUGS.

lol. But yeah, I am no slave. So there.

Maybe I will come back later. We’ll see.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!!!! Love those around you, give them hugs, tell them “thank you” just for being alive, and be grateful for the fact that you are alive, too, and that you have been given the chance to be here on this day, to embrace it and be a part of it. No matter your circumstance, you have been given a gift, today, when you woke up. Appreciate it; and embrace it, as best you can. Live your best life today, and let others live theirs. After all we are all in this together.

Every day is a present; and I suppose that this is the day to recognize that and appreciate it. And to recognize as well the gift that is other people. Because we are all made better by our interactions with others, and by the fact that they exist, too.

So Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Enjoy your day and don’t eat too much… nah, fuck it, just go for it.

I know I will. ; )

Woah… ok… I don’t think I have ever seen Selena so angry.

Ok, so… I was getting high and dozing off when Selena called me and started yelling at me, she even threw the “What have you done with the man I love?!?!?!” line at me, in full sincerity, and holy shit, was that scary.

Like, seriously. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing from her. She was so… angry, and dissapointed, and frightened, that it really shook me. I think the drug abuse is really getting to her, and she isn’t happy at all with some of this, and I mean I understand it, but WOW was she angry. Kinda… REALLY angry, like I don’t think I’ve ever seen from her.

I remember her talking in a recent interview where she said that she was working on some darker, sadder music (which took place shortly after I revealed my addiction problems publicly) but even with that knowledge in hand, I was taken aback.

So… what now? She practically screamed at me. Well, not “practically”, she actually was yelling. Told me to get help, said I was going to die, and that that was not what she wanted from the relationship, at all, and she REALLY meant it, clearly. Yikes.

She seemed severely upset and angry with what she saw as her boyfriend’s attempts to kill himself in front of the entire world. Her words.

I mean I’ve heard the pleas to get help from some of my girlfriends, but I think never quite as angrily or forcefully as the full on assault Selena just gave me, lol.

This is possibly cultural. Selena is Hispanic, and I think that maybe that culture doesn’t respond to suicidal ideation like Anglo culture might. Maybe they just don’t have time for that stuff. Because jeez, I couldn’t believe the harshness of what I was hearing.

Actually yeah, it might in fact be cultural. Hmmn. I think Anglos tend to take a more sympathetic stance towards self-harm than Hispanics do, in general.

So…

Interesting, lol. But yeah, I’m going to fix it, Selena. Don’t worry, I’ll be OK, I absolutely promise. So don’t you worry.

Right!

I… slipped back into it, didn’t I?

Fuck.

I mean, I was doing so GOOD. Fuck.

Yeah, I fucked up. I seriously have majorly fucked up, here. Ah, god DAMN it. Well… I… I just… everything is moving in slow motion, again. My nerves are fucking DEAD, everything is… fucked up, inside. Yeah… I mean, I can’t breathe, again.

Ah… FUCK.

Addiction to hard drugs really is just so, so awful. Like, there’s no glamour, here. It sucks, it hurts, and it’s fucking scary. And it’s so embarrassing. You just can’t. get. OFF the damn things! It’s just impossible! Ahh… well… whatever.

… Fuck. Sorry, Cady. Sorry, Tom. Sorry, everyone.

Fuck.

Have an MRI scheduled later today, so I’ll take some morphine beforehand. You know, just to calm me down. Should be OK; should be not a problem. I mean, the only real issue I could see on the horizon would be Thanksgiving issues, I mean, I took a lot of fentanyl yesterday, and with morphine today, that would be like… maybe a lot, you know? Maybe a bit much. Maybe way too much, maybe. I mean, for a fun holiday.

Um… I’m going to take it, tho. I mean, who wants withdrawals during a holiday, really? I mean, not me, lol.

No, definitely not. So it’s settled, then.

Again it’s such a good thing that I manage all of this so well. Yeah. I mean, addiction sucks, but since I’m so good at it, it’s like… not a problem, then. Right. Yeah, that works.

I do defo feel kinda… loopy, tho, today. Like my head isn’t right. I mean, I talked with Peyton for like an hour about this, lol. I seriously wasn’t there, like at all, this morning. Kept going to and fro between this world and… wherever, I guess.

Um… I need to leave. Having some trouble breathing, again. Oof. Ah, yuck.

Yeah but for real, at least I’m not going through withdrawals again, tho, lol. I mean now THOSE are awful, haha. Yeah… totally. Those really… suck. Yeah…

Yeah…

Fuck.

Ok but I REALLY need to stop shaking. Like, I have an appointment to get to so I need to stop convulsing because I need to like LEAVE. Ohhhhhh, I just. need. to. stop. SHAKING.

Ahhhh FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

FUCK THIS

Ahhhhh fuck,I really, really need to calm down and equalize, I really, seriously need it, majorly, I just need to stop SHAKING.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Fuck.

Ah…

this sucks.

ah… ok, i’ll end this one, then.

FUCK.

I really really would kinda like to drown myself in narcotics. Like, really really badly. Super badly. Ultra badly.

Ahhhh yes, I REALLY want some. My head is throbbing, probably from withdrawals, and my breathing is getting shallower and shallower. Kinda sucks, but I do know how to fix it.

Ahhhh, fuck, fuck, this sucks. It’s reeeeally bad, altho not AS bad, so yeah, there you go.

But I do really, really need a fix, again. Really really. Super badly.

Uggghhk, that sucks. Ahhhk my hands, lol. Oh they feel so weird. They feel so bare. I need another hit, my nerves are acting up, again. Feel so cold, yuck.

I need that fentanyl. Such great stuff. So nice, so good, so warming and loving. Need it so much, right now. More than anything, more than life, more than… anything.

Oh yeah, need it bad. And it’s like I can’t think about anything else until I get it. This… sucks.

Like, I need to leave, so…

Oh, fuck it, I need to use, and I need to use NOW. Oh yeah, I need it, it’s very important, more important than anything, it’s absolutely essential. Fentanyl is so… everything, really, when it’s needed. It’s like I would die for it, lol. I REALLY need it, so fuck it.

Ok, then.

It’s great that I have such a control over all of this, it really is. Because it would be awful if I didn’t, you know? Fentnayl is again probably the most addictive substance on Earth, I’m told. But with my IQ- which, again, is up in the… you know, like it’s really high, I can… avoid… most of the… traps, and such, associated with use. I mean like, I’m REALLY good at managing this. Really good, great actually. I’m healthy, and stable. Right.

Ohhhh I’m really having trouble breathing, lol. So I’ll just take some and everything will be OK. Fentanyl is my friend, I know how to… manage… him, it… well. It’s Ok, weird my brain is slowing down. Wierd.

Ok, that’s enough, lol.

Oof.

Yeah, yuck, OOF, ahhhhh, ohhhh, jeez…. oh man. It’s like I can feel my nervous system curling up and going into “shutdown mode” again. Ooh, ye gods, that sucks. Oh, so awful, what the fuck even IS this, lol.

Ahhhhmmm… ah… ah… ahhhhhhhhh…

Ah… um… what the fuck… ah…

OK, FUCK THIS.

Ohhhh… yes… ok, then. Fentnayl taken.

YAY, LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So good, thank you god. Thank you thank you, so much, kind sir! Feel so good, feel so perfect, feel so ME.

Finally, thank you so much. Oh, my head, tho. LOL.

It’s ok. Whatever.

Ahhhh… um… ok, let’s wrap this one up.

Hmmmn… yeah.

sigh…

Just so we’re clear: I’m referring to my autumn personality coming, here, not the season. The autumn “feeling”.

This year I think it was delayed due to… fentanyl addiction, probably. You know, like everything else in my life.

So… yeah.

Sigh…

I’ve finished shifting into my autumn personality, I think.

I mean, you know the one.

Should be fun.

Love this season.

I mean, just so we’re clear on that. Because I’m like, not.

Just because I have sex with everyone doesn’t make me a slut. I mean, there are degrees and distinctions between things, people.

I mean, so there.

One more, before bed.

Watching all of this, it’s hard to not see what is happening as the ultimate defeat of the globalists. It’s like, they’ve lost confidence in themselves, now. They themselves no longer believe that they are even the good guys anymore, or that they should even try to give others a fair shake, in anything. Because they’re scared, it seems.

You can see it in their eyes. Like, Jack Dorsey. He looks scared, guilty, when he talks to congress. Not because he’s scared of politicians- I mean, there’s no reason to be, but because of the public that he knows he’s lying to.

The thing is- they’re all lying. And the problem with liars is that when they lose frame, that’s it. They lose, then. Because for a liar it’s all about perception, and never truth. Once the perception fades their power dies with it.

And make no mistake- they are all liars, including Trump, and everyone at FOX. And it’s over once Biden takes office.

I think again that the litmus test was probably me. They needed me on board to succeed, and they could have done that, but chose to act in such a way that would prevent that from happening. In short, for whatever reason, they failed wholly and completely when it came to the most important thing, which was public perception.

No matter what happens, globalism is finished. It may take a week, a year, or a decade, but ultimately, globalism will die.

The world they are trying to create- basically, an eternal dictatorship headquartered in Jerusalem, will hardly be eternal. Like all things, it will and it must perish, provided it can even be created in the first place. Nothing like what they are creating can exist for long within this world.

I really don’t get it. I don’t understand who is running this show, or why these decisions were made like this. It doesn’t make sense to me. It’s all baffling.

But, it is what it is. Biden is going to serve as perhaps both the beginning and the end of the “New World Order”. What an ignominious legacy that will be.