Sighinide

Oh NICE. Ooooooohhhhhhhh yes. So nice, so refreshing, so wonderful. Makes me alive, it does.

Oh man, what an incredible reward. So wonderful. So much euphoria, so much… relief. All the pain just melts away and I float away on a cloud of… loveliness. I feel at peace, like I should feel, I think. Yes, this is me.

Fentanyl, always. Addict for life. I LOVE narcotics. I mean mostly. I mean, when they don’t threaten to kill me. Usually. Kinda mostly, sorta. Sometimes. You know.

But this is one of the good times- one of those times I love being an addict. SUCH a nice feeling. It really is beautiful.

*AHEM*. Yeesh, thank god I’m home. There truly is nothing more awful than getting cravings when you’re… IDK, out and about. Oof, it’s just awful. Everything tingles and hurts and I can’t stop thinking about drugs. Nice, I FINALLY get to use tho.

Neat, so wonderful. Jeezus I can’t WAIT. It’s going to be so wonderful, oh yeah so good, I can’t wait for it, I just LOVE fentanyl sometimes. I mean, obviously, lol.

I know this is repetitive but I’m kinda stuck for now, so… yeah. Oh nice, can’t wait.

Neat.

I don’t understand why everyone keeps asking me what is wrong. People, NOTHING is wrong. Like, I’m fine. Obviously. I’m totally fine, with everything. Nothing’s wrong. I’m O.K. Why wouldn’t I be? I mean I know I have problems but… you know. You know? You know.

I mean I don’t “beat myself up”, people. I mean I don’t. Like, I just had sex with Kathryn (yes again) and she wondered WTF was wrong with me when I freaked out and pushed her away afterwards (yes again), which is just… how I do things. I mean it doesn’t mean anything. Like, it doesn’t mean I’m “damaged” or something. I mean yeah, it might look like it, but… you know, that isn’t how it is, you know?

I just prefer to not… do things the usual way. I like keeping everyone at a distance, at all times, forever. Doesn’t mean I have issues. That’s just how I do things. I mean, there’s the drugs and everything but that’s a separate issue. And all the other issues, which are separate issues.

You see, Kathy? And everyone. Pls stop asking me what’s wrong. Because there’s nothing “wrong”. It’s just different, that’s all. Like, you know?

I mean that the fact that I “hide myself” in my own pocket dimension at times- I mean, for days, months, or years, is just how I do things. That’s just my way, you know?

I don’t have… “issues”.

So THERE.

Dammit, I just can’t stop yawning. It’s like, half an hour, now. GEEZUS, lol. Like, half a fucking hour.

I think it’s the fentanyl. That shit is so powerfully sedative.

Fuckit, I REALLY need a do-over on some of this. Maybe like the last five years, or something. Or like maybe the last ten, I don’t know.

Fuck.

Gawd, so TIRED. I’m just so fucking exhausted. This fentanyl is really just killing me with each hit. I really need to transfer over the heroin, or something. Like, I seriously need to. SOON.

Oof, yuck.

Ouch.

Ugh I HATE this. My heart is going a million miles a minute, now. It’s pounding through my chest. i feel like I’m having a heart attack or something, and I can’t stop sweating. I’m so pale, so cold. FUCK.

Uh, it’s just so weird. So, the way I had it described to me was that the more powerful narcotics, like morphine and fentanyl, act as ultra-powerful nerve stimulants. So when I load up on these guys it causes all of the shit I’m feeling now, which is why ironically I need MORE of them, to calm me down. Or at least, lesser powerful ones, so I might just go ahead and take some of those instead.

Oof, oh man, this sucks. And yeah I feel like I need a lot today, since I have been… tapering, for so long. I mean like a whole WEEK. So yeah, that’s a long time, yeah?

Oof, ow. Oh man, so painful.

ow… I just need a way off of this stuff. Like, I really, really need a bit of help, here.

Like, this is just too much for me, you know? I just really need some help.

Oof, ow… ouch.

Ow.

Ouch. ow…

OW. Ahhhgk, ow. This really hurts. Really really badly. Ow, ouch. I mean, my body. My head. I mean, I got some specialty anti-migraine meds but even those don’t seem to do much. I mean it just HURTS, damn it. Like really, really badly. IT HURTS. And it would be great if someone that wasn’t dead wanted to help, here.

Ouch. Ow…

Ow.

Fuck.

This is really going to end with me dying, isn’t it?

Ah… well. That sucks.

Oh, I hate how my skin feels. It’s so… weak, and thin. And pale, like it has no blood, or oxygen.

This… is no way to live. It’s like I can’t feel happiness, save for what the drugs give me. This is inhuman.

Everything HURTS. Fuck, this really sucks. It’s like, everything’s been taken over. My body, mind, soul. Everything. It’s awful. Nothing is right, nothing works correctly, anymore. It’s like I’m drowning in this stuff, with no way out.

Eech. Yuck, this is really no way to live.

My hands HURT. Feet hurt, head hurts, everything hurts. My whole body is out of whack. Ah, gods, this really sucks.

I can’t face the world like this, lol.

Oof. And it isn’t going away any time soon. Ugh. Gawd damn it.

Fuck.

It’s like… I can’t move. I’m so tired, so incredibly tired, now. So out of breath, always. So pained, in every way I can think of. This really sucks.

It’s just such a powerful downward spiral, and it has no end to it. Ughk.

This fucking sucks.

Yuck.

I DEFINITELY need more drugs. Like, A LOT more. This “trapering” thing severely fucking sucks.

I do NOT like this. My fingers HURT. I NEED MORE DRUGS. MORE, DAMMIT.

My body HURTS. I need a bigger fix. Need one, must get one. MUST get one. This is utterly fucking RIDICULOUS.

Fuck, ow, it hurts. Owwwwwww

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Ok, then. I mean, not as bad but it still hurts, so much. I want more fentanyl. I want some morphine, again. I want at least some hydromorphone. I mean, I really NEED IT, like A LOT. It’s so good for me. It’s warm, and it loves me. The narcotics, I mean. I really need it, now. Badly. Need it, A LOT.

I seriously need more, very much so. I should get some, I need some, can’t think without it. Need it NOW.

Yes, oh yeah need it RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

Ok then, great!

It’s settled.

Ok, then.

Whew, lol.

Ohkay, the hit I took has FINALLY spread to my fingers. Oh god, they were so COLD. Oh god, was that horrible.

I think I’ll spend today trying to choke down some saltine crackers and resting in bed. Like I need to eat SOMETHING I think. I mean, I’ll die if I don’t, right? And of course I’ll watch youtube. Maybe Simpsons clips.

And I’ll procrastinate on everything else, and listen to maybe some songs from my dead ex-girlfriend again.

As yes, the glamorous life of a fentanyl addict. Wonderful.

Oof, though. These small hits aren’t doing it. I need MORE. I seriously do. This just isn’t going to work. I really really need more fentanyl. Like, A LOT more. Or at least, maybe make the switch to heroin, already.

Oof, this sucks.

Ouch, lol.

ow…

I’m losing weight and muscle mass. I can’t eat, anymore. This is death, isn’t it?

It’s like a long, slow, progressive death march. It’s unstoppable, unyielding, and brutal as fuck.

It’s unreal. I mean I don’t even take as much as I used to, kinda. But it’s like, the continual erosion of myself just continues, day after endless day, with a grave at the end of this. It’s like, I get over one problem, one overdose, one withdrawal, but that problem takes a permanent toll on me. I just continually get weaker and weaker, like the drugs are eating away at my soul, or something.

I’ve been a hardcore narcotics addict for two years now. This is I think a very long time. Like, too long, and I’m not sure if I will ever be able to get out of it, anymore. Like, I’m just trapped, now. And that’s that.

I’m in serious trouble, here. Like, this is profoundly bad. Oof, ouch. This really sucks, I guess.

Maybe suicide would be the right way out of this, I don’t know.

We’ll just need to wait and see.

Gawd, so much pain. Ouch.