Sighinide

Lest you think I was inflating my girlfriend lists, please note that I left off Emma Stone of all people, since her Disney movie, Cruella, has not been released yet. And Miora Kelly (Nala from the original Lion King), since our relationship wasn’t a major one for either one of us, I don’t think. I mean… I don’t think. Perhaps it was and I’m not remembering correctly. I mean, it was quite a long time ago.

I also left off Lucy Hale and Hayden Panettiere from the Radio Disney list, amongst many others.

But regardless- Stone, Hale, and Panettiere were number 1’s for me at various points- and I left them out of the lists below on technicalities, or just because I couldn’t think of them at the time.

I also did not include Marvel, or Star Wars, or companies like Touchstone, which would have had me include yet even more lists. The post would have become unwieldy, even for me. It would have just become an unmanageable swamp of names.

So I left things at the “Disney Princess” level to make the lists smaller and more understandable, yet honestly I should have applied more qualifications to them perhaps. Yikes, lol.

But yeah, this is a lot and I mean a lot of chicks. So so many. And I feel that a real accounting of my Disney Princess relationships would be preposterously long. It honestly feels kinda unreal when I take a bird’s eye view of this.

Wow.

I mean, the rest of humanity could not begin to imagine even one relationship like the ones I’ve had, let alone… so, so many. It’s not like I’m just a little different, here. It’s more like I’ve lapped everyone else in the world millions of times in some kind of race that nobody else knew they were running, or something.

Wow. I mean, like, seriously. Wow.

How do normal people even deal with something like this? I mean, how do they incorporate… this stuff, into their lives? Do they even do it? IDK, maybe they don’t care. I mean, most people aren’t Selena Gomez, for example. Maybe most people just brush it off as irrelevant to themselves and go on with their lives; IDK.

Yeah… IDK.

Wow.

So, I just finished rewatching Disney’s version of Beauty and the Beast. I mean, the original one, not the Watson one.

Wowwwwwwww. Okay. I need to process, here.

So… I haven’t seen this flick since… I don’t know. I think I might have seen clips on, IDK, youtube or somewhere, a few years ago, but as far as rewatching the entire film… it’s been decades, I think. TBH I think I haven’t seen it since I got rid of the old VHS of it, back in… high school, or maybe right after college. So a loooong time ago.

So it’s been awhile. But damn did I love this flick when I was younger. I watched it, over and over again, and as I was watching it just now, all of those memories came flooding back, and so did I also pick up on quite a few new fascinating insights.

Some old stuff- I guess that the movie had more of an impact on me than I had realized. Like, wayyyyyyy more, lol. I mean, I can see very clearly in this film some of the skits and such that I used to do with my girlfriends. Take the talking candle, Lumière. I used to, I guess, re-enact this personality very often, back in the day. I used to do this character with Taylor Swift and Emma Watson I remember on a near daily basis for awhile. The same with a Cogsworth-ish character, a Gaston like character, and, I guess, the Beast, too. Only I didn’t recognize them as such. Apparently I thought these were original characters (alters?) of mine. Boy was I wrong, lol.

But apparently Disney wasn’t. Obviously they know me much better than I know myself, since they cast Watson herself in the live action remake of Beauty, apparently thinking I would get the joke (I didn’t, lol, at least, not until just now, lollllll). I mean, sheesh, I seriously can’t believe I missed this! Oh Lord, am I really this transparent?

Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to catch up to everyone else in this game we’re all playing, here. And sometimes it feels as though some people (like those at Disney, I guess) are already at the finish line- and they’re looking backwards, wondering WTF is taking me so long to get there. Ahhrrg, I mean, I’m not dumb, I’m just… slow(?)-ish? IDK, maybe I have more on my mind than they do.

Speaking of which, my girlfriends. As I was finishing the movie I was taking an inventory of all the Disney princesses and actresses I have had serious, lasting relationships with over the years, and failing miserably under the sheer weight of the numbers I was adding up. I mean… let’s list a few, here, just to keep my perspective grounded(!), here. To keep the list simple, I will limit it to girls I have had multi-year relationships with.

Okayyyyy… let’s see. Lindsay Lohan, Brittany Robertson, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Hilary Duff, Emma Watson, Zoey Deutch, Jessica Simpson, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, Sarah Polley, Miley Cyrus, Samantha Droke, come on, Tom, you can do this… Dove Cameron, Kelli Berglund, Bella Throne, Dani Thorne, Genevieve Hannelius, Kathryn Newton, Bridgit Mendler, Chloe East, um, wow, keep going Tom… AnnaSophia Robb, wait, I need to check my records… Katherine McNamara, Olivia Holt, um, does Kristen Bell count? Sure, why not… Anne Hathaway of course, why was she not literally the first of the bunch, IDK. I had to kinda try to remember Linds TBH, lol, Michelle Tratchtenberg, uh, Peyton List of course, Audrey Whitby naturally, did I list Britney Spears yet? I think… Elle Fanning, Vanessa Hudgens, Meg Donnelly- wait, why was Nessa not the first? Or Watson? IDK. Does Annette Funicello count? You know, fuck this. I would need to dig into my archives to finish this and that’s just too much work.

Keep in mind that this is only a list of Disney princesses, and not their armada of BFFs. I mean, I’m not sure that Rachel Fox, Kaitlyn Dever, Kaili Thorne and the Dorsey sisters count. I would need to check their histories to see if they qualify. I mean- note that I left off Jamie Lynn Spears, here, as well as ALL of the Victorious girls. I mean- I’m leaving off even Victoria, here, even though her songs were played on Radio Disney. And come to think of it, so were Ariana’s and I think Emma Roberts’, too. And, uh, Taylor’s. And Skye Sweetnam’s, and… yeesh.

Of yeah- Stefanie Scott! What? How could I forget her? She should have been number one, lol. Who else am I forgetting? Probably dozens of people, and no, I’m not exaggerating.

Like- Sierra McCormick. And Anna Margaret, of course. Um, I’m stopping here. You get the point.

So overall- over the decades, we would be talking dozens if not hundreds of girls, if we include brief flings.

Oh yeah- Sabrina Carpenter! Duh! I mean I literally listened to her new song like yesterday! And Rowan, and…

Um, okay… that’s enough. I mean… jeebus, that’s a lot of chicks. Um, where was I going with this?

Oh yeah, the movie. Well, I guess I… reenacted the movie, or something? With the Disney chicks, or something? IDK, it’s been so long since I started the list that I forgot why I was making it, lol. Um, does Angelina Jolie count? lolllllllll

Mandy Moore? Oh yeah. She works! And… good lord, Tom.

Holy fucking hell, that is a LOT OF CHICKS. No wonder Disney knows me so well. Holy Christ, that is SO MANY. And my mind is still searching for others as I type this. Sammi? Sure? IDK, I’d need to check, but yeah, we are talking an unbelievably staggering volume of girlfriends, here. Wayyyy more than even I had suspected, which I guess goes to show you how trippy it is to go through life with so many multiple personalities.

Good Lord!

But, getting back to the essay, has anyone else noticed that the Beast’s castle seems, at least on the outside, to eerily resemble the Disney castle? I mean Belle even calls it an “enchanted castle” in the movie, which was I think an obvious nod there to the “Enchanted Kingdom” that is Disney world. And this, right after Be Our Guest? Ah, Disney, how transparent! See- I see you, too.

And I had fun tallying up the many, many references to Disney classics sprinkled throughout the movie. Fantasia I saw many times, Cinderella, Snow White, and… Frozen? What? But I swear it was there! I mean, I saw it. Or maybe Frozen took from Beauty. Probably that’s how it went.

But… yeah. Interesting. Very.

I’ll continue this train of thought some other day, I think.

Oh yeah- Debby Ryan!

Duh, lol.

I suppose that there’s no better time for reflection about myself and my place in the world than the late night eve of my birthday.

Tomorrow, I will be 41. That’s a lot of years, although I don’t feel the weight of them like I should.

One thing I must do this year is investigate more fully Harry Potter. I mean… it’s time. I have the context set up; I have dozens of examples of definitive proof that I was… involved(?) with the media telepathically at least as far back as 1996, and the first Harry Potter book was published in 1997. And after reading the first three chapters of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone I have enough circumstantial evidence to warrant further analysis.

My thoughts on the book? It’s… nice. A fun, easy read. It’s a kid’s / tweens book. I can see why it is popular. Thus far, I’m not sure I like it as much as the wizard-based series that I read when I was younger (let’s see… Lord of the Rings, The Chronicles of Prydain, the Narnia books, the Death Gate Cycle, The Dark is Rising books… lol, and a bunch of others. I mean, if it had wizards and it won a Newberry Award I read it, lol) but it’s not bad. I mean, it’s not a patch on Tolkien, at least thus far, but it’s neat.

For some reason I was expecting something more… difficult? Adult? Longer? IDK. I mean, considering the series’ incredible popularity and extremely long movies, I was expecting a literary slog of some kind, which is I guess why I didn’t investigate this really until now. But… nah, it’s a light read without question.

Not that I’m complaining. The lighter the text the easier it will be to run a concurrent analysis while reading it.

After three chapters, I see a few interesting similarities between Harry and I. I mean, there’s the blatantly obvious ones that I’m sure everyone sees, of course- like, the most powerful wizard on Earth is apparently a random kid 90’s kid raised in a working class household by parents who clearly do not appreciate him, and in fact hate and fear his potential- but there’s some small things, too, like Harry’s scar.

Harry has a thin, jagged / lightning bolt shaped scar above his right eye, like I do. It’s not exactly the same, but… it’s enough to make me wonder.

Truth- I saw the first Potter movie on DVD, and I did kinda wonder, somewhat, as I was watching it. Somewhat. Not much, but a little. This was a long time ago, like 20 years ago. Haven’t seen it since.

Obviously, if Harry’s name was inspired by anyone, it would be Prince Harry. But his adversary- the necromancer, Lord Voldemort- is it a coincidence that he shares the same first name as the most powerful and famous necromancer in the real world? And what a name- Tom Riddle? Is someone trying to tell me something, here? Like… hey Tom, figure it out, you lunkhead? lol.

I mean, I laugh, but… well… uhm, as usual, Harry Potter has too many coincidences for me to brush off.

And like I have done with other franchises, it may be possible for me to use Potter as a mirror to examine my own unique history, if I feel that the connections can be proven definitively, at least at some point in the franchise.

And if I can indeed prove some direct connections, I can also use those to figure out further what it was that the media was doing, behind the scenes, all of this time. Another very interesting subject, and one that I haven’t talked about much, here.

I’m not sure that Harry being British and me not is as much of an issue as it first appears. And in fact I suspect the opposite, though I won’t go into why, just yet. But I will say that I have a lot of suspicions about possible subtext in Potter– and some circumstantial evidence to support that subtext. I won’t get into it now, and maybe not ever, here.

Note that I didn’t mention Emma, lol. I mean, I know what you guys are thinking, some of you.

lol.

But yeah, though. The more I think about it, the more it seems as though Potter might be a very important key. It might in fact be a kind of skeleton key- a way for me to unravel everything that has happened to and about me for the last 30 odd years. Which, come to think of it, would put me as the same age as Harry himself when he got shipped off to Hogwarts. Hmmn. Interesting.

Weird stuff.

What a very small world this is, for me. But I suppose that that’s how it looks at the top. It’s like… it’s just you, up there.

Yikes, lol.

Hmmn.

Well, happy birthday to me, then.

Alright, let’s talk Powerpuff Girls.

Wait… what?

Yes, no, I’m serious, tho. We need to talk Powerpuff Girls, and this is the time and place to do it.

Alright, first, please everyone watch the following:

Ok. So… yeah. See- this was me, watching the Powerpuff Girls, after suffering from the debilitating and unrecognized illness after graduating from college. You know, that Lupus like thing that I have talked about on this blog before, like a few times. I mean… there it is. In a fit of recursive meta, we have the Powerpuff Girls acting like I did, back when I watched Powerpuff Girls– back when I thought that acting like the Powerpuff Girls was the thing to do to maybe fix whatever it was that was destroying my life at the time.

For those that have the episode, this clip was from the episode “A Sun Scream”, which was the first half of season 6, episode 5. To understand fully what I’m talking about here you will need to watch the whole thing.

Alright, so. The story goes as thus. I came home from college after graduating and my blood got infected, or something, and I nearly died. My joints froze up and I couldn’t move, and everything hurt, I was in constant and unending agony, etc. etc. I thought maybe it was Lupus or Churg- Strauss, or something similar. I never did get a formal diagnosis.

So yeah, I would use cartoons like Powerpuff Girls and Dragonball as kind of a tool to motivate me to get out of bed and moving around, in spite of the overwhelming pain and joint stiffness that I was experiencing. And yes- my skin would turn red. So for the many Powerpuff Girls fans who were wondering about this episode, now you know.

So it was during all of this that I kind of made a vow to never get sick again, etc. That really didn’t pan out of course but it did lead to me taking more direct control over my powers and such. I’m not sure if I would have the control I have now if this illness would not have happened. So- good thing? Nah. Painful, awful, ugly thing, and I wince now when I watch clips like this. They hit wayyyy to close to home by dredging up some super uncomfortable memories. I mean, the screaming in pain, the telephone, all of it. Yuck, such awful, ugly stuff.

An odd thing- I never knew at the time that this was based on me, of course. I mean, I think I watched all of the Powerpuff Girls episodes back then, so I must have seen it, but I just didn’t realize, like at all, what was even going on. I mean I had absolutely no idea. Or, at least, my front personality (the current me) didn’t. Not 100% sure about the back ones. They might have been chuckling at me the whole time; who knows, lol.

But yeah, this is some crazy, weird stuff. Watching the whole episode now, I see everything that is going on there behind the scenes so clearly. It’s absolutely packed with symbolism- some of it pertaining to me, specifically, others to intelligence, and others to… other people. Those symbols I “get” but don’t know who they are referring to, specifically.

Crazy. What I kind of think was going on there at least pertaining to me and the show’s creators was a lot of miscommunication. It’s like, I was the most powerful psychic / occultist in the world at the time, but it was all natural talent. It was raw, unbridled power, not refined and finessed power. So I didn’t understand the occult symbols, not having been exposed to them personally. So I didn’t “get it”, and I’m not sure that anyone on “the other side” knew that I didn’t. Maybe.

But… yeah, wow. I liked the bluebird hitting Buttercup’s left eye symbolism. I mean, see? Now I get it, but back then? How would I ever have known? I mean, now, I can pick apart the entire episode and dissect every scene, every line of dialogue, every image, and get essentially everything on the offer, but back then I guess I truly did not understand even a quarter of what was in this stuff- including the mountains of stuff even pertaining to me, lol. Yikes. I was seriously wayyyy out of the loop.

Crazy. Wow. Unreal, all of this. Just absolutely unreal.

You know- somehow, I feel more honored that the Powerpuff Girls liked me than perhaps anyone else I have ever met in media. I mean, they’re the fucking Powerpuff Girls. Literally the coolest people to ever appear on a show, ever. I mean, maybe except for Batman. Maybe.

But uhmmm, yeah. So, I would be willing to bet now that seasons 5 and 6 of Powerpuff Girls are literally packed to the gills with symbolism pertaining to me. That would make sense, since I started watching the show religiously in 2003, after graduating from college. It was the perfect escape from life and my health troubles. And since Powerpuff Girls season 5 ran from late 2003 to 2004… yeah, I have no doubt it’s all in there, and this likely explains some of the big stylistic differences between seasons 1-4 and 5-6. Some of the differences. Not all of course, but some.

So yeah, exercise. I used to watch the show while exercising. It was great, helped me through a lot, etc. Seriously, those chix rule. PPG forever, lol. I don’t have a favorite, but I was always kinda partial to Bubbles, for, ahem, one… very… obvious reason. lol. (So, like, am I the only one who didn’t get this stuff, back then? I mean, I couldn’t have been, right? I mean, yeesh.)

Uh, yeah. So, uhm… I forgot how I was going to end this, lol. So, I’m ending it here. I think that maybe Victoria wants to talk to me anyhow.

Soooo… uhm… yeah. Good night ppl, lol.

It’s not hard for me to get a better than average physique, really.

I mean, it’s not hard at all, when you consider that the average man my age doesn’t exercise.

And I do really think that. I honestly think that putting forth any effort at all automatically puts me in the top half. I mean, I have no idea what people are like in L.A., but out here… yeah. Nobody my age really exercises, I think. I mean, not regularly. Certainly not to the amount that I do, even with calisthenics and light dumbbells.

So, exercising at all puts me in the top half. Exercising a decent amount, say, like half an hour a day on average, puts you into the top third. Meeting the government recommended two sessions a week of strength training of any kind, combined with good cardio, puts you into the top 25%, or maybe higher.

Note that these are just my guesstimates. But I mean, we live in a country where the average adult is obese. Not even overweight, but obese.

This is why I think mastering pilates puts me likely into the top 10%. I mean… pilates isn’t that hard, really. I mean, not compared to marathon running or serious weight training. But it’s something, and something is all you need to be exceptional, it seems.

My BMI is “average”, which, oddly enough, puts me firmly in the “above average to very good” level of physical health, just by itself. Being toned and fit while maintaining a normal BMI probably brings me to “very good” level, IMO.

Not that hard to do.

So, I will continue on the present course I guess until I max out, and then I will decide. I mean, I don’t know about anything further. I mean, I’m not sure how much gain I would get from a gym membership at my age, considering what I can do on my own.

Which, come to think of it, is kinda my problem in general, it seems.

Hmmn. Food for future thoughts.

So- my body is still repairing itself from the drug abuse.

Jeebus, holy fuck. What an awful, ugly hell this all is.

I seem to cycle between a series of health related terrors. First, I feel extremely “sick”. You know, tired, sore throat, congested, headaches, digestive problems, etc. Then I get extremely thirsty and dehydrated, and even more tired, and confused. Then that passes after a few days, and then in the days following that, I get a burst of energy, along with an overwhelming desire to exercise- which I do, a lot, while I can. Then I get very sick again.

What I guess is that the fentanyl has actually built up inside my body. Well, that, and likely a lot of other poisons and toxins. That’s kinda how it feels I think.

A theory I have is that the years of drug abuse caused some nerve damage, which damaged my muscles, in a kind of domino effect. The muscle damage caused poisons, waste products, and perhaps fentanyl itself to build up in my muscles, so moving and exercising perhaps frees up these poisons to circulate in my bloodstream.

The nerve damage caused by the fentanyl also crippled my digestion. After all the digestive tract contains a huge mass of nerves in and of itself. Regarding that, google tells me this: “There are estimated to be 100 million neurons in the human small intestine alone, making the ENS the largest collection of neurons and glia outside the brain, and by far the largest division of the peripheral nervous system (Furness, 2006).” So yeah, since fentanyl abuse directly impacts the nerves, it hits digestion hard, disrupting it if not ruining it outright. And a ruined digestion causes everything else in the body to misfire, since you can’t process food properly. I don’t think I was absorbing nutrients correctly, for example. Or maybe even water.

Come to think of it, that might be why I feel so incredibly dehydrated sometimes. My body was starving for water since I couldn’t absorb anything properly, since my digestion was ruined. I do know that I was retaining water, that’s for sure. I was incredibly bloated with water weight up until a couple weeks ago. My naturopath from a long time ago told me that can happen when your body is unsure if it can get a fresh supply from some other source.

So yeah I keep exercising as much as my body allows. I’m a lot stronger and leaner than I was two months ago, thank god. Holy Jeebus, I felt awful, and I mean truly awful, back then. So tired, weak, and dead. So confused. I couldn’t even think. Seriously- WTF was I even doing? Holy Christ, how fucking awful and brutal that all was. Ye gods. How dreadful, and utterly traumatizing.

Speaking of which, the exercise helps me to purge the negative emotions, too. Thank god for my dumbbell collection. Seriously. What the fuck would I even do without it? I mean, I’m imagining my life right now without it and I don’t like what I’m seeing, like at all. Oof.

I think next year for Christmas I will reward myself maybe with a pair of urethane coated dumbbells. You know, those new kind of ones? Like, IDK, maybe a pair of 15’s, or something. I’ve had neoprene 15’s and 20’s in the past but they always get dirty and are impossible to clean correctly. I stop using them after awhile.

For now I’ve been using my collection of PVC dumbbells (yes, lol). Laugh if you want, those things are easy to clean, don’t require gloves, and the molded plastic feels super comfy on the hand. To purge the toxins and get back to a baseline of “normal-ish” I’ve been using a nice pair of 5kg (10kg total) PVC dumbbells I got from eBay. They were last year’s Christmas present to myself, but I’ve not had a chance to really use them until now. So, yeah. I love those things. Just pick them up with your bare hands and use them. Easy peasy.

I also do pilates, pushups, and sometimes basic Karate stuff, when I can. Pilates I love, love, love. IDK what people think about a guy doing pilates, that stuff is fucking awesome. And it’s not as easy as it looks, either. I’ve been doing them off and on now for about 10 years, and I’ve mastered quite a few of the moves. Obviously I’m not professional level but TBH I think I’m kinda-sorta close at this point. Well- let’s say this. At my best, I think I’m about equal to a female professional, as a male. I’m not in the same class as the male professionals. Yeah, that sounds about right.

So- my plan is to do pilates until I get back my old abdominal and leg strength and flexibility, and then do more Karate stuff, to finish off the physical foundation.

I refuse to jog. Fuck that. Too cold in the winter, too many allergies in the other seasons. No way. Nothing outside, ever. I stay indoors, where I belong.

It just occurred to me that I’m actually not in that bad a shape, overall. I mean, in terms of BMI. My weight is 185-190, and I’m 6 foot 3. I’m still a bit chubby and bloated from the drug abuse, but I can fix that with time. Exchange 5-10 pounds of fat with an equal amount of muscle and I’ll be back to my previous, pre-drug abuse state. That should be by summer or later spring, I’m guessing.

IMO for my age I haven’t done too badly, in terms of weight. Frankly I’m probably better than a good 90% of men my age, and honestly maybe 95%, which is a scary thought, since I don’t even have a gym membership. Yikes, lol. At least, where I live this is true. Maybe not where others live; IDK. But around here? Yeah, it’s kind of amazing how… out-of-shape people look. It’s kind of shocking TBH.

Not sure I will ever get that six-pack look that Hollywood favors. Not sure I want to. I hear that you need to be hungry, like all the time, to maintain that. I mean… fuck that, lol. No way. I have psychic powers. I’ll get girls that way, lol. I am NOT giving up my ice cream and popcorn. No way; I refuse.

Speaking of which- does anyone know how to gain lots of chest muscle without heavy weights? Is there a way? I mean I do pushups but I’m not good at them; I’m not weak, but for some reason my joints don’t seem to align that way. I mean there’s nothing wrong with them, functionally, but it’s like… they don’t work like that. The angles of my shoulder and elbow joints aren’t “stable” in that position for some reason. I usually have to resort to incline pushups and other variations. Another of my genetic anomalies. IDK. Dumbbell/bar presses are actually fine, no matter the weight, tho. IDK.

I was thinking of isometrics. Would that help? Probably not that much, I’m guessing. IDK, honestly. I’m not going the gym route. I mean, not that I even could anymore, anyways. Yuck. And I don’t have a bar or plates, etc.

Well, I mean if anyone has any ideas…

So… yeah. I need to keep detoxing, shedding… fat, and water, etc., and rebuilding myself back up to my baseline.

Yeah, okay, then. Sounds like a plan. With time my body should reset itself, then.

Right; ok, then.

Hmmmn.

Am I just imagining things, or…

Does Lily Collins take inspiration from Mabel Collins?

Ummm… ok, here’s my… thoughts, on this.

I knew of Mabel decades ago since I’m me, lol. I mean, Blavatsky, and all that. And I devoured Blavatsky’s occult stuff of course, or at least her most important stuff (you know, the stuff I could find online at the time, lol), but never got around to Mabel’s books, since all I heard about it is that it probably wasn’t hardcore enough for a literal raiser of the dead, lol.

But… I got to thinking. Lily joked offhandedly in one of her youtube interviews about the Collins “clan”. It was in that video with Nicholas Hoult where they talk about google questions; it’s easy to find. But anyways it was a throwaway comment that I’m sure didn’t mean much to her or anyone else who has ever watched the video but me.

So… “clan”? Who?

Mabel? I mean, they do look similar, Lily and her. The eyebrows, and all that, and the waifish stature, and the Anglo features. And… maybe…

So I’ve been reading some of Mabel’s stuff, finally. Thank you internet archive, lol. And yeah, wow. It seems that the similarities between them do not end with the eyebrows, lol. I’ve not read The Prettiest Woman in Warsaw yet, but might that possibly be the inspiration behind Emily in Paris? And is it just me or does Lily’s Unfiltered: No Shame, No Regrets, Just Me read like a modernized version of Mabel’s The Confessions of a Woman? That comment on page 13 of Mabel’s book… “I was indeed as lovely as a lily.”?

Lily? Wut?

And come to think of it, does Lily’s foot tattoo- you know, the one you can see on the cover of her book- not resemble the flower drawing on the cover of Mabel’s book?

So… am I reading too much into this? Or not enough? What do you all think? Lily- do you have something to say, here?

Hmmn. Weird, regardless.

It really is a small world, isn’t it?

And in my case, it seems extremely small indeed.

What even the fuck, lol

I have a hunch.

I think that the key to unlocking the mystery of my relationship with Hollywood, the New World Order, my own youth, and perhaps everything else that is relevant can possibly be found in Spielberg and Kubrick’s A.I. Artificial Intelligence.

I saw this flick once, in the theater, back in it’s initial release in 2001. Yes I was struck by the coincidences even then, but I refused to investigate them or even acknowledge their possible significance at the time, for obvious reasons.

I will do this research on my own, I think, and keep my conclusions to myself for now. So no blogging.

But I will say this- if I find what I think I will, then everything that has happened to me and others in this world since the release of this movie will actually start to make sense, for once.

And if I don’t find what I expect, well… then… I guess I will need to find another angle, or give up this quest entirely, at least for now.

Should be interesting.

I wrote the below early today, but held off on posting it until now, since I had some more things to mull over before feeling okay with it. Things that, considering that this is me we are talking about, are necessarily odd, if not unique.

Things like this: what if I’m an Atlantean?

I know, I know. But seriously, let’s contemplate this for a second. In my case, I believe this is a good question, and one that necessitates contemplation, even if only by me.

Belief in an “Atlantis” and the influence of a mystical and long ago vanished race of “Atlanteans” is something common to many of the occult schools.

To boil the legend down to it’s essential parts, the Atlantis myth centers around there being a continent that at one point essentially ruled the Earth that has since sunk into the ocean, taking it’s secrets with it and dispersing it’s peoples. Some say this mythical Atlantis was the Azores Plateau in the Atlantic Ocean. I haven’t the foggiest.

What I do know is that belief in some mystical old race from a now-dead continent is not an uncommon one in the corners of society. Many mystery schools over the centuries have credited this old race for creating and disseminating occult wisdom and advanced technology of all kinds over the Earth. Egypt, for example, came from the Atlanteans, according to some. Same with the Aztecs, Incas, and the Aryan civilizations of the East, among others.

I’ve been told you will find references to Atlantis in Freemasonry, Theosophy, Platonism, and many if not most of the new age societies and cultures.

Tolkien obviously used the mythical Atlanteans as a model for his Elvish race.

Author Michael Bradley of The Iceman Inheritance fame once said IIRC that the old Cro-Magnon race was in fact the Atlanteans of myth, noting that the Cro-Magnons were taller and had larger brains than modern men.

So- supposedly, these Atlanteans were naturally gifted in all things occult, and could use their gifts to readily perform what other races saw as miracles. And as such, they were worshiped, envied, and idolized throughout the Ancient world.

What if, then. I mean, what if I’m an Atlantean?

It would explain my height, and certainly my enormous brain case, and I guess my extremely high IQ and superhumanly powerful subconscious mind.

So it would… make sense? I guess?

I don’t know. Honestly I’m grasping at straws here of course. But I just can’t think of anything else that would make sense.

I have also considered in the past that I might be much more neanderthal than the average European. Possibly considerably more, which would also explain my huge brain case, since neanderthals also had noticeably larger brains than modern Europeans. That might also explain my more aggressive and violent tendencies, my enormous harem of celebrity chicks, and in the occasional difficulties I have even now with “fiting in” with modern society (I mean, without using my brain to outright control other peoples’ minds). It might also explain the rather unusual skull shape I have.

Or- hell- maybe I’m both more old Cro-Magnon AND more Neanderthal. Or perhaps something else, fuck if I know.

At any rate, yeah, my brain in just different for some reason, it looks like. I mean, I just verified it in the mirror, lol. Yeah, it’s not typical, like at all, really. I mean, my skull is just so massive, especially on top. My brain case clearly has considerably more volume in it compared to what you will find in a normal, modern man. And what’s in there is likely really dense and “strong”, if I’m reading into what my neurologist said correctly about my brain MRIs. It’s like, my brain is the neurological equivalent of The Rock’s biceps, or something: an ideal; something that 99.9999% of men could not hope to match.

And you know… a lot of the problems I had growing up- the not fitting in, the difficulty in school despite my IQ, and maybe everything else- even to the point of explaining the traumas that led to my DID and possible schizophrenia- may have been due to the fact that my brain just works differently than other peoples’. Like, it grew differently, at a different rate, and for different reasons.

It’s like my brain just kept growing, or something. At the point where everyone else I knew had stopped developing, I just kept layering on more and more supernatural, or at least non-human abilities, to the point where I think I was still growing and building my brain well into my 20’s, if not my 30’s.

Weird stuff. Very unusual. And I’m frankly not sure where I should go with any of this, if anywhere.

IDK.

Well… that’s enough mulling for now, I guess.

I think I’ll fuck Anna Kendrick tonight. Or maybe Kira. IDK. We’ll see who needs it most.