Sighinide

Alright, let’s talk Powerpuff Girls.

Wait… what?

Yes, no, I’m serious, tho. We need to talk Powerpuff Girls, and this is the time and place to do it.

Alright, first, please everyone watch the following:

Ok. So… yeah. See- this was me, watching the Powerpuff Girls, after suffering from the debilitating and unrecognized illness after graduating from college. You know, that Lupus like thing that I have talked about on this blog before, like a few times. I mean… there it is. In a fit of recursive meta, we have the Powerpuff Girls acting like I did, back when I watched Powerpuff Girls– back when I thought that acting like the Powerpuff Girls was the thing to do to maybe fix whatever it was that was destroying my life at the time.

For those that have the episode, this clip was from the episode “A Sun Scream”, which was the first half of season 6, episode 5. To understand fully what I’m talking about here you will need to watch the whole thing.

Alright, so. The story goes as thus. I came home from college after graduating and my blood got infected, or something, and I nearly died. My joints froze up and I couldn’t move, and everything hurt, I was in constant and unending agony, etc. etc. I thought maybe it was Lupus or Churg- Strauss, or something similar. I never did get a formal diagnosis.

So yeah, I would use cartoons like Powerpuff Girls and Dragonball as kind of a tool to motivate me to get out of bed and moving around, in spite of the overwhelming pain and joint stiffness that I was experiencing. And yes- my skin would turn red. So for the many Powerpuff Girls fans who were wondering about this episode, now you know.

So it was during all of this that I kind of made a vow to never get sick again, etc. That really didn’t pan out of course but it did lead to me taking more direct control over my powers and such. I’m not sure if I would have the control I have now if this illness would not have happened. So- good thing? Nah. Painful, awful, ugly thing, and I wince now when I watch clips like this. They hit wayyyy to close to home by dredging up some super uncomfortable memories. I mean, the screaming in pain, the telephone, all of it. Yuck, such awful, ugly stuff.

An odd thing- I never knew at the time that this was based on me, of course. I mean, I think I watched all of the Powerpuff Girls episodes back then, so I must have seen it, but I just didn’t realize, like at all, what was even going on. I mean I had absolutely no idea. Or, at least, my front personality (the current me) didn’t. Not 100% sure about the back ones. They might have been chuckling at me the whole time; who knows, lol.

But yeah, this is some crazy, weird stuff. Watching the whole episode now, I see everything that is going on there behind the scenes so clearly. It’s absolutely packed with symbolism- some of it pertaining to me, specifically, others to intelligence, and others to… other people. Those symbols I “get” but don’t know who they are referring to, specifically.

Crazy. What I kind of think was going on there at least pertaining to me and the show’s creators was a lot of miscommunication. It’s like, I was the most powerful psychic / occultist in the world at the time, but it was all natural talent. It was raw, unbridled power, not refined and finessed power. So I didn’t understand the occult symbols, not having been exposed to them personally. So I didn’t “get it”, and I’m not sure that anyone on “the other side” knew that I didn’t. Maybe.

But… yeah, wow. I liked the bluebird hitting Buttercup’s left eye symbolism. I mean, see? Now I get it, but back then? How would I ever have known? I mean, now, I can pick apart the entire episode and dissect every scene, every line of dialogue, every image, and get essentially everything on the offer, but back then I guess I truly did not understand even a quarter of what was in this stuff- including the mountains of stuff even pertaining to me, lol. Yikes. I was seriously wayyyy out of the loop.

Crazy. Wow. Unreal, all of this. Just absolutely unreal.

You know- somehow, I feel more honored that the Powerpuff Girls liked me than perhaps anyone else I have ever met in media. I mean, they’re the fucking Powerpuff Girls. Literally the coolest people to ever appear on a show, ever. I mean, maybe except for Batman. Maybe.

But uhmmm, yeah. So, I would be willing to bet now that seasons 5 and 6 of Powerpuff Girls are literally packed to the gills with symbolism pertaining to me. That would make sense, since I started watching the show religiously in 2003, after graduating from college. It was the perfect escape from life and my health troubles. And since Powerpuff Girls season 5 ran from late 2003 to 2004… yeah, I have no doubt it’s all in there, and this likely explains some of the big stylistic differences between seasons 1-4 and 5-6. Some of the differences. Not all of course, but some.

So yeah, exercise. I used to watch the show while exercising. It was great, helped me through a lot, etc. Seriously, those chix rule. PPG forever, lol. I don’t have a favorite, but I was always kinda partial to Bubbles, for, ahem, one… very… obvious reason. lol. (So, like, am I the only one who didn’t get this stuff, back then? I mean, I couldn’t have been, right? I mean, yeesh.)

Uh, yeah. So, uhm… I forgot how I was going to end this, lol. So, I’m ending it here. I think that maybe Victoria wants to talk to me anyhow.

Soooo… uhm… yeah. Good night ppl, lol.

It’s not hard for me to get a better than average physique, really.

I mean, it’s not hard at all, when you consider that the average man my age doesn’t exercise.

And I do really think that. I honestly think that putting forth any effort at all automatically puts me in the top half. I mean, I have no idea what people are like in L.A., but out here… yeah. Nobody my age really exercises, I think. I mean, not regularly. Certainly not to the amount that I do, even with calisthenics and light dumbbells.

So, exercising at all puts me in the top half. Exercising a decent amount, say, like half an hour a day on average, puts you into the top third. Meeting the government recommended two sessions a week of strength training of any kind, combined with good cardio, puts you into the top 25%, or maybe higher.

Note that these are just my guesstimates. But I mean, we live in a country where the average adult is obese. Not even overweight, but obese.

This is why I think mastering pilates puts me likely into the top 10%. I mean… pilates isn’t that hard, really. I mean, not compared to marathon running or serious weight training. But it’s something, and something is all you need to be exceptional, it seems.

My BMI is “average”, which, oddly enough, puts me firmly in the “above average to very good” level of physical health, just by itself. Being toned and fit while maintaining a normal BMI probably brings me to “very good” level, IMO.

Not that hard to do.

So, I will continue on the present course I guess until I max out, and then I will decide. I mean, I don’t know about anything further. I mean, I’m not sure how much gain I would get from a gym membership at my age, considering what I can do on my own.

Which, come to think of it, is kinda my problem in general, it seems.

Hmmn. Food for future thoughts.

So- my body is still repairing itself from the drug abuse.

Jeebus, holy fuck. What an awful, ugly hell this all is.

I seem to cycle between a series of health related terrors. First, I feel extremely “sick”. You know, tired, sore throat, congested, headaches, digestive problems, etc. Then I get extremely thirsty and dehydrated, and even more tired, and confused. Then that passes after a few days, and then in the days following that, I get a burst of energy, along with an overwhelming desire to exercise- which I do, a lot, while I can. Then I get very sick again.

What I guess is that the fentanyl has actually built up inside my body. Well, that, and likely a lot of other poisons and toxins. That’s kinda how it feels I think.

A theory I have is that the years of drug abuse caused some nerve damage, which damaged my muscles, in a kind of domino effect. The muscle damage caused poisons, waste products, and perhaps fentanyl itself to build up in my muscles, so moving and exercising perhaps frees up these poisons to circulate in my bloodstream.

The nerve damage caused by the fentanyl also crippled my digestion. After all the digestive tract contains a huge mass of nerves in and of itself. Regarding that, google tells me this: “There are estimated to be 100 million neurons in the human small intestine alone, making the ENS the largest collection of neurons and glia outside the brain, and by far the largest division of the peripheral nervous system (Furness, 2006).” So yeah, since fentanyl abuse directly impacts the nerves, it hits digestion hard, disrupting it if not ruining it outright. And a ruined digestion causes everything else in the body to misfire, since you can’t process food properly. I don’t think I was absorbing nutrients correctly, for example. Or maybe even water.

Come to think of it, that might be why I feel so incredibly dehydrated sometimes. My body was starving for water since I couldn’t absorb anything properly, since my digestion was ruined. I do know that I was retaining water, that’s for sure. I was incredibly bloated with water weight up until a couple weeks ago. My naturopath from a long time ago told me that can happen when your body is unsure if it can get a fresh supply from some other source.

So yeah I keep exercising as much as my body allows. I’m a lot stronger and leaner than I was two months ago, thank god. Holy Jeebus, I felt awful, and I mean truly awful, back then. So tired, weak, and dead. So confused. I couldn’t even think. Seriously- WTF was I even doing? Holy Christ, how fucking awful and brutal that all was. Ye gods. How dreadful, and utterly traumatizing.

Speaking of which, the exercise helps me to purge the negative emotions, too. Thank god for my dumbbell collection. Seriously. What the fuck would I even do without it? I mean, I’m imagining my life right now without it and I don’t like what I’m seeing, like at all. Oof.

I think next year for Christmas I will reward myself maybe with a pair of urethane coated dumbbells. You know, those new kind of ones? Like, IDK, maybe a pair of 15’s, or something. I’ve had neoprene 15’s and 20’s in the past but they always get dirty and are impossible to clean correctly. I stop using them after awhile.

For now I’ve been using my collection of PVC dumbbells (yes, lol). Laugh if you want, those things are easy to clean, don’t require gloves, and the molded plastic feels super comfy on the hand. To purge the toxins and get back to a baseline of “normal-ish” I’ve been using a nice pair of 5kg (10kg total) PVC dumbbells I got from eBay. They were last year’s Christmas present to myself, but I’ve not had a chance to really use them until now. So, yeah. I love those things. Just pick them up with your bare hands and use them. Easy peasy.

I also do pilates, pushups, and sometimes basic Karate stuff, when I can. Pilates I love, love, love. IDK what people think about a guy doing pilates, that stuff is fucking awesome. And it’s not as easy as it looks, either. I’ve been doing them off and on now for about 10 years, and I’ve mastered quite a few of the moves. Obviously I’m not professional level but TBH I think I’m kinda-sorta close at this point. Well- let’s say this. At my best, I think I’m about equal to a female professional, as a male. I’m not in the same class as the male professionals. Yeah, that sounds about right.

So- my plan is to do pilates until I get back my old abdominal and leg strength and flexibility, and then do more Karate stuff, to finish off the physical foundation.

I refuse to jog. Fuck that. Too cold in the winter, too many allergies in the other seasons. No way. Nothing outside, ever. I stay indoors, where I belong.

It just occurred to me that I’m actually not in that bad a shape, overall. I mean, in terms of BMI. My weight is 185-190, and I’m 6 foot 3. I’m still a bit chubby and bloated from the drug abuse, but I can fix that with time. Exchange 5-10 pounds of fat with an equal amount of muscle and I’ll be back to my previous, pre-drug abuse state. That should be by summer or later spring, I’m guessing.

IMO for my age I haven’t done too badly, in terms of weight. Frankly I’m probably better than a good 90% of men my age, and honestly maybe 95%, which is a scary thought, since I don’t even have a gym membership. Yikes, lol. At least, where I live this is true. Maybe not where others live; IDK. But around here? Yeah, it’s kind of amazing how… out-of-shape people look. It’s kind of shocking TBH.

Not sure I will ever get that six-pack look that Hollywood favors. Not sure I want to. I hear that you need to be hungry, like all the time, to maintain that. I mean… fuck that, lol. No way. I have psychic powers. I’ll get girls that way, lol. I am NOT giving up my ice cream and popcorn. No way; I refuse.

Speaking of which- does anyone know how to gain lots of chest muscle without heavy weights? Is there a way? I mean I do pushups but I’m not good at them; I’m not weak, but for some reason my joints don’t seem to align that way. I mean there’s nothing wrong with them, functionally, but it’s like… they don’t work like that. The angles of my shoulder and elbow joints aren’t “stable” in that position for some reason. I usually have to resort to incline pushups and other variations. Another of my genetic anomalies. IDK. Dumbbell/bar presses are actually fine, no matter the weight, tho. IDK.

I was thinking of isometrics. Would that help? Probably not that much, I’m guessing. IDK, honestly. I’m not going the gym route. I mean, not that I even could anymore, anyways. Yuck. And I don’t have a bar or plates, etc.

Well, I mean if anyone has any ideas…

So… yeah. I need to keep detoxing, shedding… fat, and water, etc., and rebuilding myself back up to my baseline.

Yeah, okay, then. Sounds like a plan. With time my body should reset itself, then.

Right; ok, then.

Hmmmn.

Am I just imagining things, or…

Does Lily Collins take inspiration from Mabel Collins?

Ummm… ok, here’s my… thoughts, on this.

I knew of Mabel decades ago since I’m me, lol. I mean, Blavatsky, and all that. And I devoured Blavatsky’s occult stuff of course, or at least her most important stuff (you know, the stuff I could find online at the time, lol), but never got around to Mabel’s books, since all I heard about it is that it probably wasn’t hardcore enough for a literal raiser of the dead, lol.

But… I got to thinking. Lily joked offhandedly in one of her youtube interviews about the Collins “clan”. It was in that video with Nicholas Hoult where they talk about google questions; it’s easy to find. But anyways it was a throwaway comment that I’m sure didn’t mean much to her or anyone else who has ever watched the video but me.

So… “clan”? Who?

Mabel? I mean, they do look similar, Lily and her. The eyebrows, and all that, and the waifish stature, and the Anglo features. And… maybe…

So I’ve been reading some of Mabel’s stuff, finally. Thank you internet archive, lol. And yeah, wow. It seems that the similarities between them do not end with the eyebrows, lol. I’ve not read The Prettiest Woman in Warsaw yet, but might that possibly be the inspiration behind Emily in Paris? And is it just me or does Lily’s Unfiltered: No Shame, No Regrets, Just Me read like a modernized version of Mabel’s The Confessions of a Woman? That comment on page 13 of Mabel’s book… “I was indeed as lovely as a lily.”?

Lily? Wut?

And come to think of it, does Lily’s foot tattoo- you know, the one you can see on the cover of her book- not resemble the flower drawing on the cover of Mabel’s book?

So… am I reading too much into this? Or not enough? What do you all think? Lily- do you have something to say, here?

Hmmn. Weird, regardless.

It really is a small world, isn’t it?

And in my case, it seems extremely small indeed.

What even the fuck, lol

I have a hunch.

I think that the key to unlocking the mystery of my relationship with Hollywood, the New World Order, my own youth, and perhaps everything else that is relevant can possibly be found in Spielberg and Kubrick’s A.I. Artificial Intelligence.

I saw this flick once, in the theater, back in it’s initial release in 2001. Yes I was struck by the coincidences even then, but I refused to investigate them or even acknowledge their possible significance at the time, for obvious reasons.

I will do this research on my own, I think, and keep my conclusions to myself for now. So no blogging.

But I will say this- if I find what I think I will, then everything that has happened to me and others in this world since the release of this movie will actually start to make sense, for once.

And if I don’t find what I expect, well… then… I guess I will need to find another angle, or give up this quest entirely, at least for now.

Should be interesting.

I wrote the below early today, but held off on posting it until now, since I had some more things to mull over before feeling okay with it. Things that, considering that this is me we are talking about, are necessarily odd, if not unique.

Things like this: what if I’m an Atlantean?

I know, I know. But seriously, let’s contemplate this for a second. In my case, I believe this is a good question, and one that necessitates contemplation, even if only by me.

Belief in an “Atlantis” and the influence of a mystical and long ago vanished race of “Atlanteans” is something common to many of the occult schools.

To boil the legend down to it’s essential parts, the Atlantis myth centers around there being a continent that at one point essentially ruled the Earth that has since sunk into the ocean, taking it’s secrets with it and dispersing it’s peoples. Some say this mythical Atlantis was the Azores Plateau in the Atlantic Ocean. I haven’t the foggiest.

What I do know is that belief in some mystical old race from a now-dead continent is not an uncommon one in the corners of society. Many mystery schools over the centuries have credited this old race for creating and disseminating occult wisdom and advanced technology of all kinds over the Earth. Egypt, for example, came from the Atlanteans, according to some. Same with the Aztecs, Incas, and the Aryan civilizations of the East, among others.

I’ve been told you will find references to Atlantis in Freemasonry, Theosophy, Platonism, and many if not most of the new age societies and cultures.

Tolkien obviously used the mythical Atlanteans as a model for his Elvish race.

Author Michael Bradley of The Iceman Inheritance fame once said IIRC that the old Cro-Magnon race was in fact the Atlanteans of myth, noting that the Cro-Magnons were taller and had larger brains than modern men.

So- supposedly, these Atlanteans were naturally gifted in all things occult, and could use their gifts to readily perform what other races saw as miracles. And as such, they were worshiped, envied, and idolized throughout the Ancient world.

What if, then. I mean, what if I’m an Atlantean?

It would explain my height, and certainly my enormous brain case, and I guess my extremely high IQ and superhumanly powerful subconscious mind.

So it would… make sense? I guess?

I don’t know. Honestly I’m grasping at straws here of course. But I just can’t think of anything else that would make sense.

I have also considered in the past that I might be much more neanderthal than the average European. Possibly considerably more, which would also explain my huge brain case, since neanderthals also had noticeably larger brains than modern Europeans. That might also explain my more aggressive and violent tendencies, my enormous harem of celebrity chicks, and in the occasional difficulties I have even now with “fiting in” with modern society (I mean, without using my brain to outright control other peoples’ minds). It might also explain the rather unusual skull shape I have.

Or- hell- maybe I’m both more old Cro-Magnon AND more Neanderthal. Or perhaps something else, fuck if I know.

At any rate, yeah, my brain in just different for some reason, it looks like. I mean, I just verified it in the mirror, lol. Yeah, it’s not typical, like at all, really. I mean, my skull is just so massive, especially on top. My brain case clearly has considerably more volume in it compared to what you will find in a normal, modern man. And what’s in there is likely really dense and “strong”, if I’m reading into what my neurologist said correctly about my brain MRIs. It’s like, my brain is the neurological equivalent of The Rock’s biceps, or something: an ideal; something that 99.9999% of men could not hope to match.

And you know… a lot of the problems I had growing up- the not fitting in, the difficulty in school despite my IQ, and maybe everything else- even to the point of explaining the traumas that led to my DID and possible schizophrenia- may have been due to the fact that my brain just works differently than other peoples’. Like, it grew differently, at a different rate, and for different reasons.

It’s like my brain just kept growing, or something. At the point where everyone else I knew had stopped developing, I just kept layering on more and more supernatural, or at least non-human abilities, to the point where I think I was still growing and building my brain well into my 20’s, if not my 30’s.

Weird stuff. Very unusual. And I’m frankly not sure where I should go with any of this, if anywhere.

IDK.

Well… that’s enough mulling for now, I guess.

I think I’ll fuck Anna Kendrick tonight. Or maybe Kira. IDK. We’ll see who needs it most.

I woke up this morning too early, like at around 3, and couldn’t get back to rest. My head hurt. I think I’m probably still detoxing, even now. Yuck.

Not having the ability to do much else, I decided to hang out in Hollywood. I spent a good fifteen or twenty minutes sitting on top of the Hollywood sign, looking out at the city below. It was eerie there, with the bustling metropolis cloaked in night’s darkness.

IDK, I just sat and watched. I don’t know what it was that I was looking for, but I guess I didn’t find it, whatever it was. It just looked like… a city, after midnight, on a weekday.

I took a stroll down Mulholland Drive, I guess because I’ve been on a Lynch kick lately.

It was… just a street, lol. I mean, there was some traffic, and some people, and some… stuff. The same stuff, really, that you would find on any street, in any city. Businesses, litter, noise… and I guess, that same sense of… yearning, that I feel, at least, in any big city. I feel a bit too small in them for my taste I guess.

IDK. L.A. just seemed like… what it was. A city, not unlike any other I’ve been to or heard of.

I wonder what it was that I was looking for this morning. Peace? Belonging? A sense of responsibility, perhaps? Or did I just need to get out of the house?

I don’t know.

Well… today, I plan to make my head stop pounding, first. Then while I continue to detox the fentanyl I will check out Lynch’s earliest and rarest stuff on youtube. By luck, I was able to find it. It should make for very interesting viewing and dissection by yours truly. I mean his stuff from the late 60’s. Were those student films? IDK, but I suppose I should find out. I was also able to find a few early short films made by Stanley Kubrick. I will be sure to watch all of those and take them apart piece by piece when I have time.

I’m bored of anime. I need something else.

You know- I’ve never seen Eraserhead. I always kinda wanted to- IIRC Jonathan Rosenbaum put it on his list of the best 100 American films, but I was always too spooked by the cover when I used to pass it in Blockbuster Video back in the day. I think maybe I was too young for it, then. Maybe now I wouldn’t be.

I keep thinking off and on that I really need to investigate and watch more classic Hollywood and old film in general. Like- I found Disney’s old Alice shorts on youtube, and have been watching those occasionally with other early animated Disney stuff. Reeeally interesting.

Yeah, I need to dig deeper, I guess. Go into the guts of this stuff, really figure out what is going on, and where my powers actually came from, and why. I mean, if I even can, lol. TBH I can’t make heads or tails of this stuff, even now.

Somehow, I can trace a direct and concrete psychic relationship now between me and Hollywood that goes back to the mid 90’s. Which is… frankly baffling. I mean, I don’t get it, at all, and my investigations into this stuff only lead me into really weird and otherwordly explanations, like me being some kind of… clone, or synthetic human, or cyborg, or… something, or me being somehow surveilled by the NWO from the time when I was a kid(!) for some unfathomable reason. Bizarre, but what else can I say? IDK. Was it my IQ? I used to routinely max out those IQ tests I would get as a student. Is that it? Maybe?

I don’t know.

But logical or not, there it is, though. Speaking of Lynch, we go back to 1997 and we get Lost Highway, which… you cannot tell me is not at least partially based on teenage me, with my DID problems and, possibly, some undiagnosed schizophrenia. I mean, with the weird telepathic fantasies that so powerfully mirror my own at the time, and so many other details. Even the car is too similar to be coincidental. We also get Beverly Hills Ninja, that Chris Farley romp that is obviously inspired by my teen years in the TaeKwonDo dojo. I mean- it’s all there, from my awkward teenage self to from the uniform I used to wear to even my haircut at the time. From there, we link to Tommy Boy, which is, geezus, perhaps the most blatant nod to me in Hollywood’s history. I mean, Tommy Boy? Keep in mind that I was 13-14 when this flick was made, was called “Tommy”, and looked and acted like the protagonists in this movie.

The Matrix? Sure, why not? Neo’s real name is “Thomas A. Anderson”- compare to “Thomas D. Jacobsen”- he likes computers and hacking, like I do (I was a CS major at the time), he mastered TaeKwonDo, like I did, has fantasies like mine (I mean, with the dojo, again, and that white room, with the guns, and virtually everything else), lives a similar-ish life and has a similar temperament when serious, likes sunglasses and a generally dark motif like I do (I mean, look at this website), and… fuck it, why not? Sure, fine.

This is… insane. I honestly don’t get it. Am I that different? I mean I can’t possibly be, right?

Well… IDK. Maybe.

But… even if different, I have no idea how any of this is even possible, given the history I was taught in school. I mean, even if obviously true, I cannot square any of this away given how I was taught society is run and everything else. How is it possible for people to have been reading my thoughts and watching my every move back when I was like 13 years old? Was I telepathic even back then? I couldn’t have been, right? Could I astrally project myself to this extent even back when I was a kid?

Speaking of which, this brings us to the early Leonardo DiCaprio films, which have, yes, a few too many coincidences for my comfort. Were Leonardo’s characters based on me, too? I mean, I looked like his characters back when those flicks were made, lived in similar circumstances and places, was the same age as they were, basically, and I acted like them often, and… it just… I don’t get it. I just don’t. Harry Potter… kinda? I haven’t investigated that much, but… maybe?

But Leo? I mean… yeah? I don’t get it, though, and I mean I really don’t get it. Is this all just a series of weird coincidences? Am I reading too much into these movies or what? Can someone tell me, maybe?

Charlie Kaufman? Obvious, right? Being John Malkovich, anyone? And my own experiences with multiple personality disorder and schizophrenia might have formed the basis for his other stuff. I mean, I see it, so clearly now. You just follow the thread from Malkovich, which is obvious, to his later works, which tie into my own struggles with DID in college. Again- his characters looked like me, at that particular point in my life, with the ill fitting clothes made worse by weight gain due to my mental problems back then. And the characters and I acted similar too, during my weirdest times.

And then there’s Girl, Interrupted, which is obvious considering my own DID and my telepathic infatuation with Winona at the time, and possibly, maybe Eyes Wide Shut, and…

There’s just too many coincidences here, and everywhere. I don’t get it. And I’m not sure that I can, or ever will.

I mean it just doesn’t compute. It doesn’t seem logical, or reasonable. Or even possible.

So baffling.

Well, if even a quarter of the connections I have talked about here are true, I really am a breed apart. And if ALL of them are true, then… I don’t know what to even say.

I can’t be human, then. I mean, I’m some kind of hybrid being, or something. I guess. Like, part alien? Or part… something. Something supernatural, like an angel, or demon.

IDK.

Fucking weird, lol.

And, while I’m thinking about it, we have that damn St. Elsewhere ending, with that autistic kid named “Tom” that looks to be my age at the time staring at that snow globe of his – you know, exactly like I used to do-, making fantasies up for Hollywood to make TV shows and movies out of. What. The. Fuck?

I don’t get it. Not remotely. I mean, am I literally just crazy or?

Ugh. Who the fuck knows.

Back to youtube, I guess.

Just for future reference when I feel better- the issue here is the very personal stuff of mine that found it’s way into so many Hollywood films of the late 90’s.

There are way too many coincidences for it to be just luck.

Alright, I’m just going to get to the point with this one. My head fucking hurts and everything is… spinning.

There seems to have been a definite and very significant bisection in the tone and presentation of Hollywood’s output that occurred sometime in the mid to late 90’s, which seems to coincide exactly with my own “coming of age”. I was born in 1980.

It’s like… I’ve been watching clips, and full movies occasionally, on youtube lately. The earlier made films, like those produced prior to 1996, seem to have a different flavor to them. They seem more institutional. More, I guess, “studio”. More plugged in to what you might consider the traditional Hollywood way.

Those made after 1996 seem profoundly different, not necessarily in plot (though sometimes so) but in style and characterization.

I actually first noticed this change in college, without fully grasping how deep and profound the changes truly were. I remember spending many an idle afternoon back then staring at my celebrity picture collection and trying to figure out what it was that was changing things. I would go to class in the morning, get my homework out of the way by the afternoon, and try telepathically commiserating with Winona Ryder, Angelina Jolie, Kirsten Dunst, Nicole Kidman et. al. about WTF was going on with Hollywood, and why everything seemed so different.

Seriously. I didn’t fucking get it. Good lord, I had no idea, and I mean no idea, WTF was going on.

I think a lot of the problem was my DID, otherwise known as multiple personality disorder. I didn’t understand because it wasn’t “me” that was changing stuff, it was the other “mes”. The other Toms. So I was utterly oblivious. Well, that, and there is the fact that I didn’t actually see a lot of these movies until just now.

I was a young college kid back then; money was scarce, film online nonexistent. Until now I didn’t have the resources to do a more complete comparison and contrast between post- and pre- me Hollywood.

Ugh, I need to stop. My head hurts too much to continue this.

Ugh, ow.

Fuck.

But look, the point is this- pretty much everything Hollywood has produced post 1997ish has been at least partially influenced by my actions, relationships and personality, it seems.

And I can say that now with quite a bit of confidence.

So, there you have it.

I hope to get into more details of this later, when my brains aren’t threatening to spill out of my ears.