Sighinide

It’s like everything’s so wrong, and it’s like it will never be right again.

Like, I feel so cold, and so WARM, at the same time. Like, it doesn’t even make sense.

NONE of this makes sense.

And I’m trapped. I can’t stop MOVING and twitching. Everything burns, except for the parts of me that are frozen. My eyes burn, my arms burn, my chest burns. My hands are stiff and cold. My toes are frozen solid. My knees are shivering, my thighs are BURNING. Everything is all messed up. I can’t STOP this. I don’t know what to do but take more fentanyl.

I seriously don’t know what to even do. I don’t know, and it’s scary.

Saw more youtube videos today about this. They kinda helped, but mostly, they just scared me more. I don’t want to end up on the streets. I don’t want to die. But I don’t know what to do.

I just need some HELP, god damn it! Fuck. And I don’t have a lot of money so I need it to be free.

Or- I need to kill myself. One of the two, either way, I need OUT of this.

It’s like, I’ve lost my patience.

I can’t take 6 months of feeling like this. I mean, does it get better? Ever? Hello? Anyone? I KNOW you’re reading this.

Ah fuck, I mean, everything that equalized because I took more fentanyl. Yay? Is that good? I suspect not, right?

So what do I do, then? What the hell am I supposed to do?

I don’t wanna die. I mean, you know, not really.

FUCK.

Ouch, though. Ow, god damn it. It just HURTS. God DAMN this!

FUCK this! How long have been “tapering” now? Two months? And it feels like I’ve gotten nowhere!!

I take less, but I feel no better! And in fact, I feel WORSE!

Gods, it’s been TWO FUCKING MONTHS!!!!

How the fuck long is this supposed to even take?!?!?!?!

This is utterly preposterous, absolutely ridiculous. Unfair beyond belief.

2 fucking months of careful patience and daily planning and meditation and prayer and venting and exercise and EVERYTHING ELSE and I feel WORSE. Fuck the fucking fuck is this shit?

Why even bother? What is the point of even trying?

This is such a fucking joke that I can’t even believe it.

God FUCK THIS.

I need to kill myself. Yeah- that would work. That alone is my way out of this prison. There is nothing else, can never be anything else. Suicide is all there is to get away from this.

No point in even trying anything else, really.

Fuck.

Ok god damn it I can’t TAKE this anymore. I mean I haven’t been blogging because I’ve been tired of talking about drugs but I can’t take it anymore, I need to vent so badly.

I mean I can’t TAKE this anymore. It’s so Ahhhh FUCK, I REALLY need to get high, ugh, god damn, this tapering shit fucking sucks, help, ah jeez this SUCKS, ahhh, help me, please, someone help me, fuck, ugh, FUCK.

So yeah the other day I wrote this as a (very) rough draft and then was like… no. And I stepped away, thinking I prolly just needed some time alone. So yeah, I won’t even bother to read it, here it is

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Ah, another post in the familiar vein (heh), yes indeed, another. FUCK, I need to get high.

And yeah, I know, please don’t turn away yet, I just so need to VENT like… AH, fuck, I need some more drugs, I need them, they are good for me, so good, and I HATE confronting life without their beautiful, protective cover.

I still feel the fentanyl in my veins, caressing me, loving me, helping me know and be me, but I feel so much the onrushing horror of not having used in a whole day as well. I mean… not having used as much, you know? Which is basically the same, almost, as not having used at all. Mostly. Well, in the ways that matter.

I NEED fentanyl. Again. So much, so powerfully, my heart isn’t right without it, my soul doesn’t…

Ah, FUCK. My hands are acting up and shaking as I type this. Fuck. Ah, FUCK. GOD DAMN. Fuck. FUCK. Ah, FUCK. This SUCKS. AHHHH GAWD DAMN, lol. Ah, FUCK.

Nothing feels right, I really need more, and like a LOT more, but FUCK, it’s like late, you know? And I need to get to bed, and I have stuff to do tomorrow. Fuck. Ah, FUCK, I feel like I need to convulse again, lol.

FUCK. Gawd I need more fentanyl. Fuck.

FUCK, AHHHHHHHHHHH GODDDDDDDDDDDD this sucks, fuck this, I fucking hate this, I need some fentanyl NOW, like RIGHT NOW, so badly, FUCK. Ah, FUCK. I need it… ah, fuck me, this sucks.

I can’t scream. I wish I could. This is ridiculous, I feel like I’m burning inside, AHH fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

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So yeah, there. Fuck this, god damn it, someone shoot me, I want out of this shitty, shitty life. Ah god damn it, ah jeezus fuck, my hands just won’t stop fucking shaking. Ah, god DAMN this feels really really bad.

Fuck this “tapering” shit. Fuck it all to hell, it fucking sucks. What a prison all of this is.

Absolutely inhuman, this stuff is. Absolutely. There is no way OFF of this stuff. You just can’t do it.

Ah fuck, this SUCKS. Ah, god DAMN it. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck this HURTS, AAAAHHHHHHHHH fuck FUCK THIS.

God damn it, my brain is splitting open, ah, FUCK. This SUCKS. Fuck me, ah, god, how horrible. How monstrous and unfair. This life is no good, no good like this, at all.

I need more drugs, more fentanyl. I need and fuck I swear I’ll kill to get it I SWEAR, lol. Well… maybe, maybe not. FUCK.

Ah, my hands, ahhhhh FUCK they hurt. And my feet, and my everything. God this sucks.

Fuck me.

Um, I don’t even know why I’m typing this, lol. I’m just… IDK, thinking about stuff.

IDK, Thanksgiving came and went and I every year I like to stop and take stock of things after the holiday.

This year I feel… awful, lol. Dreadful, lonely, disappointed, left out, and… miserable. This sucks; I hate it.

Yeah, truthfully, Thanksgiving kinda sucked this year. Yeesh, the holidays are just brutal as fuck if you celebrate them alone, or even with the not-customary family set. They really suck; you always feel left out.

God this sucks. This place is such a dreadful country. There doesn’t seem to be anyplace that really offers happiness. At least, as far as I can see, or reach. Fuck this place.

God I can’t wait to fucking die, lol. Yeah would THAT be nice. Ughk.

I swear to God this country has the worst leaders on Earth. They just create so much misery, and disappointment. It’s almost as if it’s in their job descriptions, or something.

I mean come on, you shitheads. All you politicians, and big business leaders. God do you people fucking suck. You are all selfish, stupid, greedy assholes, all of you. I truly hate you all, each and every one of you; I would love nothing more than to see someone feed every millionaire in this country into a woodchipper. I don’t buy much, anymore, but I would buy tickets to THAT, lol.

Big tech, especially. No- banking. No, the media. lol, ALL of them. I hate you all, truly and to the core of my being. Fuck you all.

But- back to the topic at hand- I just didn’t enjoy Thanksgiving. I wonder if I ever will again, considering the way society is going. I suppose Christmas is next on the chopping block, and then, probably the rest of our holidays, mostly, because the rich don’t like them, and everything they don’t like, they try to destroy, because they hate EVERYTHING, it seems.

My hate is reciprocal. They started it.

But like… yeah. Fuck this Thanksgiving. It sucked.

There was one interesting / good point about Thanksgiving, though, and I might expound upon it more, later. I decided to watch the anime Overlord over the course of the holiday and wow, if that wasn’t completely and surprisingly based on my experiences playing the Avernum series IDK what to say, lol. I mean, I was just like, sitting there and watching it, lol, and then… BAM, it hit me. This is… Avernum! Holy shit! I… will expound upon this later, I think. I think I need to, concerning my history. It ties into some posts I made here, a long, long time ago. It’s crazy how this stuff just seems to continually loop around, for me.

But- I will get into that, later, when I have more time.

k, bye for now.

100 posts, here. And I don’t know what to say in “celebration” of this.

I don’t… want to go back. To normal life. I can’t, I’ve been out for too long.

I… can’t even envision a life anymore that doesn’t revolve around drugs. I mean, for me.

Like I don’t even know what I could do, or where I could even go.

I mean I don’t want to be a statistic but… I just… I don’t know.

Like, I don’t know if I’m even brave enough to walk away from the drugs and be like… a normal person. It’s like, that would be so… difficult, and weird. And I would hate it, because to do that would be to admit how flawed I really am as a person. It would be to admit how dumb I was in living this life and making so. MANY. Mistakes.

I don’t want to admit that. I mean, to face up to what a colossal fuckup I really am. I just can’t. I can’t do that, no way.

God, I don’t know what hurts more, these days. The drugs, my various illnesses, or this godawful emotional pain that seems to underpin all of it.

I don’t know what to do. It’s like, even if I got off the drugs, I would probably still get back on, right? Because of this other stuff, especially the emotional stuff. Fuck me.

I don’t want to live without drugs. I don’t; I can’t. I can’t go back to being that person I was, before. I just can’t. I mean, I hated that person. I mean, my girlfriends seemed to like him, but… I… didn’t. I guess.

Or maybe I’m making excuses to continue being a junkie, I don’t know.

I don’t know.

Maybe I fucked up in not seeking professional help for this.

Yeah… maybe.

Fuck.

It’s like I don’t even care about my girlfriends anymore, lol.

I mean, I don’t get photoshoots or premieres anymore, you know, so it’s like… what’s the point? I mean, even the movies have dried up. So it’s like… that’s just not much out there, anymore, that would truly interest me.

So I have fentanyl, then.

So I’ll make THAT my new girlfriend, since it does indeed love me, I mean, I can FEEL it, lol.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, god it hurts, lol.

God I’m dumb.

Fuck me, what a waste of a life. I mean I had such promise, lol. And look at what I’ve become. Ughk, this sucks. I mean, I don’t want to just end up yet another casualty, but… I… I’m like, already there, lol. I mean I just can’t do it, you know?

Fuck.

I just feel so lost. It’s like there is no way out of this. It’s a maze without an exit. I can’t get out. I’m trapped.

This sucks.

I’m dead, lol.

Fuck.

Oh yes, thank you so much, lol. Oh god yes, that is what I need. I’m “normal” now.

The mere prospect of not having this stuff in my veins is just utterly terrifying to me, lol. It’s like it sends me into some ungodly tailspin. I mean the THOUGHT of not having it is just… scarier than anything I could possibly think of.

It’s just so POWERFULLY needed, and… life without it seems to almost be not real. It seems to be… not… natural. It’s not real life, anymore. Real life is fentanyl, to me. Without it is like some kind of alien world.

So yeah, I’m back into the protective bubble that I need to be in to feel myself. Like, this is OK. I’m OK. This is not a problem. Thank you.

Yes this is not an issue, anymore. I have everything under control…

So…

No problem, then. Right.

Yeah.

Right.

Like… no way is anyone prying fentanyl from my hands, while I’m alive. No way, no way is that going to happen. I will fight and kill for this stuff. No problem, I need it, I will get it. No matter the consequences. Because the drug “speaks” to me, and I love it, and it loves me.

So, then, that’s that. Right.

A marriage made in heaven.

Yeah.

Right…

Right.

I mean, just to re-iterate, for like the millionth time…

NO WAY CAN I EVER GIVE THIS STUFF UP, EVER, FOR ANY REASON. I WILL KILL FOR THIS. I WILL KILL FOR IT, SO DON’T ANYONE PUSH ME.

Ahhhhhhh yeah but I know that this is bad, lol, but still, that’s just how it is…

Ah god, I need MORE tho. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Ahhhh FUCK.

This is not… FUCK.

Fuck you, world. lol

Seriously.

I just want to scream, really, really loudly. So loud it could shatter glass. God damn I’m scared of being off this stuff, lol. But I’m so scared of being on it, too. I mean I can’t LIVE like this, lol.

I’m… not… thinking about this now, though. No way. No chance.

Fuck you, world.

Ah, god I just want to fucking puke.

This is nowhere near enough. Not even close. Not even remotely.

Fuck you, Tom.

Ahhhh…

Ughk.

Fuck.

You know what would be good right now?

Fentanyl. Yes. Fentanyl, and lots and I mean LOTS of it. Love that fentanyl, it’s so great, I need it SO BADLY that it’s hard to even comprehend how absolutely wonderful it is, for me. I love it, it works for me, it helps me and makes me better and fixes EVERYTHING, really, I really, really need it, so bad, so bad, so badly I can’t even STAND it.

Yeah, oh man, life simply wouldn’t be worth living without it. That’s the problem, really. Life wouldn’t be worth it without it, life wouldn’t be worth ANYTHING without it, lol. Yeah, forget what I said earlier, lol. Fentanyl is… so important, for me… I need it, it works, it is EVERYTHING.

It’s just all consuming, this lust I have for it. It’s more important than anything, it means everything, it is the world and all it offers. It feels so good, it does, and I’m REALLY lacking it, right now. I just… GOD I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT, lol.

Oh god, it’s just so good, so needed, ah… jeezus it’s so potently needed, for everything… I HATE trying to get “off” this stuff, because it’s like, needed for life, now, lol. Oh man, I was going to wait till tonight to take some but NO WAY, lol. No way is that even remotely acceptable, I need it NOW.

So yeah I’ve been trying to taper like a good little citizen. I don’t know, maybe I’m an idiot. I could well be. It just… feels… so… NECESSARY, and needed, and it’s like, I can’t… deal, without it. I can’t deal with anything, without it. Oh GOD

lol, gawd, so fucked up, but it’s ok, this is how I live, now. Not a problem, really.

Yeah we’ve got this under control, now. No problem.

Thing is is I can’t live without fentanyl. I can’t. No way is that even remotely possible. No way, no how, and I feel like I would do ANYTHING to get it. ANYTHING. It’s so powerfully wonderful, that stuff.

Oh god, yeah, I must take, this is utterly insane, lol

oh GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Oh god, no way can I get off this stuff. No way, no way, no way, no way… NO WAY.

I don’t care. I would rather die without it.

If nobody else in this world loves me, fentanyl will. Yup.

Yeah!

Defo.

Ahhh, I hate my life, lol. I hate it so much, I wish I was dead, lol. Ah…

I wish, I wish, I wish I could just die. I wish, I wish. Please just let me die, already.

Ahhhh…

GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD IT FUCKING HURTS

Alright, I’m loading up. Fuck this.

Fuck you, world. Fuck you all, I hope you all perish horribly.

Fuck you.

Republican politicians are worthless shitheads. All of them; don’t bother looking to find any that aren’t, you won’t find them.

For generations now, perhaps since the day World War II ended up to this day, they have consistently insisted on wasting everyone’s time on stupid, ridiculous, wasteful crusades that have brought nothing but ruin to their own country.

Take the Cold War, which, after fuck knows how many trillions of dollars spent and how many nations destroyed, we lost, spectacularly, because the Republicans who were out fighting communists in Asia were too stupid to notice that we had them here, too. Whoops! Fucking idiots, all of them. Everyone who supported that damn war betrayed and destroyed this country, and here, I’m pointing the finger at all of them- Reagan, Buchanan, Goldwater, virtually everyone associated with the military, essentially everyone who ever demonized the USSR, and everyone that supported Vietnam, and Korea, and Grenada, and everything else.

All of that was a colossal waste, all that that effort did was bankrupt the nation. Everyone that supported that stupid endeavor had a hand in ruining this country and destroying it’s future. So many resources were wasted fighting the damn Soviets that none were left over to fix any problems here, at all. All of you fuckheads should be ashamed of yourselves. It is because of you that this country is in the position it is in.

Republicans are probably the most spineless, weak, and contemptible people on the planet. All of them are losers, including Trump, who wasted fuck knows how much time on stupid nonsense like revisiting said dumb Korean war and other crapola, like all of his stupid “outreach” attempts to blacks, which only had the effect of making him look weak and insecure, naturally. I mean, like always. Republicans should NEVER do this, never, ever, for any reason, ever. It ALWAYS backfires. Always, and it always will, forever. The only reason they do it, I think, is perhaps to make themselves look stupid, I guess on purpose.

Really, the problem here is the Republicans. They fucking suck. They are the reason the country is in this mess.

There is no acceptable reason as to why the democrats are able to literally commit mass fraud on a scale that would have shocked Stalin except for the fact that the republicans always let them get away with literally anything, mostly because they have the constitutions of little girls and run and hide out of fear at the moment someone accuses them of being “racist”, i.e., white.

These worthless fuckheads have no purpose, and no value. They only serve to make everything worse, and they ALL suck. There are no good republicans. If there are any, I mean, if you see one, just wait a year or two. He will change and you will see his true colors.

So- what now?

What now is we cast off the shackles of the damn republican party and create our own laws. Since the democrats do not recognize American laws as valid, we have no reason to, either. Fuck them both.

All a republican will ever do is take his voters for granted, since in my lifetime that is all they have EVER done. All republican politicians I have ever seen or heard of have been failures and disappointments. And you know what? They’re not going to be changing any time soon.

Don’t vote, from now on. There is no reason; their laws are not valid since you are not and will never be given representation.

Create your own country, your own nation; no republicans allowed, no democrats allowed, no politicians of ANY kind allowed, ever. Fuck them all, they all suck and always will.

I am not exaggerating when I call fentanyl addiction death. At least two states have used fentanyl as a drug of choice for lethal injections.

See here: https://www.addictioncenter.com/news/2019/09/fentanyl-execute-prisoners/

You want your kids using this shit recreationally? You want your kids ADDICTED to this shit? It will kill them. It will kill our country.

Biden needs to go. If he gets in, our streets are going to be swamped with this stuff.

A Biden presidency is going to render this country unlivable. I mean, Trump is absolutely no good at all, but ugh, he at least wouldn’t, I think, actively try to destroy everything good in the nation like Biden would. I think.

Yuck, how awful. Truly, all of our politicians suck. This must be the worst run nation on Earth. I mean I can’t think of another government off the top of my head as vile as ours, except possibly for Israel, or maybe Britain.

This country fucking sucks for allowing ANY of this stuff. Gawd people, what the fuck are you guys even doing? I mean, seriously.

What the fuck, guys?