Sighinide

Happy birthday, Katherine.

……..

Well…

I was going to talk about something, here. And… I still am, but… not what I was going to. I think. Basically.

I went through some old bookmarks, just now. I mean, bookmarks of picture collections. Albums of old rares of the group. Miley, Demi, Selena, Alexa, Sammy… and everyone else, McKaley Miller, the Dorseys, Lucy Hale, Rachel Fox… and the rest- you know- Bridgit, the Jonases, Debby, and… Cady, and… Kayslee, Audrey, you know, everyone, and all the familiar guys, Bieber, and everyone else. You know- Taylor, Ashley and way so many others.

I love that stuff, lol. It’s always such a peek into a better time. Like an old yearbook, only better. Flickr is great for this. Most of that site seems frozen in 2009, which makes it an incredible repository of the old culture.

I got a good laugh out of Selena’s recent upload where she seems almost incredulous at how many followers she has. A wry smile, I saw, when she said “100 million”. Hmmn, yeah. 100 million… wow. I remember those times when I had to hunt to find pictures of her. I mean I literally drained the internet of all publicly available pictures of her, at one point. This was before she had a twitter or an instagram. A lonnnnng time ago. Too long, almost. No… it is too long, though. Way too long, at this point.

It seems almost like a distant dream, that world. Like an eternity apart from where we are now. I wish it weren’t so. I wonder what I would give to go back there, for a day. And I wonder why.

I don’t know. Jeez she had such an influence on me. So huge. Wow. I… don’t know how to even encapsulate it. I mean, what do I even say, to all of this? The years and the changes, the experiences, and everything. It’s too much to even grasp, let alone summarize.

So I was going to talk about Wizards of Waverly Place, and… I want to, I mean, it’s important, of course. This is what solidified our relationship and altered the course of history. I mean, there’s the obvious of course- of course, much of the show if not all of it was I think inspired by my own experiences with her, and Demi, and Miley… but, I don’t know.

I mean I would need to rewatch clips of it on youtube to remap that stuff in my brain, and I’m not… kinda… in the mood for that? And I’m too old, anyways. I guess. Kinda. Well, it seems not really, but there you go.

Uhm… yeah, I don’t know what to say. I guess it’s just that I think that that was the first time in my life where I felt truly accepted for who I was. Like, people liked me before. But that isn’t the same as “accepting”. Selena and Demi and their friends actually appreciated what I had to offer the world. I mean, my powers, and everything else. Like, they really wanted to hang out with me in such a way that I got the chance to truly be myself. So, I was with them, but not as a wallflower, or as some cute guy in the background. They really invited me in and wanted to get to know me; my abilities, my faults, my… everything, even the dumb everyday stuff that nobody really seems to have time for, except for maybe your closest friends.

I mean, they loved me. The real me, unfiltered, in a way that nobody else ever did up to that point. And that was just so liberating, and incredible. And so impactful. I remember listening to Kiss and Tell and being absolutely floored by it, like… wow, she loves me, in spite of the things I do. Or even because of them. And god that was HUGE. It just changed my life. It changed everyone’s. I mean I just couldn’t believe how personal it was.

And our relationship only grew from there, but I think that nothing I ever see or do in this life will replace the impact that Kiss and Tell had on me. It was like… even to that point, I didn’t know, not really, that all of this wasn’t just… a hallucination. I didn’t know that it was even real, and I thought that maybe I was losing my mind, lol. But then that album came out and… yeah, it answered everything. It was the key to unlocking me. And I don’t think I will ever feel that way again. I mean, not that I necessarily need to, but…

I guess I just want to be understood, and respected, for what I do. And I get that from celebs, but not in my real life. The people in my family, for instance, regard me as… Tom, that kid they’ve always known. Not as who I am. Which is good I guess but… it isn’t accurate, and that really isn’t good. I’m not the person I was 15 years ago, obviously. And we can all see that, but I suppose my parents can’t, and maybe never will. And the same with everyone else. I have fans, but not in my neighborhood. To them, I’m still just that guy, I guess. I’m too familiar to them.

Oh, I don’t know. I wish my life were different and I’m looking for some easy way to change it, and I’m not finding it. I don’t like how I live. I hate being a drug addict. I hate being sick, I hate… everything else, and I hate feeling trapped, so much. I mean, trapped by my own depression, and by the fentanyl and morphine, etc. And by the government, of course. And by my own family, sometimes. And by myself, and everyone else. I hate it, and I wish I could get out.

Ah, this sucks, it really does. Oh I just OUT so badly. I hate crying in here to Cady Groves’ music, which I did AGAIN this morning, maybe because I took some fentanyl and I don’t think it agreed with me, again. That shit has weird effects, sometimes. Messes with my mind something fierce.

But I don’t know, I just want OUT. How depressing all of this is. How dreadful. I just hate it, so much.

I wish Selena was here with me. I’d like to talk to her about the stuff we’ve done over the years. I mean, I can invite her in, of course, but…

well…

I need to leave, I think.

Yeah.

sigh…

The US military might well be the most vile institution on Earth. What I said below in my previous post here is more than accurate; it is possibly the most corrupt organization in the world, and, frankly, I find it hard to believe that there is anyone within it that has any kind of working moral compass, at all.

Time and time again, we see military men bow out and run away when confronted with a real challenge. When it comes to any kind of internal enemy, all military men are blind, stupid, and helpless. All of them are worse than useless when it comes to ferreting out and fighting ANY kind of problem within the US borders. ALL military men are cowards, when the chips fall.

And I do mean all of them. The whole lot of them are nothing more than little boys playing G.I. Joe. The foot soldiers, the officers, the marines, the air forces, the top brass, everyone, everything, they ALL suck when confronted with a real enemy, or perhaps any kind of enemy that requires thought to defeat. In those cases, they run away, always.

Fuck the military, especially in this country. In here they have NEVER bothered to root out corruption, of any kind, ever, save perhaps for the small time corruption of some working class people, somehow. When it comes to combating any crime or violation of substance, they are nowhere to be found.

Military veterans are not due the respect they demand. Our borders today are so open that anyone with a pair of tennis shoes can walk across them. Nobody in the military cares; all of them as far as I can see are bothersome obstacles at best towards fixing this problem. Why the fuck should I care if some shabbos goyim gets hurt or killed defending Israel’s borders? Our own are wide open. If they really cared about this country they would be HERE, defending it. Not running around acting as Israel’s private defense force, or as corporate America’s mercenaries. Seriously, fuck these people.

There truly is nothing worse than a man who is a coward at heart yet feigns toughness for the public, and this description unfortunately seems to accurately describe 99% of our military forces, past, present, and future.

I don’t care about these people. Seriously, I don’t, and I fail to see why anyone in the world should. Anyone with eyes can see the corruption here within US borders. Recently- the democrat party is openly stealing the presidential election, here. Previously, the list of crimes committed by wall street could fill an encyclopedia, and… fuck it, crime is everywhere, this country is little more than a vast, world spanning organized crime syndicate, propped up by a huge network of baby-eating pedophiles. And of course our military is nowhere to be found, except perhaps on those occasions where they do the baby eating and raping themselves.

Fuck these shitheads. I fucking hate military men. What a collection of pompous, worthless assholes those guys are. I have known a few, in my personal life. They all were cowards when it came to anything intellectual, and otherwise stuck up assholes, if not criminals themselves (common), dullards, or actual traitors (like those Christian shitheads who are all about dying for Israel instead of their own country). Ye gods, what a collection of losers and hypocrites.

Military veterans fucking suck. There are all sorts of these people running around out there, and none of them can be relied upon to help this place out when it needs it. There are countless veteran orgs out there that purport to be about helping the nation retain it’s constitutional values and all of them are useless when it comes to any kind of constitutional crises, like the one we are in right now.

Seriously, all of these fuckheads are worthless. They are such a tremendous drain on everyone else’s resources that it’s just unreal how little they give back in compensation.

I am continually amazed at how there is seeming NOBODY in or around the American system that seems to have the ability to do anything at all that is good for the country, or even generally moral. And wow are all of them cowards, lol. And dumb- almost like they are chosen because they can’t think for themselves. And lazy, and foolish. And generally dreadful all around.

Seriously, it’s fucking depressing when you realize how absurdly low the human quality is at or near “the top”. I mean, why are ALL these guys so utterly worthless? I swear the mind just boggles.

Whatever. Fuck this place. And especially, fuck this government.

And most especially, fuck those that defend it.

Oh lawd, what a repulsive circus. I mean, again. This… all of it, everything. So disgraceful. So nauseating. So… dumb, and ridiculous. So impossibly corrupt.

God I just hate politics in this country. Everything about the entire political system here makes me want to puke. I mean, I know, but it bears repeating, I guess, since not an unreasonable viewpoint.

So in the latest win that Trump has decided to hand to this nation’s enemies, the state dept. has deemed boycotts of Israel “Anti-Semitic”. I mean, to the point where they equate criticism of Israel’s policies with anti- Jewishness. I mean, literally, it’s in one of their tweets. I won’t look it up, but it’s still there in case you wanted to see it. And this is after yet another long string of lavish gifts that Trump has bestowed upon Israel as his own nation crumbles. I won’t bother listing them, since we all know he must’ve done it, since why wouldn’t he, he’s barely American anyways.

In politics it’s just different kinds of corruption, vying for this or that office, or this or that pile of money. No politicians, national, state or local, seem to care about the public, or even have much of an idea of what the public might want, anyhow.

It’s all corruption, or stupidity, or outright foolishness, and it seems there is no end in sight to all of this. It just continues, forever, since the political machines are in the hands of lazy, sheltered boomers, racial grifters, and foreign agents.

But yeah, with Trump, it’s like he doesn’t and never really did care about his voters, except in those cases where he needed something from them, like now. At all other times, it’s Israel, Israel, Israel. And whatever attention he deems worthy to waste on Americans will be spent prostrating himself in the most embarrassing ways possible before niggers, the Jewish establishment, and Wall Street. Actual Americans, as usual, have to fight the opportunity to be gifted table scraps.

Trump wasn’t the right man for job. Of course, there IS no “right man for the job”, since the entire regime exists today to dole out money to the beneficiaries of corruption. We don’t even have a “system”. It’s just a enormous Zionist criminal network, like a giant organized crime syndicate that operates out of Jerusalem. We don’t have a “government”, just a collection of con artists chosen for their posts based on how much money they can swindle from the stupid parts of the public.

It’s shameful that a system like this could even exist, much less that we, the public (i.e. stupid, ignorant boomers) could have allowed it to take over the government so fully that it threatens the future of the world. But yeah, there it is.

God, boomers are so preposterously dumb. So fucking stupid, all of them. They ALL suck, and I say all because even though there may be like .01% that don’t, that portion is so small as to be statistically insignificant.

And their party- the GOP- is beyond worthless, for all the reasons I have outlined here, again and again, for year after year. When it counts, they run. When called to make a stand on principal, they go out and golf. They take people for granted, and lie lie lie to their constituents so often that they seem to think that “that’s just how it works”. ALL of these people are worthless. All of them suck, there are no good republican politicians, anywhere.

And I don’t give two fucks about Giuliani, or whomever. That guy, and Trump, and everyone else, had decades of time to make headway on fixing the system, and they have make no progress, whatsoever, on anything of substance. And no, I don’t care if that’s because of “opposition” blah blah blah or whatever, the point is, they can’t get stuff done. Not when it counts, not when it doesn’t, not ever, these people always lose, lose, lose, mostly because they are either lazy, dumb or corrupt themselves.

The point is that all of these people suck, and even if they suck perhaps 1% less than the other people, that still means they aren’t worth paying attention to.

And no, I don’t care about the “white hats” or “Q” or any of that stupid bullshit. Perhaps you have noticed, but I haven’t mentioned that “Q” thing before on this blog, ever. That’s because I don’t think it worth talking about. It’s dumb; the “Q” whatever has just been years upon years of lies and misdirections. All of this stuff is shit, there are no “White Hats” in the military or whatever. The US military is probably the most corrupt institution in the world; that being the case there are few to no “good guys” in it.

All of this stuff sucks, everything the GOP touches turns to shit, always. It is for this reason that I think that the democrats “taking over” (as much as Israel will let them) will not be as bad as those on the right think. Let those shitheads take the blame for this preposterous mess we call a political system. Let those fuckheads own it. Seriously- they want this shit? Fine, lol, let them take it. It’s like the two parties are fighting over who gets to be hated the most, or something. Fine, whatever. Let that Kamala bitch take that poisoned chalice. Works for me. I mean as long as I don’t have to drink from it, lol.

Fuck it, whatever.

So much trauma, lol. I feel like it’s gutting my brain, splitting my insides and killing my soul, brutally. So much trauma, trauma everywhere, so penetrative, such trauma, splitting me open. Dead childhood and ugly abuse all come frothing forward with weakened defense because of drug abuse. Oof, oh, such horror from the past, welling up like a poisoned spring.

Such rejection of me, and who I am, by myself, cordoning off those places so they never see light. Multiple personalities, all vying for obscurity. Dying to be hidden, living to be destroyed.

Ah, I just need more fentanyl, lol.

Yeah, that’s it.

Yeah…

Oh, I think I took too much fentanyl, lollllllllllll… Oooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah,

ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah, oooooooohhhhhhhhhhh yeah. Yeahhhhhhhhhhh. Jeebus, too much, can’t stop yawning. My fingers feel dead; fuck. Oof, ahhhhh my body is like jelly. So weird, my muscles can’t contract. My joints hurt, really bad. Ahhh yeah, this was too much, I was having withdrawl symptoms earlier today so to make up for it I took a bunch of narcotics and am now paying for it a bit too much, I think. It’s too much, too much I took, all at once.

Everything’s slowing down, all I can do is lay here, stupidly. And think, and daydream. It’s so slow, the world is. So… ahhhhh, so… lazy, and……… soft and…….. dead. So tired, the world is. So tired, I am. So….. cata….tonic. So tired.

Ahhhhh fentanyl, my addiction. My way and mean. My reason….. for……..

Ahhhhh can’t…. move, lol. So tired, so tired. I will…… relax.

Yeah………..

relax.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh

Come and get it, you retards.

Yeah- ALL of you. All of you dumb motherfuckers- come and get it, I’ve got enough bullets for you all.

And, failing that, I have GOD behind me. As backup. And behind him is Satan, I guess for moral support.

See, that’s the thing- you have all miscalculated.

People wonder why FOX is doing so shitty. Well, people- the public doesn’t need FOX. The public has ME. That’s the thing- fuck all of you media assholes, I have more than enough support amongst the public to lead a political movement by myself, without any of you shitheads.

With Trump’s defeat, I am the conservative movement now. And being that it is now my movement- and being that I have nothing to do with FOX and never will- I fail to see why the network thinks that it will do well. Because it won’t. Because fuck those guys, anyways. They are all fucking losers.

You have all make a catastrophic mistake. With me, there will always be an alternative. Perhaps you all didn’t get the memo from all the stuff I wrote on here years ago, back during the start of Trump’s administration. If he fails, I will take over. Ownership of the soul of conservative thought and action will be MINE, then. MINE- and not Trump’s, or Drudge’s, or anyone else. I will, then, inherit the movement and define it’s principals.

And seriously, guys. With me, who the fuck needs FOX regardless of circumstance, anyhow? I have the powers of a god. I can and will lead literally telepathically, directing movements, ideas, and people with my mind. Using MY control over the media- and Hollywood- I can outrival any news network on television.

Trump made the same mistake- he took his base for granted, not understanding that his base had an alternative. ME. After 2016 he ditched the white male vote and focused his outreach efforts on niggers, Jews, and other assorted riff-raff, apparently believing that white men had nowhere else to go. Don’t believe me? Read this article: https://amgreatness.com/2020/11/13/forgotten-again/.

Well, read that, and read here, too, I spent years on here criticizing Trump for doing just this, back when nobody else was doing so. Thus, of course: I still have credibility, now, unlike many. Psychic powers and all that, you know.

Well, fine. Trump lost because he neglected his base, as I showed he would. And now, with Trump and all of his supporters out of the picture, and FOX gone, and everyone else lacking credibility, I can easily step in and take over.

And I will. Because fuck you people, that’s why. The newspapers, the government, big business, wall street and all the rest of you, you know who you are. Fuck you all, I hate you, and I will not stop until you are a smear on the pavement. I’m like the terminator, only tougher, and more handsome. So THERE- fuck you all, you have earned this through your actions and your short-sighted thinking.

AND- I know what to do, to create a better and brighter future for us all. My ability to grow people is well proven and extremely public. Have a chat with anyone in Hollywood if you don’t believe me, they will tell you. Talk with anyone, say, in the hacker underground, or the deep government; they will tell you. I can lead, and I can create. I can make a powerful movement out of nothing but my own energy.

So THERE. Yeah, fuck you all, who needs FOX or Drudge or any of these losers anyhow. All of these people suck, all of them. Conservatives- you don’t need newspapers, or magazines, or anything. Because you have ME.

Yeah!

So, then. I guess I win, again.

Neat.

Hmmmn… 90 posts in this series. Wow. That’s a lot. Guess I’m not so “not Dysfunctional” after all, huh?

Ah, though. My body has been deadened by the narcotics again. Ah… good? I don’t know. Ahhhhhh… so… peaceful… but not… naturally so. But even so, it is peace. And that is to be treasured, I suppose. Peace. In my little corner of the world, in my tiny room, sequestered from reality, I do have peace. And that is something to cherish.

It’s… solitary, tonight, as opposed to lonely, up in here. Not too shabby.

Hmmmnn… so alone, I am. So isolated. It really is like my own little universe in here, and I mean that of course much more literally than anyone else would.

It’s cold in here, in spite of the heater running. I have the window open, tonight, to let me breathe in nature’s energies. I love doing that in the deep night, and always when it’s an usual temperature- too hot, or cold. The changes in the ambient environment give my skin curious sensations. Hot breezes from the heater intermix quite playfully with the chilly gasps of air from the outside nocturnus, and the result is a soothing blanket of spirit. It feels… unearthly. Beautiful, and unique.

It’s times like this I love to be alive. I just love thinking, contemplating through the night on days like this. It’s dark out there, so dark. Dark enough to lose myself, and everything else. It’s beautiful.

I have a glowing ocean of LEDs lighting my room up. It’s dissociative. The lights and their energies add spice to the mixture of airs. It’s all so soothing on my humbled nerves. And the feelings of my magic, and the powers of my subconscious mind, buoy my thoughts and soul to what is real, here, while subluxing my ego from it’s desires of too much, too soon. I feel free, in here. Free to roam, here, there, anywhere. Outside, I touch the dew on the grass. I run my fingers over it, to caress it, to feel and steal it’s essence, to add it to my collection of experiences and tangents upon this plane of existence. In here, I catalog what I know now, having done that, and created that happening, that impression of my own self upon the world and it’s history. And up there, I am guided, by me, and by everything I can be, and down there, by everything I once was, and can never be again.

I feel… myself, in here. I feel so powerful, so absolute, so everything, and beyond even that. And so small, like the pinpoint that I am in this vast, uncountable cosmos. And far beyond this, I feel God, or what I believe him to be, amused at my meager revelations. To this, I am an atom, one single element smaller beyond what we can ever know. But I am an amusing element, a fine curiosity for a grand deity. I am not like the other atoms, here. And that makes me worthy of a notice.

I just finished listening to a few of Cady’s songs, and I can hear her voice even now channeling her soul’s wishes from beyond the grave, from across the aether and through the oceans of walls that keep us apart, to most. Not to me, though. Never to me; I can see, and hear, and feel, and live, there. Beyond the void, they might call it. Across the seas of existence and the planes of dimensions that hold us- them- in place. But not to me, though. Never to me.

I can see her; feel her. She’s here, with me, tonight. And that is why I wonder if I can’t simply… bring her back. To be with me. I mean, why not?

But alas even I am bound by some rules. There are walls even I cannot climb. And that wish might just forever be one.

Ahhh… if only. I’m so close, though. SO CLOSE. And yet so very… not, lol. I’m still only a human, only a man, living in his parents’ house, hooked on drugs, depressed, lonely, broke, suicidal, unemployed. Some dumb, ditzy blonde who sleeps with everyone because he’s too afraid to not, because he’s scared that people will stop giving him the time of day if he ceases putting out to everybody who wants it from him. A slut, at best. Really, a whore. An airhead, when you put it all succinctly.

But, ah, what a life I’ve lived, though. Seen enough for a million lifetimes, maybe more.

I thought about suicide again, today. Fondled it, tasted it. Cady again talked me out of it. I wasn’t ready, not my time, my superior self said. My familiars thought so as well, again. Not ready, yet. Not now. I mean, I still need to fuck Olivia Holt, lol. And the rest of them, I guess. Gawd, being an airhead is much more difficult than they tell you it will be. But whatever, that is for some reason my lot, here. A ditz to the end. Ah, well. At least I don’t hurt for sex, lol.

Uhm… well… not sure what else to say. It’s past midnight, here. It’s late, but I’m not tired. Maybe that’s the drugs. Or the magic, or whatever.

Well… I guess I need to sleep with some people. I need them to talk about me tomorrow, you know? I can’t not have that. It wouldn’t be right. That’s what a slut does, you know. It’s like our “thing”. And double plus points if you happen to be blonde. Or at least, that’s what Hollywood told me.

Hmmnn… well… ohkay, then. I guess I’ll sign off, for now. Yeah. I mean… I don’t WANT to, but… I… need to. It’s… just the end of the day, I guess.

Yeah. Ohkay, then.

Good night, world.

Sleep tight.

Um… I don’t know, I suppose I should write about something before bed today, so…

Well, let’s write about this, then.

So… had kinda sorta a bad morning, took some fentanyl and felt better, etc., the usual. It’s weird, my nerves felt like they were melting in the shower, but I guess that’s to be expected since I went too long before using. So, yeah, there’s that.

Talked to Cady, she got my head screwed on straight as the fentanyl took effect. Thanks? Although it’s not like she had anything else to do. She talked me off a bridge, again, but this time it wasn’t quite as scary and desperate, perhaps owing to how I’m trying to kinda-sorta get my addictions under control. I mean, it’s… kinda going well, in that respect. Kind… of. Mostly. At least somewhat. I guess.

Hmmmn. Well.

So… I listened to her two last demo tracks, both were very good, and very personal. The last, from December 2018, indicated a kind of profound insecurity about our relationship, owing I guess to Cady’s massive (at the time) misunderstanding of me. I mean, I know she directed it at me; it’s obvious, but still… Cady, dear… lol. The impression I get from the track is that Cady hugely underestimates my power, apparently not knowing that at the time I was purposely concealing it. And as well she of course did not understand the whys of why I wasn’t still sleeping with her. And I guess, that one is… my fault, for not explaining things, and maybe trying to work things out, and perhaps for not trying to understand her, myself. Sorry, Cady.

So… I found Cady’s obit, and thought about maybe leaving a message. Something innocuous, likely with my real name, but no details about… telepathy, lol, or necromancy, lmao. You, know, something that wouldn’t cause a fuss. I don’t know, would even that be in bad taste? I mean the last message was from June, and most were from her friends and family. I don’t know.

Again, though, this hardly seems fair, doesn’t it? I mean it seriously seems… in very bad taste, that I wasn’t on there, a long time, ago. I mean, I understand why, but still… I don’t understand it, either. It isn’t right; not moral at all, really, to have left me out of this. It’s super, super rude. Insulting, honestly. And frankly rather dumb and small minded. I mean, I was her muse, if nothing else. Just because most people do not understand what we had and couldn’t is no reason to ignore it entirely. Honestly- that sucks, guys.

Whatever. I might go ahead, why not. Leave a note as though I was a random fan, or something else. You know- something I wasn’t, I guess to once again not ruffle anyone’s feathers. I mean, you don’t want to make people jealous, or shatter their dumb, fragile, shallow understandings of what this world is. Because showing the rubes what this world actually IS is… wrong? At least, they themselves do not like it; they prefer themselves to live in fantasyland, I guess, and who are we to tell them their fantasies are dumb and wrong, just because they are?

Whatever. Maybe I’ll take a risk… ehhh… maybe not. They’ll just delete it anyways.

Or maybe I won’t bother. I mean, in spite of how utterly wrong that would be, I think, to both Cady and I. I mean, it’s not like it’s actually important to her, I mean, I can feel her right now telling me not to be concerned, but still. It’s the spirit of the thing, you know? I mean not the ACTUAL spirit of course, I mean I’m kinda talking to that right now, but the… social expectations of all of this, which are… stupid, and wrong, lol. Uh, whatever. Maybe I’ll just let it go, but… I’m TIRED of doing that.

I hate it, always just letting EVERYTHING like this slide. I always have to, I can’t tell anyone, anything, about what I do, ever. Like I can’t even begin to broach any of these topics with anybody without breaking enormous social taboos. And damn it, that seriously is NEVER fair to me, kinda like how nothing ever is, in this society. It’s too much. Too big a cross to bear, to have to constantly pretend to be someone I’m not. To always constantly, unendingly have to hide the fact that I have superpowers from everyone I meet. It’s hell to be a superhero. It fucking sucks. I mean it’s fun at first, but then the little problems start to pile up, and since you can’t talk to ANYBODY about them, they just continue to pile and pile until they bury you, and you can never get out from underneath them.

It’s horrible, awful. It fucking sucks, and is a large part of the reason why I always turn to drugs for relief instead of… anything else. Because for me, there IS nothing else.

It’s so horribly, crushingly lonely being the sole superpowered human in a world of normal people that will NEVER understand you and will hate talking to you when you are even a little bit honest because they will feel threatened and scared, so you don’t even bother. It fucking SUCKS, and I really hate it.

Fuck it, I’m not going to leave a message. Because fuck those people, anyways. I hate them, and Cady is mine, now, forever, anyhow. She MY family now, you assholes. Fuck you all, I hope you fucks die in a fire.

So there.

I swear to God one day I’m going to just kill everyone in this country from one coast to the other. Just because, just to prove a point. So THERE. Fuck you all.

Whatever.

So, dumb, anyways. I mean it’s not like she’s important, you know? Or even really was. Just some dumb singer that never really had what it took to make it, I guess. Yeah, so why should I be concerned? So I’m not, then. She’s not worth it. I mean SHE HERSELF didn’t think she was when she decided to drown herself in alcohol that night, right? So why should I care, then? I don’t. Because fuck it, and FUCK HER. That cunt, she’s making me feel like this for no reason.

Yeah.

So I’m going to take some more fentanyl and… think about stuff, before bed. Maybe hang out with some REAL celebrities, you know, like I do every night. So THERE.

Right.

Good.

…………..

Fuck.

LOL, I corrected the Roman Numerals down below. XLX became just L upon further revision. Never really did teach me that stuff in school, so it’s been a source of fun learning it now.

Neat. Love this stuff. I love ranting, I guess, because it allows me get stuff out of my body so I can tackle the days as I need to. It’s also quite a workout for my fingers. And I think it helps with my writing skills, too.

So, yeah, fun stuff.

And I think it appropriate that the “L” labeled essay was the fiftieth one. It’s a pretty good one, I think. It hits close to home for me since it’s about fentanyl addiction, kinda.

So, neat.

Yeah, hopefully I can get over it b4 I die, lol.

Cuz that would suck.