Sighinide

Oh God my head feels like it’s going to split open and empty my brains out my ears. Oh god, the PAIN. Ow, it just hurts SO MUCH.

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Ouch, ow, it HURTS. Can’t breathe, everything’s going to black, lol. I’m so dead, haha.

I know I know. You’re prolly like AGAIN?!?!?!? And yeah, I know but… owwwww oh god IT HURTS. Owwwwwwww, my whole body is wracked with pain; it hurts SO BAD. Yes AGAIN.

Ahhhhhh owwwwww oh man, so much pain. At least I’m less suicidal than I used to be, lol.

Need to go to bed.

Ow.

So basically, a Biden administration is going to be like 4 solid years of “HATE WHITEY” where “whitey” in this case means the usual poor or working class white men, you know, the most disenfranchised and defenseless of demographics. Of course the rich are not to be targeted, because they have money, and money means you are above the law and everything else in this country.

This shit is just dumb, and I’m beyond tired of it. Literally, all Democrats ever do is hate white men, steal from white men, lie about white men, lie to white men, attack white men, and exclude white men. Seriously- that’s all they do, unless, of course the white men have money, like Biden himself, or happen to be kinda sorta white-ish, like Jews, and even then, it’s mostly about the money. It seems as though Democrats understand nothing else but how to attack and exclude racially. They’re just awful, noxious, abysmal people. They seem almost fundamentally amoral in how they view the world.

Jeez, I just don’t want to live with these people. I seriously don’t, I mean, they obviously hate me, so why don’t they just let me go already? Ye gods, this whole thing is just dreadful. This country sucks soooooo much, lol.

This is intolerable. The Biden admin hasn’t even started yet and already people are prepping for war, or at least separation, and I applaud those efforts very much. I hope that the narcissistic assholes in the Democratic party won’t try to stop us from just walking away, lol. I have a feeling they will, though, and it’s going to get horrible, and it will ALL be on them, for being such shortsighted, immature and sociopathic people.

It just seems to me like “racism” is the only thing these guys are concerned about, and I can’t understand that mentality. I mean, see below today for more input on this. It’s like these guys have a preposterously one track mind, and it’s impossible to get them to focus or even talk about anything else. It’s weird and obsessive, and they act like they’re collectively suffering from some kind of oddball psychological disorder.

I mean, to these guys EVERYTHING is because of racism, racism is the cause of all the ills of everyone in the world. Racism is the cause of hunger, global warming, low black IQ’s, high black incarceration rates, divorce, disease, all economic problems, EVERYTHING, yes everything, in the world. Like all the problems of everyone, ever, are caused somehow by “racism”, except for those problems of poor white men, but since they don’t count we won’t bother investigating their issues. And somehow, this attitude isn’t “racist” by their definition, because racism is all about “having power”, which is something that poor white men have absolutely none of by reasonable definition.

This worldview makes zero logical sense, of course. It’s bizarre and convoluted and reads like something from Opposite World but it is what these guys believe. And it doesn’t work, which is why they continually double down. It’s like, they fail, so they need to double down because doing otherwise would mean to admit they were wrong, and so they fail again, and again, and again, and each time they need to get MORE SHRILL AND LOUDER to cover up for their increasingly stupid and ridiculous failures.

It’s awful, and it’s becoming wayyyy too much to live with. This stuff is religion, not science, not logic, and even worse, it’s a stupid, and FAILING, religion. And as it fails it thrashes about and tries to fuck everything else up as it dies. It’s awful, just awful.

The concept of “racism” is likely the most worst thing ever invented. It’s like, to the adherents of this religion, any amount of real crime is excusable when it could conceivably, in some tangential way, maybe help to combat “racism”, whatever that word even means. Murder, arson, fraud of any kind, rioting, genocide, any crime at all, is excusable to them if it could possibly in some tiny way be against “racism”. To these people, to be against “racism” means all actions of every kind are always 100% justified, all the time.

You can’t live with these people. They are nuts. They’re sociopathic if not outwardly psychopathic, and are in general agents of chaos and violence. They’re religious extremists without a religion. They’re moral busybodies without morality. They’re pretty much the worst the world has to offer.

I seriously can’t believe that this country is what it has become. Honestly, fuck this place. This is likely the worst run nation in the world at this point.

Ugh, how dreadfully embarrassing. This fucking sucks.

Again I am continually amazed at how much people care about nonsense like COVID and how little they care about real epidemics, like fentanyl.

It’s baffling. COVID barely exists, and is rarely if ever lethal. Fentanyl is filling up our graveyards and destroying vast swaths of the nation’s core. The media chooses to ignore fentanyl and focuses exclusively on COVID. The reasons are blatantly political, and weirdly personal to those “reporting” the “news”. Few if anybody in the ruling class cares about the problems caused by fentanyl addiction, apparently, in spite of the enormous and unbelievable damage it is doing to the future of everything we do.

It is truly baffling, except perhaps when you remember that the primary victims of fentanyl are poor white men. Then of course it becomes obvious why nobody cares.

Gods, this country sucks. Everything we do these days is a shameful and stupid circus of embarrassing dumbness. Everything the media talks about is dumb, and I mean everything. Everything done by both political parties is dumb, everything done by big business is dumb, everything done by the military is dumb, everything done by non-profits is dumb, everything we do is dumb, dumb, dumb.

This country fucking sucks. All of our leaders are terrible, all of them. There are no good leaders and no smart people in our ruling classes. Everyone “on top” is worthless.

Both political parties are obvious garbage. Everything they could do that is good, they won’t, and everything they could do that would be harmful to the citizens, they do.

I truly hate this country. Our leaders have betrayed us. ALL OF THEM are traitors. All of them deserve the guillotine. No exceptions. Trump, Biden, everyone in Wall Street, everyone in the military from the generals to the foot soldiers, all of academia, anyone that runs a charity or teaches in a school, everyone. ALL of these people are worthless, selfish scum. Fuck them all, they are all parasites. Every politician in America sucks, without exception.

This place has no future, because nobody with any authority here cares enough about it to make an effort to fix anything. We are all going to get swallowed up in a black hole of death and devastation, and there is nothing we can do because everyone with power is noxious human trash.

It’s all going to be about “racism”, like always. We are going to be about fixing “racism” until the last person here dies of a fentanyl overdose. We may not fix any REAL problems, ever, but by God we will fix racism! Even if it kills us, which it will.

The United States of America truly is a worthless country. Our history is shameful, if not despicable. Everything we have done since at least 1945, of not since the creation of the federal reserve, has been if not an enormous disaster, a huge mistake.

We fucking suck, as a country. That is the painful truth. We are only rich because we have allowed our unbelievably greedy and corrupt politicians and businessmen to plunder the vast wealth of this fresh land, and not because we are a good, or a smart, people.

Fuck this country, and fuck everyone, especially, who runs it. You are all worthless parasites.

I hate you all.

Ughk, how dreadful. Feel like utter shit, naturally. Fuck, this sucks. Tried having fun with Chloe East and only ended up passing out. Fuck, how awful. I used to have so much fun with her. And yeah we talked about that. About how we don’t have fun like we used to, and how I just see her anymore to keep me from passing out yet again, and how that kinda wasn’t what she wanted from the relationship. I mean, I know, Chloe, I know. I’m sorry, ughk.

Fuck.

I do wish it was different. I saw a different doctor yesterday and voila, of course, he hands me the name of some addiction specialists. Says they might “help me”. Great, how rude. Usual with parents. Whatever. I just feel so tired. Fuck. Oof, ouch. And in pain, again. Like always. Always, always, always. Sooooo much fucking PAIN. Fuck.

I’m sorry Chloe. I mean I know how you feel when I say that but it’s true. And I know you’re feeling sad as I’m even typing this but I need to get it out, so… yeah. I don’t have a choice. It’s MUCH healthier than some other stuff I could be doing right now.

Oof, this sucks. Addiction really, really sucks, doesn’t it? Oh gods, it’s horrible.

I googled a few of the addiction doctors whose names I have been given and read some unbelievable horror stories from some patients and ex-patients and such who went to see them, or had family members who saw them. Ugly shit, about overdoses, destroyed families, suicides, and general hopelessness. There are not too many good addiction doctors, it seems. I mean maybe that’s just this area or something, but jeezus. Oof, how depressing.

Ow, fuck. This sucks, lol.

I’m coming up on post 100 in this series, aren’t I? Yeah. Wow. How dreadful.

I mean you just can’t get OFF the stuff.

Whatever. Fuckit.

Fuck.

Weird stuff, all of this is.

It’s hard to comprehend. It’s like there are all of these pieces and parts and it’s like… impossible to fit them together because I have no idea of what the final product is supposed to look like.

I… don’t know. I don’t understand.

So. I’m… the Anti-Christ? It looks like it. Take the image of the Baphomet. Is that not me, doing to stuff I do? I mean, and not just… physically? I’ve felt like that, often, during dates on my relationships. It’s like… that’s who I become, sometimes, maybe most times, when I fuck one of my girlfriends. Pretty crazy stuff.

And the rest of it, of course. I mean, I am the Anti-Christ. I must be. There is nobody who fits this role better than I and I would be incredulous if anyone ever would. I mean, just look up the details of the Biblical Anti-Christ. That’s me… all the way down to the details, like my actions inspiring military events in the Middle East and such (Trump, ISIS, etc.) I won’t go into the details now but… yeah. That’s totally me, lol.

And apparently… I’m Christ, too? What? Like, WHAT? Like, yeah. I’m both, apparently. Bafflingly. I mean, everyone knows I have split personalities. And I guess I have BOTH Jesus and the Anti-Christ in me, battling it out, constantly. It’s confusing and strange as hell, but there it is, incredibly.

I mean yeah, I’m Jesus too. Holy shit. I mean, I’ve been looking at the arc of my life and I fit this, very well. And this isn’t a recent revelation, either. As a kid, I did used to wonder about this, off and on. I guess that one of my personalities incarnates Christian ideals better than perhaps anybody, ever. I mean- the ideals about the superhuman powers that can be granted by giving others true and unconditional love, the ability to heal others in ways beyond human understanding, the ability root out and destroy corruption and decay permanently and completely- and again, in ways 99.99% of humans could not begin to comprehend- and other stuff, like the ability to raise the dead (necromancy, apparently also one Jesus’s traits). And the rest of it, I won’t get into all of that, here. Probably telepathy, spiritual cultivation, physical immortality, a billion other things, etc., all done better than anyone else in history, etc. And there’s the fact the I can do all of this without money entering the equation at all, which is I guess another “tell”. I mean, yeah, I’m actually Jesus. Holy fuck. Wow, what the fuck, lol.

Oof, I don’t get it. I mean it works- the old image of the Anti-Christ is that of a man with two faces- but it still seems baffling. Nobody in sunday school ever told me that they were, like THE SAME PERSON. And certainly, nobody ever told me that that person was ME.

Uh… ok, then. So I lead global Satanism and global Christianity, at the same time, I guess. Uh… ohkay. And they both seem fine with this, I guess. So baffling.

The thing is, this works, but logically, it’s… precarious? I mean it’s supported by God I suppose (And I REALLY need to have another word with him. LIKE REALLY, DUDE. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?) but it’s ohkay. Wait.

You know what? Maybe the problem here is MY problem with all of this. Like, maybe the fact that I find it weird is the hold up, within my own life. Maybe it’s like I’m locked in place because I find it too hard to reconcile logically, and I should just then “go with the flow” so to speak. Um, I don’t know, though. So confusing.

So… yeah. About that whole Anti-Christ thing. I’m going over it in my head, here. Control over pop culture? Check. Evil demon powers? Check. Chaos magic? Violence and sex rituals? A billion girlfriends? Check. Ultimate charisma? The ability to warp reality with my mind? The ability to control others’ thoughts by looking at them? Check, check, check. And so on. The ability to traumatize people with thought alone? Yup. Yes, defo, I’m the Anti-Christ, make no mistake about it.

Mmmnn hmmmn. Yup.

So, yeah, then. I’m both. Ohkay… sure. We can run with this, I guess. Why not?

So confusing, lol.

But… cool?

Yeah.

Cool.

Good.

Ohkay but I REALLY need more, though. I mean, obviously, but there it is. I mean this is clearly WAY not enough. Wayyyyy not enough. Oh but I mean, defo not NEARLY enough. WAY more is needed, but I’m trying to be “responsible” again which is kinda dumb, perhaps, in a country as vile and corrupt as this one. But whatever.

Ughk, this is just awful. So bad. So dreadful. These are INTENSE cravings, here. It’s very important that I take more, you know? Like, VERY important. Because this is NOT ENOUGH.

I think I’ll try some morphine, that always takes the edge off.

I am SO glad I’m so knowledgeable about all of this. Ow, lol.

Oof, I’ll try talking about something else tonight, later.

Ouch. Ow. Yikes, this really sucks, lol.

Oof.

Ok then.

Oh NICE. Ooooooohhhhhhhh yes. So nice, so refreshing, so wonderful. Makes me alive, it does.

Oh man, what an incredible reward. So wonderful. So much euphoria, so much… relief. All the pain just melts away and I float away on a cloud of… loveliness. I feel at peace, like I should feel, I think. Yes, this is me.

Fentanyl, always. Addict for life. I LOVE narcotics. I mean mostly. I mean, when they don’t threaten to kill me. Usually. Kinda mostly, sorta. Sometimes. You know.

But this is one of the good times- one of those times I love being an addict. SUCH a nice feeling. It really is beautiful.

*AHEM*. Yeesh, thank god I’m home. There truly is nothing more awful than getting cravings when you’re… IDK, out and about. Oof, it’s just awful. Everything tingles and hurts and I can’t stop thinking about drugs. Nice, I FINALLY get to use tho.

Neat, so wonderful. Jeezus I can’t WAIT. It’s going to be so wonderful, oh yeah so good, I can’t wait for it, I just LOVE fentanyl sometimes. I mean, obviously, lol.

I know this is repetitive but I’m kinda stuck for now, so… yeah. Oh nice, can’t wait.

Neat.

I don’t understand why everyone keeps asking me what is wrong. People, NOTHING is wrong. Like, I’m fine. Obviously. I’m totally fine, with everything. Nothing’s wrong. I’m O.K. Why wouldn’t I be? I mean I know I have problems but… you know. You know? You know.

I mean I don’t “beat myself up”, people. I mean I don’t. Like, I just had sex with Kathryn (yes again) and she wondered WTF was wrong with me when I freaked out and pushed her away afterwards (yes again), which is just… how I do things. I mean it doesn’t mean anything. Like, it doesn’t mean I’m “damaged” or something. I mean yeah, it might look like it, but… you know, that isn’t how it is, you know?

I just prefer to not… do things the usual way. I like keeping everyone at a distance, at all times, forever. Doesn’t mean I have issues. That’s just how I do things. I mean, there’s the drugs and everything but that’s a separate issue. And all the other issues, which are separate issues.

You see, Kathy? And everyone. Pls stop asking me what’s wrong. Because there’s nothing “wrong”. It’s just different, that’s all. Like, you know?

I mean that the fact that I “hide myself” in my own pocket dimension at times- I mean, for days, months, or years, is just how I do things. That’s just my way, you know?

I don’t have… “issues”.

So THERE.

Dammit, I just can’t stop yawning. It’s like, half an hour, now. GEEZUS, lol. Like, half a fucking hour.

I think it’s the fentanyl. That shit is so powerfully sedative.

Fuckit, I REALLY need a do-over on some of this. Maybe like the last five years, or something. Or like maybe the last ten, I don’t know.

Fuck.

Gawd, so TIRED. I’m just so fucking exhausted. This fentanyl is really just killing me with each hit. I really need to transfer over the heroin, or something. Like, I seriously need to. SOON.

Oof, yuck.

Ouch.