Sighinide

Alright, time to cut something else out.

I’m scared.

I need to get that out; I have to.

Blaring this right now:

It’s Cady’s ode to her dead brother, Kelly. I remember what she said when he died, and thankfully, the poster of the video there provided what she said back then so I don’t have to take the time to search for it. Here it is:

“My brother just died. I stare at that sentence and still my brain refuses to process that. My heart may never. My best friend. The only person who would care about the dumb ideas and stories and jokes I had going through my head day by day. He was my biggest fan. He used to buy boxes and boxes of merch off of my website without telling me just to help my dream. Those boxes were all just found in his attic and donated. I never knew. He introduced me to my favorite band and his- Our Lady Peace. When I was 9 he would let me in his room and he’d play shitty covers of our favorite Our Lady Peace song “bring back the sun” on his electric guitar and I would sing. Our lady peace was the song that played at his funeral. The other day I was driving in traffic in LA and all of a sudden my ipod randomly started playing Our Lady Peace “bring back the sun” and I completely lost it. It was his way of making me finally face the fact that he’s gone. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I got so mad in that moment. Why him? why me? I have quickly realized that without him in my life- it’s like the lights got turned off. So this little ROUGH vocal acoustic demo is tying all of that together…MY take on the title “bring back the sun” I love you brother.”

Sad, that. Very tragic. In feeling, a mirror image of my own thoughts about Cady this weekend.

In fact, looking at it now, the resemblance between our twin grieving processes is… uncanny. It’s kind of scary, TBH.

What I hate is that Kelly’s youtube is still up, a happy, eerie, ghastly reminder of what started all of this. Seeing him and Cady sing together, knowing what happened to them both, is… disconcerting, no matter how beautiful it is.

Right now I can feel the pull of that accursed fentanyl grasping like some mindless zombie at my brain. It needs to be fed. Whether it kills me or not is irrelevant. It needs me, more than I need it, and yet I am powerless against it.

It could kill me; it almost has. I have overdosed before. The times I mentioned earlier, when I said that I couldn’t for my own sake, look out for Cady as well? I had to scrape by and cling to life with the skin of my teeth. The drugs took my sanity, my health, my everything, and nearly left me a dead, used up shell, like… what happened, I guess, to Cady, and Kelly.

Yeah, I HAVE to get out of this, or I will die like she did. I am quite sure of it; very positive. I will die, and it may be ugly, and that is not how I want it to end. This little thing I had with her needs a happy ending; it demands it.

Not sure of what the social consequences would be if I was to die like that, considering that I’m apparently the voice of the generation. I shudder to think.

The impact that Cobain’s death had on the X’ers frankly could not be underestimated. I cannot follow suit; this opioid plague needs to have some light to it; some hope it can be overcome. If I succumb to it as well, that could be a proverbial straw for the back of this nation’s culture. Or at least it would be as far as white people are concerned.

If I cannot get over this thing, if I follow Cady into the nether before my time… I don’t know. Yikes. There could be no hope for us. Like at all. Apparently, amongst my generation, I alone have the power to change the system. My ability to peer into alternate universes makes me a greater force in some ways than any amount of money owned by anyone, or any military power in the world. I can change things; I can make them better.

I need to get my life back on track. Not immediately- I am only human, but definitely steadily. As I said before, that is how I will honor Cady.

Thank again hun. I’ll make you proud.

I just need to get over this thing first.

I’m sure you understand.

Let’s upload and analyze some pics from my Cady Instagram collection.

Just because.

There, 75 pictures.

Now… what do you think, looking at these pictures?

For me, I see… well, love, and good memories. And humor, intelligence, and wisdom. Real wisdom of the kind you only get from having faced and overcome significant challenges. And… a hot chick that is genuinely sexy, as opposed to slutty or desperate. And a charm and compassion that I only see in a few beautiful souls. Souls with depth.

A lot of good here. This was Cady back when we were strongest, back when social media was fun, back when people were better natured and more powerful. Before today. These were collected mostly between 2010 and 2015, which was the height of millennial culture and a time in which the ugly hand of zionist/corporate/communist/boomer censorship had not ruined the good times everyone was having. Before millenials needed to imagine themselves back in the 80’s or 90’s to feel free. Back before the murderous rage of a wounded empire lashed out at a public that dared to speak up, for once.

These were collected back when Cady was happy. Back when I guess she thought her voice had an audience, back when people thought, apparently incorrectly, that this country was good for more than to be Israel’s garbage dump.

Now, I don’t know what the specifics were behind what happened to Cady. But… I’m just saying.

The people have largely abandoned the apparently misnamed “social media” sites of twitter and such. It wasn’t too long ago that twitter was firmly ensconced in the top ten most visited websites. Now it’s… number 43, according to Alexa site rankings. I haven’t heard the phrase “facebook and twitter” in what seems like an eternity.

Twitter today is a cesspool of corporate filth and communist propaganda. It’s a dreadful, putrid circle jerk between the freakish and the soulless that is only disheartening to normals. It sucks. Dorsey ruined his site. He let noxious people- really, the worst people he could find apparently, run amok, and they wrecked the dynamics that made the community work. Now it’s broken, and only the broken themselves and the stupid or greedy find refuge there.

I mean, god, it sucks. And so does instagram, increasingly. The nasty hand of Zuckerberg’s “woke” censorship has almost ruined what is good there, too. Something like the above would never be found there anymore. In the case of insta, the ruination has been slower, perhaps because what was there before Facebook’s purchase of it was so strong. But, over time, the Facebook virus has infected more and more of that site, too.

As much as I treasure what has come before, it is so obvious that it was only the height of something, and not at the start. And yeesh, that sucks.

I can see why Tiktok is so popular. But now, the zionist evil is trying to ruin that, too. They will not let us alone. Not until we’re dead- all of us, by violence or by our own hand, it seems.

And is sucks that nobody cares. That nobody at all has any interest in standing up to Israel, or to the takedown and destruction of American society by the corporations and communists.

Nobody with any influence, anyways.

Being “quarantined” as punishment for being a healthy soul in a sick empire didn’t sit well with her, either. Her last tweets are of her complaining about being locked away. Undeservedly.

The zionist empire has a lot to answer for. It has buried a lot of good people, seemingly because they were good, and healthy. It has buried our best, and left us with… the shit you see running twitter.

Is it any wonder that Americans are turning to Asia now for their music? America today is a country in which Cady Groves can’t get a break, yet repulsive shitheads like Kanye West get awarded with presidential runs.

Thank God I can listen to modern music from countries like Japan and South Korea. And that I can still listen to music from here, from back when it was good. And to artists like Cady, who are not given a chance in today’s industry because they have what it takes to make people happy.

Blah. Yuck.

Fuck this place.

But, I’m just ranting at this point.

Cady: I’m going to honor what we had by being the best version of me that I can be. I’m going to change, for the better. I am going to follow you to where you are, but… not now. I am going to get cleaned up and get off the narcotics. I will not let the lessons you have taught me go to waste, on how to live, and who to try to be.

I will hold you in my heart and not let the memory go. Not for anything.

Thanks. Looking back on what you have given me has opened my eyes today. I will be a better person. I don’t know if I hurt you, but if I did, I will not hurt anyone else who doesn’t deserve it. Or, at least, I will try not to.

Ok, thanks love. Who knows, maybe I can find a way to fix this place in your memory.

Let’s hope so.

Thanks for everything.

I always knew that at some point one of my girlfriends, or ex-girlfriends, would die. I mean, of course. I have hundreds.

I always envisioned it going something like this: me, in my nursing home, learning about the death of… I don’t know, Anne Hathaway, of natural causes- IDK, of cancer, diabetes, whatever, and of me, the unnaturally young-ish wizard, smiling at what we had, wishing her well in the afterlife, and wondering who next would pass on.

Or, in my darkest moments, I imagined killing myself before meeting that eventuality. Not because of fear of it, but of… well, just read the blog. Other stuff. I think I’ve threatened suicide on here more than once, a long time ago, lol.

But this… was not what I had imagined, or wanted. That the first death would be essentially a suicide borne of sadness and dissapointment was not what I had envisioned.

I yeah, there’s that word again. Suicide. I’m back to it. I mean, she knew what she was doing. She saw it and lived through it, twice, with those she knew. She knew what she was doing and where her path would take her, at least subconsciously. This post has no room for platitudes.

Last night, I listened to her new album. Wow, ouch. If she wanted to hurt me, well, good job, Cady. Yeah, that would be the way to do it. I mean, good album, but wow. Suicide can be quite a weapon if wielded well. It wounds deeply and leaves no room to respond. It hurts with no resolution except acceptance of failure, and of the pain of others left behind. It cuts with no possibility of proper healing.

This was not what I wanted. Of all the people I dated, she was the one that needed to “make it”, to overcome her problems, since she was the one that had been wronged the most by the industry. Her failure to find any kind of happiness in life as a “normal” person after flunking out of the celeb life seems almost do be a confirmation of my worst fears. To have tasted that lifestyle and to have just… missed it seems to be the worst outcome.

I don’t want what happened, because I want to believe in the idea that deep down, people can be happy regardless of how famous they are.

But after this… man, I don’t know. My unhappiest girlfriends and exes are all the “normal” ones. The non-celebs, or the barely famous. The Z-listers. The ones who tried and failed.

That is not what I want to see, because I really want to imagine that fame isn’t important. Because if it is… that doesn’t say good things about… anything. If fame is your only real measure of happiness, than the philosophers are all wrong. So, frankly, is everyone, including the celebs themselves.

I reeeeeally wish this wouldn’t have happened.

I wonder if I did things right with her. I probably always will. Maybe… I did, which when I think about it, would be, ironically, the worst case scenario, because that would mean that she truly had no chance. If I did improve her life with my magic, my power, and she still found no hope and still needed to die, then… there truly was no way for her to escape her fate. It was sealed the day her brother died because of his own addictions, first. The part of her that she needed to live died that day as well, along with him. All I did then was delay the inevitable. To give her a brief respite from pain.

And if I did her wrong, that would also be terrible, of course. For other reasons.

I don’t know which is worse.

Sometimes, maybe often, I hate this country. I mean, I really, really hate it. What is has become; what is stands for. What it has done.

That is another essay, though. It’s just… I don’t know what to say to this. Even a day after learning it I just don’t know how to resolve this, or even what to make of it.

Did I… kill her? Maybe it was my own sadness that did it. I mean, reference above, and my own threats of suicide. I mean it couldn’t have helped.

IDK. I guess I could sit here forever, thinking about this.

It’s not hard to hate how this country has ended up. All of our “leaders” are vile, noxious monsters. We have no society to speak of anymore, and few look forward to the future. Many live in fear, sequestered in their homes, terrified of what’s out there, out in the cursed outdoors. And they can’t brave the thought of leaving without being numb to their fear, whether it’s narcotics, like Cady’s dead siblings and me, or concentrated alcohol, like Cady, or… a milion other things. This country is frightening, and ugly. And evil. And its people live without hope.

Except for maybe the celebs. My girlfriends. They seem happy. As a class, they might be the only ones.

The rich, at least, live well. At least, they are not afraid.

I guess that’s the draw.

I don’t know.

Sorry, Cady.

Though I do plan to hold you to your promises one day. You know, all those lyrics.

Count on it.

Hmmmnn… lol. It’s I guess apropos that I just cried my eyes out. Thought about putting this in the below…

“You were an incredible, beautiful, wonderful woman. It’s not for nothing that you were awarded ‘Girl of the Day’ in a bit of-tongue-in-cheek understatement in this very blog. Not famous? Don’t care. Not important to when it comes to someone like you, even to someone like me.”

I like that quote as I think it summarizes so much of our love, so I will put it in here. I… need to make the memory of what we had count, even just for me. But, I’m tired.

Oh man, lol.

Life is a tragedy into itself. Hollywood is unnecessary, considering the lives we live.

Maybe that’s the key to it all.

Perhaps the magic of the silver screen, of song, of dance and image, isn’t that it conjures up drama, but that it hides it. It clouds the real- the real struggle, the real loss, with fairy tale and happy endings and safe and predictable conclusions that free us from the real… the actually dramatic. From life.

Ah… but… that’s not a thought for now.

Goodbye Cady.

I will always remember, and treasure, every little thing. Maybe when I croak I’ll bury myself with a little flash drive containing some not-so-little memories of us and the times we spent together and a sample of what we created together. You know, just the little part that landed online, this blog included. LOL.

But I’m smiling now, though.

One last time…

Bye, Cady.

I just wanted to clarify that I know she didn’t kill herself, I mean not really, alcoholism is a disease, and alcohol poisoning is a condition. So, I know. Don’t jump on me. I mean, I had an epic cry just now and I’m realizing that, so… good.

But… it’s just…

Cady…

Please.

Please…

I’m so sorry.

Cady. I’m so, so…

so…

sorry.

Goodbye. I hope where you are now is a place where you are free from everything that anchored you down to this, this awful unfulfilling world. I hope you have finally found the peace and joy you pretended(?) to have had in those youtube videos so long ago, when we were so strong together. I hope you are happy. I hope you have what you need now, and have forgotten the bad things, if not everything at all, about this place.

I’m so sorry.

Goodbye love. Rest in piece. I will join you one day, and in fact I look forward to it, as I guess we should all do about such an inevitability.

Goodbye Cady.

I love you and always will.

Goodbye.

Cady Groves is dead.

She died of ”complications from chronic ethanol abuse”. In other words… she killed herself. Like her brother and her sister.

This was back in May, although the cause didn’t come out officially until a few weeks ago.

Thank God I didn’t know about any of this back then.

Selfish, yeah, but… wow. God, ouch. Oof. Of all the endings to my… relationships, this one is the worst. By far.

I wrote a few times about Cady, hoping to help us both. I remember wayyyyy back….. then. Like 2014, when she was… my favorite. I LOVED her. LOVED. Sometimes I get like that with my girlfriends. I lose reason, perhaps because I have to. For the sake of her, or me.

Or in some some extreme cases, like the one between Cady and I, for us both.

Look… I knew she was hurting. It was obvious, and it was part of the reason why I was so protective of her. I wrote about celebs mostly, back then. But Cady wasn’t famous, not even close, really, but I still wrote about her. I wanted to help her, to protect her. To assuage her ego. I knew she was disappointed in things, in life, in many ways, and I knew that she was at risk if things didn’t turn out. At the time I knew her family history, and of her siblings’ suicides, and in fact I mentioned all of this in this post, here.

Please read again, if you want. Very bittersweet, that one is. Too much so; it stings.

Ouch.

Oh, Cady.

Why?

I didn’t know it was that bad. I’m sorry, Cady. There, I said it finally. I’m sorry.

Sigh…

We had a complicated relationship. I needed her back then; she was one of my few non-famous girls in the industry. And because of that, she didn’t have the walls of others; there was no glitz coming in-between us. It was very personal, very direct. She tailored her twitter and her insta directly to me, and I responded in kind. I was more honest with her than my other girls, and I lavished attention on her.

I still have my archives of her songs- I leeched her entire soundcloud and youtube channels back then. Hundreds of youtube vids, and I watched every one of them and still have them all; dozens of original songs, and they still hold a place of honor in my “pop” directory. I downloaded her entire instagram, including every caption to every one of her pictures. She put so much effort into making me happy that it touched me. It meant something to me, so much so, much more than perhaps anything given to me by any girl has ever meant to me.

I loved her. A lot. And she loved me. A lot. It was like… we filled each other’s emptiness.

I still have the pages and pages I saved from her twitter feed of the often hilarious and always poignant status updates on our relationship she would give me. She was so… funny. And kind. And BEAUTIFUL. I remember a prank she pulled when she moved to Nashville: she pretended to get engaged- literally out of the blue- and presented it in such a way as to deliberately give me a heart attack. Yikes, I thought. LOL. I mean as time went on it was clear that she was just fucking with me but… wow, lol.

She was GORGEOUS. Tailor made to my tastes. I mean, if you look at her back then, and you know me… you can tell, she was IT for me, especially back then.

We… drifted apart, though. I thought, after so much teasing, maybe… she didn’t need me anymore. And I started thinking maybe she would be happier without me- maybe that prank she pulled was her way of saying, subconsciously, that maybe she had outgrown me. And truth, I kept watching her videos, and she seemed so happy and free in her new house, so happy with her mother and other siblings, and… I got a bit jealous. Here she was, Cady Groves, normal chick, and she was more advanced than I was at the time- in some ways, she was outpacing me, at least as real life is concerned, and she knew it, and didn’t hesitate to rub it in my face, if only teasingly, and as funny and touching as that was I… drifted away, verrrrry slowly.

And so did she.

After awhile she stopped posting so much on instagram, and started, I think, to close up a bit on the real “her” and tried again to make it work again in the music industry. Her pictures became more airbrushed and posed and she started to look artificial, which I thought was not something that suited her so much, but that was her choice… and then… I don’t know. We just went our separate ways. I think, or at least, I did, because I thought I had to, I think.

I don’t know.

The last time I looked at her insta was last year, during a hospital visit. There was nothing there. Nothing new, at least. Nothing happy. I got the distinct vibe that something was very wrong. She seemed defeated, sad. Empty. Contrasting what I found there with the Cady I thought I knew, and her fun, ecstatic, happy self, was jarring. I just left.

At any rate, I was in the hospital. What could I do?

And then… I developed a dependence on prescription painkillers and had problems with them very similar to those that led her siblings to kill themselves. Yikes, yeah, but I would think about her sometimes, with all of that. But something told me to stay away. To avoid her, maybe to protect her, or myself. A nagging feeling, I guess.

So I did. And then she died, apparently by suicide, and looking at her insta now… yeah, I see it. She was sick. Extremely so, and it started to manifest publicly a couple of years after we started to drift apart.

I don’t know.

With all of that said, I just don’t know what to say.

I had her in the back of my mind, always. I just wasn’t sure, I was apprehensive. I don’t know.

I am sorry, Cady.

If there was a chance, I had always kept her as a possibility for me IRL, and in fact, she would be perfect now for me, for where I am.

I’m sorry, Cady. I can see it now in your posts. I know you loved me and I will always always cherish everything we did together and all the memories and everything we created together- every song, every video, every ecstasy, every smile, every laugh.

I want to tell you please, please don’t go. Please don’t do this, to yourself, to others. To me. Please don’t do this to the world, you are better than this.

Cady: I am selfish, maybe. Maybe I should have known earlier but if this was to happen, and it would have hit me when you died, I don’t know, I had and still have the problems your dead siblings had. I needed to not know. Do you understand?

I’m sorry, Cady.

God… I don’t know.

Would you have listened to me? What did you need? Cady? Can you hear me?

Maybe.

But not now.

I’m not interested in crying, not tonight. I will not look at her pictures, or anything. No memories. I don’t want to remember. I don’t want to remember coming home from work every night for a year and logging on as soon as I got home to see what she might have given me on instagram. No, I don’t want to remember that, or the fact that I love her music and take more pride in what we two created than essentially anything else. No, I don’t want to remember that, or even worse, to even consider the idea that I may have let her down. No, I don’t want to think about such things, not now, I have a whole weekend ahead of me to think about things slowly and peacefully, up in my room. I hope.

I just want to remember her beautiful face, and all that it meant to me, once upon a time. That beautiful girl, blowing me bubbles and tossing me kisses in her social media and teasing me because she was oh-so-happy and free and she knew how much I cherished her.

That I want to remember, and nothing else.

Am I selfish?

Cady, am I?

What do you think, love?

Please Cady, don’t go. Please.

I’m sorry, Cady.

I’m so sorry.

I’m thinking now that I should make at least one dairy entry here every week. Because I think I need to. Just to ponder, if nothing else. Like, I’ll pick a topic and explore it, just to give my life some more perspective, and perhaps to reveal things to myself. So… yeah. It seems like a good idea. This week’s topic: Mall walking. Yup.

So- every week, I walk the mall.

Impressive, I know.

But seriously, it’s interesting. As in…. more interesting than I expected it would be.

A few thoughts:

1) The stores are all the same. It’s shocking. I live close to one of the biggest indoor malls out there- by far the biggest mall in the heart of one of the richest areas of the country (Northeastern Illinois), and you would expect there to be some variety in the shops present. There isn’t. At least, there isn’t much.

I swear that half the stores there sell primarily T-shirts, alongside a few trinkets here and there. And the T-shirts are basically all the same across the shops, with occasional small variations. And I do mean small. I swear to god that every freaking store that sells T-shirts these days has a Disney section. It’s like, one store sells a lot of Marvel, and a little Star Wars, and a little “Disney Princess” stuff. Another store will sell a lot of Star Wars, a little Marvel, and a little “Disney Princess” stuff. And the next might focus heavily on the “Disney Princess” stuff, with a little Star Wars and Marvel inventory on the side. It makes me wonder, seriously, why there is even a Disney store in the mall. I mean, what’s the point? Even the jewelry stores have Disney sections! And so do ALL of the gaming ones, for Star Wars games, at least. And ALL of the book and hobbyist stores, as well. And on top of that, we need a Disney store too? I mean, even the freaking Arcade has a Disney section! Not labeled as such, but it’s there. Are there people out there that seriously cannot find enough Disney stuff that they need a store that sells literally nothing but?

I remember back when I was a kid, when I cherished my Disney stuff because of it’s rarity and unique charm. I still have a lot of it, TBH. But now… it’s just so common. Would I care as much about it, were I young?

Probably not.

For my sake, the last few purchases I’ve made there were at the rock and mineral import store (I got some nice handcarved wooden keepsake boxes), and Sears, which is having it’s going out of business sale, right now- which brings me to point two.

2) The economy isn’t as good as they say it is. I know, I’ve talked about that ad naseum here, but it bears repeating, especially since the media and everyone else keeps parroting lines about how great things are. I don’t listen, because they’re wrong, and obviously so.

This is a major sticking point between me and the Trump admin. I dislike very much how he lies about the state of the economy. Things are not going well, like at all, and all it takes to realize this is a cursory glance at retail.

A LOT of shops and restaurants have gone out of business lately, both in the mall and around it. And many others are visibly struggling. And the mall itself seems empty of customers compared to how it was just ten, or even five years ago. And all of this, in the face of a population explosion in the local area. It doesn’t add up.

People are not spending money.

The mall clientèle is part of the problem. Too many illegals, for starters. Way too many, and not enough of anyone else.

But that isn’t the real problem, which is… hard to define.

It’s not Amazon. Or eBay. As I noted, the restaurants are struggling badly in this area, and you can’t get restaurant food online. And as I also noted, the population here keeps growing, so even if people are migrating to online shopping, the population boom should keep the malls healthy regardless.

But… nothing.

IDK. But I strongly suspect the problem is too much immigration.

I’m not sure how the dynamics work here, as this is something I just noted, but it seems as though excessive immigration somehow kills retail. It’s a bit counterintuitive, I know. The logic seems sound: invite people in, especially those with money, and the local shops will get more business. Seems logical, yeah? But, it doesn’t work out like that. It really seems as though immigration, even if it’s of the “rich Chinese immigrant” variety, kills local businesses for some reason.

I’ll need to ponder this some more. Maybe do some googling. Perhaps someone else can find the linkage I’m seeking.

See, I just don’t think it could be anything else. This area has money. Tons of it; it’s one of the richest places in the country, easily. And the mall I walk is the mall in this area. And we have the people. I just cannot think of anything else it could be.

The mall owners are going to undertake a project to refurnish and update the mall, I guess to stave off it’s decline. I don’t think it’s going to work.

And……

3) I’m famous. For real; as in famous famous. Like I’m some kind of B-list celebrity or something. As in, I can’t go to the mall or anywhere else anymore without girls knowingly smiling and winking at me.

I mean… they know.

That’s always been there, at least in the last 5 years. But lately, it’s been veering closer to actual celebrity. I’m recalling now something that happened last week. I was standing in line with my keepsake boxes at the mineral store, when the woman next to me realized who she was standing next to, and totally lost her composure. I mean… she lost it. And I know she knew who I was, because of how she started babbling to me about how cool I was, while reciting some of my memes and such. She put on such a production that she alarmed the cashier, and her shell shocked and embarrassed friend had to practically drag her out of the store.

It was…. interesting.

Very.

She didn’t ask for my autograph or anything, though. I mean, not that she could, because of how she was reacting, but still.

And now that I think about it, the girl at the local Costco seemed to be a fan, too, since she kept trying to impress me with stories that people think (know) that I respond well to.

Yikes.

I’m now thinking about my plans to move to L.A., which is the real heart of my status. What will people do there? IDK. Could be interesting, or not. We’ll have to see.

I’ll bet it will be interesting.

I’ll need to think some more, first.

I was going to continue this, but that’ll be next week. I hear fireworks outside, coming from the local amusement park.

K, bye self

Hmmmn. Well….. wow.

You know, I was just doing some thinking. Like, A LOT of thinking.

God damn, I’m such a slut.

You know, I just reread my last post here, and jeez, I seriously cannot even believe myself at this point.

Truth- I started dating Karlie because I wanted to gain leverage over Taylor, and then I continued it after that was no longer relevant because 1) I needed more leverage over the traditional (supermodel-based) fashion industry, 2) I enjoyed the sheer exhibitionism of it, 3) she was from the Midwest like me, so we had that kinda compatibility thing going, and 4) I needed a tall girl to have sex with because all of my other girls are so much shorter than me. And then- after all of that wasn’t so important, I continued the affair anyways until it’s final days because I wanted leverage over the freaking US President, despite me secretly hating her new family. I just didn’t tell her, that’s all. Because that wasn’t to my advantage.

Gawwwwwd, Tom.

You know, I have pondered here and elsewhere about me possibly being a glorified hooker or escort. And now, looking at relationship with Karlie, it’s… reaaaallly hooker-ish. Backstabbing, catty, and vicious about sex in the way that a stereotypical real- world hooker would do things. TBH, it’s rather shockingly close to the strategies that gold diggers use.

“Rather shockingly close”. Right, Tom.

You know, a long time ago, I used to read online accounts from people who worked in shelters and charities that help reformed streetwalkers, and one thing I remember from those accounts was how consistent they were when describing the personalities of the ex- prostitutes. They all had a similar outlook and set of instinctive practices regarding sex and relationships and such, and, TBH, I saw in myself something similar. Perhaps that’s why I read so much of that stuff; it was a way for me to dissect my own inclinations.

Well….. IDK. I’m not sure I like where this is going, so I’m stopping here.

* sigh…… *

Yeah, I’m finally, finally in the right place now. Finally. It’s been awhile.

I took out a lot of time, maybe too much, to study this stuff. I mean, I’m messing with the space time continuum, or something, and if I learned anything from Star Trek, it’s that you need to be cautious when doing such things. And I have been.

As it turns out, there doesn’t seem to be any harmful effects to doing the stuff I do. So, there’s no reason to worry. I’m just going to cut loose, and let the chips fall where they may.

Good.

And on that note, I really need to simplify my life, so if any of my girlfriends are reading this and you want to leave, by all means, please do so, and the quicker the better. I have too many, regardless. Like a half dozen too many, honestly.

Thank God or whomever that Karlie is officially out the door. No disrepsect to her, we did everything we needed to, but TBH, I’ve been looking for a way to untangle myself from her, and have been moving away from her since about Christmas I think. The issue there is that her association with Trump and his awful family finally started to get to me late last year. I ignored it for awhile, but I just…. can’t, anymore. I really just don’t like him or his family much, and TBH I don’t want much to do with them, like at all, even in my fantasy world.

After Trump was elected, I focused a lot of attention on Karlie because I thought I might need a foot in the door in that administration, but I never used it, since I never warmed up to Trump at all. I haven’t said a kind word to him on Twitter since he was inaugurated, and I would be surprised if I ever do, again.

So yes, her engagement is welcome news, at least to me, and it comes right when I need it the most. Awesome, congrats, Karlie, with whatever you choose to do with your life, IDK and IDC, TBH.

Honestly, good riddance.

Mean of me?

Sure, why not. The whole Trump family… yuck, gross. Nothing good to say about any of them. Slimy, dishonest, and traitorous.

And if anything, I think even less of the Kushners than the Trumps. Not news, I know; I’ve never made my dislike of them a secret, but seriously, the Kushners are probably the most punchable people on Earth. They’re just scum, not worthy of notice. The very definition of unearned privilege. And they’re not even Americans, so what do I care. I blame Trump and his awful, nasty family for involving this entire country in those…. people.

Yuck.

Ick.

You know… the more I think about it, the more I cannot wait to move her stuff onto the external. Just to get the Kushner slime out of my PC.

Ick.

I wish that there was some kind of instruction manual for having superpowers and whatnot. All I have to go on are those old comics from my youth and such, and that often just isn’t enough.

And NOBODY has an instruction manual for being the Anti-Christ, if that is in fact what I really am.

* sigh *….