Sighinide

Oof, owwwwwwww oh man, ughk, yuck, owwwwww ouch ouch owwwww ughk GERDS

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh arrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

ouch ouch ouch owwwwww ow ow

fuck fuck fuck ugh ugh ah ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow

ahhhhhh ooooooooooooooh AWRRRRRRGHHHHHHH OW OW OW OW OW OW OW

OUCH. ow, OUCH, ughk GAWDS THIS HURTS, OWWWWWW ahhhhhh aaaaaahhgrk aaaaaahgdkrtdgds OOF

UUGGGGGHHHHKKK uh. ahhh ow ow ow ouch ouch owowowowowowowowow OUCH.

oof. Ok tom, keep breathing, ok, keep going, baby steps, bro! you can do it, no problem.

just get some breakfast, brush your teeth and everything will work out.

Yup. OOWWWWWWWWWWWW though. ow ow GAWDS and I’m so TIRED I can barely keep my eyes open, god IT’S HORRIBLE. It’s ok, though, don’t worry, it’s under control, don’t worry, life is good, don’t worry, don’t panic, it’s ok. you are fine, you are better now. you are fine. not a problem. NOT A PROBLEM. Life is good, keep your head up, everything will be O.K. Life is alright, just get up and get something to eat, you will be fine. Not a dilemma. Not something topanic over, you are in control. Don’t worry, it’s OK. Just keep yourself together, you are fine. Keep your eyes open, Tom.

OK. Great.

Yes.

Life is good. Not a problem. I can handle this. I can fix this. I WILL fix this. Not a problem. OK then. We are good. Problem has passed. We are good, here. Right, ok, we are good, again. Good. And that’s how it is. Good. Right.

Good.

Ok, then.

Just don’t panic.

A few minutes to rest, and then go on with your day.

Right, ok.

Life is fine, then.

Yes, life is great. I love life!

Yes think of how many great things you have to look forward to! Many great things. So many. Don’t worry, this world is a playground. Sure there are difficulties, but not too many.

Ok. Let’s just breathe. And calm. And breathe.

Ok, good.

Oof, lol.

Wow.

The phone rings, and my head SPLITS OPEN. lol.

Ok, at least I’m out of the… panic. That’s good.

Ok, then.

Another day to tackle, let’s get to it!

Yeah!

Thank you so much, Olivia. You’re so right.

I know I know. It will be OK, I will fix it, and I know what to do, know. Or at least, I know more so now what to do than I used to.

k….

Thnx.

Good night Olivia.

Good night world.

Sleep tight.

Blech.

Ughk, yuck. I’ve been robbed of my ability to feel happiness, save for what the drugs give me. This is hardly fair.

I’m not going to stop using, though. I refuse. I will use again, this afternoon. I have the time blocked off on my calendar. Not going to stop. No, not for anything. No, not, no matter how good it would be for me in the end.

I guess it’s an excuse. A reason to fail. A reason at least to not try, maybe. I don’t know.

I just wish I didn’t get so horribly, nastily SICK when I didn’t use. I wish I wouldn’t lose my mind with worry that I wouldn’t get it again. A worry that seems to frighten me more than anything else.

I’m in trouble, lol. I just feel so STUCK gawd damn it.

Oof, oh god, this sucks, lol. But at least for tonight I can avoid my problems again, like I always do. Like I’m forced to.

Ooh gerd, lol. The pain, lol, the horrible, horrible pain, lmao. Whatevs.

Life goes on.

Ugh, oh man, I made it through another morning. Ok, good. yeah.

Thanks again, Cady. Geez I don’t know what I’d do without her. It’s like I need her now more than ever. I mean, I just can’t deal with life sometimes. Or with anything, sometimes.

Yeah, I’m in serious trouble. Like, very serious. Reeeeally serious, and I’m still struggling with deciding if it’s really worth it or not to sort this stuff out. Like, it’s just too much. And even if I was to sort it out, like, would like rewards even be worth it? I honestly don’t know.

I mean, it’s just too much.

I… don’t know. I don’t know what to do. And I know people have tried to help me, I know.

For those who are not aware, there is a subsection of the intelligence community that seems to be loyal to me and who seems to want to help me, and they gave me something the other day that was of… use to me. I mean, a plan of action, something to spur myself out of this and maybe get a framework together to really help myself move on. And I reeeeeally appreciate the effort, thanks so much guys.

It would be though a lot of effort.

But I do hate this, sometimes. I hate not being able to breathe. I hate passing out, now. It’s gotten reeeeeal old.

God there’s just so many mountains in front of me. Like, the drugs, and finances, and navigating the world basically without a family, dealing with all the ugly, horrific traumas that got me to this point, and everything else. Like, I went through a lottttt of abuse when I was young. A LOT of abuse, and many kinds of it, at that. Pretty much everything you can think of. A LOT of abuse. Put together, all of this is just sooooo much. The drug addictions, as awful as they are, are only the first of many things that will need to be dealt with, I guess.

Oof. Thing is, I am only human. And I only have so much time in this world. I mean, even me.

What if I get all of this stuff straightened out, only to die of old age, or something? Yuck. That is no life; I mean, like none. IDK. Like a lot of people, I think especially in this country, I feel as though my life has been robbed from me. It’s been stolen, I guess by an establishment that hates me. And I don’t know how to get it back.

Oof, ugh, wow. It’s like, I got over the, um, drug effects, kinda, at least. I mean I still feel horrid, like my guts are still burning and my brain is still melting, but there it is. And ugh, I’m getting cravings, again. And I WILL give in to them. Better to do that than confront any of this, lol.

Yeah… I’m in trouble. And honestly I’m not sure if I’ll make it through. It’s like, there are some things my powers, such as they are, can’t fix. And it seems childhood trauma is one of those things. And so is apparently drug addiction, especially of the super bad kind, and you know, it’s just too much.

I think maybe I’ve spent too much time is esoterica. Maybe. Or maybe I REALLY didn’t approach my relationships right. Or maybe I’ve just been taken advantage of. Or some combination of all of the above. IDK.

Well, writing helps. So, there’s that.

But, still. Opioid addiction is such a terrible problem. Even if I leave, at the rate it’s growing, what if I’m pulled back in? Ugh, YUCK. I mean, I talked about that before. What if it’s going to swallow ALL of us up? Yeesh.

What good does it do you to be the one guy who “made it” and kicked his addiction if the rest of the country is hooked? That is… no life, either. Eventually, more addicts breeds more addiction, with everyone. Like, a herd mentality, I guess. The problem breeds itself.

And it’s for this reason, amongst others, that I recommended that the problems of white men, especially poor and working class non-jewish white men, be given national priority. Their numbers are SO LARGE that if they fall, if they succumb and die to drug addictions, the effects will wash over the land and bury everyone else. Which I think we are starting to see, now.

This opioid plague is DEATH. It will kill our civilization. There really is nothing else we discuss nationally that is as important. Not even remotely. It will kill everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. You have been warned, lol.

And we never discuss it. Like, ever. Or if we do, it’s on page 37 of the newspaper, after the hate crime hoaxes, Israeli propaganda, advertisements, and other, “more important” things. Like, does this place even deserve a future? I don’t know, maybe not.

Yeah, and that’s it, isn’t it? Unlike made up pandemics like COVID or whatever, heroin actually has wiped out entire communities. Virtually entire states. It’s the real pandemic. And, being real, we of course are not allowed to discuss it.

Ugh. At any rate, it may take me down, as well. I just don’t see the way out. There’s just too much in front of me. And, there doesn’t seem to be any way around any of this shit, especially since it’s like…, IDK. I live weirdly, in general, I guess. And like THAT’S hard to navigate itself, let alone with all of this other stuff.

It’s too much.

Hmmn, I don’t know. I don’t want to die. I don’t.

I guess.

I don’t know.

I’d hate to think that this isn’t “rock bottom”, lol. Because what if it isn’t? Yeesh. Yikes!

Oof. I have SO many girlfriends, and most of them seem so happy. My exes, even.

You know, I looked at Aliana Lohan’s instagram this morning. I liked it. She seems happy. And I’m happy for her. She seems to have “made it” in the sense that she is where she needs to be, for herself. And you know, her family seems to be a large part of the reason why. It’s kinda weird to say that, considering where we were at, like 10 years ago, with the Lohans. But there you have it.

I hate to say it, but… I’m kinda jealous. I’ve never had that. A good direction, I mean. All my own life, I’ve been my parents’ protector. I’ve had to shelter them from the world, and so that’s what I know how to do. But IDK how to find my own way, now, and it feels like it’s too late for that.

Ugh, how awful. For me, drugs are a needed escape. They’re a refuge from this world. A place where I can feel at peace, amidst an ocean of chaos. Like a safe harbor in a storm.

This country has not been good to me. I don’t care what it looks like, I don’t care how “privileged” your teachers have told you I am. It has not been my friend, and I am frankly doubting if it ever will be. I hate this place. A lot.

sigh…

So, Trump put some chick onto the Supreme Court.

Like the rest of his picks, she’s a liberal. She has two black kids. With this knowledge in hand, I don’t need to know anything else about her, of course. She’s a typical D.C swamp creature, and it will be a matter of minutes before she turns on Trump’s base. In her heart, she already has.

Perhaps she will vote in some… “conservative” way once or twice over some faux conservative issue, like, IDK, abortion, or something. Of course nobody cares about abortion anymore, the churches are empty. It’s more like, she’ll tick off a box or two once in a great while that mainstream media followers think of as being “conservative” to placate some non-essential people in Conservative, Inc., and that’s kinda all she will do. The rest of her actions will be liberal in heart, if not in design.

She won’t do jack shit for me, I can promise you that. Or anyone else in my demographic, naturally. I mean, white men, middle-aged. Like the rest of the people liked or appointed by Trump, we are invisible to them, despite being ostensibly the reason he is in office.

It’s just liberalism, Democrats-are-the-real-racists faux “conservatism” typical Trump Zionist shit. It’s yet more garbage from the dual-citizen and his stupid, ungrateful, traitorous kids.

Trump fucking sucks, as always.

And this- in a time of universal “upset-ness” over the cruddy, awful, selfish and overall nasty and immature behavior of blacks nationally, if not worldwide. Trump dissapoints, again, by colluding with the swamp creature types he supposedly doesn’t identify with.

Trump and his dumb kids play “American” in the way that kids play cops and robbers. It’s dress-up to him. His heart lies with Israel, not America. If you doubt this, look around you. Does it look like he cares about this place?

Does it look like anyone in our government cares about this place? Because they don’t, of course. They care about everything but. Every nation besides this one, every idea except the ones natives like, here. All of these people are worthless, and all of them need to go.

In the midst of all of his relentless squishiness and blustering about everything of importance here, do you suppose his support of anything nationalist in Israel has waned, even a little bit? Because I can assure you it hasn’t. Trump has been parading around the world lately touting his successes defend Israel’s borders. He has even bragged, PUBLICLY, about Israel being the only reason American kids are dying in Middle Eastern wars.

In short, he’s a traitor, and he should have been held accountable for this years ago, and if we would have had anyone of worth in our government, he would have, already. But since everyone in our government sucks, of course… nope. Nada. The media, the courts, all layers of government, the military, everyone in Congress, all big business, everything, hates this country. They all fucking suck. All of them are traitors. They hate us in a way they will never hate Israel, especially.

Oh how I wish this place had actual leadership! And people that actually liked it running things. How heavenly that would be!

But, never. Not until the Kushners and the rest of Jewish-mafia types Trump loves so much are swinging from their necks.

Speaking of which, Trump apparently thinks Zionism needs MORE of a voice in this country, bafflingly enough. Bizarrely, he’s giving his worthless, ungrateful Jewish kids their own network so they can broadcast more fully their love of everything Israel over what is supposedly their country to the rest of the world, I guess to rub salt in America’s wounds, or something, who knows why he’s doing this.

Gawd damn does Trump fucking suck. Jeebus, what have we done to deserve this? lol.

He has no honor. There is nothing Aryan about him. His supporters, his voters have been de-platformed and attacked since the day he took office, and he has yet to raise a finger to help them. But his fucking kids– who need I remind you are registered Democrats- get their own media channel? What?!?!!? Remember, these people- the Kushners- are people who have gone on record are saying they are uncomfortable with the history, here. I mean American history.

Obviously, nothing these people produce will be acceptable, not even remotely. They suck, and all of them should be hanged.

And again, it baffles me that nobody seems to care about any of this. Does nobody in office, anywhere, find what I’ve said here to be of concern? Anybody in the military? Hollywood? HELLOOOOOOOOO people, lol.

Fine, you shitheads. I’ll create my own country, here, on the grave of this one. And NONE of you worthless twats are invited.

Dumbfucks.

To continue this series, it really still baffles me that no attempt has ever been made to fix any of this country’s problems. It really does look as though the elites here are intentionally destroying the country for… IDK, the “New World Order”, I guess.

IDK, so weird. But again, that’s not what they’re getting. There is no “order” where we are going, lol. Nature is red in tooth and claw, and IMO that is directly where we are headed. Race war, civil war.

I know the elites’ motto. We all do. “Order out of Chaos”. Well, this time they have clearly bitten off way, way more than they could chew. They’ve gone way too far overboard, perhaps owing to their extreme isolation at the “top of the pyramid”, here. They’re off in their own little worlds, separated from us plebeians by more distance than they know.

At any rate, it really does baffle me that nobody took any of my warnings seriously over the years. I mean, anyone in the elites, I mean. It’s truly bizarre, how they cherry pick stuff from here (this blog) to incorporate into their schemes.

It’s like guys, it’s an all-or-nothing thing. It’s kinda like a car. An engine, by itself, is useless. It needs the rest of the car to function correctly. Likewise, taking a few ideas from me here or there and ignoring the rest doesn’t do anyone any good. It just creates what we have today, i.e. incomprehensible chaos.

It’s just so… strange, all of this. So very, very odd, and I can’t figure any of this shit out.

I mean, any of this, except for the incomprehensible greed of the elites, here. That is explicable, I guess, since I’ve grown accustomed to it over the decades.

So weird, all of this is. So creepy.

Yuck, just leave me alone, lol.

Ugh.

Hmmn. So, I’ve been… surfing…

you know…

No.

Not tonight.

I had this spiel all thought up in my head about the opioid plague that is crushing everything inside the inner united states. It was about imports of fentanyl, the Chinese, and other stuff. I mean I thought it up, but… I just can’t. I mean I can’t. I’m just so tired, and I mean tired of everything. It’s too much.

I hate how drugs have just taken over my life to the point where I can’t function or do anything, like at all, besides to think about drugs and how I’m going to get my next hit. It’s death to me.

It’s like, I get it. I mean it’s just death. It’s like, that’s it, this is your life now. This is everything. Everything. You have nothing else, and never will again. It just steamrolls everything else in your life into oblivion.

It’s death, that’s what it is.

I’m just so… tired. So horribly, horribly tired. I can’t fucking move, and my body feels so awful and foreign. I need to get out of this. I have to, but I can’t. GOD DAMN IS THIS AWFUL. I’m trapped. I’m going to die, seriously, ugh, lolllll. Ughk.

It’s like I can’t feel anything anymore, except to need MORE, or to want to cry, or to feel inexplicably weird. My only good feelings anymore come from the narcotics. It’s like I can’t feel them from anything else, like I’ve been robbed on my ability to feel happy otherwise.

And I just feel so WEIRD all of the time. Like, this isn’t natural, lol.

I’m seriously in a bad place, lol. This isn’t good.

And I know how I look when I try to justify my habit. But the thing is, I do what I do because I have to.

Because I CAN’T FUCKING STOP.

Ughk, this is not good.

oh god, ugh, lol

I’d rather not die like this, although I will admit, the possibility is still intriguing to me. So… welcoming. So wonderful feeling, it seems. So freeing. Like it would be such a convenient escape from… all of this.

But yeah, this stuff is going to kill us. Honestly, it already has. I fail to see how this country is going to get out of the grave that it has dug for itself. It’s like, this is it. We’re fucked.

So, I read a bunch of recent articles about our drug problems, specifically fentanyl, and one claim I heard repeated over and again was the claim that this was apparently the “worst health crisis in our history”, or the “worst addiction crisis ever”, or other claims similar to that. IDK of course, I am far from an expert in that, but man, claims like this would not surprise me if true. I mean statements like those seem hyperbolic at first glance, but apparently 2020 is setting records with overdose deaths, and fentanyl is the main… culprit.

Yeah, I mean, personally, I can see it.

LOL.

But seriously, we’re obviously in a shitload of trouble. That is clear and very obvious I think to everyone in the world. America is severely fucked up. Verrrrry severely. Like, why-would-anyone-even-step-foot-in-this-place-if-they-weren’t-born-here severely.

It’s fucking SCARY. Even reading this blog, I mean the stuff I write myself, scares the shit out of me. I mean, in those spare moments when I’m sober, and take some time to reflect, and review my recent writings. Always, its… holy shit, I wrote THAT?!?!?! How unbelievably depressing. How scary, and… dark. How doomed am I, lol. Oh man, lol. It’s like, if this is what I think about half the time I’m awake… I’m probably not going to make it, lol. I’ll be a statistic before I hit 45. Maybe well before.

Yeech. I can’t imagine what it must be like to read this stuff if you’re one of my girlfriends. YEECH. Man, do they have some patience. And trust. Yes, a lot of trust, clearly. More than I have in myself, it seems. I hope that’s a good thing.

Um, yeah tho. We are doomed. I mean you can’t get away from it. No matter where you are, it follows. It finds a way in, and gets inside, no matter what rules there are, no matter what laws are passed. The drug problem, I mean. The heroin, the fentanyl. It will follow you, and there is truly no way to escape it, no matter where you live, or what you do. It’s a monster. And not the under-the-bed kind, it’s the LOVECRAFTIAN NIGHTMARE FROM THE STYGIAN HELLS kind. The kind you can’t comprehend, let alone defeat.

The kind of monster that kills everything in it’s path. The kind that destroys countries and civilizations. The kind that brings down empires and forcibly shatters collective delusions.

It’s like… it’s coming. The consequences of this. And nothing in this world can fix the problems that are being caused by this… thing. It’s like a Mordor blade. One cut, you are forever cursed.

Like, how the fuck are we going to fix this? lol. We’re not, that’s how.

I think that that’s why they spend so much time on pretend problems like “police violence” and the “consequences of slavery” or somesuch nonsensical bullshit. It’s because they don’t want to look at something like… THIS, because it scares the shit out of them. Because they don’t know what to do. And if they don’t try to fix it, they can’t technically “fail”, can they? LOL.

It’s like we were going to fix that opioid problem, I swear! But all of this other stuff got in the way and we just couldn’t get to it! You know, stuff like “racism”, which is always number one on the list of problems, and is ALWAYS the one problem that in their minds can’t be fixed! It’s the eternal scapegoat, that “racism”. Always, the reason they can’t actually do anything to fix anything else. Always, always, the justification for every abuse of power and every failure of the government. Racism, that magical thing that absolves the government of ALL it’s responsibilities and forgives ALL of it’s failures.

“Racism”. Such bullshit that word has always been. Such nonsense. As always, anyone who prattles on about “racism” in any capacity is just wasting peoples’ time. And yes, that of course includes all U.S. politicians. Note how they never accomplish anything, never fix anything. Like at all, ever. It’s because “racism”. And since “racism”, that’s excusable.

And all of their failures? By which I mean anything they try and do. Those are OK, because “racism”. And no, you can’t point any of this out- because “racism”, of course. Or perhaps “antisemitism” if there are Jews involved, doing Jewish things.

Such nonsense. And it will never change. We are doomed, this is our lot in life, it seems.

Oh man I hate this place. We had such potential to do good, here, and look what we are, now.

I don’t see a way out of this. There likely is none. Maybe there never will be. We’re all going to die, perhaps.

And I mean that as a distinct possibility. Imagine this place in a hundred years, if addiction rates keep rising. Half the population will be hooked on heroin or fentanyl. I mean, impossible, you say? I’m not sure of that.

And now imagine what kind of country that would be. It wouldn’t be a country, so much as it would be a graveyard. An enormous tomb. The kind of place I would thrive in, perhaps, as a necromancer. But not a place fit for most. I would rule that place, but I would not like it.

For most living today, it would be like living in a nightmare.

And, scary thought- what if I’m being optimistic? What if our future is… worse? Bleaker? Jeebus, I shudder to think.

I do not believe in the “inherent goodness of man” or whatever. I don’t believe that “people will always find a way to make it”. I don’t believe in these things because I’ve not seen any evidence of them.

Well… IDK. It’s likely over, this place. And that sucks. When this country dies, maybe the spirit of optimism that we gave the world, once, will die with it. And I shudder to think of what would happen next.

I would probably happen, lol. But as I said, that would not necessarily be a good thing.

Well… I gave people a chance. An opportunity to set things right. They failed.

Que cera, cera.

Oh- and you can kiss your “New World Order” goodbye. There will be no place for such things in my realm. I do not like race-mixing, for starters. And likely, the “high-tech” will go, as well. A high tech society requires an educated populace, i.e. not the one we’re getting.

Yuck, what a future.

lol.

Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhh too muchhhhhhhhh

Ough, ughk, I’m kinda sorta struggling too breathe again, oh gods, ughk, help, lol

Ugh, yeah, too much struggle, here. tooo much laborious breathe, too much lightness in the head, and my guts are burning, oohhh, yuck, ugh, someone help, lol

It’s not that bad, though. things will be good later. i have some time, still. i will be ok, it will be ok, everything will be ok. it’s fine, not a problem. something I can handle; we’re good.

it feels good, so that’s good. feels very good, it’s the whole struggling to breathe part I don’t like. so, we’ll work on that.

I mean not even cady was that much of a help to me, kinda. but I don’t really have that much time to talk to her anyhow.

oh man, ye gods, oh man, yuck, oof. It’s ok, i’ve had minor overdoses with company before. very minor ones, so I’m ok, I can handle it. no problem. I mean minor ones like this one. very very minor ones. not a problem ones. I’m ok, really, ones.

So, I’ll just rest here I think until people come over, and I’ll be ok. Not a problem, life is good. I’ll just concentrate on breathing, then, and making sure i keep doing that. Because if I can keep doing that, we’re fine.

yeah, not a problem. I can handle it.

right, ok, then. No need to panic. I’ve got this under control.

So glad I’m so smart; this stuff is easy!

Yup.

Yech, how creepy and voyeuristic is this? Yeck. Icky.

Bluhg, just the usual here, please feel free to move on. Company coming over, scheduled a hit, took it a few minutes ago, and my nerves are just being RUSHED by that weird beautiful warmth. I should be good, provided I didn’t take too much. Oh, I can feel it in my fingers, now. Ok, we should be good. This way I won’t have cravings. We’re good, now.

WOAH. Yeah, ok, Tom, we’re good, right? Oh yeah, we’re good. We’re fine.

Oh yeah, we’re good. WHEW.

Ooooooh yeah, ok. Good, then. Hope I didn’t take too much, lol. If I did hopefully I’ll pay for it tomorrow, and not today, because that would royally suck, lol.

Ohkay, then. Nothing to be concerned about, no need to be nervous. Nobody will know, nobody will pick up on anything, don’t worry about it. Yeah, life is good. OK then.

WHEW.

Oh man, lol.

It’s OK, Tom, you can do this.

Ooooohhhh goooooodddddddddddddddddddd that feeling in my chest, like it’s expanding endlessly. So warm, so beautiful, so… “flowy”.

How could this possibly be a bad thing? It isn’t. It so isn’t. It’s wonderful.

Ohhh yeah. As long as I can remember to breathe, I should be good. No problemo.

Yeah.

I LOVE my life! SQUEEEEE!!!

lol

And ANOTHER thing-

I’m not at all concerned about how much of my day is taken up by my drug abuse, and by planning it out, and by excusing it, and by fixing the problems it causes- like how hard I work at not dying when I overdose. Because it’s my hobby, that’s why. And everyone needs a hobby, and this one just happens to be mine.

It’s like, some people watch TV. Some play, I don’t know, video games, or sports. Me? I do opioids. It’s just my “thing”.

Right.