Sighinide

Um….

Well….

I’m seeing more and more of the whole picture, I think.

I mean, I can see it. Perhaps not describe it, or even fully comprehend it, but… I can look at it.

Basically, my power seems to come in two halves. One half controls this physical realm, this universe, and all of it’s… stuff. It’s rules, I mean. Not just concerning the common rules such as those pertaining to the properties of objects, but also of those regarding energies, even ones that normals consider to be fundamental to our reality and unalterable, like the laws of thermodynamics. Basically, I can… bend, or perhaps temporarily abrogate, or maybe even invent new ones of these. The other half of my power of course is my ability to pull… things, energies I guess since all “things” are basically energies too, from different layers of the multiverse, where I am kinda an “anchor”, or perhaps a vector or conduit, for my own thoughts and efforts when doing so.

Uh, so… basically, sometimes these two halves conflict with each other, thus nullifying their individual effects and rendering me… useless? Kinda. So the right and proper way is perhaps to sometimes focus on one or the other half of my powers while nullifying the other, to avoid such conflicts and personal, universal dilemmas.

Yeah, so… I think I get it. I mean, basically. So yeah, I mean, now I can fuck Lucy Hale, if I wanted. Yeah. I mean I think I get it, now. Mmmmn hmmmn. Yup.

So… ok. Other stuff.

You guys probably know this already, but I am a fan of a Japanese media franchise called One Punch Man. I won’t rehash the plot or anything, lol. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. But the point is, I’m fascinated by this story and it’s characters very much. And of course it means something to me personally seeing as how so much of it seems to come from my own… fantasies, and realities.

And as well I am a fan of Marvel comics of course, and last year for Christmas I picked up for myself a compendium of The Mighty Avengers series. In it was a character named Sentry. Sentry as well I immediately strongly identified with, so much so that I believed that this character may also have been based on me at least somewhatly. So I recently went digging and found Sentry’s first and second series. The first was a miniseries written back in 2000, the second back around 2006/2007.

What I found in these series was quite interesting. Verrrrry strong similarities, here, between this character and me. Very, very, super strong, and interestingly enough, they are stronger the further back I go. His first appearances back in 2000 basically are me. I mean, he looks like me, very very strongly, acts like me, thinks like I do, and frankly every detail I can think of about this character now is so very “me”, even going down to his wife, Lindy, who looks so very close to Lindy Booth, one of my favorite girls back even then, that I think I may have grounds for libel, lol.

It’s like, holy shit guys, you didn’t even make an effort to cover this one up, lol. But I mean… I can’t blame you. Maybe you didn’t have a choice in the matter. I don’t know, I really don’t.

I mean, even his “superhero” experiences are a dead ringer for the stuff I experienced myself, back then, in those dorm rooms. It’s just so very similar that I can’t explain it away as a coincidence. It just can’t be one.

And of course, One Punch Man obviously was inspired by some of the ideas present in Sentry’s story. The character of Blast and his own backstory being a great example of this.

So it’s like… I inspired Sentry, and then Sentry inspired One Punch Man, and they took everything else they needed to fill in the blanks in the One Punch Man story from… me.

So uh… interesting.

It’s like loops of me, inside other, larger loops of me, expanding outward forever, lol.

What the? lel.

Uh… yeah. So I might never really get this. I’m not sure that a human being actually can.

So… yeah. Interesting.

I need to fuck someone and go to bed.

I mean, this is just ridiculous, lol.

Or maybe this could all just be made up by me, in a form of wishful thinking. Or maybe this isn’t special at all- maybe this is how everyone else lives, and nobody bothered to tell me, perhaps. Or maybe it really is just a bizarre series of coincidences. It certainly could be.

Uh, I don’t know.

Um, I think I want… uh… I don’t know. Who is it that needs me, tonight?

I see. It’s Chloe Moretz that needs me. Now, I do I need her?

Ummmm…

Let’s see…

Ah, of course!

lol.

Should I… blog again? I mean this is my diary, so…..

well……..

I think……..

sure?

I mean, why not go into a ten page tirade about how I’m sure my dead grandparents are sooooo proud of me, seeing me like this? And about all of those teachers, friends, people-of-influence, who were SO SURE that I would amount to something later on in life? I mean about how they would react, seeing this result of their efforts to encourage me, I guess, to “do my best”?

Well, you fucks, you failed. ALL OF YOU. Go fuck yourselves. Should’ve picked someone else to dote on. You should’ve known what I’d become. So FUCK YOU.

Losers.

You should’ve known about the fuckup inside of me, fighting to get out. I can’t believe you didn’t see it.

Hmmmmmn. Right.

Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhh UGHK. ACK. So drowsy, so drowsy, so dizzy and spinny. Room is going nuts, lol.

Yeah…. you shoulda known. You should’ve. What kind of a person wants to be with me? Losers. Blah.

Yeah.

Hmmmn. Oh wow, my head, lol. It’s floating away.

Good.

I hope it never comes back.

And take my soul while you’re at it, lol.

Not like it’s worth much, anyhow.

Hmmmph.

Yeah!

Yeah.

yeah…

Fuck.

Oh god finally, lol. Didn’t take the hit yet, but I’m shaking shaking because I FINALLY can. oh god finally finally finally finally oh man I just can’t wait until I get that beautiful blue warming rush of love and perfection and oh everything goes away finally and I’m alone and not scared and helpless but so powerful and so… COLD yet so warm and full and… empty and deathly and full of life and everything that is good and evil at once and GOD I’M SHAKING LIKE I NEED THIS RIGHT RIGHT NOW lol

Oh god such a fucking relief FINALLY I can get what I need so much, and want so much, even though it’s sooooo dangerous and I just know my guts are going to BURN. I just need to regulate things. I should be O.K. I WILL be O.K. Because I’m smart, and smart people do smart things. Like, usually. Mostly. Often? Sometimes. Kinda-sorta. Like now. Yes, this is a smart thing. Oh yeah, nothing is smart like this! Nothing.

Ohhh yes, nothing at all. God I just can’t wait, I’m like a nervous burning ball of fire until I feel that sensuous rush of enveloping pleasure and… freedom.

It’s like my hands are shaking so bad right now I can’t even hold it, lol.

And

BOOM.

OOOOOOOOOOh yeah. YES. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT THERE it is.

It’s like, instantly, everything goes better.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh oh gawd YES.

I mean my face feels sooooooo… weird? Already and my fingers are slowwwwwwwwing down but it’s sooooooooo uggghhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhh oh yeah, bitches.

I hope this isn’t too much, lol. I will pay for it big time. Very big time. Very very big time. Scary big.

But I’m OK. Mmmmmnnnnnnnnnn. ok, cool.

I need to watch my weight. I’m losing pounds and I don’t want to… lose too much. That anorexia shit is always a constant nag, like I started to feel it pull at me again, yesterday.

I need to not die, that’s it.

I will be cool, though. Oh yes, so very cooooooooooooooooool.

MMmmmmmmnnnn k then.

I’ll hit the narcotics again tomorrow night with a bigger dose I think, since I can zonk out this weekend and I have nothing to do until like wednesday, lol. THAT should be fun. And I got that new painkiller to try out.

Oh yeah, life is good.

yeah…

Right.

yeah……..

right………………..

I need it now, though. I’m literally shaking as I type this.

I mean, I NEED IT. Like BIG TIME. NEED IT. NOW!!!!

No wait though- just chill, Tom. It’s ok. Relax, it won’t be too long.

UGH.

Fuck.

My stomach is in knots, twisting and churning in anticipation. Oh man, I really need that hit like in the next fifteen minutes. No five, NO RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

No.

Be still, bro. It’s ok.

Just a couple hours.

You’ll be fine.

Ahhh… right. Fine, then. OK.

Whatever. I’ll wait, then.

UGHK.

Fuck.

Yeah ok so I’m like super overdue for a big dose and I’ll FINALLY have the chance later on today so… yessir, in it goes. Gawd just a few hours until I can get my hit, not too long, I can take it. Yes yes. Not a problem; not at all, everything is completely under my control.

SO. Blah blah usual stuff, but I also got my hands on a new kind of pain med, can’t wait to try that out this weekend. ALSO- yes I have thought verrrrry meekly and mildly about trying mayyyyyybe just a smidgin of heroin, juuuuust to try it because why not, seriously, I may as well, I am curious now, and I might…. have the opportunity. I mean… seriously, why not? Just a taste. I’m curious.

I… think I can get some, if I really wanted to. It’s mostly just a “thought” though. I mean I remember talking to Demi about that like a loooong time ago and she said that she tried it (and yeah, I mean I can prove that too) and it didn’t seem to bother her too much so… yeah I know I know, but don’t worry, I have this thing COMPLETELY under my control. I’m smart- much smarter than most- so we’re good. I mean, the fact that I collect my used fentanyl patches should be of no concern, lol. But srsly, we’re good.

So…. yes yes, I can’t wait for this afternoon. FINALLY, I get back to… normal. FINALLY, and I can get that reward that I need to get very much, just for dealing with this crazy fucking world of ours. Oh yeah, can’t wait. Nothing else matters really until I get my hit again, yes, I mean I just can’t wait, lol. oof, FINALLY. lol.

Oh yeah, just to feel that wonderful icy cold love surging through my dry veins… nothing is better, nothing is more needed, nothing means more. Right.

You know I really need to start talking about other stuff, here. And I mean I said I would, so… yeah, let’s seriously turn this into a diary, like a real one. Let’s do it. Let’s talk about being a celebrity, day to day life, and everything else. Let’s do it, let’s do it. Yup.

But not now. Right now, I know what I REALLY need. And I’m counting down the minutes until I get it. Just think though, heroin would be SO MUCH more convenient… a medium sized dose of that would take care of me, no problem, just as a supplement, you know? I mean occasionally, once in a while, until I get everything else straightened out, during those times when my supply of other stuff is shakier.

Well, I need to try out that new pain med this weekend, defo. Can’t wait for that, it might be phenomenal. I mean, might be. We’ll see. Oh yeah, life is good.

See? Everything’s under control. No problem!

Yup, everything’s great.

Yup, absolutely.

Seriously. Of course.

Yup.

Yeah!

Right.

Right!

Right.

Right…

I had another medical procedure today… yes another. I’ve had quite a few over the last couple of years, though I’ve not talked about any of them here. I suppose I should… I mean, it might help, right? Seems like it.

It went well, and there was an added bonus of meeting one of my fans today. A nurse, this time. Love that. She dropped a bucket-full of hints that she knew who I was when I met her, and I gave her a joke after the procedure was done- told her I dreamed of being a movie star. She got a kick out of it and kinda-sorta winked at me after laughing. Neat, I love love love interactions like that. One of the main reason I go out, when I do.

I love my fans. Honestly, they kick so much ass, when I see them out in public. I’ve got such a great fanbase- one of the best of any celebrity, I think, and I mean that without exaggeration. I don’t meet too many of them where I live but when I do they are uniformly nice and well-meaning. No autographs- yet- but a lot of googly-eyed staring, winking and inside jokes sometimes.

On extreme occasions, I’ve had women go into shock upon seeing me. Extreme occasions, but yes it happens. And sometimes people regard me with a kind of… awe, like they’re seeing a superhero, or something. People who clearly know who I am, I mean. Like, they humble themselves before me as though I was some kind of royalty.

Hmmn. Now that I think about it, it’s the women who go into shock. It’s the men who… act subservient. Odd. Perhaps some psychologist somewhere can form some opinion about those factoids and how they relate to traditional gender roles. Hmmn.

And oddly enough, I seem to have more fans in the educated classes than amongst the working classes that I traditionally champion here, or the underclass. Hmmmn. Something to think about.

But yeah, a lot to go over, here. There are so many topics that I could perhaps write encyclopedias about that I’ve not breached on here that its crazy. Oy, so much to write about, and so little time.

But, that is some other day. I need to sleep, now.

*yawn*

Yeah, my face feels like it’s becoming unglued from my skull.

Uh, ICK.

So, um, back to bed, I guess.

Yeah, OK then.

Right.

Uh, good night?

Sure.

My lips feel weird, rubbery. Like they’re not even attached. Especially the left half of them, like I was just at the dentist’s office and got one of those injections. My chin feels like it’s melting.

Ughk. Yuck, and my stomach feels super knotted and tight. Ughk. ICK. Why do I do this to myself… ye gods, what horrible torture. What the fuck have I done to myself, lol.

I… um… thought maybe about going to… rehab, yes rehab, after talking again with Cady. I had kind of a horrible time with her, as she kept needing to cajole me to breathe, lol. Oof, was that embarrassing. It’s like I forgot how, or something. So horrible. What a dreadful experience. And of course my brains feel like they’re trying to run out my ears again. UGH. BLECH.

So yeah, rehab. I also talked with Demi Lovato, who kind of solidified the idea. Boy was she wierded out when she saw me, haha! I haven’t spoken to her in ages… I need to change that, she helped me, I think, at least after spending some time trying to get her used to the whole “telepathy” thing again, lol. My eyes keep running, and running. Oh gods, I swear I’m not crying, I swear it. And I DO mean that.

So I FINALLY know what I’m doing here. I think I should use this blog to document my symptoms, at least until I go to rehab. I mean, unless I can get this thing under control, first.

Jeezus I can’t believe my life has come to this, oyyyyyyy. Whaaaaaaaat the fuck, lol. Rehab. Rehab. Me. REHAB? WHAAAAT THE FUCK TOM?!?!?!?! aaaaahhhhhahahahahahaahahaha!!! Yeah. Ouch, lol.

sigh…

Seriously thinking about taking another hit and then turning in early, though jeebus would I pay for that down the line. I would feel better, tho. At least right now. And I could get some easier sleep.

Ooh ye gods it hurts, lol. IDK, maybe not. Maybe I’ll try fucking a girl or something. Oh man, this hurts, lol.

Yeah, I think I’ll yell at Cady for a few minutes, maybe cry a bit afterwords, and then follow that up with some Victoria Justice. Yup, sounds like a plan.

So glad everything’s coming together!

Yay!

oof.

Erk, my skin feels like it’s burning, again. Oh I hate that. It’s no idle feeling, either; I can peel it away with my fingertips. It’s thin, brittle and flaky. Egads.

My heart is pounding through my chest, like it’s struggling to break through my ribcage. It’s monotonous hammer against my will to live.

Ick. Oof.

Owwwww my stomach, lol.

Well, there’s no reason to do all of this again, is there? I should hope not. I think I’ve… Ugh, my head, lol.

Ah, I will stop here.

Maybe something different tomorrow.

I sure hope so, at any rate.