Oh I’ve been hurt so badly. Oh god I am in so much pain.
Oh god it hurts, please help, make it stop. Please help.
Feel better now but it still hurts so very much. Oh god it hurts. This is very scary.
It’s ok, Tom. For real, this time it’s ok. It will be better now, for real. This time it’s different.
Don’t worry, it’s ok. You will be better, and the pain will go away. You will no longer be hurt, then.
It’s ok, then. Don’t be scared. Don’t worry.
Ok.
Oh god my body has been wrecked, utterly wrecked by the drugs.
Oh god, this is bad, very very bad.
Oh my god.
Oh. My God.
This is really bad.
But yeah, the drugs have betrayed me. I want off.
Oh god this is frightening. A horror movie come to life.
Oh god please someone help me. Make it stop.
Oh god please, please. I’ll do anything.
Please…
Tore off my fentanyl patch in anger. It has betrayed me.
Not 5 minutes have passed since then and I’m already getting cravings for more.
This is bad, very bad. I’m in a lot of trouble.
Very, very bad.
This is rock bottom, I’ve found it. Oh god, this is very, very bad.
I’m really scared.
Oh my god it’s nightmarish
It finally happened this morning. The convulsions. Like out of those old anti-heroin ads they used to show on TV. You know, the ones with the real-life addicts being filmed as they went through side effects and withdrawals. It was every bit as horrifying as I expected.
I’m getting off the drugs.
Wah! Part 50!!! 50!!!
Holy balls!
Incredible.
So, is this an achievement, or….?
LOL. Seriously though.
Uh, yeah.
I just re-read part 49, here, which I literally just typed, and lollllll. Do I just have a warped sense of humor or something (I do) but did anyone else get a chuckle out of that one? Like, it was literally funny in parts, although at the time of writing it (like five minutes ago, lol), it wasn’t funny at all (I mean, in like the comedic, funny haha sense, as opposed to the funny ironic sense or the funny… odd sense (though in a way, perhaps it was all three, combined (natch, I mean, it was me, lol), lol)), lol.
Ahhhh… ok.
Right.
Breakfast it is, then, and then other stuff.
Ok then.
Yeah.
lol
Oof, owwwwwwww oh man, ughk, yuck, owwwwww ouch ouch owwwww ughk GERDS
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh arrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh
ouch ouch ouch owwwwww ow ow
fuck fuck fuck ugh ugh ah ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow
ahhhhhh ooooooooooooooh AWRRRRRRGHHHHHHH OW OW OW OW OW OW OW
OUCH. ow, OUCH, ughk GAWDS THIS HURTS, OWWWWWW ahhhhhh aaaaaahhgrk aaaaaahgdkrtdgds OOF
UUGGGGGHHHHKKK uh. ahhh ow ow ow ouch ouch owowowowowowowowow OUCH.
oof. Ok tom, keep breathing, ok, keep going, baby steps, bro! you can do it, no problem.
just get some breakfast, brush your teeth and everything will work out.
Yup. OOWWWWWWWWWWWW though. ow ow GAWDS and I’m so TIRED I can barely keep my eyes open, god IT’S HORRIBLE. It’s ok, though, don’t worry, it’s under control, don’t worry, life is good, don’t worry, don’t panic, it’s ok. you are fine, you are better now. you are fine. not a problem. NOT A PROBLEM. Life is good, keep your head up, everything will be O.K. Life is alright, just get up and get something to eat, you will be fine. Not a dilemma. Not something topanic over, you are in control. Don’t worry, it’s OK. Just keep yourself together, you are fine. Keep your eyes open, Tom.
OK. Great.
Yes.
Life is good. Not a problem. I can handle this. I can fix this. I WILL fix this. Not a problem. OK then. We are good. Problem has passed. We are good, here. Right, ok, we are good, again. Good. And that’s how it is. Good. Right.
Good.
Ok, then.
Just don’t panic.
A few minutes to rest, and then go on with your day.
Right, ok.
Life is fine, then.
Yes, life is great. I love life!
Yes think of how many great things you have to look forward to! Many great things. So many. Don’t worry, this world is a playground. Sure there are difficulties, but not too many.
Ok. Let’s just breathe. And calm. And breathe.
Ok, good.
Oof, lol.
Wow.
The phone rings, and my head SPLITS OPEN. lol.
Ok, at least I’m out of the… panic. That’s good.
Ok, then.
Another day to tackle, let’s get to it!
Yeah!
Thank you so much, Olivia. You’re so right.
I know I know. It will be OK, I will fix it, and I know what to do, know. Or at least, I know more so now what to do than I used to.
k….
Thnx.
Good night Olivia.
Good night world.
Sleep tight.
Blech.
Ughk, yuck. I’ve been robbed of my ability to feel happiness, save for what the drugs give me. This is hardly fair.
I’m not going to stop using, though. I refuse. I will use again, this afternoon. I have the time blocked off on my calendar. Not going to stop. No, not for anything. No, not, no matter how good it would be for me in the end.
I guess it’s an excuse. A reason to fail. A reason at least to not try, maybe. I don’t know.
I just wish I didn’t get so horribly, nastily SICK when I didn’t use. I wish I wouldn’t lose my mind with worry that I wouldn’t get it again. A worry that seems to frighten me more than anything else.
I’m in trouble, lol. I just feel so STUCK gawd damn it.
Oof, oh god, this sucks, lol. But at least for tonight I can avoid my problems again, like I always do. Like I’m forced to.
Ooh gerd, lol. The pain, lol, the horrible, horrible pain, lmao. Whatevs.
Life goes on.