Tears are streaming down my face. It’s so horrible, so horrible.
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
Nothing is worse. Nothing is worse. NOTHING IS WORSE.
Need to get off the drugs! Have to get off the drugs! Need to! Have to!
AAAAAAAAAUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKKKKKKKKK
SO BAD, I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!
OOOOOHHHHHHHH GAWD, SO BAD, SO BAD!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKK
SO BAD SO BAD
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh
Oh God, I can’t stop shaking.
Oh god, how horrible, how AWFUL. I HATE this.
It’s so bad, so awful, so noxious, so brutal and ugly.
I HATE this. I HATE it. I HATE it SO MUCH.
Oh gawd, someone kill me, please. Please someone just kill me, get me out of here.
Oh god this is HORRIBLE. So bad, so bad.
Thought about simply blowing my brains out this morning but no, that wasn’t going to work I guess. Decided against it. Maybe I should’ve.
Oh gawd this is dreadful, so bad. I want to get OUT of here.
And no, I haven’t used since yesterday. And that is the problem, lol.
Oh gawd, I HAVE to get OUT of this. Have to!
Oh gawd, so AWFUL.
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Oh God, my throat burns. And this time it isn’t from the narcotics. I think I’m going to cry again, like I was afraid I would.
Oh man, this is what I was hoping to prevent with the drugs.
Ohhh but I need to. I need to do it, to get this out. I have to.
If there was anything I learned from Cady, it was the need to just let it out.
So… oh, man, here goes.
Wish me luck, world.
So I’m listening to Cady’s extraordinary cover of Our Lady Peace’s Bring Back the Sun.
MUUUUUCH better than the original, BTW.
But seriously, Cady saved my life.
I won’t let my memory of her die. I can’t. Then, she would die. For real, forever. Her last tie with this world would be gone. All that would remain is… the blank, empty memories of those who knew her in person. And however poignant those may be, they can’t breathe life into their memories in the way that I can with mine.
She dies without me.
If I die, so does Cady, then.
We die together. Our fates are inexorably intertwined.
It’s… good, that this is the way it is.
I can help her while I live.
So I MUST live.
I can’t let the things we went through die. I can’t let them mean nothing; I can’t just let them pass from the world. That wouldn’t be right. It would be unfair, just like everything else in this world is. I can’t let that happen.
I remember now much more of my time with her, and the nights we spent together after her brother died. Nights that I’m sure now became the basis for Crying Game. I mean, I can’t let her die. So I need to live.
It sucks, what happened to her brother. He died of… prescription narcotics abuse. Something I swear that back than I would NEVER die of upon hearing the news.
Yeah, seriously. It’s like I’m remembering for some reason. Like I’m unlocking long-forgotten memories now that I’m focusing on her again. Kind of like… they weren’t really forgotten at all. Like they were just hiding, for when I needed them. For now.
It’s pretty crazy.
But with that being said, how ironic and… tragic would it be if I actually did die of the same thing? That same thing I promised her would never take me from this world. From… her.
Oof, would that be just dreadful. Truly. It would be awful.
I can’t go out like that, I just can’t.
No way, that would be so terrible. I mean I can’t let that happen!
So, Cady. You actually did end up saving a life, then. Just not the one you intended to. It was me, Cady. Not him. I was the one you needed to save. The one you could save.
It was me.
All of what you went through wasn’t in vain.
You saved me, Cady. Even if it took your own life to do it.
Thanks… words can’t express how thankful I am that you did what you did. I won’t let you die, Cady.
I won’t. Not now, not ever.
Thank you again, so much, from the bottom of my heart.
I will live.
Thanks.
So, I see that Blake Shelton is getting married now. To Gwen Stefani, it seems. I noticed the news yesterday while surfing through the day’s celebrity news.
Wasn’t he the douchebag that ruined Cady’s career?
Seriously, fuck that guy. And fuck Gwen, too. That she should like such a guy after what he did to Cady speaks volumes about her as a person, too.
I mean I liked Spiderwebs as much as the next guy back in the 90’s, but Jeebus, honey.
Yeah, honestly, fuck her. No more No Doubt for me when I go through my fits of teenage nostalgia.
Honestly, that bitch whore and her rotten husband can go fuck themselves. They stole Cady’s album from me, gawd damn it. Fuck those cunts. They stole CADY from me, too, in a way. Fuck them. Assholes. Losers. Overrated fools. They couldn’t find and nurture real talent if it was right in front of their faces. Which it literally WAS.
Cady was too good them, anyways. I mean, she had ME.
I also noticed that Mr. I Only Hang out with Real Celebs didn’t bother to even mention anything about her passing, even tangentially, on twitter. I mean, at least Chase Ryan did that.
Seriously, fuck that guy.
Whatever. Cady still has ME. She didn’t need those losers, anyways. And I’ll always be at her side. Even in death, she’ll have a friend, here. I wonder if Blake will be able to say that he croaks. And that old, wrinkled, washed up third rate Tank Girl ripoff he calls a fiance.
Fuck them both. I hope they fail as a couple and then rot in hell after they die. In fact I’ll be sure to put in a word or two with Satan when that guy kicks the bucket, pull a few strings to make sure that that’s where he ends up. Because fuck him, that’s why.
And if there’s one thing I don’t do in this world, it’s forget. So bro- seriously- and I KNOW you’re reading this- fuck you. For real. You are a loser who is responsiable, in your own way, for much pain and suffering.
So there!
And TBH, I have been thinking of cursing that guy and his marriage. But I won’t. Why? Because they have kids, and I don’t want it to rub off on them. Because I’m at heart a fundamentally a good person. You know, unlike SOME people.
So there!
Fuckers.
Cady hun, let’s listen to some music together.
No, not Blake’s. Or Gwen’s. I mean, some good music. YOURS.
Hrrumph!
I… don’t want to face the world without drugs. I don’t want to, I can’t, this world fucking sucks.
I don’t want to feel anything. I can’t let myself get exposed to this world, I can’t, real life is the most horrible of poisons.
I don’t want to live in this… place. I hate it here. I hate it, so profoundly, mostly because I know it hates me.
I don’t want to be clean. I don’t want to be sober, but I CAN’T GO BACK to what I was, earlier today. That is a fate worse than death.
But I can’t deal here, either. I’m stuck. I hate this. This world fucking sucks, this country fucking sucks, my town sucks, my state sucks, my religion (Christianity) sucks, my job sucks, everything sucks. That it may be a cliche does not make it less profound. That it may resemble a tantrum to say it does not make it less true.
Truth, I still want to die. I’d almost rather do anything than live here.
At least with the drugs I have an excuse to not leave the room, lol.
Oh, I don’t know.
I CAN’T go back. Not to there. I can’t. It’s death, of the most horrible kind. A death of pain, and humiliation. And shame, and loneliness. Everything so awful. There is no honor in that kind of death, as much as there can be honor in any way of dying young.
I suppose dying for your race may have honor in it. Not much else would, I believe.
Certainly dying for someone else’s race wouldn’t, lol. Especially if that race openly hates you.
No military for me, lol.
But I digress, I can’t live like that, again. That pain was just wayyyy too much.
Oof, I need to do a lot of thinking here.
A lot.
The truth is still that I’m scared. Like, very, very much so. TBH, I’m kinda scared that if the drugs stop, that I may have no choice but to face the reality that I dread so much, and everything that I am and have done and need to do will come flooding in, and I can’t stop it, and it will be TOO MUCH to handle.
And I’m scared that if I start crying, that I may never stop.
Oh gawd, so horrible. So hard, this life is. It’s criminally difficult. It’s too much to handle; it’s overwhelming and wayyy too complex. It’s ugly and stressful, and there appears no way to make any of these challenges easier.
I’ve tried therapy. Seen about a half dozen therapists of the years. None of them have helped.
I’m afraid that I may be doomed to a life of disappointment even if I do get clean, and I don’t want to face that, like at all.
I hope I don’t regret getting clean. Oh God, I hope I don’t regret it. I don’t know what I’ll do if I do.
Well, I’m back to listening to sad music tonight.
Okay, at least some things never change.
sigh.
Wowwwww that is some pain. Wow, unreal. Holy shit.
So, uh, it’s kinda past, but jeebus, that was something I will NEVER forget. Alright, it’s over. I can’t go through THAT again. It’s like, it just reduced me to a quivering pile of mush, lol.
Gawd, I was literally pleading for my life at the end there. Like, begging. I can’t believe it.
Wow, holy shit.
So- yeah, that stuff broke me. It won, I guess. I lost.
Uh, yeah. Whatever… I suppose…
No, that isn’t right. I can’t forget what I went through, there, and I won’t. Changes are coming. I want to live.
So I guess that was my “rock bottom”, huh? Seems like it.
Alright, OK. I know my limits. It’s over, all of this indiscriminate drug taking. I mean, if I need it, fine. But no way will I ever feel that kind of pain, again. No way, no chance. It’s over, done.
Wow. Ok. Wow, again.
It’s over, done.
Alright, good.
Yikes.
It will be different. It will be.
I mean it. I won’t make it to Christmas if I don’t change.
It will be OK. I will change.
I will not die. I will not hurt, and I will not die. I promise myself this.
I will get OFF THE DRUGS.
Now, and forever.
That’s IT.
Yeah, it’s done. That’s it.
I am resolved. I just need to get out of this trauma, first. And than it will be over.
I will have withdrawals. Those I can deal with, though. They are nothing like this. It’s OK, I will be OK.
Not a problem, I can deal with it. Right.
Who’s not dysfunctional? Me, that’s who. Yes me. And I WILL make it through this, one way or another, and I will make it through ALIVE.
See?
Not a problem.
Yeah!
And this time, I mean that unironically.
Ow, oh god, why me? Why have I done this? Why oh why?
Do I hate myself this much? Why Tom why? Why did you do it?
I must hate myself more than anyone in the world hates me, to have done this to myself. Why did I do it? Why oh why?
ohgawd it just HURTS. SO MUCH.
IT FUCKING HURTS.
OOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
GAWD DAMN IT IT HURTS.
But now it’s over. This will never happen again. Never ever. I can’t live like this. Nobody can. Oh please, just get me out of this and I swear I will change. I swear it will be better for me. I swear I can live again. I swear it, oh please, just let me out of this, one more time, and it will be different.
Oh god, it WILL be different. No more jokes, I will change, I swear it. I just don’t want to feel like that again. Please, just one more chance is all I ask. Oh god, it’s so SCARY.
Yeah that’s it, I’m going to get off. No more jokes, I need to do it. I can’t live like this. It’s getting worse, each time. And it takes so long to feel good, now. This is a pit, an endless pit, with death at the end. I see that now.
I need to get OFF. I must, I must.
Oh please, just let me get through this. I swear I’ll change.
ohhhhhhhhhh….
Oh god is hurts. Oh god it hurts, it hurts so much, god it just brutally hurts. It hurts everything, mind, body, soul. I want off, I need off, I need to fix myself, I need to stop hurting, I can’t do this to me, I need this to be fixed, I need to help myself, I need to help me, ow oh god it hurts, it hurts SO BADLY, it hurts so much, it’s such pain, ow oh god no, what trauma, what horrible trauma.
But it will be OK. This time it’s different. NO MORE. I AM GETTING OFF. I am getting off. No more jokes, I need to do it, like, now, or else. I need to help myself. NO MORE DRUGS. I want to feel again. I want to be right again. I want to LIVE again. I need to end the pain, end the suffering, end the horribleness that is my existence.
I live in pain. That has to stop. It’s just horrible, just AWFUL. GOD, IT HURTS SO MUCH. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH