Sighinide

I’m not sure why I’m even still blogging. Bored, I guess.

I suppose one could get a sick thrill out of documenting the death of a country, or something. Yeah, that might be it.

Well, at least there is still something of a community, here. Count your blessings. Not too many heroin addicts dying on the street corners in broad daylight like there are in other parts of majority-white US. Yet. Though I see more of that stuff now, more than I used to, certainly. I guess the relative wealth of this area has kept it insulated from too much of that.

I do see heroin addicts now, though. I mean, in other parts of town, poorer parts, where they used to be none, when I was a kid. The death of the United States is like the slow erosion of a continent. It happens through years, though it’s effects are unmistakable and permanent when done. It’s like some kind of creeping, omnipotent death, nipping at my heels.

There really is nothing more awful or sad than seeing the heroin addicts on the streets where the businesses used to be in the neighboring town, here. It’s… awful. They look like the walking dead. Nobody who values their lives goes there at night, anymore. It’s like a zombie infestation.

I mean, you can get heroin in my neighborhood too, but it’s not like that.

Oof, speaking of which… yeah. Ugh, ow. I CAN’T give in, lol. Yeesh. Oof, I CAN’T. I mean I want to, so badly, but no, I CAN’T. No, nope, no, never, I can’t. No way, no how will I even consider it. No way. No way, no way, no way. Never.

Ugh. Well… wait, what was I thinking about? LOL. Oh yeah, death, or something. Heroin. Right. So uh…. yeah.

WHEW. Jeebus, I seriously shouldn’t have even though of it, I need another hit. Damn it, FUCK. I had this great train of thought going and then… BAM. Ughk, I’m shaking, again. Oof, so dumb. Throat is closing up, skin gets… paler. Eyes scream, nerves turn to jelly, horrible twisting pain in my stomach. A hit WOULD calm me. It would. And make me feel loved, again. Like… a warming hug, all over inside of me. It would be heaven, so much. I just need ONE, that’s it. Only one. I NEED IT. SO MUCH.

Yeah, ugh. Oof. OW. I mean, it’s just so wonderful, isn’t it? IDK what I was saying, earlier. Maybe I’M the dumbass, lol.

Yeah, woah. A hit would be so good, right now. Like, so good. So pleasant, so beautiful. It would make me whole, again.

I’m… getting one?

I… should. Just once. No harm. Just once.

Yeah… I…

Um…

I need to stop.

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Eh, well, there are a few kids out there, collecting. They seem a somber lot. Their parents could not be less enthused.

There’s a distinct lack of, IDK, laughter, as opposed to previous years. There’s a number of my neighbors outside working, like cleaning the gutters and such. Really ruins the mood. None of the parents seem to have dressed up, or bothered much to put on a show themselves.

And there’s a distinct lack of outdoor decorations this year, too. It’s all so… boring. Dead.

Awful. Not a holiday to look forward to, at all.

This sucks.

I took a few pictures of some of the kids with my new phone. Ok, that’s… something. Wow, I guess. OK, then. I mean, why not. Might as well have something to remember this day by besides the… cravings. Which are there, and which I will NOT give into. Nope, not me.

Yeah.

So……. ok. Ugh, how dreadful.

Yeah, the more I look at it, the more it seems this COVID shit really is just a made up… crisis, so the government can “solve” it, and not look completely and utterly incompetent, like they do when they try to fix any real, actual crises.

My stupid, naive mother brought me up some ice cream. She thinks I have a cold, lol. What an idiot. She literally doesn’t know I’m a fentanyl addict. Christ, how dumb can you even be? It’s tragic, really. Had I had better, smarter, less stupid and gullible parents, perhaps I wouldn’t have turned out this way.

Yeah, my idiot parents decided to not give out treats this year, because CNN told them not to. What dumbasses. They didn’t want to bring the “disease” into the house. Meanwhile, I’m upstairs dying of fentanyl withdrawal, and they literally have no idea, lol. They are typical boomers, I guess. Absolute morons. Gullible fools who live vicariously through the idiot box. Dumbasses to the core.

LOL.

sigh.

I guess it’s done. It took like a half hour this year for Halloween to be completely finished. There are no kids out there, anymore. Can’t see them, can’t hear them.

Christ, how stupid, and boring. What a waste of a holiday.

This fucking sucks.

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Every year, I use Halloween as a sort of barometer for how I’m doing, in life and healthwise.

Obviously, this year doesn’t hold up well, like at all.

I’m in no mood for Halloween. I’m frankly tired of being scared. It’s… old, boring. I want to feel happy, for once. I mean, no imaginary monster is worse than the one that is literally eating away at me, right now. The one that is chewing through my life like a ravenous wolf through a fresh kill.

Seriously, not in the mood to be “scared” right now.

They are doing “Halloween” this year in my town, though. We’re not participating. I suppose I may take a glance now and again out a window to look at the costumes. Might be fun. In fact I hear some kids out there right now…

Uhm, nothing, really. They were across the street. It’s probably the whole “not giving out candy” thing that’s keeping them away. Can’t say I blame them, lol. We don’t have the sign in our window, so they know not to bother.

Uh, yeah. It seems so… boring, IDK. Like, this year, and all that is happening. It’s so much fluff. I’m sure it means something to the kids, but, really not much to any adults I know. There is too much else going on, whether it’s something real, or imagined.

And again we’re back to that.

To throw in the requisite Cady reference, today I looked up Cady in those “In Memorium” videos on YouTube. Ugh, THAT was a mistake. I’m sure it’s obvious why. But a comment caught my eye, there. Someone watching the video commented that he was shocked at how many young people were in it, having died of apparent suicides (like, Cady would fit this one).

Kinda makes sense. The life expectancy here in the states is dropping, still. In Canada it’s like 82, or 83. Here in the US it’s like 77, 78. A grim testimony for how shitty our leadership is. And- life is harder, up in the frozen north, than it is, here. The only reason we are dying younger than Canadians is social factors. Like Opioids. And obesity. I mean, real plagues. Not like that made-up “COVID” bullshit.

The leaders here in the US are experts at wasting peoples’ time. Like, they constantly string out ridiculous boogeymen in front of the public as distractions, to avoid any real issues, which they are as a rule incompetent at dealing with. I mean, whether it’s nuclear war, the USSR, COVID, Al-Queda, or any number of other stupid, nonsensical phantasms, it’s all equally junk. All worthless.

The real problems here have been festering now for a hundred years, or more, with no real attempt at remedy. It’s just that we’ve been plundering this rich land of it’s resources, so we’ve had the ability to stave off the day of reckoning. Until now. It’s like, the chickens are coming home to roost, so to speak.

The real problems need fixing, now, or this place will be a desolate wasteland in 100 years, guaranteed. Perhaps sooner.

Ugh. Enough with the fake monsters, people.

Let’s try dealing with some real ones once in a while, OK?

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Guess I’ll throw the “L” back on there, lol.

Uh, so, I’ve been youtubing… holy shit, people.

Yesterday I saw a bunch of videos on Bruce Lee. Apparently he died of… something to do with prescription painkillers. Injuries caused a… problem, of some kind? An allergic reaction? Addiction, maybe? Something, the details are fuzzy, but opioids killed him it seems.

Personally- and this is just a hunch- I would put my money on “addiction”, there. Which I know Lee’s fanboys will not like, but it seems the most logical, and reasonable, cause of death. I never bought the whole “killed by Acetaminophen” meme that was popularized back in the 90’s in schoolyards. I mean, the “allergic reaction” hypothesis. Always seemed fishy to me. Kinda dumb, like it was a desperate cover story. Kind of like his fans wanted to concoct some flimsy possibility to save their egos from some kind of nasty, real reality there. For awhile, I thought it might be steroids. Just a guess. But a painkiller overdose seems more reasonable to me, knowing his history, and his injuries. Hmmn.

Today, I was just watching random shit and came across a clip from some dumb 90’s movie with Bam Bam Bigelow in it. He, also, apparently died of a painkiller overdose. Yeesh.

And Cady’s brother, of course, which I’ve been focusing on, here.

And me. Jeebus, that’s a lot of people. It’s like… you can’t escape this shit!

Guys, what the fuck? Look at this disaster that you’ve created.

Whole towns have been wiped out by this shit. WHOLE TOWNS.

Entire STATES are threatened by it. Literally, like entire states, like the whole thing!

All of this, and you focus on… COVID?

Seriously?

Guys, what the fuck are you doing?

OUR COUNTRY IS FUCKING DYING.

Jeebus, people!

Nobody in our “ruling classes” deserves to rule. Nobody. NONE OF THEM.

Ughk, guys… what are you even doing? Seriously. I don’t get it, and my head hurts even trying to comprehend it.

This place fucking sucks.

Oof. UGHK.

Ow, but I’m hurting, here.

I need to rest again. Gods THE PAIN. Ow ow, lol.

Oh, it hurts.

Ouch, oohh, ow OW OW.

Ow.

Talk later.

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Oof, ok, then. The half dose I took actually seems to be… kinda working? It’s hard, hard to take it and be satisfied but there is NO WAY I can feel… that again. NO WAY. What an unconscionable thing to do to a living being, that is. How cruel am I? I mean, it’s to myself, but still. I am human, and no human being should ever be put through what I’ve been through. In my own twisted way, I’m a monster, I think. Something I will need to deal with and fix.

I still feel bad, very bad, but not… quite on the edge. The edge of suicide, I mean. Oh man, what a miserable hell this kind of addiction is. It’s too much on the body. Way, way too much. Fentanyl is apparently the most addictive substance known to man. No argument from me, there. Holy shit. I feel like I’ve been run over by a semi. Absolutely unreal. What enormous pain it brings; absolutely enormous. It’s unfair, unconscionable, inhuman. It’s death, death to everything. It twists you and turns you into… something ghastly.

“The worst health crisis we have ever seen”? Yes, I would believe it. Wholeheartedly.

Oof, ye gods, what horrible, awful, ugly pain. Holy shit. Gods I still struggle to breathe.

I gotta get off the fentanyl. Got to, have to. I won’t make it to Christmas otherwise. Oof, oh man, this is unfair, absolutely unfair.

Ow ow ow ow ow. Ok, another day, then. Another day to make it through. Another day of sunshine to absorb and youtube to watch. Tomorrow, maybe I’ll… no. I’m staying put, this weekend. Oof, ow, gods it hurts. Absolutely monsterous. Even with my magic protecting me, I can’t even deal. It’s still almost way too much.

Uh, I need to end this, here. I’m too tired to continue.

Alright. Bye, for now.

Wish me luck, world.

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Horrible, so horrible.

Had the hardest time today stopping myself from getting a gun downstairs and ending this. It was close, but I did it.

I’ll just take half doses from now on, and stretch them out as far as I can. I will get off, but not all at once. I am only human.

Currently listening to Cady’s N’ Sync cover. Good stuff. I’ll still do this for her, but for me, too. Because I deserve it.

Because I deserve a life, too.

I’ve made so many mistakes in my time here. I have so many regrets and have so much disappointment that at times it doesn’t seem fair, like I’ve been cursed, or something. I wish so much I could go back and change things. Because I would change everything, I think.

I wish I had done things differently, lived differently… almost, been a different person… I think. Maybe then, everything would have been better.

It just hurts so much, even now. The pain is super intense. Inhuman. It’s too much to handle, I think for anyone. Even with my magic protecting me, my defenses are nothing against it.

I’m in trouble. It’s bad, so very very bad. It’s unfair is what it is.

Don’t I get a second chance? We’re all people. We all make mistakes. Can’t get a do-over? I mean at least with some of these things?

I mean, please? I just need a second chance is all. I chance to reset, to do some things over again. I mean, not everything. Just a few things. Enough to let me live a normal life again. That’s all I ask for, all I need.

But I won’t get it. I’m only human. This life is all you get. No do-overs, no matter how you need them. No matter how much you deserve them.

I wish it was different. It’s just so unfair.

I mean… it’s just not fair, damn it! Nobody should have to do through this much pain in one life! It’s NOT FAIR!

At least, I think it isn’t. I think.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m nothing special after all.

I don’t know. I suppose I’ll spend the weekend trying to… fix myself. To create a front, to show the world I’m not hopeless. It might be a tough, awful process.

I want to run outside and just scream. To plead, beg for someone to help me. For a hero to show me the way. I don’t know, maybe that would work. But we don’t do those things, do we? We don’t take those chances. We suffer, in silence. We bear the cross on our backs, and hope to fix things ourselves, somehow, even when the path isn’t… obvious. Or even there.

Maybe that isn’t right, but it’s what we do.

I don’t know.

I’m still contemplating suicide. It might be the best option, should I not be able to break the addiction. I mean, I would miss out on Christmas, and all the rest of them after. All that cool stuff I’m getting… all of it, would be gone.

And everything else, too. The people I know, the experiences I’ve had, Cady… and, everything else, would be gone, in a flash.

Seems so… tragic. Doesn’t it?

I… don’t know. There must be a way out of this. There MUST be. It will just take time, and… help. Like, I can’t do this one, myself. I just can’t.

I… need to stop typing. And get ready for bed, as scary as that sounds to me, now. If this half dose doesn’t take, if it doesn’t work… I’m in trouble. Like, serious, major trouble.

And I’ll get help, then. I’ll need it.

Ok, good night then.

Wish me luck, world.

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I took another hit. I can’t go this cold turkey.

But it was a half dose. Half a patch, only.

This is still a success.

Sorry, Cady.

You’ll need to wait a bit longer, it looks like.

I guess the point here is that I’m only human. I can only do so much at once without losing my mind.

It’s ok.

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I haven’t eaten anything in two days, because I just puke it up.

Isn’t fentanyl withdrawal potentially fatal in and of itself?

I just finished up a couple hours’ worth of shakes, so I’m feeling a bit better.

I’m in serious trouble, though.

Really serious. This is not good, not good at all.

Oh man, I can’t breathe. Maybe I’m making a very big mistake, here.

This isn’t good.

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Oh god it’s death, such death. I can actually smell the fentnayl as it leaves my body. It’s unreal. So powerful, so awful. What have I done to myself? My brain splits open, my mind dies. This is horrible, truly. Truly horrible, absolutely noxious and awful. What a horrid punishment this is!

Oh god, it’s horrible, I just need to release. I need it to be over, I don’t want to use again, I don’t want to, I CAN’T. OH GOD, I CAN’T use again, I know what that would do to me. At least I think I do, and it isn’t pleasant.

Oh god I can’t breathe, this is hell, I need help to do this, what was I thinking, oh god it hurts this is HELL, please someone help me, someone help me. WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?!?!?!

I don’t know, someone help, please I don’t want to use again but I CAN’T GO THROUGH THIS, I JUST CAN’T, SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEEEEEE

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oh god I can’t SEE MY EYES ARE FILLED WITH WATER AND HURTING, IT’S TRAUMA AFTER TRAUMA

oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

so bad so bad

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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Oh God SOOOOOOOOOOO MUUUUUUUUUUUCH PAAAAAINNNNNNNNNNNN

Oh god it hurts it HURTS it hurts SO BADLY

My body has been ruined, utterly ruined, what has happened to my body OH GOD THE PAIN

IT HURTS SO MUCH, CAN’T STOP SHAKING IT HURTS OH GOD IT HURTS SO MUCH

HORRIBLE CHILLS, HOT FLASHES, CAN’T STOP SWEATING IT’S HORRIBLE, EVERYTHING IS PAIN

OH GOD JUST KILL ME, GET ME OUT OF THIS PLEASE

I think of Cady, and that helps BUT IT HURTS SO MUCH

OH GOD I CAN’T STOP CRYING. OH MAN, I CAN’T BREATHE

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGG

Oh god my eyes won’t turn off, it’s horrible

so bad,so bad

I need out of this, I need help, please, someone help me

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Someone please help me, please help me, please oh god help me with the pain, IT HURTS SO MUCH

I KEEP SCREAMING BUT NOBODY ANSWERS

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

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