I need it now, though. I’m literally shaking as I type this.
I mean, I NEED IT. Like BIG TIME. NEED IT. NOW!!!!
No wait though- just chill, Tom. It’s ok. Relax, it won’t be too long.
UGH.
Fuck.
My stomach is in knots, twisting and churning in anticipation. Oh man, I really need that hit like in the next fifteen minutes. No five, NO RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
No.
Be still, bro. It’s ok.
Just a couple hours.
You’ll be fine.
Ahhh… right. Fine, then. OK.
Whatever. I’ll wait, then.
UGHK.
Fuck.
Yeah ok so I’m like super overdue for a big dose and I’ll FINALLY have the chance later on today so… yessir, in it goes. Gawd just a few hours until I can get my hit, not too long, I can take it. Yes yes. Not a problem; not at all, everything is completely under my control.
SO. Blah blah usual stuff, but I also got my hands on a new kind of pain med, can’t wait to try that out this weekend. ALSO- yes I have thought verrrrry meekly and mildly about trying mayyyyyybe just a smidgin of heroin, juuuuust to try it because why not, seriously, I may as well, I am curious now, and I might…. have the opportunity. I mean… seriously, why not? Just a taste. I’m curious.
I… think I can get some, if I really wanted to. It’s mostly just a “thought” though. I mean I remember talking to Demi about that like a loooong time ago and she said that she tried it (and yeah, I mean I can prove that too) and it didn’t seem to bother her too much so… yeah I know I know, but don’t worry, I have this thing COMPLETELY under my control. I’m smart- much smarter than most- so we’re good. I mean, the fact that I collect my used fentanyl patches should be of no concern, lol. But srsly, we’re good.
So…. yes yes, I can’t wait for this afternoon. FINALLY, I get back to… normal. FINALLY, and I can get that reward that I need to get very much, just for dealing with this crazy fucking world of ours. Oh yeah, can’t wait. Nothing else matters really until I get my hit again, yes, I mean I just can’t wait, lol. oof, FINALLY. lol.
Oh yeah, just to feel that wonderful icy cold love surging through my dry veins… nothing is better, nothing is more needed, nothing means more. Right.
You know I really need to start talking about other stuff, here. And I mean I said I would, so… yeah, let’s seriously turn this into a diary, like a real one. Let’s do it. Let’s talk about being a celebrity, day to day life, and everything else. Let’s do it, let’s do it. Yup.
But not now. Right now, I know what I REALLY need. And I’m counting down the minutes until I get it. Just think though, heroin would be SO MUCH more convenient… a medium sized dose of that would take care of me, no problem, just as a supplement, you know? I mean occasionally, once in a while, until I get everything else straightened out, during those times when my supply of other stuff is shakier.
Well, I need to try out that new pain med this weekend, defo. Can’t wait for that, it might be phenomenal. I mean, might be. We’ll see. Oh yeah, life is good.
See? Everything’s under control. No problem!
Yup, everything’s great.
Yup, absolutely.
Seriously. Of course.
Yup.
Yeah!
Right.
Right!
Right.
Right…
I had another medical procedure today… yes another. I’ve had quite a few over the last couple of years, though I’ve not talked about any of them here. I suppose I should… I mean, it might help, right? Seems like it.
It went well, and there was an added bonus of meeting one of my fans today. A nurse, this time. Love that. She dropped a bucket-full of hints that she knew who I was when I met her, and I gave her a joke after the procedure was done- told her I dreamed of being a movie star. She got a kick out of it and kinda-sorta winked at me after laughing. Neat, I love love love interactions like that. One of the main reason I go out, when I do.
I love my fans. Honestly, they kick so much ass, when I see them out in public. I’ve got such a great fanbase- one of the best of any celebrity, I think, and I mean that without exaggeration. I don’t meet too many of them where I live but when I do they are uniformly nice and well-meaning. No autographs- yet- but a lot of googly-eyed staring, winking and inside jokes sometimes.
On extreme occasions, I’ve had women go into shock upon seeing me. Extreme occasions, but yes it happens. And sometimes people regard me with a kind of… awe, like they’re seeing a superhero, or something. People who clearly know who I am, I mean. Like, they humble themselves before me as though I was some kind of royalty.
Hmmn. Now that I think about it, it’s the women who go into shock. It’s the men who… act subservient. Odd. Perhaps some psychologist somewhere can form some opinion about those factoids and how they relate to traditional gender roles. Hmmn.
And oddly enough, I seem to have more fans in the educated classes than amongst the working classes that I traditionally champion here, or the underclass. Hmmmn. Something to think about.
But yeah, a lot to go over, here. There are so many topics that I could perhaps write encyclopedias about that I’ve not breached on here that its crazy. Oy, so much to write about, and so little time.
But, that is some other day. I need to sleep, now.
*yawn*
Yeah, my face feels like it’s becoming unglued from my skull.
Uh, ICK.
So, um, back to bed, I guess.
Yeah, OK then.
Right.
Uh, good night?
Sure.
My lips feel weird, rubbery. Like they’re not even attached. Especially the left half of them, like I was just at the dentist’s office and got one of those injections. My chin feels like it’s melting.
Ughk. Yuck, and my stomach feels super knotted and tight. Ughk. ICK. Why do I do this to myself… ye gods, what horrible torture. What the fuck have I done to myself, lol.
I… um… thought maybe about going to… rehab, yes rehab, after talking again with Cady. I had kind of a horrible time with her, as she kept needing to cajole me to breathe, lol. Oof, was that embarrassing. It’s like I forgot how, or something. So horrible. What a dreadful experience. And of course my brains feel like they’re trying to run out my ears again. UGH. BLECH.
So yeah, rehab. I also talked with Demi Lovato, who kind of solidified the idea. Boy was she wierded out when she saw me, haha! I haven’t spoken to her in ages… I need to change that, she helped me, I think, at least after spending some time trying to get her used to the whole “telepathy” thing again, lol. My eyes keep running, and running. Oh gods, I swear I’m not crying, I swear it. And I DO mean that.
So I FINALLY know what I’m doing here. I think I should use this blog to document my symptoms, at least until I go to rehab. I mean, unless I can get this thing under control, first.
Jeezus I can’t believe my life has come to this, oyyyyyyy. Whaaaaaaaat the fuck, lol. Rehab. Rehab. Me. REHAB? WHAAAAT THE FUCK TOM?!?!?!?! aaaaahhhhhahahahahahaahahaha!!! Yeah. Ouch, lol.
sigh…
Seriously thinking about taking another hit and then turning in early, though jeebus would I pay for that down the line. I would feel better, tho. At least right now. And I could get some easier sleep.
Ooh ye gods it hurts, lol. IDK, maybe not. Maybe I’ll try fucking a girl or something. Oh man, this hurts, lol.
Yeah, I think I’ll yell at Cady for a few minutes, maybe cry a bit afterwords, and then follow that up with some Victoria Justice. Yup, sounds like a plan.
So glad everything’s coming together!
Yay!
oof.
Erk, my skin feels like it’s burning, again. Oh I hate that. It’s no idle feeling, either; I can peel it away with my fingertips. It’s thin, brittle and flaky. Egads.
My heart is pounding through my chest, like it’s struggling to break through my ribcage. It’s monotonous hammer against my will to live.
Ick. Oof.
Owwwww my stomach, lol.
Well, there’s no reason to do all of this again, is there? I should hope not. I think I’ve… Ugh, my head, lol.
Ah, I will stop here.
Maybe something different tomorrow.
I sure hope so, at any rate.
Oh man tho, it is hard to breathe. Uhgk. I mean, I’m dry, so I’m in no danger, but still, it really is.
It’s like I have to fight for each breath of air. Oh lordy, what a terrible inconvenience. oof.
And the headaches- yikes, they just SCREAM sometimes. Like my skull is in danger of splitting open and the contents of pouring out my ears. The headaches are just unreal. So massive, so brutal.
Which would… make sense. Narcotics attach themselves to your nervous system- i.e. like your brain, and solar plexus, if I understand them right. So the nausea and the migraines have a simple, logical explanation. It’s my body trying to rid itself of what it considers a poison.
Then why, tho- why the cravings? If it’s a poison, shouldn’t my body be glad to be rid of it? That would make the most sense, yes?
So why do I need it so?
Why can’t I be happy when it’s purged? It’s like… I need it SO. BADLY.
Like I can’t afford to be happy, or something. It’s a sick game, this is.
I kinda wish I had someone to talk to about this. I mean, I talk to Cady a lot but she’s… dead, lol. So that doesn’t really count.
I know I know. Therapy, right? Like, right now.
I know guys, I know.
But maybe I can… fix this… like, I was an addict before- there was the time in college. And last year, with a different set of narcotics. But this year is so so much worse. This shit I’m taking now is just sooooooo intense, and direct. And I’ve been on it for… a very, very long time.
I….. don’t know.
I need to think.
If I can, with this headache, I mean. Ouch.
sigh…
Um…
Sorry.
I mean, I know. I’m not blind. So… sorry.
But it’s ok.
The thing is, I really AM smart, though. I just re-read… uh… yesterday’s efforts, and that is the one thing out of that… mess that seems to have a ring of basic truth to it.
So, I can fix this. Don’t worry.
And I will.
Just as soon as this brain-splitting migraine goes away.
Hoooooooly shit, lol.
Ouch.
Yeah… ow.
sigh…
Just don’t die, Tom. That’s it. You can do it, man.
oy. This sucks, lol.
Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.