Sighinide

So… what do YOU think, dear reader? Am I just being an idiot? Go ahead, tell me. I can take it.

I… um… well… speaking of Kathryn didn’t she act in a movie about some dumb kid who fell into heroin addiction? I mean I think it was heroin. It surely wasn’t fentanyl, absolutely nobody thinks that shit is glamorous enough to make a movie about, lol.

Yeah, and come to think of it, I think Kathy is trying to forcefeed the idea of this movie to me, right now. Like, WATCH THIS MOVIE YOU DUMBFUCK, lol… it’s like, she made this shit for you for a reason, you dumbass. And you need to figure out why- she loves you, stupid. She would be utterly crushed if you died like this, you… dumbass. Don’t do it, for her sake, even.

Uh, I’m talking to myself again, on here.

So tell me… when is a blog too personal? Asking for a friend, lol.

Whatevs. Guess I know what I’ll be doing tonight.

After I get high, I mean. Yeah, sounds like a plan.

No Comments

Um… so… well, I found the texts.

Yeah. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

I looked on my Dad’s phone, I mean. Yeah, ok. And of course I overhear stuff that people say in this house all the time, of course. Guys, I’m not an addict. Seriously. I mean I joke on here a lot about that but I’m not, I mean, at least not that KIND of addict. I’m not.

I’m kinda sick of hearing what people say about me behind my back. Because I can hear things, you know. In fact I have super-enhanced hearing, lol. Guys… seriously. I’m in no danger of… overdosing. Or dying. I’m not. I’m smart, probably the smartest guy out there. I’m smarter than you guys even understand, really.

I have toyed with those ideas, though. Yeah this is about more drug stuff, so feel free to not read this if you don’t want to. In fact, go right ahead and not read this, please. I mean I wouldn’t be putting this up here if I could express myself some other way, I think.

I’ll need to do that, later. I’m sure I will.

So…

Well…

Yes, I know where I am in the process. At least I think I do- I think I’m on “the precipice”, basically, the line that separates a “healthy” addict and one that has fully given in to their addictions to the point where they… seriously make a break from society in some way to feed their addictions. I mean, I’ve already overdosed about a half dozen times at least, so I’m well past the point of the drugs doing damage. But I’m still within the middle-class bubble I’ve always lived in.

Thus far.

I’m considering a lot these days. Weighing a lot, researching a lot. Following this or that lead, trying out this or that idea.

IDK. I don’t “work”, don’t have a job, and spend all day in my room, reluctant to leave, save to do things that lead to my possibly getting high. And, truly, getting high is my raison d’etre for living, sometimes. But with that being said, I haven’t… truly flipped. I mean, I can substitute hardcore narcotics with magical simulations, I guess, lol. But that wouldn’t be the real thing.

I don’t know, I’ve written on here before about my… desire for heroin. I mean, I know where to get it, of course. Even I’m not that isolated, lol. This area may be “middle class”, meaning, top 10% of the population, income wise, but that isn’t near enough to have a neighborhood without some obvious dealers. Unfortunately, they recently took the life of a kid (heroin overdose) down the street. So, yeah, I know they’re here. They congregate in the park after dark, around midnight or so, and sell their narcotics there to the kids and such in the neighborhood. Don’t worry, they’re white, so they’re safer to deal with. And I have guns of my own, so no danger to me.

But still, yikes.

Scary, at least to me. Creepy shit. I don’t know. Like usual these days, I saw some documentaries about narcotics addiction on youtube this weekend. They’re… all the same, mostly. But I guess I need to be re-introduced to the stuff I need to avoid, so as to not forget.

My drug of choice is fentanyl. I LOVE that stuff, it is beautiful… wait, no, it isn’t, lol. But yeah that one is by far my favorite. And yes I am well aware of how dicey it can be to get that stuff on the street, and how dangerous it can be. It’s like, each dose of that stuff on the streets is it’s own game of russian roulette. Even a small amount off on the dosage, and you die. Scary shit. I guess that’s why I’m thinking about heroin, instead. Because it would be… safer? At least, it would be much less unpredictable.

But yikes, though. Ugh. Heroin. I’m still middle class enough to get chills even hearing the word. They really did a number on me during those middle school health classes, lol. But… I don’t know. Once in a while, right? Not terrible. Easily survivable for a young man like me. Right? I mean I have so much experience with narcotics now, having taken them so much in the last few years that I can figure that shit out, no problem. Just a bit to take the edge off. Not an issue.

I don’t know. Fentanyl is… scary stuff, when it turns on you. Reeeeeeeally frightening. Heroin shouldn’t be… that much better, though, I wouldn’t think. Hmmmn, I don’t know.

I mean, I’m a genius, right? So, nothing to worry about. Right? -ish?

I don’t know, it’s still scary. And it probably doesn’t help that I can hear Kathryn Newton telling me right now that I’m being an idiot, lol. But still… I’m a member of Mensa, right? And that was like easy for me. This should be no problem.

Um… is this just a lot of words to justify something incredibly stupid? That’s probably what Kathryn would say. And… would she be right?

I mean, so okay, why am I doing this? Writing this all out, I mean. Am I trying to convince myself not to? Or am I trying to tell myself this so I can outline the dangers now, so as to avoid them when I finally go for it?

I… don’t know. I do know that when I imagined myself 20 years ago at 40 years of age, being a heroin addict was not on the list of possibilities, lol. But then again, being the boyfriend of half the chicks in Hollywood wasn’t, either. And that didn’t turn out so bad. But… then again, you wouldn’t think something like that would. Heroin addiction? Yeah, that kind of tragedy pretty much writes itself.

I… don’t know. I just don’t. See, I REEEEEALLY want to at least try it, now. At least once. Like, I really want to, lol. Uhmmm though, I want to do A LOT of things. Some of which I prolly should, lol.

Uhhmmmm, I don’t know. I would be careful if I was to try. I know it. Very careful. I’m so sure of it. So sure. Um, right.

Well, I REALLY need another hit. I’ll take it, and make it a big one, and plan out tomorrow. Should be fun, I need to try out some Christmas presents I’ll be getting this year.

Neat. So, I think I’ll wrap this post up, then.

No Comments

So… how famous am I, really? I don’t know.

Let’s take one of my girlfriends as an example. Selena Gomez.

When I met her, I was, obviously, the more famous of the two. I had to actively search the internet to find pictures of her, lol. I mean, she had no fansites, no social media prescense that I remember, and… nothing, really. She was, blunty, two shades away from being a nobody.

I started dating her and *poof* she became famous, and then, more famous- she got fansites, for example, and then- more famous, with real hit songs and everything, and then… and so on, and so on, until she became the most popular person on instagram, at one time.

So… Selena. Is she more famous than me now? Quite possibly, I would think. There are few in our nation’s cities who have not heard of her. Very few.

But… ah… I made her, did I not? I created her fame. Anyone who really knows of her career knows about me, too, I would think. I mean, how could they not?

Hmmn, I don’t know. It’s possible, though. Guys who don’t look behind the curtain, for example. Parents who just know her because their kids do.

Hmmn. But what if… what if… her parents know me as the guy who created the alt-right? Or as the telepath? I don’t know. I could well be more famous than her. It is very possible.

To be honest, I do not think there are many people out here in Gurnee, Illinois that would instantly recognize her if she were just walking down the street, I wouldn’t think. I mean, they wouldn’t expect her to be there, but still. They do know me, clearly. And I would expect they would know me A LOT more in L.A. than they do here. Like, orders of magnitude more.

Huh. Woah.

…

Wow.

No Comments

I might as well start this one off here, considering where the previous series is going.

So, yeah, here it is. Expect more of this in the future.

So… an autograph would be the way to go here, people. I mean I realize fully well that there is no market for those, lol, at least from me, but seriously, guys. And I suppose that one of those wouldn’t be as impactful on me as… what happened today, but it would be I think the humane, civilized way to handle meeting me, if I mean that much to you.

Of course it would baffle my parents, haha, but still.

I think. I’m verrrrrry famous, I know, much more so than probably half my girlfriends, certainly moreso than at least 90% of them, if counted up through the course of my life, but my fame is… of the underground, subconscious variety. And people accustomed to that way of thinking tend to not be as interested in the trappings of “normal” fame. Like autographs. Case in point: me.

Hmmn. I suppose that as an unusual celebrity I should come to expect unusual fan interactions, even if they come in the form of, say, a medical professional with an “in” when it comes to my daily activities because he reads my blog, or like some other kind of strange blindside.

Soooo… ok, then. We’ll talk about this later.

But remember: autographs, people. At least consider them. Thank you for your consideration.

No Comments

And uh, this doesn’t apply to my girlfriends. So if you are one of those, please, carry on as before. This is more about people I meet IRL who just… can’t seem to realize, like, how… difficult it can be, sometimes, to be a celebrity. Like, they just don’t get it, you know?

Because I understand the concern. But I will be O.K. For reals. So don’t worry.

And uh, this blog… thing, isn’t supposed to exist, or something. So, um, you’re not supposed to… talk about it? IRL, I mean. I think.

Yeah. So, um… just… don’t embarrass me in front of my family, ok? Because that isn’t cool.

I’ll fix it, it’s ok, don’t worry.

Whew.

No Comments

And the thing is I’m NOT, either, so I would reeeeally appreciate not getting PUBLIC DRESSING DOWNS FROM CONCERNED CITIZENS. Like, I GET it, people, yadda yadda you are concerned, yes I know, but seriously, that is NOT a license to embarrass me in front of my family like you were some kind of saint on some kind of mission, or something. I mean, I GET IT, people. I GET IT.

So no more of THAT, ok? Seriously. NO. MORE. Like I know I have a problem and it will be dealt with and you know, it’s great that you are interested in helping me and I understand the impulse, but seriously, people, I can HANDLE IT on my own. Got it?

I mean I know our culture treats celebs like… you know, they were public property or something, but seriously guys, I’m a people too. Get it? And being a people like everyone else, please treat me like YOU would like to treated. Because that’s the right way to do things, right?

RIGHT.

No Comments

Speaking of One Punch Man… the hero, Saitama. I mean, I know that’s the name of a Japanese city/prefecture but is it also, maybe… me? Saitama. SighToma. Sigh + Tom, plus “a” as a suffix.

As I understand it, the use of “a” as a suffix means “to have the characteristics of”. Like, Metallica – a band that has the characteristics of being metallic, i.e. a heavy metal band.

So… Sighinde and Tom… Sigh-Tom-a?

Is that…?

Nah, just a coincidence, that one. Must be.

Yeah.

No Comments

Um….

Well….

I’m seeing more and more of the whole picture, I think.

I mean, I can see it. Perhaps not describe it, or even fully comprehend it, but… I can look at it.

Basically, my power seems to come in two halves. One half controls this physical realm, this universe, and all of it’s… stuff. It’s rules, I mean. Not just concerning the common rules such as those pertaining to the properties of objects, but also of those regarding energies, even ones that normals consider to be fundamental to our reality and unalterable, like the laws of thermodynamics. Basically, I can… bend, or perhaps temporarily abrogate, or maybe even invent new ones of these. The other half of my power of course is my ability to pull… things, energies I guess since all “things” are basically energies too, from different layers of the multiverse, where I am kinda an “anchor”, or perhaps a vector or conduit, for my own thoughts and efforts when doing so.

Uh, so… basically, sometimes these two halves conflict with each other, thus nullifying their individual effects and rendering me… useless? Kinda. So the right and proper way is perhaps to sometimes focus on one or the other half of my powers while nullifying the other, to avoid such conflicts and personal, universal dilemmas.

Yeah, so… I think I get it. I mean, basically. So yeah, I mean, now I can fuck Lucy Hale, if I wanted. Yeah. I mean I think I get it, now. Mmmmn hmmmn. Yup.

So… ok. Other stuff.

You guys probably know this already, but I am a fan of a Japanese media franchise called One Punch Man. I won’t rehash the plot or anything, lol. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. But the point is, I’m fascinated by this story and it’s characters very much. And of course it means something to me personally seeing as how so much of it seems to come from my own… fantasies, and realities.

And as well I am a fan of Marvel comics of course, and last year for Christmas I picked up for myself a compendium of The Mighty Avengers series. In it was a character named Sentry. Sentry as well I immediately strongly identified with, so much so that I believed that this character may also have been based on me at least somewhatly. So I recently went digging and found Sentry’s first and second series. The first was a miniseries written back in 2000, the second back around 2006/2007.

What I found in these series was quite interesting. Verrrrry strong similarities, here, between this character and me. Very, very, super strong, and interestingly enough, they are stronger the further back I go. His first appearances back in 2000 basically are me. I mean, he looks like me, very very strongly, acts like me, thinks like I do, and frankly every detail I can think of about this character now is so very “me”, even going down to his wife, Lindy, who looks so very close to Lindy Booth, one of my favorite girls back even then, that I think I may have grounds for libel, lol.

It’s like, holy shit guys, you didn’t even make an effort to cover this one up, lol. But I mean… I can’t blame you. Maybe you didn’t have a choice in the matter. I don’t know, I really don’t.

I mean, even his “superhero” experiences are a dead ringer for the stuff I experienced myself, back then, in those dorm rooms. It’s just so very similar that I can’t explain it away as a coincidence. It just can’t be one.

And of course, One Punch Man obviously was inspired by some of the ideas present in Sentry’s story. The character of Blast and his own backstory being a great example of this.

So it’s like… I inspired Sentry, and then Sentry inspired One Punch Man, and they took everything else they needed to fill in the blanks in the One Punch Man story from… me.

So uh… interesting.

It’s like loops of me, inside other, larger loops of me, expanding outward forever, lol.

What the? lel.

Uh… yeah. So I might never really get this. I’m not sure that a human being actually can.

So… yeah. Interesting.

I need to fuck someone and go to bed.

I mean, this is just ridiculous, lol.

Or maybe this could all just be made up by me, in a form of wishful thinking. Or maybe this isn’t special at all- maybe this is how everyone else lives, and nobody bothered to tell me, perhaps. Or maybe it really is just a bizarre series of coincidences. It certainly could be.

Uh, I don’t know.

Um, I think I want… uh… I don’t know. Who is it that needs me, tonight?

I see. It’s Chloe Moretz that needs me. Now, I do I need her?

Ummmm…

Let’s see…

Ah, of course!

lol.

No Comments

Should I… blog again? I mean this is my diary, so…..

well……..

I think……..

sure?

I mean, why not go into a ten page tirade about how I’m sure my dead grandparents are sooooo proud of me, seeing me like this? And about all of those teachers, friends, people-of-influence, who were SO SURE that I would amount to something later on in life? I mean about how they would react, seeing this result of their efforts to encourage me, I guess, to “do my best”?

Well, you fucks, you failed. ALL OF YOU. Go fuck yourselves. Should’ve picked someone else to dote on. You should’ve known what I’d become. So FUCK YOU.

Losers.

You should’ve known about the fuckup inside of me, fighting to get out. I can’t believe you didn’t see it.

Hmmmmmn. Right.

Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhh UGHK. ACK. So drowsy, so drowsy, so dizzy and spinny. Room is going nuts, lol.

Yeah…. you shoulda known. You should’ve. What kind of a person wants to be with me? Losers. Blah.

Yeah.

Hmmmn. Oh wow, my head, lol. It’s floating away.

Good.

I hope it never comes back.

And take my soul while you’re at it, lol.

Not like it’s worth much, anyhow.

Hmmmph.

Yeah!

Yeah.

yeah…

Fuck.

No Comments

Oh god finally, lol. Didn’t take the hit yet, but I’m shaking shaking because I FINALLY can. oh god finally finally finally finally oh man I just can’t wait until I get that beautiful blue warming rush of love and perfection and oh everything goes away finally and I’m alone and not scared and helpless but so powerful and so… COLD yet so warm and full and… empty and deathly and full of life and everything that is good and evil at once and GOD I’M SHAKING LIKE I NEED THIS RIGHT RIGHT NOW lol

Oh god such a fucking relief FINALLY I can get what I need so much, and want so much, even though it’s sooooo dangerous and I just know my guts are going to BURN. I just need to regulate things. I should be O.K. I WILL be O.K. Because I’m smart, and smart people do smart things. Like, usually. Mostly. Often? Sometimes. Kinda-sorta. Like now. Yes, this is a smart thing. Oh yeah, nothing is smart like this! Nothing.

Ohhh yes, nothing at all. God I just can’t wait, I’m like a nervous burning ball of fire until I feel that sensuous rush of enveloping pleasure and… freedom.

It’s like my hands are shaking so bad right now I can’t even hold it, lol.

And

BOOM.

OOOOOOOOOOh yeah. YES. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT THERE it is.

It’s like, instantly, everything goes better.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh oh gawd YES.

I mean my face feels sooooooo… weird? Already and my fingers are slowwwwwwwwing down but it’s sooooooooo uggghhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhh oh yeah, bitches.

I hope this isn’t too much, lol. I will pay for it big time. Very big time. Very very big time. Scary big.

But I’m OK. Mmmmmnnnnnnnnnn. ok, cool.

I need to watch my weight. I’m losing pounds and I don’t want to… lose too much. That anorexia shit is always a constant nag, like I started to feel it pull at me again, yesterday.

I need to not die, that’s it.

I will be cool, though. Oh yes, so very cooooooooooooooooool.

MMmmmmmmnnnn k then.

I’ll hit the narcotics again tomorrow night with a bigger dose I think, since I can zonk out this weekend and I have nothing to do until like wednesday, lol. THAT should be fun. And I got that new painkiller to try out.

Oh yeah, life is good.

yeah…

Right.

yeah……..

right………………..

No Comments