Sighinide

Ye Gods, I just can’t sleep. Fuck.

I keep waking up and shaking, and sweating. Mostly shaking. I feel so utterly cold, like my body is dying, yet so warm, at the same time. It’s just so weird.

I really need that hit. Like, really really. I’m not going to stop sweating and/or shaking until I get it. Like, I need it, really badly.

Oh God, help me, lol. Just a few hours. But no sleep for me tonight.

oof.

oh man, this sucks, lol.

oh, I just need this to end, somehow.

aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggg

it’s SO horrible. so so so horrible, arrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhh

gawd someone shoot me, get me out of this mess, please please please

i just can’t even breathe. again, lol

seriously, someone please just get me out of here. I can’t care who, i don’t care where, just… please help me.

please. SOMEONE.

ahhhhhhgggggggggg jesus I just feel so WEIRD. Can’t even emphasize how weird I feel. like I can’t even process, … this. Whatever this even is

Ah gods, I just really need that hit. like, desperately so.

somehow, I have a feeling that that will set everything right. I just know it.

oh man, this fucking SUCKS. I REALLY dread trying to go back to sleep, here. Seriously. Like I know it will scare me to death, lying there, feeling like this. I REALLY just need someone to help me. Like really, seriously. Like majorly, desperately. like NOW, lol.

oof, this sucks.

um… ok, whatever.

it means nothing, I guess. Back to sleep I go.

i just hope I don’t start shaking again, because that is just really really bad, lol. oh please just get me OUT of here

um… IDK. like an idiot, I was browsing debby’s insta while typing this, and I saw that cady was still “following” her. clicked on her, and noticed that she asn’t a blue check mark anymore. Hmmnn, wonder why, that seems odd, even considering her… condition.

ah, lol. yes, I shall talk to cady then, before trying to sleep. yes, that will work. it defo needs to, I mean something will, right? yes of course it will.

ok, then. no more shaking, no more sweating, no more icky scary weird hyper and deathly feeling in my nerves, none of that.

it’s just cady, bed, relaxation, until i get up and go, then I take my hit, then a day of hell because no sleep, then i go to bed, and then more hell until the weekend. I can do it, no problem. yes no problem, no problem, I can handle it, yessir.

ok, then. Wonderful! Yes, another fantastic plan. I’m just so good at this! And so SMART. Yup, nobody’s like me, that’s for sure!

ok, then, great. yeah.

right.

sigh…

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A few more thoughts before bed.

First, I get it. It’s like, I now get why there are so many addicts in this country. I mean I knew before, but it’s quite obvious now. I mean, the despair, the hopelessness, the… unfixability of everything, the lack of resources, the anger and envy and… justified rage. I truly get it, so much.

I don’t understand what is wrong with people, in that they have let these problems fester and grow for so long, without attempting remedy. The upper classes I mean, the so-called “elites”. It’s like they waste their time on made up problems like “racism” so much that they don’t have the time or the energy to attempt anything real. Which may in fact be the point of it all, it’s easier to fix something imaginary than a real issue. But the real issues now have piled up so high that they are nigh unfixable, now.

Case in point of course would be me. I’m continually baffled by how absolutely nobody seems to be able to, I don’t know, kind of give me something that might be truly helpful to me, as opposed to… what I actually get from people. I don’t get it. I mean, people can actually look into my mind. With that knowledge in hand, it should be quite easy to figure out what it would take to pacify me, or at least calm my nerves, or perhaps give me hope, or something. Honestly people, it should be so easy a third grader should be able to handle it, no problem. And yet, look at where we are, now.

I don’t get it. And the fact the nobody seems to be able to handle even the lowest of the low hanging fruits here in this country is a horribly damning indictment of the way we do things, to an absurd degree. It’s wrecking everybody’s mood. Guys, this should be easy. And is it not understood that the consequences of fucking this up could be unbelievably catastrophic? Like people, I am seriously by far and away the most powerful man that has ever lived. Is this not apparent?

I mean, there are some who are richer than I, more popular than I, etc., but there is nobody more powerful than me, no. Not ever. Often money is used as a substitute for power by the wealthy. But it is not power in and of itself, no. I repeat, there is NOBODY more powerful than me in this world. There is in fact no number 2 on the list, either. Such is the gulf between me and everyone else. Don’t you people get it?

Guys, I’m trying to make this easy. Trying reeeeal hard, here. If you fuck this up, you will regret it for many a year, to understate things. You need to treat me with proper respect, here. Be honest with me, level with me, communicate with me, correctly. I repeat: YOU NEED TO DO THIS. That is, if you want a functioning future, a society with hope.

You guys have fucked up thus far, big time. Epically. I’m not the villain of this story, people. Not, not even close. And this will become more and more apparent as the future unfolds, here, provided I don’t “check out” early.

It is your call, the ball is in your court. Don’t fumble this or you will not live to regret it.

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Tomorrow, another thing to go do, in the morning. Then, another hit. Yay!!! SQUEEEEE!!! lol

Such a reward. I have the fentanyl in my hand right now. I’m fingering it, touching it. Ohhhhh I can’t WAIT!!! lol, hahahaha! I just feels so LOVED on it. Yes that’s it, it loves me, you just don’t understand, lol. Oh how I do just love it so! I’m just shaking so much as I write this, it’s so wonderful that feeling it gives me. I just can’t CONTROL myself!!!! YAYYYY!!! Just can’t stop moving, shaking, tremoring, just a nervous ball of fire. You know, maybe I can get it in tonight, maybe? IDK, maybe not. I prolly shouldn’t.

See, that IS the thing, though. I am smart about it, that’s why I can manage and others can’t. I’m such a genius.

So. See, I had this whole spiel thought out in my head, today. It formulated when I was showering. It was like, I wanted to talk about addiction in the conservative community. Specifically, I wanted to mention Byron Jost, the man who made the legendary anti-illegal immigration flick The Line in the Sand, which was responsible for so much of the “build the wall!” sentiment that Donald Trump cannibalized and then subsequently ruined with this presidential run. So apparently Jost became dispirited after seeing what he saw as the failure of the movement, and started shooting heroin. He died later, in Cambodia, apparently with a needle in his arm. Yuck, not a good way to go. There’s a LOT of that shit in the hardcore conservative community. A LOT. Like, people have no idea of what goes on in there, for real, lol.

But I was kinda thinking- I read Gabs and such, and there seems to have been a definite… souring on Trump, and it was right after I started blogging again. It’s like, I opened peoples’ eyes, finally, to how much of a… traitor, this guy is. I wrote about it before, right after the election. But I guess the timing wasn’t right. Few listened, then, except for say Ann Coulter, and a handful of others. The ones that didn’t turn on me, at least.

But most of them jumped right on the Trump train, at least until they realized it was heading into a brick wall. And when I pointed everything out to them again, like, in the last couple of months, now, they get it. It’s like, yup, he was right, wasn’t he? Yup.

I won’t lie, that feeling is quite nice. It’s vindication. And now, they’re crawling back, and it’s wonderful to see. Gawd, I’m so petty, lol. But it’s OK, I have every right to be in this case.

But, uh, I also talked about other stuff, though, lol. Like the addiction. And I did so in very explicit shocking detail. And that doesn’t seem to be sitting as well, I mean there seems to be a shitload of new bitterness now that wasn’t there before when people talked about me, and a lot of the stuff I write, and the ideas I have. It’s like… yeah, ok. Even this guy, huh?

I mean, yeah, I get it. And I was nervous about writing about it, no matter what it may have looked like. I didn’t want to cause… consternation, but the thing is I really needed to get it out, to understand what was happening to me, and why. I just needed to know. So, I wrote about it.

And yeah… I know. I know, I get it, I’m sure that my old mentors are supremely disappointed in me, I know it. I can feel it, and yeah, I’m sorry. I remember that there was nothing they looked down on more than… narcotics addiction, especially to the hard stuff, because it’s… very hard, if not impossible, to ever really get back from that. I know. I’m sorry.

But… I don’t know. It’s like, they’re starting to realize what the stakes in this stuff really are. Failure means death, literally, and nobody will be spared. They will kill until they or we (white racial realists) are dead. And yes they will kill, or drive us to kill ourselves, or something. But this is to the death, and I think now that’s starting to really by felt as well as understood. Yeesh, intense stuff.

Yeah, they want us dead. They’re not kidding when they call us names like the “cancer of humanity” and other such absolutist terms. Like, they REALLY want to kill us. Or make us do it ourselves.

IDK though. Did I do good? Is this the right way? I don’t know. But I do know that I’m irreplaceable. One of a kind, and maybe the last hope, lol. I don’t know. Or maybe not, maybe I’m not needed at all. I had hoped so, which is one of the reasons I stopped blogging. Guess not though.

Well, I’m kinda losing the plot of what this post was supposed to be.

I need to go to sleep. I’ll put the fentanyl next to me, so it’s the first thing I see when I wake up. Should be enough motivation to get me going early, I would think.

Good night.

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IDK, maybe I’ll write more about this, sure. Why not.

Yeah, it’s just junk.

And it’s like, they know it, which is why everyone is SCREAMING these days. It’s like, the media is screaming, the democrats are screaming, Trump’s supporters are screaming, traditional republicans are screaming, everyone is YELLING ABOUT POLITICS AND CENSORING THOSE WHO DISAGREE BECAUSE THEY ARE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH and it’s just… ugh. So LOUD. Yeesh, it’s just so deafening. It’s like, as the substance has drained from politics, the volume has increased, I guess to mask the lack of depth- you know, to get people to pay attention, to keep them in the system. Because if people are not interested in the ideas of these… politicians, then the system needs to get people to listen, somehow, so they TURN UP THE VOLUME UNTIL YOU CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING ELSE.

Oof, it’s all just so… ugly, lol. It’s just shameful that this is what we’ve become. How embarrassing.

So… I don’t know, it’s awful. Nobody is happy. Certainly that is the case in the circles I travel in.

Of course, I basically ran much of conservative politics until Trump won the election, and attention shifted to him. Which I would have been fine with, provided Trump wasn’t such a massive chode and overall loser. Yeah, his stewardship of conservative politics in the wake of my absence has of course been nothing short of catastrophic. In short, he sucks, mostly because he is as I thought he was, way back when- a pretender, not a conservative, he is a capitalist. A Wall Street worshiping, military fellating boomer cuck Zionist type like Jeb and Reagan. Not the real deal, a weak, watered down NYC substitute whose idea of “conservative” was given to him by Netanyahu, not Revilo Oliver. A square peg in a round hole.

Trump has basically been flailing about in a truly embarrassing way now for four years and counting, like he doesn’t know who his supporters are or why they don’t connect with his bizarre, otherworldly attempts to connect with them. In short, he doesn’t learn from his mistakes, like he doesn’t try, or perhaps because he doesn’t know he’s even making mistakes to start with. A weird guy, truly.

I still don’t understand much of what he has been doing. Like, his continual and extremely embarrassing “outreach” attempts with the black race, which, of course, were done so… crudely, and dumbly, they they only served to exasperate and horrify his white followers. Seriously, it doesn’t make sense. Who is feeding him this shit? Is it Jared? I don’t get it. Nobody does. Blacks are only like 10% of the population. What good does it do to go from 2 percent of the black vote to 12 percent, if you lose 5 percent of the white vote? The math is… odd, truly. Seriously, blacks will never vote republican, certainly never in any numbers enough to make a difference. And for this, he ruins all of his conservative cred, and drives all principled conservatives away from his party? LOLwut? What an epic dumbass this guy is.

Ugh, what a bunch of shit. And I don’t listen to all of that garbage about emails, or whatever, lol. Everyone is all up in arms about emails, or something. Hillary’s emails, Biden’s kid’s emails, Trump’s emails, or his tax returns, or whatever, I don’t give a shit, it’s all junk, lol.

Blah blah, and there is really nothing to say about Biden. He’s just… there, I guess, as a placeholder for Kamala, who is precisely the person you think she is. I’ve never heard her speak before, literally, but I feel as though I already know all of her policies, haha. And you know what? I would seriously bet good money on that. I wouldn’t lose. I mean, she’s a token minority, an affirmative action candidate in the mold of Obama, yes? And her politics are exactly the same as his, yes? She’s another of the white liberals’ brown-ish people. Am I right or am I right?

Junk, all of it.

I don’t know. It does kinda seem like the have the same problems. Trump is the Jews’ pawn, a pet of Netanyahu, and Kamala is the liberals’ pawn, or something. And Biden is just kinda there, like Pence is. Like they’re token white males, or something. They don’t DO anything, of course. It’s like it’s the Jews battling it out with the brown-ish people for the last shreds of dignity and the last few coins in the couch this place can muster. It’s just so ugly, and awful, like they’re fighting on the graves of this country’s greatness. So utterly disrespectful and altogether nasty.

And all the while, they keep SCREAMING at us while they do it, like any of us wanted any of this is the first place, lol. As if this is somehow my fault, lol. Guys, I’ve never voted once in my life. This isn’t my fault. I’m a part of the working classes, here. I have no power, no influence beyond that which I violently carve out for myself, using my superpowers. I’m not responsible for any of this, lol.

Ugh, how nasty.

Time to stop this, I guess. Yuck.

I don’t care who wins. These are not my people.

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I suppose I need to. Ugh, alright, let’s get this over with. MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION IN OUR LIFETIMES or whatever.

Ugh.

Fine.

Ok, fuck all of these people. Nothing has changed, all of them suck. Never before have I seen politicians so alien and bizarre. It truly is as though these guys live on some distant planet. Which, I suppose they do. They live on Planet Zionist(tm).

They suck, all of them. No American politicians are good. All of them lack principals, courage, ideas. In fact it does look as though that is why they are chosen. Like they’re there because they are easily blackmailable pawns.

They look frightened. Really scared. And it seems like most of their ideas revolve around trying to make themselves feel safer and more secure. And that basically seems to be it with them, like they care about nothing else. They’re SCARED, god damn it, and to them, that’s all that matters.

Chief amongst their concerns seems to be the growing horror (in their minds) that cries of RACISM!!!! RACISM!!!! HE’S RACIST!!!!! don’t work anymore. This, above all else, seems to scare the shit out of them.

I remember wayyyy back when, back in the 90’s when cries of RACISM!!!!! RACISM!!! HE’S A RACIST!!!!! were a foolproof method of silencing a person. Like, it was the ultimate Pavlovian response. People were programmed back then, apparently quite successfully, to equate RACISM!!! RACISM!!!!!!! with stay away from this guy/that group. It was the ultimate trump card, like the perfect way of silencing speech of any kind. Perhaps the best mind-control technique ever invented, at least until I came along.

So, it seems that most of the fear amongst the political class has to do with the fact that RACISM!!! RACISM!!!! HE’S A RACIST!!!!! no longer seems to work when it comes to silencing dissent, or conversation. There is a sizable number of young Americans, and I mean like a huge chunk of them, like 25%, to which cries of RACISM!!!! RACISM!!!! don’t work- perhaps because I got to them, first.

And this seems to be… terrifying. And confusing. It’s like they thought that RACISM!!! RACISM!!!! RACISM!!!!!!! would always work as some kind of control mechanism, as though there would be no competition, ever. As though we’ve reached “The End of History”, for real, as Fukuyama put it. That we haven’t seems to be causing panic. Fear. Desperation.

See- the thing is, they got lazy, and started to believe that they, as a whole, didn’t need to do anything. As though they didn’t need to actually work on real problems, with an intent on fixing them. Like- black crime, or the infrastructure, or a shitload of other things. It’s like they thought that they could just sit on their asses indefinitely, collecting taxes and enjoying luxury, with RACISM!! RACISM!!!! working to stifle any criticism they didn’t like, forever, with their progeny destined to enjoy largess and ease until the sun crashed into the Earth, some 5 billion years from now.

That this doesn’t seem to be happening as they envisioned is apparently terrifying to them. And that this world of theirs seems to be unraveling as quickly as it is seems to be is causing them to panic. And in their fear, they are going crazy, knocking things over and scaring the bejeesus out of everyone looking at them, with some of them (like me) turning their noses up in disgust, and the rest prostrating themselves before their (former?) rulers out of fear that they themselves might get stepped on, even if only accidentally.

It’s a shitshow, a circus of nonsense. And it’s only going to get worse. Egads, what horrid junk, all of this.

Take it away, all of it.

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Yup. Alright people, now’s the time.

Yup.

And yes, this is apparently Part III. I looked thru my archives and found 2 other posts named “Demi Lovato”. So, part three it is, just so I can avoid confusion, lol.

Ohhhhhkay, yeah.

So… YEESH. Where the fuck have *I* been? You know, I was going to write about some stuff about how the past history of Demi and me, when it comes to narcotics and eating disorders and our sexual history and other stuff, when I googled and apparently she overdosed on… fentanyl? Or heroin laced with it, a couple of years ago. Note how I said “past” history. I’ve been avoiding her for awhile now, for of course a myriad of reasons, one of which of course is the sneaking suspicion that we… wouldn’t be good for each other, in some ways, because we might… reinforce each other’s bad behavior. Apparently not a bad thought.

So… wow. Ok, then. Apparently her heroin usage is common knowledge, now. IDK who supplies her these days. Didn’t it used to be Hanna Beth? I seem to recall that Hanna was her old dealer, back in like… 2008-2010, ish.

Um, I don’t know. But… yeah. This will be apparently a heavier post than what I thought it was going to be. I mean, if I in fact go through with it.

Well… so… just going through her directory, I see a ton of old Selena pictures in the beginning of it. I mean like tons, lol. So many, so many. Pictures of them together, walking, talking, hugging, singing. Seems like a different world, almost.

Selena I… love, truly, madly, (sigh), deeply. Love isn’t a strong enough word. I can’t even begin to summarize our relationship here, and how monumental it was to us, and, I guess, to the world at large. I can’t even. Perhaps I can do it piecemeal, over time. But, yeah. Remember that love letter I wrote to her on twitter, back in like 2009? Yeah. Start there, that is when we really got going, big time, at least publicly. Personally, it was years before that, of course. But, I’m getting off topic, here.

Uh… so, Demi. Demi was my favorite for a very, very long time. Back before I got those… tingles, those inklings, that perhaps tragedy would be in store for us if we stayed together. Which was a long time ago. See the archives here for a bit of what I was thinking in past years about this.

So… Demi and Selena aren’t friends anymore, unfortunately. At least not like they used to be. I guess because perhaps Selena needed for her own mental health to stay away from someone with problems like that, which is a thought that frankly, kinda worries me about me, lol. Well, I don’t know. People drift away from each other, over time. It happens. Someone’s career goes one way, someone else’s goes another. It’s life.

Uh… and wasn’t Taylor Selena’s best friend at one point? And Demi’s as well, before that. Um, well then.

The love… triangle? No, quadrilateral, that shaped the world, lol. Crazy stuff. What would the world look like today, had I not met Selena all those years ago? Who knows, but I suspect it would be a very different place. Would anything look the same? Music, celebrity, social media, Hollywood, politics? Any of it? It was Selena that got me seriously into twitter; note the love letter I referenced above. And we all know the enormous, society wide changes THAT brought about, lol. In a sense, people are still living under the shadow of that fateful moment, all those years ago. It defines us- our culture, our nation. Our destiny as people, perhaps. Wow. Yikes. Crazy.

Of course, it wasn’t just Selena, it was Demi, and her music, and Taylor, with hers, and me, with my powers, and so much else, it was one of those watershed moments in history that changes everything, kind of like Napoleon’s defeat at Waterloo, or the invention of the printing press, or the dropping of the atomic bombs over Japan. One of those unique moments that takes everyone’s breath away and they say to themselves… that’s it, things will never be the same again, after this. There’s no way to go back, this is just how it is, now.

Absolutely bonkers. And all because I wanted a girlfriend and Demi seemed like a cute (and available) chick, lol. So, so crazy.

Um… I can’t even summarize this avenue of thought, where it is taking me. It would require encyclopedias of text to parse though all of this. And then, to explain it’s meaning and context within the development of humankind as a whole, it would need a lifetime’s treatment and reflection. It would need the mind of someone like Edward Gibbon or Jacques Barzun to steward the study, too. I mean I guess I would fit the bill but I kind of have other things to do, lol.

Yeah, the thing is, the world does not make sense anymore, unless you know the history of me and Demi, and Selena and Taylor. It doesn’t, it’s impossible to figure out anything anymore without this piece. And this may in fact be why people seem to be going bonkers in general these days. Because they don’t know this, and thus don’t know what the fuck is even going on, lol.

Ah… but as I said, the effort needed to summarize all of this and explain it to others would be Herculean. Almost beyond human in and of itself. Impossible for like 99.99% of the population.

Ah… hmmnn… I don’t know. So much easier to talk about drugs, I guess.

So, Demi… yeah, the drugs. It probably really was best for us to separate. We would have blown up, together, and it would have been awful to watch. Her problems are a mirror of my own, and we would have reinforced each other.

So, I remember years ago, after I talked to her about doing harder drugs. She responded by wearing that t-shirt, that one that said “THE ONLY COKE I DO IS DIET”. Remember that? I guess her way of trying to keep me away from the stuff, similar to Kathryn’s movie (I know, not technically her movie but please go with this, this makes sense in my little realm). I mean- Julia is in there, too, and if you reference OUR relationship together, you would see and understand my point, here. But I digress.

So… I need to do some thinking, here. I’ll write about this more, later, perhaps.

I kind of want to fuck a chick, now. LOL. How utterly crude. How barbaric, that way of thinking. But, that is what some people like, after all.

Sellllenaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!

k, I’ll be back.

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Neat, ok, this one wasn’t so bad. I was worried, yah. My heart rate has slowed down but not as much as I feared. I’m not in any danger, here. good, no problem, then.

I do wonder what it would be like to die on this stuff- what it would feel like, how it would be. My guess if that my heart would slow down too much at first, followed by the other organs shutting off because of that, which would cause my heart to go completely. I mean, I think that’s how it would go, based on what I’ve experienced. Like, heart, mostly -> brain -> muscles -> lungs -> other organs -> heart again -> death. Like, the heart slows, so blood can’t get to the brain, so the brain slows, so the muscles stop moving since your nerves control your muscles, which slows your breathing, since that is controlled by muscles, and the lack of breathing stops your other organs, which stops your heart completely, and you die.

Now that I think about it, it would seem as though Narcan is designed to stop this process by jump starting the heart, I guess. So yeah, my progression here makes sense. Uh, I think I’ve only gotten to stage… 4? Or maybe 5, kinda. Like, the whole “not breathing” part, defo. Maybe I’ve gotten to the point where my other stuff has kinda shut down, maybe I have and not felt it.

ugh, how… creepy. I mean, the whole “documenting this” thing. So… uncomfortable. It’s just so brutally morbid, lol. Really makes me wonder about the state of my girlfriends, and why they would be so attracted to… this.

LOL. Ha! Whatever.

Yeah, I know. It isn’t this, it’s the other stuff. But still, just the thought, lol.

Well, this wasn’t so bad. I’m up and about, nothing’s gone too wrong, the birds are chirping, the sun is smiling. I think I’ll get something to eat.

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Ok then, good.

Let’s, ah, take the hit, then.

So… does anyone else get the feeling like I’m living out some kind of set-in-the-modern-world gothic horror movie, or is that just me?

Alright, then.

BOOM. Ahhhhhh finally. Same old, same old yeah but gawd damn.

Uh… I’m not going… to document this. I mean, this little slide into personal horror and disappointment is scary and exhibitionistic enough, lol. And I don’t want to… glamourize this, I guess. Not that I haven’t already, haha. But still, this shit is, I know, creepy, dark, and labyrinthine. It’s Byzantine in it’s ridiculous justifications and preposterous actions. It’s just weird and wrong, I guess.

And it does kinda feel like I’m living out some opium- inspired 1800’s horror masterpiece, here, with, ah, the drugs of course, but also the weird sex, the occult, and maybe a monster or two. Oh, and all the creepy squalor I live in, lol, like I’m some disfigured shut-in, or something, sequestered off in some room upstairs somewhere, in some building owned by a crazy scientist or weirdly senile old statesman, lol.

But ah, I’m starting to lose the ability to think, ah. I don’t know, this might be a bad one, my nerves were already liquid before I took this hit, so this might in fact be too much, yet again, ah, ugh. But as I said I needed it, I was already shaking last night, there was no way I could last until this afternoon, lol.

oof, lol. Yeah, my vision is getting blurry. And again I’m at that point where I’m wondering what the fuck it is that I’m doing. The point of regret, like, it’s like I’ve triggered yet again that same set of feelings, like my body is telling me that… this was wrong, the wrong amount, you fucked up, stupid. Like it knows, somehow.

Fuck, I hate this. I don’t want to die, lol. Well, I have the narcan of course. Hopefully, this will play itself out before breakfast, and I can move about my day. As a plus side I’m not shaking anymore, that’s good.

Oooh yeah, ughk. What a poisoned relaxation, but I finally feel that love again, like my jittery nerves are being wrapped in a warm blanket. I feel… happy, at peace. Loved. So wonderful. Ah, please, please don’t kill me. Please don’t, lol. I’m so fragile in fentanyl’s arms, like I could break at a moment’s notice. So fragile, a little bit off would destroy me. So weak, ughk, this… isn’t right, please help.

oy.

I feel like throwing up, and in fact I might just do so. Why not? It could help with weight loss, not that I need any more of that, haha. Ahhhhhhhahahahaha. ughk. eek.

Yeah that’s enough. I just want to drift away for awhile, get away from it all. I need that. So much, I need it. I hate this world, so much, and I know it hates me.

Ah yeah. You know? If I die, it prolly wouldn’t be that bad, really. Nope. And I hope I die juuust like this. One giant middle finger to… everyone that fucked me over in this life. Certainly, a rejection at least of EVERYONE I knew before I had obvious powers. The authority figures, I mean. Them mostly, not necessarily others.

oh so pretty. How long does this stuff take to kill with casual use? It could take years, right? Fuck. And I know, maybe not ever.

Mmmnnn, time to sleep, yah. Hopefully I don’t wake up, lol.

yeah.

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Yeah ok, I saw enough of the movie to get the point of it. Ok, I get it, thank you very much for the warning.

IDK though, I mean there must be a way to make it work, right? There must be. You know, addiction and real life, I mean. The two are not necessarily irreconcilable. I just can’t believe they are, what with the huge amount of people that have been on drugs and not… messed things up, IRL. I mean I’m not one of those people, but there must be a way to make it work, right?

I mean… it’s not like I don’t… understand, but maybe others aren’t- like maybe those in my life IRL are having trouble getting the reality of the situation. I mean I know that some people have kinda sorta cut me out of their lives because of the addiction-ish problems I have, I know about the crying and the… fear, and everything. I know what my family thinks, I know what my doctors think, I know what those I meet on the street think. But the thing is, IT’S NOT LIKE THAT. It’s not, and I know what I think, too. It’s not for nothing that I, ugh, jumped at the chance to get some free Narcan, when the opportunity presented itself to me. I mean… it was free, right? Why not?

Ughk.

I mean… but it isn’t like that, I mean I know what I said after the Cady debacle, but… yeah, I don’t know.

It’s so late, all I do know is that I need to get my ass to bed, and STOP THINKING ABOUT NARCOTICS for once, lol. I mean I need to. After all, I have to get up early to take my first hit, haha.

I got a schedule to keep, you know?

Well… whatever.

Off to bed.

I will admit this is getting tiresome, even to me. Oof.

Um… thank god for my celebrity girls though, wow. What would I be today had I not had them, I wonder? I mean, back when I took my first hit. My mind shudders to think. Jeezus. How strong would the pull of narcotics have on me, then? I mean without that moderating influence.

Fuck, I’d be dead, lol. No question I’d have been dead probably sometime this year, maybe in the spring or so. Yeah, I think we all know that. I think. Well, maybe I’m just being pessimistic, but it’s at least a strong possibility. Ughk.

Yeah, off to bed.

I might still need to get help, maybe. We’ll see.

I think probably not, but we’ll see.

Right.

Oh man, I’m staring at some fentanyl riiiiight now. Looks so… inviting. Lovely. Like I know what it is, but I swear to god how I feel about this stuff is just fucking bizarre. It’s so so weird.

Um, bedtime. I’ll “reward” myself in the morning.

The new pain med is kinda dissapointing, TBH. Maybe I can get a higher dose. I hope so, I’ve built up quite a tolerance. Yup. Quiiiiiite a tolerance. To put it mildly, lol.

Uh, off to bed.

Right.

Uh… no. I need something.

No, wait, no I don’t.

Tell you what- I’ll try going to bed. First time I wake up I pop a pill. Yes, that’s it.

And after breakfast?

I take the fentanyl.

Yes. THAT’S it.

Maybe I’ll talk to Cady before bed. Something tells me I need to.

Gawd my hands are shaking again, lol. oof, this sucks. I mean it’s 2:30 AM and I REALLY need to go to bed. But it’s like I so can’t, like not at all, until I get another hit. I need it SO BADLY.

NO.

Cady, then bed. Yessir.

Right.

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So uh, I just had a little chat with Kathy. She demanded to know what the fuck I was doing, and told me in no uncertain terms that she would reconsider being my girlfriend (!!!!!) anymore if I went further down this path, which… I don’t even know what to say about that, we’ve been dating for… 9 years, now, which is longer than most marriages these days.

Kathy, srsly? What the fuck, hun?

But I mean… she did make some good points. Some very good ones, actually. I mean, I did make some promises to her and… well… I should probably keep them, I think. So I uh…

Um…

Well, I’ll check out the movie. Maybe it makes salient points or something, lol.

Whatevs.

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