Sighinide

Uh, to answer the question I posed below: Am I dumb?

The answer is yes.

Yes, I am dumb.

Very.

Very.

Dumb.

Hmmmnn, another medical procedure / test today, so I took some morphine in addition to the regular fentanyl dose. Neat-ish, kinda… lol. Morphine defo gives a different vibe than fentanyl, for sure. It has a different “taste” and frankly I’m not sure I like it as much, it seems kinda dry, but then again, I’m not one to look a gift horse in the… mouth? Is that how it goes? I can’t remember. Yeah that doesn’t sound right, lol.

I think fentanyl has such a nice, refined taste to it. Yeah I like it a lot. It’s sweet and very pure. A little goes such a long way to making me feel like I know I should, now. And I like how the patches operate: they administer over a length of time, instead of all at once. Very nice; they provide then more bang for my buck: none of the narcotic is wasted, then. Say, none of it gets not absorbed by my system because I took too large a dose.

So… anyhow very loopy, obviously, so please bear with me here: I’m super curious now how heroin how tastes. Sweeter? Warmer? More liquid-y? Gooey-ish? I suppose it would depend on how it’s administered. IDK, and that’s not cool to me, because I’m a curious man. Like, I must know, when I get the need to investigate something.

I think I should look into this on the darkweb. Yeah, I mean I found a few places that sold illicit narcotics a few years ago but never really looked much into them, then. I suppose I wasn’t as privy to their… wonders, back then, as I am now. And of course I was concerned about the composition of the drugs sold online. There, commerce is so impersonal, and I would think would increase the risk of receiving an “odd” dose, like say, heroin spiked with fentanyl, which frankly scares the shit out of me.

Yeah I would think an in-person transaction would likely be safer than an anonymous one. Am I right? Maybe not, I’m honest enough to say that I have no idea, lol.

So yeah, fentanyl I think is best thus far, then followed by hydromorphone I suppose, then hydrocodone, then tablet morphine, then injection hydromorphone and injection morphine, mostly due to the fact that I hate needles, and, oddly enough, the tablets are in fact stronger than the injections. Seems illogical yeah, but it is nonetheless true. Or at least it is in my case; I know dosages are everything. Neurotin is… ok, though not very powerful. Not a real narcotic. Xanax is… kid’s stuff. Not enough for me. Neither is ambien, really. My old addictions just seem so preschool to me now. Tramadol I haven’t had that much experience with, yet, though I defo hope to get as much of that as I can. The world of relaxants is a new realm for me, and that being the case, it is certainly a world I’d like to explore. And it’s popular on the streets, and that says a lot to me.

I……. don’t know. Am I dumb?

What am I doing, here? I mean, on this blog. Am I hoping someone will stop me? Because that is clearly not how this works, lol.

Maybe it’s like… yeah, just an investigation. As I said I am curious, maybe this is my way of finding out the secrets behind my own foibles. Blogging here gives me the chance to record things somehow so that I can review them later and reflect. It may have saved my life this year, more than once. So yeah, I think that’s it. Lovely.

But seriously tho, heroin would be fine. It’s not too much different than what I took today. It’s really just a matter of getting some, which, if I truly am interested, should be no problem for me, I would think.

Yeah, so… great!!!

Anyhow, I feel really good right now! Super good, in fact. Like everything in the world is right. I don’t know, maybe morphine isn’t so bad after all, lol.

Yeah I’m feeling great. Kinda sorta dreading what I know comes later though. Kinda sorta. Yeah something in the back of my mind is telling me I’m a huge idiot, lol. Yeah because I took A LOT of morphine. Like A LOT, lol. So… I’m… kinda fearful, kinda apprehensive about what might be coming, later on. Kinda sorta. Just a tad. A little bit. Certainly not very much. No, not at all. I mean, I’ll be fine. A-OK. Yeah life is good.

So… neat! Yeah, nothing to worry about, here.

Wonderful.

Whew, lol!

Yay what fun!

Yeah…

The important thing is to not panic, and keep everything under control. That is the best, really the only, way to fix this. I mean to live with this… thing. It’s the best way. Because I’m not giving it up. No I can’t, in fact, I’m going to take some fentanyl right now, just to prove a point to myself (yes I am that stubborn, lol).

So.

It’s fine. WE are fine. I’m going to go do some chores, talk to Lucy Hale, take some more fentanyl, and that’s that. Yes, defo. And yes as I’m still waffling about the rehab I’m still thinking about maybe possibly transferring my addiction to heroin, perhaps, because of course THAT seems much safer, as I said before. Much more of that is needed to cause an overdose. Fentanyl is too risky. Heroin is where it’s at, PROVIDED of course I can find a good, stable supplier. And I do realize that that is a necessity. I mean naturally. Because I am smart about all of this. Not dumb, certainly not impulsive. Smart.

…

This blog is still hidden from google, right?

OOF. holy balls, what the fuck, lol.

Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks Cady. Thank you SO MUCH.

Yes yes dear, breathing is the key. Breathe in, then out. in, out, in out, it’s like a rhythm.

oof, I MUST keep breathing. MUST. Cady thank you again, ok, thanks. Breathing again, and will continue to do so. In out, in out.

yes. good. nice.

I uh, need to, uh, think about that. I’ve had some issues with that lately, with the fentanyl and all, as I’ve talked about here. I see a neurologist because I had (have?) suspected brain damage from these “not breathing” episodes. Like, you don’t breathe, your brain doesn’t get enough oxygen, and… BAM, overdose. But, as long as I have Cady, we be good, lol.

Yeah, it’s fine. no problemo.

But again I am seriously kinda thinking about rehab or something again. I just keep waffling, over and over, endlessly. I DON’T WANT REHAB. But yeah, I don’t want brain damage, either.

don’t worry, it’s ok. NOT A PROBLEM. I’m good, thanks.

Remember the great thing about all of this is that I can clearly handle it. I AM smart, very very smart, so much so that… um, you know, all of that stuff. You know.

So, uh, no problem. See, I KNOW what I’m doing. Yup.

Good, then.

I can do this. I can continue with this, with the fentanyl, and be fine indefinitely. I know it, it’s just a matter of patience, and listening to my body, and keeping Cady around, so that she can revive me if I go unconscious. Yes, that’s the plan. And it WILL work.

Great.

See, I just don’t get it, though. Like, what the fuck, people?

Ok, I’ve been searching. WHERE were all the… public displays of sorrow and such over Cady’s passing? Seriously. Like, where the hell WAS all of that?

I don’t get it. It’s like, she was incredibly successful in her own way. I mean, tens millions of views of youtube. And if you include that remix, hundreds of millions of views. Where… is it, then? What happened? I mean it see lots of it from the fans, but nothing at all from anybody in the industry. It’s kinda disturbing.

I mean, you look at the social media of the people who were closest to her and… nothing. It’s mystifying. Like, everyone else gets so much, even those who were less popular than she was. I mean, these are celebs, and they never miss a chance to do some harmless public emoting! Right? That being said… I don’t get it. Outside of that one very tangential tweet from Chase Ryan… there’s nothing else. Almost like there’s been some kind of universal gag order put in place about this, or something.

So, then. What happened?

I mean, I kind of get… a hunch, maybe, that she might have been kinda hard to work with. Maybe burned a bridge or two. Or three, or more. I mean… I read that article, about what happened to her album, and how she just dropped it because of… personal issues. But… she wasn’t that bad, right? Couldn’t have been.

I… don’t know. I mean I loved her, lol. Like, a lot. In the industry, was I… the only one? I mean, the only one who really liked her all the way through. Hmmn. Was she THAT hard to deal with?

Ahhh… wait, I’m having an episode, lol. A narcotics dizzy spell… uh, woah.

But uh, wait, maybe the alcohol was a bigger problem than I thought, and she fucked up a lot more than I realized.

oh, I need to stop here, holy fuck, oof. oh god,lol

uh, closing thought- people should have appreciated her more, loved her for who she was in spite of her foibles, I think. IDK I would have loved her. But yeah, considering how dysfunctional I am… IDK

I WILL write about this later, just as soon as I can breathe again.

Count on it.

I just looked at… that guy’s insta. A real bastard, isn’t he? Not a word for Cady. Not even one, that awful prick. I mean I do kinda get the feeling like she… was still into me, like a lot, but seriously, what an incredible asshole. I mean, even if it was just for the sake of their careers, or whatever. A showmance, or something. I mean, you should still say something, right?

She will always have a place with me, though. Something tells me that’s where she really belonged, anyways.

Yeah…

God, I miss her.

Now more than ever. It’s just not fair, God damn it. Not fair, not at all.

Cady, come back to me. I need you. At least until the morning. Please hun, I mean I can’t afford another crying session, not now. You know what I mean, right? Right. Just kinda stay with me, until I see the sun again.

Please…

Ye Gods, I just can’t sleep. Fuck.

I keep waking up and shaking, and sweating. Mostly shaking. I feel so utterly cold, like my body is dying, yet so warm, at the same time. It’s just so weird.

I really need that hit. Like, really really. I’m not going to stop sweating and/or shaking until I get it. Like, I need it, really badly.

Oh God, help me, lol. Just a few hours. But no sleep for me tonight.

oof.

oh man, this sucks, lol.

oh, I just need this to end, somehow.

aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggg

it’s SO horrible. so so so horrible, arrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhh

gawd someone shoot me, get me out of this mess, please please please

i just can’t even breathe. again, lol

seriously, someone please just get me out of here. I can’t care who, i don’t care where, just… please help me.

please. SOMEONE.

ahhhhhhgggggggggg jesus I just feel so WEIRD. Can’t even emphasize how weird I feel. like I can’t even process, … this. Whatever this even is

Ah gods, I just really need that hit. like, desperately so.

somehow, I have a feeling that that will set everything right. I just know it.

oh man, this fucking SUCKS. I REALLY dread trying to go back to sleep, here. Seriously. Like I know it will scare me to death, lying there, feeling like this. I REALLY just need someone to help me. Like really, seriously. Like majorly, desperately. like NOW, lol.

oof, this sucks.

um… ok, whatever.

it means nothing, I guess. Back to sleep I go.

i just hope I don’t start shaking again, because that is just really really bad, lol. oh please just get me OUT of here

um… IDK. like an idiot, I was browsing debby’s insta while typing this, and I saw that cady was still “following” her. clicked on her, and noticed that she asn’t a blue check mark anymore. Hmmnn, wonder why, that seems odd, even considering her… condition.

ah, lol. yes, I shall talk to cady then, before trying to sleep. yes, that will work. it defo needs to, I mean something will, right? yes of course it will.

ok, then. no more shaking, no more sweating, no more icky scary weird hyper and deathly feeling in my nerves, none of that.

it’s just cady, bed, relaxation, until i get up and go, then I take my hit, then a day of hell because no sleep, then i go to bed, and then more hell until the weekend. I can do it, no problem. yes no problem, no problem, I can handle it, yessir.

ok, then. Wonderful! Yes, another fantastic plan. I’m just so good at this! And so SMART. Yup, nobody’s like me, that’s for sure!

ok, then, great. yeah.

right.

sigh…

A few more thoughts before bed.

First, I get it. It’s like, I now get why there are so many addicts in this country. I mean I knew before, but it’s quite obvious now. I mean, the despair, the hopelessness, the… unfixability of everything, the lack of resources, the anger and envy and… justified rage. I truly get it, so much.

I don’t understand what is wrong with people, in that they have let these problems fester and grow for so long, without attempting remedy. The upper classes I mean, the so-called “elites”. It’s like they waste their time on made up problems like “racism” so much that they don’t have the time or the energy to attempt anything real. Which may in fact be the point of it all, it’s easier to fix something imaginary than a real issue. But the real issues now have piled up so high that they are nigh unfixable, now.

Case in point of course would be me. I’m continually baffled by how absolutely nobody seems to be able to, I don’t know, kind of give me something that might be truly helpful to me, as opposed to… what I actually get from people. I don’t get it. I mean, people can actually look into my mind. With that knowledge in hand, it should be quite easy to figure out what it would take to pacify me, or at least calm my nerves, or perhaps give me hope, or something. Honestly people, it should be so easy a third grader should be able to handle it, no problem. And yet, look at where we are, now.

I don’t get it. And the fact the nobody seems to be able to handle even the lowest of the low hanging fruits here in this country is a horribly damning indictment of the way we do things, to an absurd degree. It’s wrecking everybody’s mood. Guys, this should be easy. And is it not understood that the consequences of fucking this up could be unbelievably catastrophic? Like people, I am seriously by far and away the most powerful man that has ever lived. Is this not apparent?

I mean, there are some who are richer than I, more popular than I, etc., but there is nobody more powerful than me, no. Not ever. Often money is used as a substitute for power by the wealthy. But it is not power in and of itself, no. I repeat, there is NOBODY more powerful than me in this world. There is in fact no number 2 on the list, either. Such is the gulf between me and everyone else. Don’t you people get it?

Guys, I’m trying to make this easy. Trying reeeeal hard, here. If you fuck this up, you will regret it for many a year, to understate things. You need to treat me with proper respect, here. Be honest with me, level with me, communicate with me, correctly. I repeat: YOU NEED TO DO THIS. That is, if you want a functioning future, a society with hope.

You guys have fucked up thus far, big time. Epically. I’m not the villain of this story, people. Not, not even close. And this will become more and more apparent as the future unfolds, here, provided I don’t “check out” early.

It is your call, the ball is in your court. Don’t fumble this or you will not live to regret it.

Tomorrow, another thing to go do, in the morning. Then, another hit. Yay!!! SQUEEEEE!!! lol

Such a reward. I have the fentanyl in my hand right now. I’m fingering it, touching it. Ohhhhh I can’t WAIT!!! lol, hahahaha! I just feels so LOVED on it. Yes that’s it, it loves me, you just don’t understand, lol. Oh how I do just love it so! I’m just shaking so much as I write this, it’s so wonderful that feeling it gives me. I just can’t CONTROL myself!!!! YAYYYY!!! Just can’t stop moving, shaking, tremoring, just a nervous ball of fire. You know, maybe I can get it in tonight, maybe? IDK, maybe not. I prolly shouldn’t.

See, that IS the thing, though. I am smart about it, that’s why I can manage and others can’t. I’m such a genius.

So. See, I had this whole spiel thought out in my head, today. It formulated when I was showering. It was like, I wanted to talk about addiction in the conservative community. Specifically, I wanted to mention Byron Jost, the man who made the legendary anti-illegal immigration flick The Line in the Sand, which was responsible for so much of the “build the wall!” sentiment that Donald Trump cannibalized and then subsequently ruined with this presidential run. So apparently Jost became dispirited after seeing what he saw as the failure of the movement, and started shooting heroin. He died later, in Cambodia, apparently with a needle in his arm. Yuck, not a good way to go. There’s a LOT of that shit in the hardcore conservative community. A LOT. Like, people have no idea of what goes on in there, for real, lol.

But I was kinda thinking- I read Gabs and such, and there seems to have been a definite… souring on Trump, and it was right after I started blogging again. It’s like, I opened peoples’ eyes, finally, to how much of a… traitor, this guy is. I wrote about it before, right after the election. But I guess the timing wasn’t right. Few listened, then, except for say Ann Coulter, and a handful of others. The ones that didn’t turn on me, at least.

But most of them jumped right on the Trump train, at least until they realized it was heading into a brick wall. And when I pointed everything out to them again, like, in the last couple of months, now, they get it. It’s like, yup, he was right, wasn’t he? Yup.

I won’t lie, that feeling is quite nice. It’s vindication. And now, they’re crawling back, and it’s wonderful to see. Gawd, I’m so petty, lol. But it’s OK, I have every right to be in this case.

But, uh, I also talked about other stuff, though, lol. Like the addiction. And I did so in very explicit shocking detail. And that doesn’t seem to be sitting as well, I mean there seems to be a shitload of new bitterness now that wasn’t there before when people talked about me, and a lot of the stuff I write, and the ideas I have. It’s like… yeah, ok. Even this guy, huh?

I mean, yeah, I get it. And I was nervous about writing about it, no matter what it may have looked like. I didn’t want to cause… consternation, but the thing is I really needed to get it out, to understand what was happening to me, and why. I just needed to know. So, I wrote about it.

And yeah… I know. I know, I get it, I’m sure that my old mentors are supremely disappointed in me, I know it. I can feel it, and yeah, I’m sorry. I remember that there was nothing they looked down on more than… narcotics addiction, especially to the hard stuff, because it’s… very hard, if not impossible, to ever really get back from that. I know. I’m sorry.

But… I don’t know. It’s like, they’re starting to realize what the stakes in this stuff really are. Failure means death, literally, and nobody will be spared. They will kill until they or we (white racial realists) are dead. And yes they will kill, or drive us to kill ourselves, or something. But this is to the death, and I think now that’s starting to really by felt as well as understood. Yeesh, intense stuff.

Yeah, they want us dead. They’re not kidding when they call us names like the “cancer of humanity” and other such absolutist terms. Like, they REALLY want to kill us. Or make us do it ourselves.

IDK though. Did I do good? Is this the right way? I don’t know. But I do know that I’m irreplaceable. One of a kind, and maybe the last hope, lol. I don’t know. Or maybe not, maybe I’m not needed at all. I had hoped so, which is one of the reasons I stopped blogging. Guess not though.

Well, I’m kinda losing the plot of what this post was supposed to be.

I need to go to sleep. I’ll put the fentanyl next to me, so it’s the first thing I see when I wake up. Should be enough motivation to get me going early, I would think.

Good night.

IDK, maybe I’ll write more about this, sure. Why not.

Yeah, it’s just junk.

And it’s like, they know it, which is why everyone is SCREAMING these days. It’s like, the media is screaming, the democrats are screaming, Trump’s supporters are screaming, traditional republicans are screaming, everyone is YELLING ABOUT POLITICS AND CENSORING THOSE WHO DISAGREE BECAUSE THEY ARE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH and it’s just… ugh. So LOUD. Yeesh, it’s just so deafening. It’s like, as the substance has drained from politics, the volume has increased, I guess to mask the lack of depth- you know, to get people to pay attention, to keep them in the system. Because if people are not interested in the ideas of these… politicians, then the system needs to get people to listen, somehow, so they TURN UP THE VOLUME UNTIL YOU CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING ELSE.

Oof, it’s all just so… ugly, lol. It’s just shameful that this is what we’ve become. How embarrassing.

So… I don’t know, it’s awful. Nobody is happy. Certainly that is the case in the circles I travel in.

Of course, I basically ran much of conservative politics until Trump won the election, and attention shifted to him. Which I would have been fine with, provided Trump wasn’t such a massive chode and overall loser. Yeah, his stewardship of conservative politics in the wake of my absence has of course been nothing short of catastrophic. In short, he sucks, mostly because he is as I thought he was, way back when- a pretender, not a conservative, he is a capitalist. A Wall Street worshiping, military fellating boomer cuck Zionist type like Jeb and Reagan. Not the real deal, a weak, watered down NYC substitute whose idea of “conservative” was given to him by Netanyahu, not Revilo Oliver. A square peg in a round hole.

Trump has basically been flailing about in a truly embarrassing way now for four years and counting, like he doesn’t know who his supporters are or why they don’t connect with his bizarre, otherworldly attempts to connect with them. In short, he doesn’t learn from his mistakes, like he doesn’t try, or perhaps because he doesn’t know he’s even making mistakes to start with. A weird guy, truly.

I still don’t understand much of what he has been doing. Like, his continual and extremely embarrassing “outreach” attempts with the black race, which, of course, were done so… crudely, and dumbly, they they only served to exasperate and horrify his white followers. Seriously, it doesn’t make sense. Who is feeding him this shit? Is it Jared? I don’t get it. Nobody does. Blacks are only like 10% of the population. What good does it do to go from 2 percent of the black vote to 12 percent, if you lose 5 percent of the white vote? The math is… odd, truly. Seriously, blacks will never vote republican, certainly never in any numbers enough to make a difference. And for this, he ruins all of his conservative cred, and drives all principled conservatives away from his party? LOLwut? What an epic dumbass this guy is.

Ugh, what a bunch of shit. And I don’t listen to all of that garbage about emails, or whatever, lol. Everyone is all up in arms about emails, or something. Hillary’s emails, Biden’s kid’s emails, Trump’s emails, or his tax returns, or whatever, I don’t give a shit, it’s all junk, lol.

Blah blah, and there is really nothing to say about Biden. He’s just… there, I guess, as a placeholder for Kamala, who is precisely the person you think she is. I’ve never heard her speak before, literally, but I feel as though I already know all of her policies, haha. And you know what? I would seriously bet good money on that. I wouldn’t lose. I mean, she’s a token minority, an affirmative action candidate in the mold of Obama, yes? And her politics are exactly the same as his, yes? She’s another of the white liberals’ brown-ish people. Am I right or am I right?

Junk, all of it.

I don’t know. It does kinda seem like the have the same problems. Trump is the Jews’ pawn, a pet of Netanyahu, and Kamala is the liberals’ pawn, or something. And Biden is just kinda there, like Pence is. Like they’re token white males, or something. They don’t DO anything, of course. It’s like it’s the Jews battling it out with the brown-ish people for the last shreds of dignity and the last few coins in the couch this place can muster. It’s just so ugly, and awful, like they’re fighting on the graves of this country’s greatness. So utterly disrespectful and altogether nasty.

And all the while, they keep SCREAMING at us while they do it, like any of us wanted any of this is the first place, lol. As if this is somehow my fault, lol. Guys, I’ve never voted once in my life. This isn’t my fault. I’m a part of the working classes, here. I have no power, no influence beyond that which I violently carve out for myself, using my superpowers. I’m not responsible for any of this, lol.

Ugh, how nasty.

Time to stop this, I guess. Yuck.

I don’t care who wins. These are not my people.