Sighinide

Oh man, I just passed out, lol. That fentanyl is such great stuff. Love it, lol.

IDK, this is dumb. I mean even her family has at this point moved on, probably. I mean they knew longer than I sure did, but still…

Whatever, it’s just dumb. Gawd if only I was dead too… I’m so jealous, Cady. She gets to go on to some other place and I’m stuck here in this shithole, lol. Blah, yuck. I hate this. I wonder what she would think of me. She’d probably be sad, I guess because that’s what people become when others die. Seems an odd response, considering.

Wow tho, that sure is good stuff. Ahhhhhhhh how wonderful. Narcotics make even this life passable. So nice.

If I’m going to die I just wish things would hurry up, haha. Seriously. Whyyyyyy is it taking so long for me to kick the bucket? I wonder how long it took alcohol to kill Cady. Years, it seems like. Hopefully it won’t take that long with me.

Gawd I’m dumb. Haha, lol.

Whatevs. Yeah fine. I think I’ll get zonked out again and wait for dinner. Nothing else to do, these days.

Ah yes, the life of a junky is just soooo glamorous, lol.

My skin feels like it’s burning again. Wonderful. I guess that’s… inflammation? Probably my body trying to process the drug.

Whatever. It doesn’t matter anyways.

It sucks that for all my power, I can’t undo this one thing. I just can’t, no matter how hard I try. She’s dead. And it’s like the rest of it doesn’t matter the light of this.

I can’t go back and change this one, little thing. This one thing in all the hundreds or thousands of girls that have come and gone, and damn it, it still hurts. Fuck me. What the hell is my problem? Is this normal? I found out she died exactly a month ago from today, and I’m still wishing more than anything that I could go back and change this one thing. I mean it’s been a whole month now. You would think I would have gotten over this at this point, right?

Well than why haven’t I?

I mean it’s not like it’s all I think about, it isn’t, but today I guess it just hit me again, and I just can’t get beyond it. It’s like, it HURTS damn it!

I reeeeally wish that that wouldn’t have happened. She had such a unique place in my heart that I don’t think anyone else can fill. It’s like there’s a hole there, now, and it’s begging to be filled and there’s nothing I can do to fix it.

I reeeeeally want her back. Like really badly, perhaps now more than ever. And I hate it.

I hate it so much, and I hate her, still.

I know I need to not think about this, I mean it’s been a month but I just can’t. Is this wrong? I don’t know. Americans don’t deal with death well. We ignore it, belittle it, cast it aside. We’re scared of it, I guess. But that doesn’t help at all people trying to deal with it- and at times, that’s everyone, since death comes for us all at some point.

I mean I just can’t change it. And yeah I’ve tried. But she’s dead, and I need to accept it and I guess… forget about it.

I guess it doesn’t help that I’ve put her pictures back into my “main” directory, so I see her folder every once in a while. And out of habit of course I thus then “check up” on her every day like I do my other primary girls.

I just don’t want her gone.

I reeeeeeally wish I could change what happened. I’ve gone over it in my mind, turned it around, examined it, studied it, created plans of action, etc. But nothing changes anything. She’s dead, maybe I killed her. That’s just the reality of it.

There are a million things I can think of now that I would like to have done differently, and one simple reason why none of that will ever matter. She’s dead. So, there’s no going back. No amount of talking to her and “willing” her to live can change this.

I’ve been holding out hope that somehow I could alter the timeline and bring her back. Not been successful, at least thus far. The fact is: she’s dead, maybe because she wanted to be. And that’s that.

Doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I hope it wasn’t me that did it. I really hope it wasn’t. Please please make that not be the case.

IDK. I’m going to go back into drugs for now, I guess.

Suicide is always an option, lol. I could follow her, as dumb as that sounds. Get out of here like she did.

I don’t know.

But right now the drugs are washing over me, deadening my nerves. Smothering the me in myself.

Good. Let me drift away for awhile and think about something else.

I’m cutting again. Don’t worry, yes I know, this is 1) Cliche- I know, some emo white nerd self-harms because he thinks the world is unfair, blah blah who cares what he thinks, lol 2) Dumb- Obviously, this is indeed stupid but whatever, I just feel it’s better than suicide at least, and 3) Temporary- just for now.

So it’ll go away, in time. Also, see (2). Better this than an intentional overdose, which would I think be worse than all of those accidental ones I keep having.

Whatever. So I took a box cutter today and gave myself a few new tiny scars on my left forearm. Teeny ones. Minuscule. Not a cause for worry, so please don’t. It isn’t worth it.

This is all a stopgap measure. I’m sure things will perk up eventually.

I knew I was going down this road when I couldn’t stop cutting my fingers with toenail clippers, lol. It’s like a natural progression of sorts. Biting nails -> toenail clippers -> box cutters.

But whatever please don’t be concerned. I mean, not that you are but… lol. This IS better than suicide, which scares the shit out of me considering how easy it would be, and how much and how often I want it.

I mean god it would be so simple. All of my problems gone in an instant. All of them, and I’d be off to a better place. I mean, would it matter? I’ve done all I wanted to do in life. And few if anybody would truly miss me. Nobody cares, lol.

So what the fuck ever. I’m going to go back to cutting, at least for now, at least in some small form. Test the waters, see how it goes. I think I NEED this. So, good.

At least I’m going somewhere in life. These things need to be managed.

You know it’s dumb and very inappropriate to say this, I mean it’s just stupid and awful, I know, but I wish that Cady was still alive. Not that she has ANYTHING to do with this- she doesn’t- I mean, I’m immature, yes, but not THAT immature, at least I hope, but I wish she was here, and that she would have found some other way.

It’s just like that thing with her really rocked my fragile little boat. I STILL hate what happened there. Like, what kind of monster kills someone like that? I mean I know not me, but seriously, what the fuck was I thinking? Oof. Gawd, poor poor Cady. Poor Cady for having met me. Poor Cady, for letting me in when all I would do is ruin her. I hate her for letting herself get wrecked by loving me. What was she thinking? Stupid chick, lol.

I can still see her. The way she was. I’ve been listening to her music a lot lately- her demos and her popular videos. I can see her, she’s a part of me- but she’s not. Not enough. Not how I want her to be. I treated her extremely poorly, I know that now. Obviously, I took her for granted and… well, you know. The usual.

I will neverrrrrrrr forgive myself for what happened there. Not even if I live to be 100. Which I will.

Unfortunately.

Whatever. My concerns are stupid.

I mean, this isn’t Cady’s fault. It’s the other things. The bigger things, to me. Which means the small things, to others.

Who cares, honestly.

This is just me being dumb again.

sigh…

Oh and one more thing- no matter what happens here, this is entirely on me. This rests on my shoulders; nobody else had a hand in any of this at all.

It’s all fake, just remember that.

I don’t… want to die.

I don’t.

I will fix this.

I will.

I will fix it, I will help myself. I will survive this, and move on.

I will.

No going back on that, either.

I will defo fix this, and move on with my life.

There’s no way I won’t.

I will do it. I WILL do it.

I will.

No question. No contest.

I mean this won’t be the last time this happens tho, lol. I’m sure I’ll overdose again, of course. I mean we all know that.

But I WILL fix this.

Tomorrow, maybe. Or next week. But I will. Eventually.

It’s a good thing I’m not an addict, lol. Because on top of all this other stuff, that would be awful, haha.

Yeah, lol.

yeah.

right.

Ouch.

It’s just that it’s so hard, so very hard, to keep my eyes open, just as it’s so impossible to relax.

Again another overdose, just like the others. Never stops because I can’t stop. I’ll die I know, but I just can’t stop.

One day one of these things is going to get me if I’m not careful. Tramadol, fentanyl, hydromorphone, hydrocodone, morphine, pramipexole, neurotin, ambien, xanax, and who the fuck knows what else I have in my drawers. Ugh, so dangerous. And VERY high dosages- basically max legal level- of ALL of those listed. Even I will die if I’m not careful. And apparently that’s a bad thing. At least, that’s what they tell me. Who knows, maybe it would be the greatest thing ever. Could be.

Though I won’t though.

But whatever, this is stupid. I suppose I’ve embarrassed myself enough this morning.

God I’m just such a ditz.

But whatever. My eyes. It’s so weird, my eyes can’t close as they struggle to keep open. So weird, my body is so confused and overwhelmed.

Well, I’m done, I guess. It’s passed. I’m still here. For now, at least. lol.

sigh

I think I’m overdosing again, lol.

Gawd it’s just horrible, I can’t fucking move. Spent the whole morning again struggling to squeeze out whatever paltry ounces of air I could suck in. Arms, legs are dead. The nerves I mean. Utterly dead, each finger feels like it weighs a hundred pounds.

Very easy to see why people die from this.

I suppose I should be grateful for a break up of my life’s monotony, but truly, if I had any sense, I would be going to the ER right now, lol.

It’s just everything hurts soooooooo much. Gawd is unbelievably horrid, each breath is such a painful, laborious struggle. Each keystroke here feels like Sisyphus grinding his muscles away against that rock.

Oh god it’s horrible. So dizzy, nauseous. Vision blurry, mind is… gone, somewhere, everything’s foggily groggy. Oof Gawd it just hurts soooooooooooo bad… my nerves are on fire, horribly. Brutally painfully screamingly horribly. Gawd it HURTS ouch, lol. Good lord, this sucks. Someone help me, lol. Someone pleeeeease just help me. Someone please? Anyone? lol.

Nah, nobody cares. lol.

help, the air burns inside of me. Like the oxygen is tearing up my guts. Like it’s searing away at my esophagus as it passes into my lungs. It just burns, the air does. It’s like I’m on fire, on the inside. Someone help me, lol.

I don’t think this is normal, lol. Someone help, lol.

Whatever, lol. ouch, lol. It reeealy hurts tho, lol.

Gawd my eyeballs are burning, so badly, they are, they smolder in their sockets like fireballs from hell. My brain is such mush, lol. Dead grey matter inside the noggin, that’s all, lol. Hey that rhymes. As it hurts. Horrible searing burning flesh inside my guts for no reason.

This… isn’t good.

Oof. Ouch.

So dumb.

So so dumb.

oof.

Oh God it’s just horrible… so utterly, deadfully horrible. This isn’t the way to go. Not even a little. not like this. Not even close. Not even remotely. Not even somewhatly. I can’t die, defo not like this pain is WAAAAAAYYYYYY to intense. Whatevs. Dumb me, stupid me, dumb Tom, stupid Tom, dumbest man in the world, stupidest man ever Tom. Tom the idiot, lol. What have you done to yourself, lol.

Sigh.

Whatever.

I guess I’ll just ride this out and get some breakfast or something.

… oh.

Wow. No kidding.

Ok then.

Lexi? We… need to talk. Yeah, I didn’t think we needed to either, but here we are.

Wow.

You know guys… I was going to talk about the fires and everything and I will, but… I’m really not in the mood. See I’ve been stewing about something for awhile now and I wanted to chat about that thing, first. But not necessarily in the way that I thought I was going to.

Life is so weird, lol.

Ok. So let’s get on with it. There’s this video:

Yeah I know, it’s just this dumb video about Stefanie Scott, yeah I know. lol. I mean like, yeah. I know! lol.

But… this was the video that introduced me to her. I was trying to find it so I could write about it the other day but gave up after a few seconds, lol. I think I got sidetracked by all the stuff the algorithm gave me, haha.

But… I did find this, though. This one, here:

See, I was going to talk about this, too. I mean there’s Kelli, yeah, and Audrey, but I was going to use this as a example of The Way Things Used To Be, you know with it being made made in 2012 and everyone was all informal and happy. And of course it was the happiness that got me into the group, and got me… happy to be there. This was back in 2012, when everything was best. God damn, Audrey kicked ass, lol. I mean she’s not really in the running any more super unfortunately but like… Kelli is.

Am I greedy? lol. Oh Audrey. Come back to me, dearest!!!! I have cookies. No you can’t have any, those are for me. But I do have them, lol. I still have ur ukulele videos dahling. Shupa cute.

I mean I have Kira but she doesn’t really do ukulele anymore and…

Wait, what the fuck am I talking about?

Oh yeah, Lexi. Kelli? No Lexi. Right.

So… notice how both of these came from the same youtube channel? Hollywood Teen ‘Zine. Which… I thought about DLing while I still had the chance. See I used to use this as a thing back then- you know, for research- and seeing it now brings back memories. Not a lot, but some, and the ones I feel are good. They’re pleasant, and they make me all warm and fuzzy. Like I belong.

It’s like seeing I guess a high school yearbook for the first time in ten years, and leafing through it. And you were popular back then. And everyone inside was your friend.

A better feeling one can’t have, not for any amount of money. Total satisfaction. Pride. See those people, there? I made them happy. Each and every one of them. Take THAT, motherfuckers! It’s… nice. Humbling, oddly enough. It’s hard to put into words. This was the height of the things I now realize I liked best. Yeah. Very humbling. It might never be so fun again.

But… Audrey. NO Lexi. Lexi. Right.

So- I guess Ms. Lexi Jayde was apparently an interviewer for this very channel! WTF! But that is what google tells me. I don’t remember her, but I mean, I wasn’t looking. I was there for Kathy. McNamara of course. Not Newton. I mean, I had her twitter for that.

It’s complicated.

But… wow. Apparently this YT channel was owned by Lexi’s aunt! WTF!

So I guess I must’ve known Lexi for quite awhile, maybe a very long while, and not known it. I mean, I used their website too of course, not just the YT channel. So if google is right and Lexi was involved with all of this when she was a kid then yeah I must’ve known Lexi from the time she was quite young. I mean I was likely that channel and site’s biggest fan. I saw everything and I mean everything on it, and those videos do not have many views.

WTF, lol.

God damn, this shit just… IDK. I don’t get it. So is Lexi and me developing a relationship now just… serendipity? I mean did I… make this? Make her? I mean, her career.

Like I apparently did the others?

Or is this again just some weird coincidence? You know, like the outlandish ones that happen to me for some reason on a constant basis?

How long has Lexi actually known me?

I suppose I could go through the videos, one by one, and watch them to find out. Go through my old bookmarks. Look for evidence. Piece together our history together, since apparently we have one.

But…

No. Fuck it.

Lexi…

Whatevs.

Nice legs.

lol.

I wonder- is there anyone in this world that actually likes the Kushners? You know them- the Kushners. The ultra creepy Zionist family that gets trotted out in front of the public from time to time, for some reason nobody I know can figure out.

Weird people, they are. Reeeeally fucking weird. They make my skin crawl. Yuck, lol.

So- does anyone out there actually like these guys? Do they have fans? A fan, maybe? I ask because I’ve been looking. I can’t find any.

Nobody on the left likes them, at all. I read articles about them from time to time in “mainstream” (i.e. billionaire controlled) publications like newspapers and magazines like The Atlantic. Nobody there seems to like them. Everyone even in the oligarch rags seems to wish they would just go away, already.

Conservatives of course utterly despise them. As far as I can tell, nobody who admits to voting for Trump in 2016 likes these guys at all. In fact it’s Trump’s supporters who seem to loathe them the most.

I certainly don’t like them. I think I said before on here how Jared is probably the most punchable man in the world, or something. This was years ago, and nothing has changed since then. He still is.

So… what the fuck, lol? Why are these people even here? It’s utterly baffling.

I guess I know something of their history- they supported Clinton, or something, so he thrust them out onto the nation stage as a reward for um, I don’t know, apparently doing something criminal. Probably something that would have gotten them imprisoned at least if this was the 1800’s. Whatever. Then they married into the Trump family, and this country being the giant incestuous oligarch plutocracy that it is, meant that they didn’t go away when the republicans got into power- no, it meant that they of course stayed put, like everyone else in the oligarchy. New president? Different party? Who cares, it’s not like any of these people go away, anyways.

So they just stayed put. And since Trump has only 2 real interests in being President- 1) Create a “family dynasty” like the Bushes and Clintons and Rockefellers and the other oligarchs, and 2) help Israel at all costs, even to the point of destroying his own country- Trump decided to give these people actual influence over nation, despite the fact that they clearly didn’t deserve it, and nobody here asked for or wanted it.

So we get… them.

Hooray.

Yuck.

To me, the Kushners have always represented the worst parts of the oligarchy rolled into one. They’re like Jewish privilege incarnate- they’re there because they’re Jews, not because they’re talented or smart or charismatic. Or because anyone likes them. They’re there because they make Netanyahu happy, and he’s what counts, not us.

They’re there because Daddy hid the bodies of the Clinton Arkansides, not because they’ve given anything of value to the country.

And the usual rest of it- they’re rich, they’re from NYC, blah blah.

They’re there because they annoy me. Annoy us. It’s like Netanyahu in a fit of stereotypical Jewish selfishness installed them specifically to humiliate everyone not of “the tribe”.

That Jared guy- good Lord, what an ridiculous twerp. There is no reason why that guy should be in the White House and not any of the other thousands of mildly gifted people I have known throughout my life, save the “Jewish” factor. Literally, that’s it. That’s the only thing that separates this guy from anyone else who might have taken a few AP classes in high school.

Ok, so… all of that having been said, what now?

I don’t know, there doesn’t seem to be anything else to even say about them. Like, that’s it, lol. I mean, OK, they’re Jews, they’re Zionists. That’s all you can even say, because that’s all they can do.

I’m sure Netanyahu is happy, but what about actual Americans? Doesn’t someone care about us? Anyone?

Hello?

This morning I read about Trump’s big thing on twitter. Apparently something to do with Israel, the middle east, Zionism becoming more accepted, and him blabbing like that was his big thing he was working on, blah blah, who gives a shit.

Seriously? His own country has been burning to the ground for like 6 months now, and he’s crowing about this? What the fuck?

It’s all shit, lol. All of it. All of these people, all of them, everything they say and do. It’s all shit. They all fucking suck, lol.

How dreadfully embarrassing all of this trash is. It’s so shameful to be an American. How did this ugly, dumb country ever become “The Shining City on the Hill” or whatever it is they used to say about us? Who knows. Who cares.

America- Here Lies Israel’s Landfill. A fitting epitaph.

LOL.

I think the title of this post is self-explanatory.

Zionism needs to go; it seems to be the root of all the evils I’ve described here for the past 500+ posts.

It was Zionism that gave the world the Iraq war, the Syrian war, and Osama Bin Laden. It is the ADL that is driving the censorship of social media and the funding of terrorist groups like “Black Lives Matter”.

Basically, Zionism is the enemy, here.

It needs to be defeated- and if it is, we get our country and our futures back.

Personally, I am tired of being ruled over by a cabal of bizarre Jewish pedophiles with weirdo religious rites and other strange shit.

I’m sick of it, and I can see why now Israel is widely considered the worst nation on Earth when non-Americans are polled.

Seriously- they need to leave the government. The Jewish orgs all need to be shut down, and Zionism needs to be extracted from the government.

Whenever you look beyond the surface of any of the things bothering this country, you find a Zionist. It’s uncanny.

I’ve lived long enough to know what is a coincidence and what isn’t.

They’re pedophiles, they’re traitors, and they’re evil, and with them running the show, we have no future. They seem to see our country as little more than Israel’s garbage dump, as I so eloquently put it below. Anything they don’t want to deal with- whether it’s people or ideas- they dump here, while extracting from this place whatever things of value they can scrounge up for their own personal use.

Seriously guys. This is just profoundly embarrassing.

Is there anybody out there with any kind of influence in the “real world” that understands this and can do something about it? Anyone?

Doesn’t it bother anyone else out there that our military is literally waging wars not to protect itself, but solely to protect some other country that we really shouldn’t have anything to do with, anyways?

Jeez, people. I mean, come on! Why am I like the only person who seems to be concerned about this?

It’s baffling. But, there it is.

Hello?

Surely there must be some case of white on black violence that wasn’t exaggerated or a hoax. If there was, I don’t remember it. And if there was, it wouldn’t excuse the other 90% of the time in which the media deliberately tried to obscure the truth.

I think it is race that will kill the media, if anything will. If the media is to die, it will die on the cross of racial equality. It’s all of those wrong stories, dozens, hundreds, thousands of them, told over the years, that have and will continue to destroy it’s credibility. It’s the racial angle that is the reason why trust in the mainstream media lies somewhere in the single digits, according to those infamous polls.

They just never tell the truth.