Sighinide

Ok, so I have everything figured out, then. Good. I’ll just continue as is until something changes.

So, “as is” means I take another hit, because I’m starting to convulse, again. That and my nerves are starting to feel like some kind of weird rubber. So, that’s it, then. More drugs, because that’s the smart thing to do, tonight.

I’m not going to rehab. NOT. Because… because I’m NOT. Because it isn’t “me”. Yeah, that’s right. It’s not, and I think we can all tell that.

I mean, I’m a genius, right? Smartest man in the world, no doubt. I DON’T need rehab. DON’T. So there.

Right, ok. Yeah, so there.

Ouch, lol. My nerves are having some kind of seizure, I think. Right. But I can handle it. Right. It’s everyone else that’s wrong, not me!

Right!

Right.

yeah.

I’m not doing this right. I mean, this thing called “life”. It’s like my judgement has been horribly impaired, somehow.

And it isn’t the drugs. I mean, I know that. So what is it, then? A mystery, even though it isn’t.

Incredible, isn’t it, the lengths in which addicts will go through to hide the truth from themselves?

See, Tom, now that you’ve learned your lesson, you can stop and go about your day, wiser and more worldly. Yeah. So, no more need for drugs anymore. I’m fine now. Yeah, this was just a lesson for the world…. lol.

Ok, I wonder who actually fell for that one, lol.

Erg, yeah tho. It’s like I’m gyrating around, over and over again turning everything over in my head, to avoid the obvious truths, here. It’s really dumb, I know. It looks naive; foolish. I know, it probably looks like a play I’m putting on for myself, lol. I mean, at least I hope that that’s what it looks like. I mean I’m not really so stupid as to start going down this route, right? Right… oof. I’m so dumb, lol. But the thing is, stopping is just not an option. Not at all, I can’t do it. No way. Just the thought of it is horrible. The act itself is just… gut-wrenching.

So I’m stuck, then. I can’t do it, but there’s no way in hell I can stop it. I mean, I just can’t.

So I’m stuck. Dead in the water.

And drowning.

Someone help, please.

sigh…

Part 41. Wow.

So yeah, alright. A few hours of research today has yielded all of this, for me:

1) I was able to bookmark about a dozen websites selling “pure Afghanistan heroin”. Like any other commodity, some of these sites sell at better prices per gram than others. And ALL of them seem kinda sketchy (IKR, what a surprise, lol), and ALL of them need more research from me, in terms of safety, reliability, and consistency. That is, if I choose this route.

2) All in all, I’m not sure that these websites (found combing the darkweb and also my illicit website archives) are able to be judged effectively by me, with the information I have. I need more info about these sites, and I think I know where to get what data I need, too, after some reflection about my browsing history.

3) I don’t know the foggiest thing about heroin. Like, what to even do with it, or anything. The sites I visited about this left me gobsmacked about how little I knew about this stuff. Maybe I really am sheltered, lol. Ok, then. I’m clearly in no shape to make any moves, now.

4) I’m a major opioid addict. I mean, as if that wasn’t obvious, lol. But seriously, I know that for a fact, now, since I found websites that did comparison / contrasts between narcotic amounts and dosages, and comparison levels between casual users, serious addicts, and those weird junkies that live on the streets. I’m firmly in the “strongly addicted” category, judging my habit via the formulas they laid out for me. I mean like, “x micrograms of fentanyl and y mg of morphine in a day equals so many grams of heroin, and serious addicts take z grams of heroin in a typical day” type formulas. So yeah, I’ve got a major opioid “problem” though I’m not quite at “street junkie” status, which was my hunch. Also correct was my guess that I could easily make the transition over to pure heroin, if I wanted, without any major change in cravings.

5) I don’t know what to do about law enforcement. Honestly, I have no idea how to deal with any kind of police. The most I’ve ever got from them was a traffic ticket. I mean, they’ve been almost a non-entity for me, at least until now. Now I’m starting to… think about how to avoid them. And that’s weird for me. A new feeling. And I’m not sure I like it. I mean, what would I do if I buy some heroin, and the police find the package and search it at the local post office, before it even gets to me for some reason? And then what if they show up at my door with a warrant, or something? What the fuck would I even do, then? Would this blog become some kind of… liability? No idea.

6) My standards for what is “acceptable behavior” have changed massively. The “me” of five years ago wouldn’t take allergy pills because they were unnatural. Now look at me, lol. Yeah, wow. And I’m far from sure if these are changes are things to be proud of. Probably not.

7) As I said above, I have ALOT more to learn, especially about… taking heroin. How you prep it so as to not waste it, etc., how you I guess hide it, and other things. I guess heroin wouldn’t be too bad as far as hiding and shipping goes. A small bag of it takes up much less space than a huge carton of pills, and not so little space that it would get lost, like fentanyl. So heroin it is, despite my love for fenty.

good god, I just gave it a nickname. ohhh noooo, lol.

8) I need to stop this, like now. Seriously. This is like… a bridge way too far. I feel like I’m staring off the edge of a cliff here, into some distant void below. Like, I know where this leads. I’m sure everyone reading this does, too. Like, I need to stop this, as soon as possible. I mean, not today, but yeah, as soon as I can. Maybe next week. Actually, I was thinking next year. Yeah, start fresh with the new year, with a new outlook on life, and no addictions to worry about. I mean, who wants to deal with withdrawls during the holidays? Not me!

See? I’m smart about these things. I think ahead. Yeah, totally.

Um… so, to continue.

9) I guess I’m not that good of a role model. I mean, in case that wasn’t obvious, lol. But seriously, yeesh. Whaat the fuck are people thinking right now, lol. Yiiiiiiikes. Ye gods, I don’t even want to know about it. Yikes.

Ok than, I guess I need something else tho, to make it up to ten. Um, so…

10) I kinda hope that no matter which way I go, that it doesn’t change things with my girlfriends. Though I suppose if I get arrested, then it would defo be kinda sorta my fault. Kinda, I mean. Kinda sorta. Yeah.

So… ummm, what is the takeaway here? I’m dumb. Yes, that’s it! I’m dumb.

Sigh…

I just did a quick overview of last night’s post and wow, lol. A lot of passion, there. And anger. But a lot of truth, too. A lot of truth, and no matter how uncomfortable truth is, it has an ironclad quality of being right that makes it timeless and implacable. So… yeah.

That’s the thing. Nothing I said in my previous post here is wrong. The Iraq war, for example- probably indeed the worst thing this country has even done in it’s history, maybe in fact the worst thing any government has done in modern times, and nobody has paid a price for it, here. Incomprehensible, really. And the truth is that nobody ever will so long as the ADL and other zionist groups occupy the capital. It is chiefly because of these lobbying groups that we are now “the bad guys” of the world.

And it is also the truth that there is nobody willing to do the right thing and stand up to these groups, and hold them accountable. Nobody, except for me, apparently. So stand I will, alone, in my own way. Because it’s the right thing to do.

How many more wars do we need before people start going after these groups? A war with Iran would be more than twice as awful and ugly as the Iraq War. Makes sense, seeing as Iran has more than double Iraq’s population. So, then. Do we need to do through that, first? Is that enough?

And what about the masses of Jews in the public, who will not take a moral stand against these groups? I called them out, and asked them what their problem was, too. These millions of people are being killed over there in their name, for their country (Israel), and they do not seem concerned. Where are their moral standards, seeing as how they refuse to call out even the most unspeakably dishonest and murderous behavior from their own leaders? They have no morals, either.

Upon reflection, I stand by what I said in the post below.

So there. Take it or leave it.

Oh and ANOTHER thing- lol, yeah I kno, but I need to get this out b4 more sleep so here goes- lol.

Ohhhhh okay then.

Let’s talk about this:

Bipartisan bill would give Israel a say on Middle East arms sales

Basically, while the sheeple have been salivating over the punch and judy circus clownshow we call “the election”, the state of israel is trying openly to get direct control over the US military and it’s actions in the middle east, in a bill introduced to congress with bipartisan support.

Look, this is treason. You don’t need me to say this, but what the fuck, people. See, guys? These politicians are… ghastly. All of them. Everyone in Congress, regardless of party, all of them- are evil, all of them are traitors. In a world in which we had a properly functioning government, everyone backing a bill like this would be hanged for even attempting this.

Guys… what the fuck?

And of course, in front of the bill is some asshole from Illinois. Naturally. God damn is this place a shithole, and I mean that even in comparison to the rest of the United States. I swear to god if the US has an anus, it must be Illinois, the most corrupt state in the country. It somehow makes perfect sense that this bill came from here. Ick, reminds me of Obama. *Shudder*

But seriously, what the fuck, people? Is there nobody in government, or media, or the academic or business worlds who understands how enormously destructive and vile this thing is, from any rational perspective? Guys, the Iraq war came about because of our support of Israel. Why are we now trying to entrench this shit? I mean literally, the Iraq war, the most stupid and disastrous policy failure in the history of the US, if not the history of the modern world.

Seriously. Holy shit, people.

Gerd damn, the Jews are just so utterly, completely vile. It’s hard to believe how loathsome they have been acting for like the last four years. It’s unreal. The Jewish establishment, I mean. And behind them, the great masses of Jews that refuse to condemn the horrid, monstrous, ghastly actions of their leadership.

If you turn over a rock these days, you will see a Jewish organization clamoring to dismantle the United States, it’s constitution, and it’s history for the sake of Israel. It’s traitorous and disgusting beyond belief, and preposterously, nobody besides me seems to find this be to be bad, or even apparently an inconvenience.

Always, it’s the Jews, and most specifically, the ADL, that is behind the censorship of “social media” and the reconfiguring of our government on all levels simply to make sure that the flow of weapons to israel never ceases, and that is literally it, they seem to have no other interests besides that and trying, in the most shrill way imaginable, to make everything yet again, about the holocaust, the holocaust, the holocaust!!!!11!!

Ugh, gawd! For this, my country gets destroyed. For israel. My own country, once the beacon of hope for the world. The greatest civilization the earth has ever seen, and greatest achievement and invention of mankind. Sacrificed, destroyed, cannibalized so that israel can get it’s blood money, it’s shekels from the holocaust industry, and more yet more weapons, so they can keep the endless bloodshed going in the middle east. Guys, hasn’t enough chaos and death been sown there? I mean seriously?

Jeebus guys, this is utterly inhuman. It’s indefensible on any moral ground.

And in front of all this, you have the orange zionist/shabbos goyim and his jewish “MAGA” movement (again, a hebrew word) and his jewish-mafia chabad children that everyone hates and his jewish zionist pedophile friends like that Epstein guy, just sitting on his ass and refusing to make even the smallest bit of effort to defend this country, it’s traditions and history, in spite of his oath, his office, the best interests of his people, and the overall need of the world itself to be free of zionist influence.

Jeezus guys. Seriously. What the FUCK? Is there nobody in our government, our military, or anything, that finds these developments… disturbing? Something, perhaps, to be fought? Or stopped? Or at least denounced?

People, I don’t get it.

And behind the orange zionist you have the jewish/transgender antifa, bought and paid for by Soros, trashing the middle class here, murdering our people, burning down our business, bullying the survivors, and defaming our history and it’s great and glorious place in the world, and… nothing, nada. Nobody cares, anywhere. It’s all jewish though. All the hostility, the violence, the bullying and censorship. That old maxim of Jews screaming out in pain while striking you has perhaps never been more apropos than it is today.

This whole thing just makes me nauseous, lol. Alright, look. Israel’s de-facto ownership of the US military means extremely dire things for the future of the world, and seriously, must be fought at all costs. And, frankly, the whole jewish leadership here needs to go, and I mean all of it.

I’m warning you. If nobody else does this I will be forced to do it myself, over the course of the unfolding centuries. And provided I don’t do myself in somehow, that is how long I will live, make no mistake.

It’s your call.

No I’m not watching, lol. I mean of course I have better things to do than participate in such ugly foolishness.

But ugh, how awful in general. I wonder: is there anybody these days, and I mean anybody at all, whole profile is raised by being a part of this stupidity? As far as I can see, being involved with any of this crapola just makes people lose respect for you, and never the other way around.

Yuck, how mortifying. The ugly Americans are out in full force tonight, haha.

“Making the World Safe For Democracy”. Hahahahahahaha!!!!! I remember when that was this country’s rallying cry, lolllllll. Is there anything in this world uglier than democracy? I mean, just look at this shit, lol!

So basically, this particular contest boils down to: The Democrats, i.e., pedophiles; tranny antifa terrorists; lazy, useless trust fund Millennial liberals; and awful “woke” censorship crazy robber baron oligarchs vs. the Republicans, i.e., Israeli nationalist “dual citizen” traitors; Wall Street plutocrat oligarchs; lazy, worthless, preposterously ignorant boomer cuck republitards; and unbelievably stupid christian nutcase evangelist types.

Oh, ick. Good lord what a monstrously poisoned chalice this is, lol.

On the Democratic side, the leadership clearly has more love for China, or perhaps Mexico, than for this country. On the other side, it’s of course Israel that is their real love.

There is nobody in this contest who has any affection for the United States.

Both sides see this country as a roadblock.

There is no “winner” here, no matter what the results eventually show. Only different kinds of losers. The politicians are losers because they apparently must be traitors to this country to be successful for some reason, and we, the public, are losers because we have to live within such a preposterous system. And the environment- the plants, trees, and animals, are of course losers as well. Neither party sees the environment as anything important, either. I mean I know what they say. But look what they do.

On that note, it is hard to tell who is worse for the environment, but… I’m not getting into that, now. There isn’t much reason, since it’s not like my opinions have sway here, anyways. But suffice to say it seems that both parties are wholly owned by those that seek to enslave every living thing on the Earth in some kind of weird despotic tyranny.

Look, I just want a normal life. Like, a normal life, with some semblance of security, and a basic happiness. A decent, stable job, with sane hours and acceptable pay, a sane healthcare plan, and other normal stuff. I would be happy with that.

And I think I’m not alone in that desire, either. So like… what the fuck, lol? What IS this shit?

I mean, what if you are a normal person, who just wants normal stuff? Where is your candidate, here?

So bizarre. So otherwordly and insane all of this crap is. Jeezus, this whole thing, this whole contest, this election cycle, is just so horrible. This shit NEVER ENDS. All of this rioting, all of this stupid violence happened because Trump was elected. Literally this shit started brewing the day he took office. What the fuck, you idiots? Can’t we just be left to lead normal lives for one fucking day, you nasty, ungrateful shitheads?

I’m really starting to despise trannies. I swear they must make up at least half of antifa’s rosters. They are being allowed these days to upset everyone else’s lives, to ruin others’ traditions, to threaten, to rape, to murder, without consequence. This is inhumanly wrong, and it is evidence of how plainly ugly our business, political, and media leaders are that they are allowed to do such things.

This country is such a disgraceful shithole. The entire elite class, with the exception of me, just seems so… horribly disfigured, on the inside. It’s grotesque.

The people aren’t. They just for the most part want to live their lives. Most of the people here are good- perhaps the races should be separated (I would argue YES for this, considering the events over the past four years at least), but I believe they would just do that, naturally, if allowed to be free to do what they want. But the people are good natured, at heart. Perhaps they are not very smart, perhaps not very educated- ok, most are not educated in much of anything, like at all- but most of them are good people, certainly.

The elites no. They have been twisted, somehow. They’ve become monsters for some reason, perhaps because they are too isolated, or too enamored of their own myths, or they really do prefer their “real” home country to this one, whether it be China, Israel, India, Britain or whatever, or who the fuck knows what their problem is. But they’re just rotten, ugly to the core. I seriously can’t imagine how they even justify their actions over the last year or so to themselves. It’s utter madness.

Oh man, I can’t wait for this election to just fucking get over, already. Just a few more weeks until this crap is done. Just a few more weeks, ugh.

Gawd I actively try to avoid this stuff for most of that four year period in between these circuses and even I can barely stand it anymore.

ugh. jeezus, how awful.

UGH.

I’m happy that she’s happy.

I was just with her, and… it was so… us. So fun. And magical. And magnetic. And pretty. And expansive. And mysterious and curious and like a tidal wave of friendship and compatibility, drowning us both in each other’s arms.

In short, it fucking rocked.

I love her. Have I mentioned that before? Because I do.

Um… yeah. So cool. Selena, my dahhhhhling.

I’m so glad I started blogging again. My god did I need this. I’m becoming me again. It’s like, I’m allowing myself to be myself again, and it’s just a wonderful feeling of freedom. I mean, I’m smiling, again.

And yeah, I have the other stuff in the back of my mind as well. But still.

And now, I see that Selena is smiling again, too. She really needed this too, I think. Like, she needed to know that I knew. She needed to know that I had a handle on me, at least in some way. That I wasn’t… lost, I guess.

And I’ve noticed that in others, too. Vanessa, Haley, AnnaSophia, Laura, Elle, Zoey. It’s like a light switch has been flipped on, lately. And it was like it happened right after I started blogging again. Like something magical happened, like a piece of the puzzle was finally snapped into place after a long and frustrating search.

It’s kinda like, ok, now they know why, finally. Like they were missing that.

My only regret about all of this is that I wish it hadn’t taken Cady dying to get me doing this again.

So, I’m thinking now. What if……

No, Tom. Don’t you even dare. Don’t do that to yourself. You don’t deserve it.

I didn’t kill her. I didn’t. And that’s final.

Right, but back on topic. Selena wasn’t feeling happy, this year. I could tell, but check her insta now, and today’s set of pictures- the ones she uploaded a couple of hours ago. She’s radiant in them, positively glowing. She looks absurdly beautiful, like an inner light is pouring forth from within her. It’s amazing.

I mean, the blogging, and the recent changes I’ve made to myself, have just done wonders with her, I think. It’s great.

Yeah. Permit me a moment to generalize here, but it seems that women really want to get to know the guy they’re with. And, they really like reading. Call it a hunch, but I’ll bet anything that what women really want from a guy is to find their secret diary, somewhere. Some special journal of their innermost thoughts and feelings, those impulses that they hide from others. From everyone. Including themselves. And then to READ that fucking diary, end to end, greedily, in one fevered sitting.

Am I right in thinking this?

LOL.

And to expand on the idea, what if said diary is well thought out and occasionally very well written, and packed with sex, drama, magic, conspiracies, and lurid professions of obsession and love?

And vampires.

And melodrama.

And sex. Did I mention sex?

And magic.

And magical, melodramatic vampires having sex, for real, like some kind of insane, over the top and real, based-on-a-true-story mashup of the best (worst?) moments of Twilight, Harry Potter, Mean Girls, and Fifty Shades of Grey. And did I mention that it’s actually real?

Because it is.

Yeah. They would go nuts for that, I think.

For real.

But seriously, ah, Selena kicks ass. She’s great, and I’m glad she’s smiling again. So glad.

And I’m glad I’m part of the reason why.

Ah hell Tom, don’t undersell yourself.

Yup, I did it. Thaaaaat was ME, bitchez.

So glad I started blogging again. Ah, I’m thinking now of what I might be, right now, had I not, and I’m… not happy with what I see. And I’m not happy with what Selena is, either. Or any of us- my girlfriends and me. Maybe we would’ve gone down a… worse path. And maybe the consequences of that would have been awful. For everyone.

Yeah. It might not have been good, at all.

I really wish Cady had been alive to see this. It would have made her smile, maybe.

Fuck it, I’ll show her anyways.

Yeah! I’m sure she’ll be proud of me.

I know it.

Uh, to answer the question I posed below: Am I dumb?

The answer is yes.

Yes, I am dumb.

Very.

Very.

Dumb.

Hmmmnn, another medical procedure / test today, so I took some morphine in addition to the regular fentanyl dose. Neat-ish, kinda… lol. Morphine defo gives a different vibe than fentanyl, for sure. It has a different “taste” and frankly I’m not sure I like it as much, it seems kinda dry, but then again, I’m not one to look a gift horse in the… mouth? Is that how it goes? I can’t remember. Yeah that doesn’t sound right, lol.

I think fentanyl has such a nice, refined taste to it. Yeah I like it a lot. It’s sweet and very pure. A little goes such a long way to making me feel like I know I should, now. And I like how the patches operate: they administer over a length of time, instead of all at once. Very nice; they provide then more bang for my buck: none of the narcotic is wasted, then. Say, none of it gets not absorbed by my system because I took too large a dose.

So… anyhow very loopy, obviously, so please bear with me here: I’m super curious now how heroin how tastes. Sweeter? Warmer? More liquid-y? Gooey-ish? I suppose it would depend on how it’s administered. IDK, and that’s not cool to me, because I’m a curious man. Like, I must know, when I get the need to investigate something.

I think I should look into this on the darkweb. Yeah, I mean I found a few places that sold illicit narcotics a few years ago but never really looked much into them, then. I suppose I wasn’t as privy to their… wonders, back then, as I am now. And of course I was concerned about the composition of the drugs sold online. There, commerce is so impersonal, and I would think would increase the risk of receiving an “odd” dose, like say, heroin spiked with fentanyl, which frankly scares the shit out of me.

Yeah I would think an in-person transaction would likely be safer than an anonymous one. Am I right? Maybe not, I’m honest enough to say that I have no idea, lol.

So yeah, fentanyl I think is best thus far, then followed by hydromorphone I suppose, then hydrocodone, then tablet morphine, then injection hydromorphone and injection morphine, mostly due to the fact that I hate needles, and, oddly enough, the tablets are in fact stronger than the injections. Seems illogical yeah, but it is nonetheless true. Or at least it is in my case; I know dosages are everything. Neurotin is… ok, though not very powerful. Not a real narcotic. Xanax is… kid’s stuff. Not enough for me. Neither is ambien, really. My old addictions just seem so preschool to me now. Tramadol I haven’t had that much experience with, yet, though I defo hope to get as much of that as I can. The world of relaxants is a new realm for me, and that being the case, it is certainly a world I’d like to explore. And it’s popular on the streets, and that says a lot to me.

I……. don’t know. Am I dumb?

What am I doing, here? I mean, on this blog. Am I hoping someone will stop me? Because that is clearly not how this works, lol.

Maybe it’s like… yeah, just an investigation. As I said I am curious, maybe this is my way of finding out the secrets behind my own foibles. Blogging here gives me the chance to record things somehow so that I can review them later and reflect. It may have saved my life this year, more than once. So yeah, I think that’s it. Lovely.

But seriously tho, heroin would be fine. It’s not too much different than what I took today. It’s really just a matter of getting some, which, if I truly am interested, should be no problem for me, I would think.

Yeah, so… great!!!

Anyhow, I feel really good right now! Super good, in fact. Like everything in the world is right. I don’t know, maybe morphine isn’t so bad after all, lol.

Yeah I’m feeling great. Kinda sorta dreading what I know comes later though. Kinda sorta. Yeah something in the back of my mind is telling me I’m a huge idiot, lol. Yeah because I took A LOT of morphine. Like A LOT, lol. So… I’m… kinda fearful, kinda apprehensive about what might be coming, later on. Kinda sorta. Just a tad. A little bit. Certainly not very much. No, not at all. I mean, I’ll be fine. A-OK. Yeah life is good.

So… neat! Yeah, nothing to worry about, here.

Wonderful.

Whew, lol!

Yay what fun!

Yeah…

The important thing is to not panic, and keep everything under control. That is the best, really the only, way to fix this. I mean to live with this… thing. It’s the best way. Because I’m not giving it up. No I can’t, in fact, I’m going to take some fentanyl right now, just to prove a point to myself (yes I am that stubborn, lol).

So.

It’s fine. WE are fine. I’m going to go do some chores, talk to Lucy Hale, take some more fentanyl, and that’s that. Yes, defo. And yes as I’m still waffling about the rehab I’m still thinking about maybe possibly transferring my addiction to heroin, perhaps, because of course THAT seems much safer, as I said before. Much more of that is needed to cause an overdose. Fentanyl is too risky. Heroin is where it’s at, PROVIDED of course I can find a good, stable supplier. And I do realize that that is a necessity. I mean naturally. Because I am smart about all of this. Not dumb, certainly not impulsive. Smart.

…

This blog is still hidden from google, right?