Sighinide

Ultimately, what I suspect about everything that is going on in the world is that it will all come down to me, personally- say, if I am allowed a “seat at the table” or not, so to speak. If I am, than maybe things will go one way. If not, they will go another.

Frankly, I am unsure of what is happening out there. I don’t understand, and from where I sit, I’m not invited. I don’t see an outstretched hand, anywhere, or even a hint of anything truly beneficial, to me, personally. And believe me I have looked. I just see nothing. Nothing but hostility, and endless throngs of people with undeserved egos standing in the way between me and some semblance of happiness, if not some kind of decent life in general.

It’s like, I feel profoundly “left behind” by everyone. And that, I think, should scare the shit out of people. I mean, I have God Himself on my side. I mean LITERALLY. Like actual GOD. I have him in my corner. I would hope that that fact would frighten the shit out of anyone who I think is standing in my way. Because people, IT REALLY SHOULD.

So, everything could basically come down to whether or not I am happy, I guess. It’s a crazy thought but I mean, there it is. Believe it or not, either way is I guess fine by me. But man, I don’t know, I feel so powerfully alienated from everything that is going on these days. Like, none of this stuff is for me. I don’t like it, don’t understand it, and am not a part of it. It’s too alien to me for me to support any of it.

The thing is, I don’t feel… truly connected to any of my girlfriends, even. Like I discussed earlier, they are too far away from me. They’re all the way over there in L.A., or wherever. They’re not here, even if I occasionally allow them into my room sometimes. They’re visitors, or glorified acquaintances.

This is chiefly why I don’t give two fucks about, say, Scarlett Johansson, or Leighton Meester, anymore. I don’t remember them even as ex-girlfriends. They’re just wallpaper. Sometimes I see their names online, and when I do, they’re just there. Honestly I struggled to even remember their names, just now. Like, I had to reeeeeach to think of a couple suitable names for this paragraph, lol.

But yeah, back on topic. Basically, it may just come down to whether or not I am a part of what’s going on or not. Because right now, I’m clearly not. I’ve been excluded, I figure from basically everything.

And again, that means more bad things for others than it does for me. Without my support, you can kiss any kind of “New World Order” goodbye. I will just kick out the legs from underneath it, and down it goes.

In a way, perhaps it would be best to think of me as a symbol. Am I happy? Then you are doing a good job, whoever you are. Am I not? Then you need to be worried. It’s simple, really. Not difficult at all.

So… there, lol.

I guess then I’m going to just sit and see what happens. And if I don’t like it, destroy it.

I’m still baffled by so much of this stuff. I really would have thought that by now some kind of outreach program or something would have been initiated to at least try to make me happy with any of this stuff. I’m honestly baffled that nothing of this kind has ever even been attempted. I mean, people know how powerful I am. Does it not make sense to keep me happy? This stuff is beyond weird. I don’t get any of it, except to say that the people driving the world now are perhaps the most overrated people maybe in the history of the world.

I don’t get it, though. It’s like people are actively TRYING to make me angry at them. I’m just so confused, lol.

Yeesh, whatever. I’ve typed enough today. My hands are sore, lol.

But seriously, tho. You need to try to keep me happy, and I do mean YOU, person reading this. I mean, make a legitimate effort. My power alone more than justifies this. I mean, think of your own self-preservation, people! LOL.

Ah, though. Bedtime.

So remember, people. Think about this, OK?

Ok.

So.

I’ve been thinking. Because it’s like, I don’t get it.

So… my girlfriends are happy, and I mean like EXTREMELY happy. I mean, it’s crazy how happy they are. It’s like, they’re free and doing well and they act like they’re… complete, and that the world is theirs. And in most cases, I think I’m the major reason why.

Most of my girlfriends were… not successful, before they met me. I mean, not famous. Not rich, most them. I mean not really. And I guess I made them so, you know, the usual story, etc. etc., Selena Gomez, Kathryn Newton, Katherine McNamara, Victoria Justice, Alexandra Daddario, Lucy Hale blah blah and so on and so on, etc.

But, so… why the fuck am I so miserable? LOL. I mean, OK, there’s the drugs, obviously. Hardcore narcotics addiction completely fucks up your brain chemistry. Fentanyl, in particular, is a super powerful sedative of course. It is only natural that I would be unhappy being a fentanyl addict. Naturally.

But I mean… why am I an addict, in the first place? Does that just not make sense to anyone else, or is that just me?

Ok, let’s think about this. Let’s say I have fifty girlfriends. That is not an unreasonable number for me at all, and in fact, this is a low ubb for me. The addiction has taken a powerful toll on my energy and endurance, no doubt. So- fifty. And generally speaking, ALL of them are super happy. Much happier than they were before they met me, undoubtedly. Except for maybe one, or two. But no more than two at the most.

So why the fuck am I a junkie?

Well… um… hmmmn. I think it’s like… the system has broken down. The natural way isn’t working. Like, what my instincts tell me I should expect to be happening isn’t.

Ok. So. Here’s how it usually goes, I think.

A guy gets a girlfriend. Said girlfriend does her thing, then, and tries to “fix” (improve) the guy. And it works, he gets improved, and they… live happily ever after? Ok, let’s say that this is an idealized scenario. Let’s say that this is a relationship that “works”. Like, let’s take a me, and a Katherine McNamara in real life. I mean a relationship that is super good and has world-class chemistry.

In that case, both guy and girl get improved. They both lift each other up to new heights, and create something bigger than themselves. They create almost a new way of being for each other, and in doing so, they improve the lives of others in their orbit. The beneficial energies they create help others, too.

That system… doesn’t seem to work quite like that, with me. It’s like… I need some things fixed in my life that require a female touch. Ok, I’m VERY male. I’m a super, ultra alpha male. An apex predator. Essentially a god amongst men, for other men.

Which is nice, but of course, Mr. Super Alpha Apex Supreme Predator Tyrant Master has weak spots in his routine, and that is where women come into play. The women, then, work to “fill in the gaps” so to speak to help Mr. “God amongst men” further his lifestyle.

It’s like the old saying- behind every great man stands a great woman. (Or two. Or fifty, lol. But I mean at least one.)

So… in my case, the gaps that need filling in go unfilled, chiefly because my girlfriends are too far away from me to fix the little holes that only a woman would notice need fixing (I know, stereotype, but bear with me, here). And because said holes aren’t fixed, they grow, over time.

So… yeah.

Hmmmn. So yeah, I think I get it, then.

So how can we fix this, then? I mean, with me, here, and them… all the way over there.

I… don’t know. I honestly don’t. I think that at least part of the problem is that I cannot tell my family what I do. I mean, how am I supposed to tell my parents I’m the Anti-Christ? I mean, seriously. How the fuck do you even do that? I can’t even imagine a scenario in which that would be an easy, or even doable, conversation.

Certainly, not with my ultra-religious Catholic parents. I mean, there is no way to make that kind of convo go even in the ballpark of “productive”.

I mean, it’s cool and all being the Anti-Christ, but seriously, it reeeeally doesn’t make for a good Thanksgiving dinner conversation, lol. I mean, could you even imagine? Hahahahaha!!! How does one drop that kind of truth bomb? LOL. I mean would you casually mention that before or after serving the stuffing? LOL.

So… yeah. I don’t know.

I really wish there was some kind of manual for this stuff. Something like a “for dummies” book for a religious prophet, or for an avatar for God, or something. Would make this stuff a lot easier no doubt.

I guess I’ll just have to keep winging it.

Ohhhkay, then. Sure, why not.

I sure hope it works, then.

Yeah… defo.

Hey military guys- remember those oaths you swore back in the day about protecting our country? Well, here’s your chance!

Here’s your chance to prove that it wasn’t a waste of everyone’s time to kowtow to your whims and pretend that what you do is in fact “protecting the country” instead of, say, “defending Israel’s control over the US government” or “defending the drug lords by watching over their crops in Afghanistan”.

Here’s your chance to show everyone that you aren’t hypocrites. For at least a year now, there has been some kind of communist revolution going on in this country- in case you have forgotten, the United States, the country you were supposed to protect- and it seems to be progressing unopposed by everyone, including the entire government and all of the nation’s police forces. Well guys- here you go! This is the moment you have been waiting for, right?

I mean, the Democratic party is openly trying to steal an election- I guess, to precipitate some kind of coup to overthrow the constitution. Guys, this is your chance! This is your opportunity to prove to the world that you are in fact worthy of all the free-to-you shit you have been given. All those toys, the education subsidies, all that training, your pensions, everything that I (we, the public) has paid for, for YOU, specifically, SO YOU COULD STOP WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW FROM HAPPENING, is now front and center on everyone’s minds. Were you in fact worthy and deserving of all of that shit, or not? Because if not, what good are you, besides being a drain on everyone else? A time sink? A resource waster? A little boy playing G.I. Joe dress up?

So what is the deal, guys? I mean, all of you. Isn’t it time you paid this country (and ME) back for all of the shit we gave you? And don’t you dare tell me that your tour of duty in Iraq or what the fuck ever counts, because it doesn’t, this country isn’t Israel, in case you haven’t noticed. Here’s a factoid for you: the US is not a Middle Eastern nation! We don’t live over there, we live here, in a place called North America.

Honestly, guys. If you don’t DO SOMETHING now, than fuck all of you shitheads. You are all cowards. ALL OF YOU. Don’t you dare talk to anyone else of fucking bravery or whatnot if you refuse to stand up and do something, here. Because you know what? If you don’t, than not a one of you was honest with even yourselves about what you were made of, and the lot of you has been nothing but a burden on this country perhaps for generations. So fuck you all, in that instance.

This country has for all practical purposes bankrupted itself and destroyed it’s future so you people could get the weapons and wars you wanted. And that being the case, you had God damn better pay us fucking back, when WE need it, for once. Or fuck you all.

Seriously, guys. It’s time. Are you worth your talk, or not?

And if you’re not, I don’t want to hear any complaints when I set up shop here as some kind of wizard tyrant god on this country’s grave.

Seriously, guys. I’m not doing well now, but that may not last forever. And if it doesn’t, you had better pray that heaven or hell or both help you all.

So, what’s it going to be, guys?

Ohkay, different take this time. This time, I’m loading the fuck up on prescription and over the counter meds to stave off any overdose and/or withdrawal symptoms. It’s… kinda working, I guess, but the huge amount of other meds I’m taking is giving me a list of other side effects, now.

It’s not bad, though. I’m not looking forward to dying this time. But then again, this isn’t as bad as it used to be, either, owing the the kinda reduced volumes of narcotics I’ve been taking. And IDK but I don’t think that is is a very bad episode of “fentanyl sickness” in and of itself besides.

Oof, whatever. I guess I’ll need to take more fentanyl tomorrow regardless. Will test more then I suppose.

Ah, yeah.

Yuck.

And my head still fucking HURTS.

Ow, and my stomach is still screaming. It’s just not quite as bad.

Yeah, this is no way to live. Nope.

Fuck.

Oh God my head feels like it’s going to split open and empty my brains out my ears. Oh god, the PAIN. Ow, it just hurts SO MUCH.

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Ouch, ow, it HURTS. Can’t breathe, everything’s going to black, lol. I’m so dead, haha.

I know I know. You’re prolly like AGAIN?!?!?!? And yeah, I know but… owwwww oh god IT HURTS. Owwwwwwww, my whole body is wracked with pain; it hurts SO BAD. Yes AGAIN.

Ahhhhhh owwwwww oh man, so much pain. At least I’m less suicidal than I used to be, lol.

Need to go to bed.

Ow.

So basically, a Biden administration is going to be like 4 solid years of “HATE WHITEY” where “whitey” in this case means the usual poor or working class white men, you know, the most disenfranchised and defenseless of demographics. Of course the rich are not to be targeted, because they have money, and money means you are above the law and everything else in this country.

This shit is just dumb, and I’m beyond tired of it. Literally, all Democrats ever do is hate white men, steal from white men, lie about white men, lie to white men, attack white men, and exclude white men. Seriously- that’s all they do, unless, of course the white men have money, like Biden himself, or happen to be kinda sorta white-ish, like Jews, and even then, it’s mostly about the money. It seems as though Democrats understand nothing else but how to attack and exclude racially. They’re just awful, noxious, abysmal people. They seem almost fundamentally amoral in how they view the world.

Jeez, I just don’t want to live with these people. I seriously don’t, I mean, they obviously hate me, so why don’t they just let me go already? Ye gods, this whole thing is just dreadful. This country sucks soooooo much, lol.

This is intolerable. The Biden admin hasn’t even started yet and already people are prepping for war, or at least separation, and I applaud those efforts very much. I hope that the narcissistic assholes in the Democratic party won’t try to stop us from just walking away, lol. I have a feeling they will, though, and it’s going to get horrible, and it will ALL be on them, for being such shortsighted, immature and sociopathic people.

It just seems to me like “racism” is the only thing these guys are concerned about, and I can’t understand that mentality. I mean, see below today for more input on this. It’s like these guys have a preposterously one track mind, and it’s impossible to get them to focus or even talk about anything else. It’s weird and obsessive, and they act like they’re collectively suffering from some kind of oddball psychological disorder.

I mean, to these guys EVERYTHING is because of racism, racism is the cause of all the ills of everyone in the world. Racism is the cause of hunger, global warming, low black IQ’s, high black incarceration rates, divorce, disease, all economic problems, EVERYTHING, yes everything, in the world. Like all the problems of everyone, ever, are caused somehow by “racism”, except for those problems of poor white men, but since they don’t count we won’t bother investigating their issues. And somehow, this attitude isn’t “racist” by their definition, because racism is all about “having power”, which is something that poor white men have absolutely none of by reasonable definition.

This worldview makes zero logical sense, of course. It’s bizarre and convoluted and reads like something from Opposite World but it is what these guys believe. And it doesn’t work, which is why they continually double down. It’s like, they fail, so they need to double down because doing otherwise would mean to admit they were wrong, and so they fail again, and again, and again, and each time they need to get MORE SHRILL AND LOUDER to cover up for their increasingly stupid and ridiculous failures.

It’s awful, and it’s becoming wayyyy too much to live with. This stuff is religion, not science, not logic, and even worse, it’s a stupid, and FAILING, religion. And as it fails it thrashes about and tries to fuck everything else up as it dies. It’s awful, just awful.

The concept of “racism” is likely the most worst thing ever invented. It’s like, to the adherents of this religion, any amount of real crime is excusable when it could conceivably, in some tangential way, maybe help to combat “racism”, whatever that word even means. Murder, arson, fraud of any kind, rioting, genocide, any crime at all, is excusable to them if it could possibly in some tiny way be against “racism”. To these people, to be against “racism” means all actions of every kind are always 100% justified, all the time.

You can’t live with these people. They are nuts. They’re sociopathic if not outwardly psychopathic, and are in general agents of chaos and violence. They’re religious extremists without a religion. They’re moral busybodies without morality. They’re pretty much the worst the world has to offer.

I seriously can’t believe that this country is what it has become. Honestly, fuck this place. This is likely the worst run nation in the world at this point.

Ugh, how dreadfully embarrassing. This fucking sucks.

Again I am continually amazed at how much people care about nonsense like COVID and how little they care about real epidemics, like fentanyl.

It’s baffling. COVID barely exists, and is rarely if ever lethal. Fentanyl is filling up our graveyards and destroying vast swaths of the nation’s core. The media chooses to ignore fentanyl and focuses exclusively on COVID. The reasons are blatantly political, and weirdly personal to those “reporting” the “news”. Few if anybody in the ruling class cares about the problems caused by fentanyl addiction, apparently, in spite of the enormous and unbelievable damage it is doing to the future of everything we do.

It is truly baffling, except perhaps when you remember that the primary victims of fentanyl are poor white men. Then of course it becomes obvious why nobody cares.

Gods, this country sucks. Everything we do these days is a shameful and stupid circus of embarrassing dumbness. Everything the media talks about is dumb, and I mean everything. Everything done by both political parties is dumb, everything done by big business is dumb, everything done by the military is dumb, everything done by non-profits is dumb, everything we do is dumb, dumb, dumb.

This country fucking sucks. All of our leaders are terrible, all of them. There are no good leaders and no smart people in our ruling classes. Everyone “on top” is worthless.

Both political parties are obvious garbage. Everything they could do that is good, they won’t, and everything they could do that would be harmful to the citizens, they do.

I truly hate this country. Our leaders have betrayed us. ALL OF THEM are traitors. All of them deserve the guillotine. No exceptions. Trump, Biden, everyone in Wall Street, everyone in the military from the generals to the foot soldiers, all of academia, anyone that runs a charity or teaches in a school, everyone. ALL of these people are worthless, selfish scum. Fuck them all, they are all parasites. Every politician in America sucks, without exception.

This place has no future, because nobody with any authority here cares enough about it to make an effort to fix anything. We are all going to get swallowed up in a black hole of death and devastation, and there is nothing we can do because everyone with power is noxious human trash.

It’s all going to be about “racism”, like always. We are going to be about fixing “racism” until the last person here dies of a fentanyl overdose. We may not fix any REAL problems, ever, but by God we will fix racism! Even if it kills us, which it will.

The United States of America truly is a worthless country. Our history is shameful, if not despicable. Everything we have done since at least 1945, of not since the creation of the federal reserve, has been if not an enormous disaster, a huge mistake.

We fucking suck, as a country. That is the painful truth. We are only rich because we have allowed our unbelievably greedy and corrupt politicians and businessmen to plunder the vast wealth of this fresh land, and not because we are a good, or a smart, people.

Fuck this country, and fuck everyone, especially, who runs it. You are all worthless parasites.

I hate you all.

Ughk, how dreadful. Feel like utter shit, naturally. Fuck, this sucks. Tried having fun with Chloe East and only ended up passing out. Fuck, how awful. I used to have so much fun with her. And yeah we talked about that. About how we don’t have fun like we used to, and how I just see her anymore to keep me from passing out yet again, and how that kinda wasn’t what she wanted from the relationship. I mean, I know, Chloe, I know. I’m sorry, ughk.

Fuck.

I do wish it was different. I saw a different doctor yesterday and voila, of course, he hands me the name of some addiction specialists. Says they might “help me”. Great, how rude. Usual with parents. Whatever. I just feel so tired. Fuck. Oof, ouch. And in pain, again. Like always. Always, always, always. Sooooo much fucking PAIN. Fuck.

I’m sorry Chloe. I mean I know how you feel when I say that but it’s true. And I know you’re feeling sad as I’m even typing this but I need to get it out, so… yeah. I don’t have a choice. It’s MUCH healthier than some other stuff I could be doing right now.

Oof, this sucks. Addiction really, really sucks, doesn’t it? Oh gods, it’s horrible.

I googled a few of the addiction doctors whose names I have been given and read some unbelievable horror stories from some patients and ex-patients and such who went to see them, or had family members who saw them. Ugly shit, about overdoses, destroyed families, suicides, and general hopelessness. There are not too many good addiction doctors, it seems. I mean maybe that’s just this area or something, but jeezus. Oof, how depressing.

Ow, fuck. This sucks, lol.

I’m coming up on post 100 in this series, aren’t I? Yeah. Wow. How dreadful.

I mean you just can’t get OFF the stuff.

Whatever. Fuckit.

Fuck.

Weird stuff, all of this is.

It’s hard to comprehend. It’s like there are all of these pieces and parts and it’s like… impossible to fit them together because I have no idea of what the final product is supposed to look like.

I… don’t know. I don’t understand.

So. I’m… the Anti-Christ? It looks like it. Take the image of the Baphomet. Is that not me, doing to stuff I do? I mean, and not just… physically? I’ve felt like that, often, during dates on my relationships. It’s like… that’s who I become, sometimes, maybe most times, when I fuck one of my girlfriends. Pretty crazy stuff.

And the rest of it, of course. I mean, I am the Anti-Christ. I must be. There is nobody who fits this role better than I and I would be incredulous if anyone ever would. I mean, just look up the details of the Biblical Anti-Christ. That’s me… all the way down to the details, like my actions inspiring military events in the Middle East and such (Trump, ISIS, etc.) I won’t go into the details now but… yeah. That’s totally me, lol.

And apparently… I’m Christ, too? What? Like, WHAT? Like, yeah. I’m both, apparently. Bafflingly. I mean, everyone knows I have split personalities. And I guess I have BOTH Jesus and the Anti-Christ in me, battling it out, constantly. It’s confusing and strange as hell, but there it is, incredibly.

I mean yeah, I’m Jesus too. Holy shit. I mean, I’ve been looking at the arc of my life and I fit this, very well. And this isn’t a recent revelation, either. As a kid, I did used to wonder about this, off and on. I guess that one of my personalities incarnates Christian ideals better than perhaps anybody, ever. I mean- the ideals about the superhuman powers that can be granted by giving others true and unconditional love, the ability to heal others in ways beyond human understanding, the ability root out and destroy corruption and decay permanently and completely- and again, in ways 99.99% of humans could not begin to comprehend- and other stuff, like the ability to raise the dead (necromancy, apparently also one Jesus’s traits). And the rest of it, I won’t get into all of that, here. Probably telepathy, spiritual cultivation, physical immortality, a billion other things, etc., all done better than anyone else in history, etc. And there’s the fact the I can do all of this without money entering the equation at all, which is I guess another “tell”. I mean, yeah, I’m actually Jesus. Holy fuck. Wow, what the fuck, lol.

Oof, I don’t get it. I mean it works- the old image of the Anti-Christ is that of a man with two faces- but it still seems baffling. Nobody in sunday school ever told me that they were, like THE SAME PERSON. And certainly, nobody ever told me that that person was ME.

Uh… ok, then. So I lead global Satanism and global Christianity, at the same time, I guess. Uh… ohkay. And they both seem fine with this, I guess. So baffling.

The thing is, this works, but logically, it’s… precarious? I mean it’s supported by God I suppose (And I REALLY need to have another word with him. LIKE REALLY, DUDE. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?) but it’s ohkay. Wait.

You know what? Maybe the problem here is MY problem with all of this. Like, maybe the fact that I find it weird is the hold up, within my own life. Maybe it’s like I’m locked in place because I find it too hard to reconcile logically, and I should just then “go with the flow” so to speak. Um, I don’t know, though. So confusing.

So… yeah. About that whole Anti-Christ thing. I’m going over it in my head, here. Control over pop culture? Check. Evil demon powers? Check. Chaos magic? Violence and sex rituals? A billion girlfriends? Check. Ultimate charisma? The ability to warp reality with my mind? The ability to control others’ thoughts by looking at them? Check, check, check. And so on. The ability to traumatize people with thought alone? Yup. Yes, defo, I’m the Anti-Christ, make no mistake about it.

Mmmnn hmmmn. Yup.

So, yeah, then. I’m both. Ohkay… sure. We can run with this, I guess. Why not?

So confusing, lol.

But… cool?

Yeah.

Cool.

Good.

Ohkay but I REALLY need more, though. I mean, obviously, but there it is. I mean this is clearly WAY not enough. Wayyyyy not enough. Oh but I mean, defo not NEARLY enough. WAY more is needed, but I’m trying to be “responsible” again which is kinda dumb, perhaps, in a country as vile and corrupt as this one. But whatever.

Ughk, this is just awful. So bad. So dreadful. These are INTENSE cravings, here. It’s very important that I take more, you know? Like, VERY important. Because this is NOT ENOUGH.

I think I’ll try some morphine, that always takes the edge off.

I am SO glad I’m so knowledgeable about all of this. Ow, lol.

Oof, I’ll try talking about something else tonight, later.

Ouch. Ow. Yikes, this really sucks, lol.

Oof.

Ok then.