Sighinide

Ok. So.

Get this, lol.

One of my old familiars (wizard stuff, like, a small helper spirit) started screaming at me tonight. Like, holy shit, lol. I mean, in a good way, basically imploring me not to kill myself. Really weird experience, that was. This necromancer shit can be really odd, lol. But seriously, like screaming screaming. Begging, pleading me to get myself straightened out. It was surreal, to say the least. Little familiar there was… frightened. Quite so, because I guess it would die as well. Or maybe it just likes me, IDK. But yeah, screaming screaming. It wouldn’t stop until I actually talked with it.

But it’s still not convinced.

Afterwards, I reread the last few, like 5 or 6, posts of mine and… wow. I need serious psychological help. Like big time.

I mean I knew it but man, wow. I am seriously on the edge here, lol. I mean I just mulled suicide over again- yes AGAIN- for like an hour tonight. This was after the familiar thing. Also before. It was like, an hour here, and then an hour there. But yeah, an hour after. 2 hours total.

So. Yeah this country is exquisitely shitty, obviously. Me being suicidal does not let the media or the government or anything else off the hook for anything I have said below. Or Cady, or anything.

But still, yeah I need serious help. I mean, it’s literally three in the morning, and I’m high on drugs, doing… THIS, lol. Pretty much the definition of “rock bottom”, I would think.

I just want out. The quicker the better.

Or help, but fuck knows where I can find it. It’s nowhere.

After I name checked Debby Ryan and started talking about killing myself and Cady Groves and all of that, she put up on her twitter some pinnned tweets about suicide prevention. For… girls. Not for me.

It’s NEVER for me.

Never.

And that’s a problem.

There simply is nothing out there. I mean I could pay exorbitant amounts of money for therapy (which I don’t have) or… what? I don’t know, truly. I’m a middle aged non-jewish white man. Where the fuck do I turn to for advice? To whom? Seriously. Where the fuck do I go?

I honestly have no idea.

I mean I could call the national suicide hotline, or something. But then what? And what if they come and arrest me, or something? I mean, “for my own good”.

And fuck I can’t tell anybody. With red- flag laws the way they are… no chance, lol. With me being me, if I was even remotely honest I would be hauled away for thought crimes before I even finished my story, haha. I can’t tell anyone, I can’t be honest with anybody, ever. I’m too white, too gentile, too male. And I don’t have the money- being a white male is excusable if you are rich enough. If you’re not, you’re utterly doomed.

So where the fuck do I go?

Beats me, lol.

I guess I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing now and hope it turns out for the best.

I have no other ideas.

It’s just… I need to talk to someone, and there is nobody there that I can talk to, or even to point the way to me. To make it obvious what it is that I am supposed to do, and how to do it. Like, what do I even do, here? Can anybody help me? I KNOW you’re reading this. What. The fuck. Am I supposed to do?

Someone?

Anybody?

Hello?

I was trying to decide, just now. Should I make “Pointless, Stupid Violence from Blacks” into a series, or start a new one? I was also thinking of titling this post “The United States is a Disgusting Shithole”, but thought against it at the last second. Was it a wise decision? IDK, we’ll see how this one plays out.

Well, the title kind of explains itself, yeah? It looks like the “black community” is having a record- breaking year when it comes to inner city homicides across the nation. Wonderful people, they are. It’s just so… enriching, knowing that I need to know how to fight and kill to feel even somewhat safe on the streets at night, because of all the enrichment. It’s just sooooo enriching. Do you feel enriched? Because I can’t even emphasize the enrichness of the enriching I feel. U S A! U S A!! Muh freeeeedumb!!!

IDK, I mean… I could go on, and on, blah blah. Whatever. Blacks are too violent, we know. Blacks are too dumb and lazy, we know. They don’t read, don’t think, don’t care to try to pretend to care about anything but themselves, we know. Blah blah.

And ever so, the media just looks dumb and dumberer on a daily basis when it comes to anything racial, we know. They all fucking suck, all of them, just like all of our politicians, everywhere. They all fucking suck, we know. They always will, we know. The same with all of our businesses and business leaders. There are no good ones, anywhere. They are all idiots at best, genocidal traitorous idiots at worst (like Soros, etc. You know.)

So, whatever. I don’t envy the stupid fuckheads in the media. They must live in fear every night, the lot of them. The fear of being found out, of being held accountable. Quite a few of them I’m sure are nervous wrecks, which probably explains why they have become even more shrill and pushy than usual lately.

And I think they do look scared. You can see it in the talking heads whenever someone goes even slightly off script, for any reason. You can see what looks like terror in their eyes. Perhaps some don’t catch this but for whatever reason I can.

The New York Times is just worthless gibberish these days, not fit even for catching bird shit. They actively try to hide their mistakes, of course, and get caught, constantly, by the watchful eyes of independent thinkers, you know, by “trolls”, when they try to go back and change their articles and statements after the fact without disclosing to the public what they are doing. Of course, I’m sure they all do it, but the NYT is the “paper of record!!!!!” blah blah blah.

It’s all shit. Whatever, who cares. Like all things that don’t involve Israel, it isn’t important, right, guys?

Honestly, fuck these shitheads.

I don’t care who Trump puts on the supreme court, or if he even does. Anyone he picks is going to suck, they are all the same, basically, except for small gradients here and there on this or that minor policy. I heard tho that his (or Israel’s?) picks were apparently especially odious to his base. IDK, I don’t know who they were. But that’s probably some ploy. Like, they’ll trot out the rumor of him picking somebody hideous, and then his supporters will breath a sigh of relief when it’s someone slightly less hideous. I mean, “At least it wasn’t so-and-so!” They’ll gab. Whatever, it’s all shit.

Nothing will get done about anything important; it doesn’t matter.

But back on track, blacks are still rampaging around the cities and picking off white people at random. I mean, I know, right? Of course they are, that’s what they do. But apparently they’re doing it more than usual these days since there are less police around. Things are getting so bad that some idiots in the media and the political spectrum are complaining about the police not doing their jobs and such, lol. And apparently these are the same people that supported BLM and the defund the police movements and all of that crap. Whatever, it’s on twitter, somewhere. I could look through my history and find it I guess but nah, why bother.

Apparently some celebs are taking facebook to task for “Not doing enough about hate!!!!!” which of course means in people speak “some concerned citizens in the public are trying to warn others about the dramatic rise in black violence”. This makes the celebs look dumb, of course. I think it’s Selena Gomez and maybe Taylor Swift doing this. IDK if Taylor is. But I think Selena is. Bless her heart, she’s cute and well meaning, but unfortunately not as smart as some, which, when I come to think about it, is a pretty good way to describe most celebs. IDK, maybe that’s my type, lol. But whatever, they look dumb to all but the people that inhabit the twittersphere, which I remind you is holding on for dear life at the bottom of the top 50 websites list.

But yeah, they…… reallllly overestimate, I think, the appeal of BLM and the riots in general. Like, very much so. I don’t think they quite realize how much this is costing them. But, whatever. They have money, and since this country does not have economic mobility, that means they don’t need to do any real thinking or take any real stands anymore. They’re a part of the 1%, and that is where they will stay, no matter the circumstances. And I mean that without exaggeration- to have money in this country means you are above the law, above any kind of real scrutiny, provided you don’t annoy Israel.

blah blah blah blah blah why even bother typing this crap. Who cares, let this place sink.

I guess I just need to vent.

If I’m to die, I suppose I’m taking those bastards with me, lol.

Yeah, why not. I’ll make this a series just to let off steam, or something. Why not. They do what they want without thinking about consequences, why not me?

Sure. Whatever.

I think it’s time to talk about something I was pushing away for awhile.

Let’s talk Crybaby.

Alright, here goes.

This is one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite musicians. Cady Groves. You may have heard of her, lol. Probably here, first, before anywhere else if you’re not in the entertainment biz. But I’ve loved this song since I first heard it on her soundcloud a loooooong time ago. I wrote about it first some five years ago, when I awarded it “Song of the Day” in a silly post here, search for it to find it. And I quoted the lyrics in Part IV of this series. I wanted to get into their meaning then, but… couldn’t.

So… now’s the time.

The lyrics:

You only want me when I’m done
You only break me when I’m whole again
You’re only right because I’m wrong
I only stay until I’m gone again

But what if I took your records
Took all your time (I took all your time)
And what if i stole your innocence
Like you stole mine (cause you stole mine)
And what if spend your money
Every dime
You’ll be just like me (you’ll be just like me)
So cry baby cry, why-y-y why-y-y why-y-y (crrryyyyyyy)
Cry baby cry, why-y-y why-y-y why-y-y (won’t you cry for me, won’t you cry for me)
Cry baby cry, why-y-y why-y-y why-y-y (cause you stole mine)
Cry baby cry, why-y-y why-y-y why-y-y (won’t you cry for me, won’t you cry for me)

It’s mean. Yes, that’s what it is. Mean. Very cruel, nasty. I can see that now. Very hurtful. Mocking, insulting. She makes fun of… everything, of me. How I feel, how I cry, how I express myself. I didn’t see it then, but now I do. My life, as a whole. It’s dismissive, rude, patronizing, and ugly.

It’s a good song. But it’s a mean one, one that cuts deep to the core. She really knew, perhaps more than anyone else, how to trigger me, and this is something of her way of driving the knife in, deep, past the point where I could do anything about it. It’s a suicide note in song form. An expression of rage. About how I treated her, and what she thought of… us.

I don’t know how else to look at this.

I don’t think there’s any other interpretation of these lyrics that makes sense. And, coming from anyone else, it wouldn’t matter. I wouldn’t have cared. But Cady- as I said, she was special. Coming from her, it… works. She was the one that I “let in” the most. The one I was most fond of, even when I wasn’t with her. As I said above, even when we weren’t together, I always listened to her music. I still do, which I guess is part of the reason I’m having trouble getting beyond this.

But yeah, ouch. Jeebus, this cuts deep, lol.

Why ohhhhh why, Cady?

There, lol. You see? Whyyyyy whyyyy whyyyyy, right? It’s just so mean.

I think it’s a matter of respect. I respected her more than pretty much anyone else I’ve been with. I think that’s why it digs so deep. Anyone else? Nahhhhh, probably not. But her yeah. I listened to her soo much for this not to work.

“Crybaby”. Or as it comes out in the song- “Cry, baby, cry!” Right, Cady. Sure Cady, I’ll cry my eyes out for you again. Fuck you, you bitch.

I mean, I’m sorry, but still, fuck you, anyways. You knew what you were doing, to me. And I was too dumb to see it, I don’t know why. Maybe because I really am like you thought I was. “What if I stole your innocence, like you stole mine”. Right. Fuck you, cunt.

You just… can’t answer this. She’s dead. There’s no comeback that works, no matter what I write here.

That’s what a lot of her songs are like, past Kelly’s death. Great, inspired music, but also… with an undercurrent of bitterness and resentfulness, especially maybe to me.

I wanted to protect her soooooo badly, maybe too badly, maybe because of this. I mean I could feel it. I couldn’t see it, I mean I really couldn’t until she died, but I could pick up on her lyrics’ undercurrents.

She was… damaged, and not fake damaged, like some pop stars’ affections. And then there’s me, with that dumb male impulse to protect women. Sigh. I guess there’s a reason why some guys make it a policy to not pursue damaged chicks. Dumb me.

Maybe I shouldn’t have. Maybe she wasn’t good for me… except when she so was. I don’t know.

But what if I took your records
Took all your time (I took all your time)
And what if i stole your innocence
Like you stole mine (cause you stole mine)
And what if spend your money
Every dime
You’ll be just like me (you’ll be just like me)
So cry baby cry, why-y-y why-y-y why-y-y (crrryyyyyyy)
Cry baby cry, why-y-y why-y-y why-y-y (won’t you cry for me, won’t you cry for me)
Cry baby cry, why-y-y why-y-y why-y-y (cause you stole mine)
Cry baby cry, why-y-y why-y-y why-y-y (won’t you cry for me, won’t you cry for me)

… wow. I mean, what do I even say to this?

Nothing.

That’s what. Because there is nothing left to say. At least, to her.

Am I truly like her, now? Like the lyrics want me to be? Is she happy that she made me hurt like she did? Is that it? I… hope not.

Cady I know you can read this. You know, I still love you, you know. I mean, even though you’re dead. I’ll keep on doing that unless, maybe I decided you weren’t right for me and I have no choice but to leave you, just for my own sake. I don’t know. I just really don’t want you gone, that’s all.

Sigh… Dumb me. Talking to a dead girl, again. Dumb, dumb dumb.

I need to think.

And not about this.

Oh man, I just passed out, lol. That fentanyl is such great stuff. Love it, lol.

IDK, this is dumb. I mean even her family has at this point moved on, probably. I mean they knew longer than I sure did, but still…

Whatever, it’s just dumb. Gawd if only I was dead too… I’m so jealous, Cady. She gets to go on to some other place and I’m stuck here in this shithole, lol. Blah, yuck. I hate this. I wonder what she would think of me. She’d probably be sad, I guess because that’s what people become when others die. Seems an odd response, considering.

Wow tho, that sure is good stuff. Ahhhhhhhh how wonderful. Narcotics make even this life passable. So nice.

If I’m going to die I just wish things would hurry up, haha. Seriously. Whyyyyyy is it taking so long for me to kick the bucket? I wonder how long it took alcohol to kill Cady. Years, it seems like. Hopefully it won’t take that long with me.

Gawd I’m dumb. Haha, lol.

Whatevs. Yeah fine. I think I’ll get zonked out again and wait for dinner. Nothing else to do, these days.

Ah yes, the life of a junky is just soooo glamorous, lol.

My skin feels like it’s burning again. Wonderful. I guess that’s… inflammation? Probably my body trying to process the drug.

Whatever. It doesn’t matter anyways.

It sucks that for all my power, I can’t undo this one thing. I just can’t, no matter how hard I try. She’s dead. And it’s like the rest of it doesn’t matter the light of this.

I can’t go back and change this one, little thing. This one thing in all the hundreds or thousands of girls that have come and gone, and damn it, it still hurts. Fuck me. What the hell is my problem? Is this normal? I found out she died exactly a month ago from today, and I’m still wishing more than anything that I could go back and change this one thing. I mean it’s been a whole month now. You would think I would have gotten over this at this point, right?

Well than why haven’t I?

I mean it’s not like it’s all I think about, it isn’t, but today I guess it just hit me again, and I just can’t get beyond it. It’s like, it HURTS damn it!

I reeeeally wish that that wouldn’t have happened. She had such a unique place in my heart that I don’t think anyone else can fill. It’s like there’s a hole there, now, and it’s begging to be filled and there’s nothing I can do to fix it.

I reeeeeally want her back. Like really badly, perhaps now more than ever. And I hate it.

I hate it so much, and I hate her, still.

I know I need to not think about this, I mean it’s been a month but I just can’t. Is this wrong? I don’t know. Americans don’t deal with death well. We ignore it, belittle it, cast it aside. We’re scared of it, I guess. But that doesn’t help at all people trying to deal with it- and at times, that’s everyone, since death comes for us all at some point.

I mean I just can’t change it. And yeah I’ve tried. But she’s dead, and I need to accept it and I guess… forget about it.

I guess it doesn’t help that I’ve put her pictures back into my “main” directory, so I see her folder every once in a while. And out of habit of course I thus then “check up” on her every day like I do my other primary girls.

I just don’t want her gone.

I reeeeeeally wish I could change what happened. I’ve gone over it in my mind, turned it around, examined it, studied it, created plans of action, etc. But nothing changes anything. She’s dead, maybe I killed her. That’s just the reality of it.

There are a million things I can think of now that I would like to have done differently, and one simple reason why none of that will ever matter. She’s dead. So, there’s no going back. No amount of talking to her and “willing” her to live can change this.

I’ve been holding out hope that somehow I could alter the timeline and bring her back. Not been successful, at least thus far. The fact is: she’s dead, maybe because she wanted to be. And that’s that.

Doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I hope it wasn’t me that did it. I really hope it wasn’t. Please please make that not be the case.

IDK. I’m going to go back into drugs for now, I guess.

Suicide is always an option, lol. I could follow her, as dumb as that sounds. Get out of here like she did.

I don’t know.

But right now the drugs are washing over me, deadening my nerves. Smothering the me in myself.

Good. Let me drift away for awhile and think about something else.

I’m cutting again. Don’t worry, yes I know, this is 1) Cliche- I know, some emo white nerd self-harms because he thinks the world is unfair, blah blah who cares what he thinks, lol 2) Dumb- Obviously, this is indeed stupid but whatever, I just feel it’s better than suicide at least, and 3) Temporary- just for now.

So it’ll go away, in time. Also, see (2). Better this than an intentional overdose, which would I think be worse than all of those accidental ones I keep having.

Whatever. So I took a box cutter today and gave myself a few new tiny scars on my left forearm. Teeny ones. Minuscule. Not a cause for worry, so please don’t. It isn’t worth it.

This is all a stopgap measure. I’m sure things will perk up eventually.

I knew I was going down this road when I couldn’t stop cutting my fingers with toenail clippers, lol. It’s like a natural progression of sorts. Biting nails -> toenail clippers -> box cutters.

But whatever please don’t be concerned. I mean, not that you are but… lol. This IS better than suicide, which scares the shit out of me considering how easy it would be, and how much and how often I want it.

I mean god it would be so simple. All of my problems gone in an instant. All of them, and I’d be off to a better place. I mean, would it matter? I’ve done all I wanted to do in life. And few if anybody would truly miss me. Nobody cares, lol.

So what the fuck ever. I’m going to go back to cutting, at least for now, at least in some small form. Test the waters, see how it goes. I think I NEED this. So, good.

At least I’m going somewhere in life. These things need to be managed.

You know it’s dumb and very inappropriate to say this, I mean it’s just stupid and awful, I know, but I wish that Cady was still alive. Not that she has ANYTHING to do with this- she doesn’t- I mean, I’m immature, yes, but not THAT immature, at least I hope, but I wish she was here, and that she would have found some other way.

It’s just like that thing with her really rocked my fragile little boat. I STILL hate what happened there. Like, what kind of monster kills someone like that? I mean I know not me, but seriously, what the fuck was I thinking? Oof. Gawd, poor poor Cady. Poor Cady for having met me. Poor Cady, for letting me in when all I would do is ruin her. I hate her for letting herself get wrecked by loving me. What was she thinking? Stupid chick, lol.

I can still see her. The way she was. I’ve been listening to her music a lot lately- her demos and her popular videos. I can see her, she’s a part of me- but she’s not. Not enough. Not how I want her to be. I treated her extremely poorly, I know that now. Obviously, I took her for granted and… well, you know. The usual.

I will neverrrrrrrr forgive myself for what happened there. Not even if I live to be 100. Which I will.

Unfortunately.

Whatever. My concerns are stupid.

I mean, this isn’t Cady’s fault. It’s the other things. The bigger things, to me. Which means the small things, to others.

Who cares, honestly.

This is just me being dumb again.

sigh…

Oh and one more thing- no matter what happens here, this is entirely on me. This rests on my shoulders; nobody else had a hand in any of this at all.

It’s all fake, just remember that.

I don’t… want to die.

I don’t.

I will fix this.

I will.

I will fix it, I will help myself. I will survive this, and move on.

I will.

No going back on that, either.

I will defo fix this, and move on with my life.

There’s no way I won’t.

I will do it. I WILL do it.

I will.

No question. No contest.

I mean this won’t be the last time this happens tho, lol. I’m sure I’ll overdose again, of course. I mean we all know that.

But I WILL fix this.

Tomorrow, maybe. Or next week. But I will. Eventually.

It’s a good thing I’m not an addict, lol. Because on top of all this other stuff, that would be awful, haha.

Yeah, lol.

yeah.

right.

Ouch.

It’s just that it’s so hard, so very hard, to keep my eyes open, just as it’s so impossible to relax.

Again another overdose, just like the others. Never stops because I can’t stop. I’ll die I know, but I just can’t stop.

One day one of these things is going to get me if I’m not careful. Tramadol, fentanyl, hydromorphone, hydrocodone, morphine, pramipexole, neurotin, ambien, xanax, and who the fuck knows what else I have in my drawers. Ugh, so dangerous. And VERY high dosages- basically max legal level- of ALL of those listed. Even I will die if I’m not careful. And apparently that’s a bad thing. At least, that’s what they tell me. Who knows, maybe it would be the greatest thing ever. Could be.

Though I won’t though.

But whatever, this is stupid. I suppose I’ve embarrassed myself enough this morning.

God I’m just such a ditz.

But whatever. My eyes. It’s so weird, my eyes can’t close as they struggle to keep open. So weird, my body is so confused and overwhelmed.

Well, I’m done, I guess. It’s passed. I’m still here. For now, at least. lol.

sigh

I think I’m overdosing again, lol.

Gawd it’s just horrible, I can’t fucking move. Spent the whole morning again struggling to squeeze out whatever paltry ounces of air I could suck in. Arms, legs are dead. The nerves I mean. Utterly dead, each finger feels like it weighs a hundred pounds.

Very easy to see why people die from this.

I suppose I should be grateful for a break up of my life’s monotony, but truly, if I had any sense, I would be going to the ER right now, lol.

It’s just everything hurts soooooooo much. Gawd is unbelievably horrid, each breath is such a painful, laborious struggle. Each keystroke here feels like Sisyphus grinding his muscles away against that rock.

Oh god it’s horrible. So dizzy, nauseous. Vision blurry, mind is… gone, somewhere, everything’s foggily groggy. Oof Gawd it just hurts soooooooooooo bad… my nerves are on fire, horribly. Brutally painfully screamingly horribly. Gawd it HURTS ouch, lol. Good lord, this sucks. Someone help me, lol. Someone pleeeeease just help me. Someone please? Anyone? lol.

Nah, nobody cares. lol.

help, the air burns inside of me. Like the oxygen is tearing up my guts. Like it’s searing away at my esophagus as it passes into my lungs. It just burns, the air does. It’s like I’m on fire, on the inside. Someone help me, lol.

I don’t think this is normal, lol. Someone help, lol.

Whatever, lol. ouch, lol. It reeealy hurts tho, lol.

Gawd my eyeballs are burning, so badly, they are, they smolder in their sockets like fireballs from hell. My brain is such mush, lol. Dead grey matter inside the noggin, that’s all, lol. Hey that rhymes. As it hurts. Horrible searing burning flesh inside my guts for no reason.

This… isn’t good.

Oof. Ouch.

So dumb.

So so dumb.

oof.

Oh God it’s just horrible… so utterly, deadfully horrible. This isn’t the way to go. Not even a little. not like this. Not even close. Not even remotely. Not even somewhatly. I can’t die, defo not like this pain is WAAAAAAYYYYYY to intense. Whatevs. Dumb me, stupid me, dumb Tom, stupid Tom, dumbest man in the world, stupidest man ever Tom. Tom the idiot, lol. What have you done to yourself, lol.

Sigh.

Whatever.

I guess I’ll just ride this out and get some breakfast or something.

… oh.

Wow. No kidding.

Ok then.

Lexi? We… need to talk. Yeah, I didn’t think we needed to either, but here we are.

Wow.

You know guys… I was going to talk about the fires and everything and I will, but… I’m really not in the mood. See I’ve been stewing about something for awhile now and I wanted to chat about that thing, first. But not necessarily in the way that I thought I was going to.

Life is so weird, lol.

Ok. So let’s get on with it. There’s this video:

Yeah I know, it’s just this dumb video about Stefanie Scott, yeah I know. lol. I mean like, yeah. I know! lol.

But… this was the video that introduced me to her. I was trying to find it so I could write about it the other day but gave up after a few seconds, lol. I think I got sidetracked by all the stuff the algorithm gave me, haha.

But… I did find this, though. This one, here:

See, I was going to talk about this, too. I mean there’s Kelli, yeah, and Audrey, but I was going to use this as a example of The Way Things Used To Be, you know with it being made made in 2012 and everyone was all informal and happy. And of course it was the happiness that got me into the group, and got me… happy to be there. This was back in 2012, when everything was best. God damn, Audrey kicked ass, lol. I mean she’s not really in the running any more super unfortunately but like… Kelli is.

Am I greedy? lol. Oh Audrey. Come back to me, dearest!!!! I have cookies. No you can’t have any, those are for me. But I do have them, lol. I still have ur ukulele videos dahling. Shupa cute.

I mean I have Kira but she doesn’t really do ukulele anymore and…

Wait, what the fuck am I talking about?

Oh yeah, Lexi. Kelli? No Lexi. Right.

So… notice how both of these came from the same youtube channel? Hollywood Teen ‘Zine. Which… I thought about DLing while I still had the chance. See I used to use this as a thing back then- you know, for research- and seeing it now brings back memories. Not a lot, but some, and the ones I feel are good. They’re pleasant, and they make me all warm and fuzzy. Like I belong.

It’s like seeing I guess a high school yearbook for the first time in ten years, and leafing through it. And you were popular back then. And everyone inside was your friend.

A better feeling one can’t have, not for any amount of money. Total satisfaction. Pride. See those people, there? I made them happy. Each and every one of them. Take THAT, motherfuckers! It’s… nice. Humbling, oddly enough. It’s hard to put into words. This was the height of the things I now realize I liked best. Yeah. Very humbling. It might never be so fun again.

But… Audrey. NO Lexi. Lexi. Right.

So- I guess Ms. Lexi Jayde was apparently an interviewer for this very channel! WTF! But that is what google tells me. I don’t remember her, but I mean, I wasn’t looking. I was there for Kathy. McNamara of course. Not Newton. I mean, I had her twitter for that.

It’s complicated.

But… wow. Apparently this YT channel was owned by Lexi’s aunt! WTF!

So I guess I must’ve known Lexi for quite awhile, maybe a very long while, and not known it. I mean, I used their website too of course, not just the YT channel. So if google is right and Lexi was involved with all of this when she was a kid then yeah I must’ve known Lexi from the time she was quite young. I mean I was likely that channel and site’s biggest fan. I saw everything and I mean everything on it, and those videos do not have many views.

WTF, lol.

God damn, this shit just… IDK. I don’t get it. So is Lexi and me developing a relationship now just… serendipity? I mean did I… make this? Make her? I mean, her career.

Like I apparently did the others?

Or is this again just some weird coincidence? You know, like the outlandish ones that happen to me for some reason on a constant basis?

How long has Lexi actually known me?

I suppose I could go through the videos, one by one, and watch them to find out. Go through my old bookmarks. Look for evidence. Piece together our history together, since apparently we have one.

But…

No. Fuck it.

Lexi…

Whatevs.

Nice legs.

lol.