Sighinide

I don’t… want to die.

I don’t.

I will fix this.

I will.

I will fix it, I will help myself. I will survive this, and move on.

I will.

No going back on that, either.

I will defo fix this, and move on with my life.

There’s no way I won’t.

I will do it. I WILL do it.

I will.

No question. No contest.

I mean this won’t be the last time this happens tho, lol. I’m sure I’ll overdose again, of course. I mean we all know that.

But I WILL fix this.

Tomorrow, maybe. Or next week. But I will. Eventually.

It’s a good thing I’m not an addict, lol. Because on top of all this other stuff, that would be awful, haha.

Yeah, lol.

yeah.

right.

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Ouch.

It’s just that it’s so hard, so very hard, to keep my eyes open, just as it’s so impossible to relax.

Again another overdose, just like the others. Never stops because I can’t stop. I’ll die I know, but I just can’t stop.

One day one of these things is going to get me if I’m not careful. Tramadol, fentanyl, hydromorphone, hydrocodone, morphine, pramipexole, neurotin, ambien, xanax, and who the fuck knows what else I have in my drawers. Ugh, so dangerous. And VERY high dosages- basically max legal level- of ALL of those listed. Even I will die if I’m not careful. And apparently that’s a bad thing. At least, that’s what they tell me. Who knows, maybe it would be the greatest thing ever. Could be.

Though I won’t though.

But whatever, this is stupid. I suppose I’ve embarrassed myself enough this morning.

God I’m just such a ditz.

But whatever. My eyes. It’s so weird, my eyes can’t close as they struggle to keep open. So weird, my body is so confused and overwhelmed.

Well, I’m done, I guess. It’s passed. I’m still here. For now, at least. lol.

sigh

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I think I’m overdosing again, lol.

Gawd it’s just horrible, I can’t fucking move. Spent the whole morning again struggling to squeeze out whatever paltry ounces of air I could suck in. Arms, legs are dead. The nerves I mean. Utterly dead, each finger feels like it weighs a hundred pounds.

Very easy to see why people die from this.

I suppose I should be grateful for a break up of my life’s monotony, but truly, if I had any sense, I would be going to the ER right now, lol.

It’s just everything hurts soooooooo much. Gawd is unbelievably horrid, each breath is such a painful, laborious struggle. Each keystroke here feels like Sisyphus grinding his muscles away against that rock.

Oh god it’s horrible. So dizzy, nauseous. Vision blurry, mind is… gone, somewhere, everything’s foggily groggy. Oof Gawd it just hurts soooooooooooo bad… my nerves are on fire, horribly. Brutally painfully screamingly horribly. Gawd it HURTS ouch, lol. Good lord, this sucks. Someone help me, lol. Someone pleeeeease just help me. Someone please? Anyone? lol.

Nah, nobody cares. lol.

help, the air burns inside of me. Like the oxygen is tearing up my guts. Like it’s searing away at my esophagus as it passes into my lungs. It just burns, the air does. It’s like I’m on fire, on the inside. Someone help me, lol.

I don’t think this is normal, lol. Someone help, lol.

Whatever, lol. ouch, lol. It reeealy hurts tho, lol.

Gawd my eyeballs are burning, so badly, they are, they smolder in their sockets like fireballs from hell. My brain is such mush, lol. Dead grey matter inside the noggin, that’s all, lol. Hey that rhymes. As it hurts. Horrible searing burning flesh inside my guts for no reason.

This… isn’t good.

Oof. Ouch.

So dumb.

So so dumb.

oof.

Oh God it’s just horrible… so utterly, deadfully horrible. This isn’t the way to go. Not even a little. not like this. Not even close. Not even remotely. Not even somewhatly. I can’t die, defo not like this pain is WAAAAAAYYYYYY to intense. Whatevs. Dumb me, stupid me, dumb Tom, stupid Tom, dumbest man in the world, stupidest man ever Tom. Tom the idiot, lol. What have you done to yourself, lol.

Sigh.

Whatever.

I guess I’ll just ride this out and get some breakfast or something.

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… oh.

Wow. No kidding.

Ok then.

Lexi? We… need to talk. Yeah, I didn’t think we needed to either, but here we are.

Wow.

You know guys… I was going to talk about the fires and everything and I will, but… I’m really not in the mood. See I’ve been stewing about something for awhile now and I wanted to chat about that thing, first. But not necessarily in the way that I thought I was going to.

Life is so weird, lol.

Ok. So let’s get on with it. There’s this video:

Yeah I know, it’s just this dumb video about Stefanie Scott, yeah I know. lol. I mean like, yeah. I know! lol.

But… this was the video that introduced me to her. I was trying to find it so I could write about it the other day but gave up after a few seconds, lol. I think I got sidetracked by all the stuff the algorithm gave me, haha.

But… I did find this, though. This one, here:

See, I was going to talk about this, too. I mean there’s Kelli, yeah, and Audrey, but I was going to use this as a example of The Way Things Used To Be, you know with it being made made in 2012 and everyone was all informal and happy. And of course it was the happiness that got me into the group, and got me… happy to be there. This was back in 2012, when everything was best. God damn, Audrey kicked ass, lol. I mean she’s not really in the running any more super unfortunately but like… Kelli is.

Am I greedy? lol. Oh Audrey. Come back to me, dearest!!!! I have cookies. No you can’t have any, those are for me. But I do have them, lol. I still have ur ukulele videos dahling. Shupa cute.

I mean I have Kira but she doesn’t really do ukulele anymore and…

Wait, what the fuck am I talking about?

Oh yeah, Lexi. Kelli? No Lexi. Right.

So… notice how both of these came from the same youtube channel? Hollywood Teen ‘Zine. Which… I thought about DLing while I still had the chance. See I used to use this as a thing back then- you know, for research- and seeing it now brings back memories. Not a lot, but some, and the ones I feel are good. They’re pleasant, and they make me all warm and fuzzy. Like I belong.

It’s like seeing I guess a high school yearbook for the first time in ten years, and leafing through it. And you were popular back then. And everyone inside was your friend.

A better feeling one can’t have, not for any amount of money. Total satisfaction. Pride. See those people, there? I made them happy. Each and every one of them. Take THAT, motherfuckers! It’s… nice. Humbling, oddly enough. It’s hard to put into words. This was the height of the things I now realize I liked best. Yeah. Very humbling. It might never be so fun again.

But… Audrey. NO Lexi. Lexi. Right.

So- I guess Ms. Lexi Jayde was apparently an interviewer for this very channel! WTF! But that is what google tells me. I don’t remember her, but I mean, I wasn’t looking. I was there for Kathy. McNamara of course. Not Newton. I mean, I had her twitter for that.

It’s complicated.

But… wow. Apparently this YT channel was owned by Lexi’s aunt! WTF!

So I guess I must’ve known Lexi for quite awhile, maybe a very long while, and not known it. I mean, I used their website too of course, not just the YT channel. So if google is right and Lexi was involved with all of this when she was a kid then yeah I must’ve known Lexi from the time she was quite young. I mean I was likely that channel and site’s biggest fan. I saw everything and I mean everything on it, and those videos do not have many views.

WTF, lol.

God damn, this shit just… IDK. I don’t get it. So is Lexi and me developing a relationship now just… serendipity? I mean did I… make this? Make her? I mean, her career.

Like I apparently did the others?

Or is this again just some weird coincidence? You know, like the outlandish ones that happen to me for some reason on a constant basis?

How long has Lexi actually known me?

I suppose I could go through the videos, one by one, and watch them to find out. Go through my old bookmarks. Look for evidence. Piece together our history together, since apparently we have one.

But…

No. Fuck it.

Lexi…

Whatevs.

Nice legs.

lol.

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I wonder- is there anyone in this world that actually likes the Kushners? You know them- the Kushners. The ultra creepy Zionist family that gets trotted out in front of the public from time to time, for some reason nobody I know can figure out.

Weird people, they are. Reeeeally fucking weird. They make my skin crawl. Yuck, lol.

So- does anyone out there actually like these guys? Do they have fans? A fan, maybe? I ask because I’ve been looking. I can’t find any.

Nobody on the left likes them, at all. I read articles about them from time to time in “mainstream” (i.e. billionaire controlled) publications like newspapers and magazines like The Atlantic. Nobody there seems to like them. Everyone even in the oligarch rags seems to wish they would just go away, already.

Conservatives of course utterly despise them. As far as I can tell, nobody who admits to voting for Trump in 2016 likes these guys at all. In fact it’s Trump’s supporters who seem to loathe them the most.

I certainly don’t like them. I think I said before on here how Jared is probably the most punchable man in the world, or something. This was years ago, and nothing has changed since then. He still is.

So… what the fuck, lol? Why are these people even here? It’s utterly baffling.

I guess I know something of their history- they supported Clinton, or something, so he thrust them out onto the nation stage as a reward for um, I don’t know, apparently doing something criminal. Probably something that would have gotten them imprisoned at least if this was the 1800’s. Whatever. Then they married into the Trump family, and this country being the giant incestuous oligarch plutocracy that it is, meant that they didn’t go away when the republicans got into power- no, it meant that they of course stayed put, like everyone else in the oligarchy. New president? Different party? Who cares, it’s not like any of these people go away, anyways.

So they just stayed put. And since Trump has only 2 real interests in being President- 1) Create a “family dynasty” like the Bushes and Clintons and Rockefellers and the other oligarchs, and 2) help Israel at all costs, even to the point of destroying his own country- Trump decided to give these people actual influence over nation, despite the fact that they clearly didn’t deserve it, and nobody here asked for or wanted it.

So we get… them.

Hooray.

Yuck.

To me, the Kushners have always represented the worst parts of the oligarchy rolled into one. They’re like Jewish privilege incarnate- they’re there because they’re Jews, not because they’re talented or smart or charismatic. Or because anyone likes them. They’re there because they make Netanyahu happy, and he’s what counts, not us.

They’re there because Daddy hid the bodies of the Clinton Arkansides, not because they’ve given anything of value to the country.

And the usual rest of it- they’re rich, they’re from NYC, blah blah.

They’re there because they annoy me. Annoy us. It’s like Netanyahu in a fit of stereotypical Jewish selfishness installed them specifically to humiliate everyone not of “the tribe”.

That Jared guy- good Lord, what an ridiculous twerp. There is no reason why that guy should be in the White House and not any of the other thousands of mildly gifted people I have known throughout my life, save the “Jewish” factor. Literally, that’s it. That’s the only thing that separates this guy from anyone else who might have taken a few AP classes in high school.

Ok, so… all of that having been said, what now?

I don’t know, there doesn’t seem to be anything else to even say about them. Like, that’s it, lol. I mean, OK, they’re Jews, they’re Zionists. That’s all you can even say, because that’s all they can do.

I’m sure Netanyahu is happy, but what about actual Americans? Doesn’t someone care about us? Anyone?

Hello?

This morning I read about Trump’s big thing on twitter. Apparently something to do with Israel, the middle east, Zionism becoming more accepted, and him blabbing like that was his big thing he was working on, blah blah, who gives a shit.

Seriously? His own country has been burning to the ground for like 6 months now, and he’s crowing about this? What the fuck?

It’s all shit, lol. All of it. All of these people, all of them, everything they say and do. It’s all shit. They all fucking suck, lol.

How dreadfully embarrassing all of this trash is. It’s so shameful to be an American. How did this ugly, dumb country ever become “The Shining City on the Hill” or whatever it is they used to say about us? Who knows. Who cares.

America- Here Lies Israel’s Landfill. A fitting epitaph.

LOL.

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I think the title of this post is self-explanatory.

Zionism needs to go; it seems to be the root of all the evils I’ve described here for the past 500+ posts.

It was Zionism that gave the world the Iraq war, the Syrian war, and Osama Bin Laden. It is the ADL that is driving the censorship of social media and the funding of terrorist groups like “Black Lives Matter”.

Basically, Zionism is the enemy, here.

It needs to be defeated- and if it is, we get our country and our futures back.

Personally, I am tired of being ruled over by a cabal of bizarre Jewish pedophiles with weirdo religious rites and other strange shit.

I’m sick of it, and I can see why now Israel is widely considered the worst nation on Earth when non-Americans are polled.

Seriously- they need to leave the government. The Jewish orgs all need to be shut down, and Zionism needs to be extracted from the government.

Whenever you look beyond the surface of any of the things bothering this country, you find a Zionist. It’s uncanny.

I’ve lived long enough to know what is a coincidence and what isn’t.

They’re pedophiles, they’re traitors, and they’re evil, and with them running the show, we have no future. They seem to see our country as little more than Israel’s garbage dump, as I so eloquently put it below. Anything they don’t want to deal with- whether it’s people or ideas- they dump here, while extracting from this place whatever things of value they can scrounge up for their own personal use.

Seriously guys. This is just profoundly embarrassing.

Is there anybody out there with any kind of influence in the “real world” that understands this and can do something about it? Anyone?

Doesn’t it bother anyone else out there that our military is literally waging wars not to protect itself, but solely to protect some other country that we really shouldn’t have anything to do with, anyways?

Jeez, people. I mean, come on! Why am I like the only person who seems to be concerned about this?

It’s baffling. But, there it is.

Hello?

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Surely there must be some case of white on black violence that wasn’t exaggerated or a hoax. If there was, I don’t remember it. And if there was, it wouldn’t excuse the other 90% of the time in which the media deliberately tried to obscure the truth.

I think it is race that will kill the media, if anything will. If the media is to die, it will die on the cross of racial equality. It’s all of those wrong stories, dozens, hundreds, thousands of them, told over the years, that have and will continue to destroy it’s credibility. It’s the racial angle that is the reason why trust in the mainstream media lies somewhere in the single digits, according to those infamous polls.

They just never tell the truth.

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I often wonder if there is anyone in this world more distrusted than the American newsmedia.

I mean look at this shit, here.

LOL

What do you even say to such stupidity?

The gist of this article is thus: 1) American journalists are people who try to “uncover the truth”, 2) Trump is more of a threat to free speech than, IDK, Biden or Kamala, 3) journalists often make those in power “uncomfortable” with “hard questions” (Seriously, he wrote this! It’s in the article! LOL), and 4) A whole bunch of shit relating to TV, which I’m sure is just as wrong the rest of the garbage he wrote in the article. IDK, I don’t watch TV.

Does this guy actually believe what he wrote, here? I mean it’s possible that he doesn’t- he probably has student loans to pay off and a 401(k) to fund and a whole bunch of other expenses, but… holy shit, dude. LOL.

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt in these situations, but it sure sounds like he believes what he wrote there.

Ugh. Jeebus. It’s just shit, all of it. Just junk. There is little to nothing of value coming from the media, about anything at all. They all suck.

I am tired of them making random shit up and passing it off as news. They do this constantly- and constantly have to be corrected by the public. The press was caught lying for the CDC regarding the COVID death numbers, they had to correct themselves. They were caught lying about Russia (the Trump thing, not the rest of it, although that was a bunch of garbage too) and now they just kinda… don’t talk about it. And on and on, I could list more but that isn’t the point of this post. It doesn’t matter what they talk about, they lie and lie and lie and lie, and keep at it until people (trolls, according to the media itself) get sick of it and rise up and demand the media stop fucking lying to them already.

And nowhere is this more prevalent in the endless and ALWAYS proven wrong stories about black violence- and always, always, and I do mean in like all cases, the media lies here. All cases of white on black violence are hoaxes or exaggerations. I mean ALL OF THEM, for literally years, probably as long as I have been alive. ALL cases of black on white violence have been downplayed, or shuffled under the rug. No matter how many of them there are, no matter if there is actual video of the incident, always the media lies, until fed-up people force the media not too.

Oof, ye gods, the US media is shit, utter shit. There is not one person amongst them that has any sense of honor or decency it seems; and then they wonder why noone respects them or their word. I often wonder if there is some kind of screening test for journalists, where anyone with honesty and integrity is weeded out before graduation.

The media in this country is a major major problem. They just seem to exist to make life difficult and dangerous for everyone not chosen by the Zionists or plutocrats. They seem to live to obfuscate the truth and prop up the empire so as to help it continue it’s destruction and plunder.

Has anyone faced any consequences for Bush’s Iraq war disaster? or Obama’s Syrian war disaster? Or for their enabling of the dumb, pointless riots of 2020?

Anyone remember them trying to pin the blame for those riots on “white supremacists”? Why are there no consequences for these people? It baffles the mind that there is nobody in the ruling class who gives two fucks about having an honest media, or about the health of the USA as a whole. Perhaps it’s because they all profit somehow from news coverage; I don’t know.

But Jeebus, how depressing.

My kingdom for a news outlet that is worth reading, lol.

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500 posts. Wow.

That’s… a lot of posts, lol.

It’s amazing.

A lot has gone on here throughout the years. History has been made here more often than I remember.

But there’s still a lot left to do.

Not necessarily here, but… overall.

Here’s the thing: This time, I am truly sure of it when I say that I am done with my magical studies. Yes- that’s it, I’m done learning. At 40 years old, I’m a master wizard now. I really don’t think there’s anything left to prepare, and with that said, I’m lifting the constraints off of myself. I can cast without undoing, now.

Look out, world. Because holy jeebus, lol. As I said in the past, if this isn’t to your liking I did give you plenty of time to prepare.

Alright then, let’s do this.

So… it’s likely going to different from this point forward. How, I’m not sure; we’ll have to see. But I think I deserve change, and I am ready. Something snapped in me lately, possibly when Cady kicked the bucket. That’s it, I’m done fucking around in here. I know what I need to know, and now it’s time to apply my knowledge to the world at hand.

I mean, outside of my bedroom, lol.

We’ll start slowly at first and see how it goes.

This could be extremely easy, lol. IDK, we’ll see. It might be. I have a feeling that I were to try things would just fall into place in a neat little order: one two and three, for me. It might be just that easy.

Well, regardless, I still have other non-magic things to attend to first, so I will say that the hard part is done at least.

So, other things to attend to: 1) Get off the drugs, 2) fix the depression, 3) Lose that eternal last five pounds to get that six-pack, 4) Get some money, 5) See the dentist, 6) etc. etc.

Whatever. But the point is that the hard stuff is done. Compared to mastering the ability to speak with the dead, going from 190 lbs to 185 should be easy peasy. The money part I am a bit worried about but we’ll see how tough that is. I mean, using my mind I was able to amass a phenomenal collection of precious gems and gold coins on a meager working man’s salary. Getting actual money shouldn’t be… that difficult. I don’t think.

I don’t know. Maybe it will be.

The self-esteem part… IDK, that could be brutal. A lot of times I really don’t like me very much. We’ll need to work on that.

Oh, I don’t know, though. It would be so much easier to throw the constraints back on and… stay in here. LOL. In my cozy. cozy bed, haha.

I’ve had avenues in the past- to possessions, career success, girls, that I wanted, that I spurned because I wasn’t finished with my studies.

With my studies officially over though, maybe now’s the time.

*Yawn*.

Maybe tomorrow.

LOL.

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Ok- let’s just get this out of the way.

I know what you’re thinking.

You think I’m going to tease her.

But that isn’t who I am, people.

I’m all about the love.

Wait, who am I talking about again?

Right. Meg. Meg Donnelly.

I would NEVER tease Meg. Never. I mean, I can think of an armload of reeeeally cheap shots I could lob her way but would I do such a thing to someone so pretty? Nooooooo. Never. I mean, maybe if she were AnnaSophia Robb. I mean, then, sure. Jordyn Jones? I mean yeah, absolutely. Olivia Holt? I mean like why not?

But Meg? Nooooo. I mean I can think of so many nasty little immature-ish mischievous sneaky little barbs that truth be told she probably needs to hear but would I do such a thing? Nahhhhhh. No way, I’m too proper for that.

See, you don’t know me, after all.

Right, Peyton?

Oh wait, Meg. Yes, Meg.

Sorry Zoey, I won’t do that again.

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