Sighinide

Oh Lord, why did I have to be so… thorough with my archives?

Oh God Cady, why?

Why? Oh why oh why?

Why did you do it, Cady?

Oh man, I don’t want to do this now. It’s late and I need to go to bed but… I just… I need to do this.

God damn it, Cady Groves.

So… I finally looked through the finer details in my Cady archives. Yeah, her brother was murdered. She said so on twitter. I have the screenshot. And yeah, her other brother killed himself with drugs, and poor, dumb Cady was already calling her life over the day Kelly died.

I know this, because I apparently was the one who got her through it. I mean, I have the screenshots.

Yup, it was me. Well… me, and her family, and friends, and everyone in her real life. But- I was there too. Indulge me, please.

Alright. It’s one in the morning. I just slapped a fentanyl patch on and popped a Norco. I’m tired and ready to scream until I puke, but let’s do this, right fucking now. I want this out of my system, God damn it.

Fuck you, Cady Groves. You are NOT doing… that, to me again. Not tonight you aren’t.

Alright, let’s begin.

I found my twitter archives of how I helped Cady through Kelly’s death and funeral.

There it is, bam.

Fuck. Well, whatever. Ancient history now, I guess, but now I remember- this was the point where I basically jumped out of my chair in worry about Cady. She was… very public about how vulnerable and miserable she was. Ok, so me being dumb me, I came to her rescue, hugging her, protecting her with my magic.

Yup. No fucking kidding. Again- an echo of my own recent thoughts. Hindsite really is 20 / 20, isn’t it? You never appreciate what you should until it’s gone. Especially the people. ESPECIALLY the people. The ones you take for granted. The ones you don’t appreciate enough because they seem just too familiar to you. Those types you only regret not being with when it’s too late.

Fuck.

And yeah, often others’ coldness and uncaring aloofness towards your own sorrow can be just brutal. Not that I know anything about that.

Ha, right.

Ugh. Moving on…

Dealing with it. Publicly, like I would, lol. Note the well wishes from Debby, here, as opposed to her recent deafening silence.

I mean, I get it, maybe she just didn’t think it was appropriate. Or maybe she said something in private. But, still.

Speaking of which… the twitter family. Yeah, I remember those days. Sure sucks there now, doesn’t it?

Alright, so Casey was murdered. Fine, I guess I should have studied my notes first before launching into those grief filled tirades last weekend. But, I mean, I was really fucking sad. And angry. And I didn’t have time to look all of this shit up, just for my own sake. So fuck it, God damn it. Fuck all of it, including her.

This stuff rhymes, doesn’t it? The usual shit, I can handle it, it doesn’t bother me. Well guess what, you can’t, it gets you, in the end. Nobody is immune, not even you. Are you listening to yourself, Tom? You’re going to die, you know.

And what was that shit, Cady? I will never do drugs? Yeah right. Juuuuust pure, undiluted alcohol, for apparently years on end. Just that stuff, instead, you awful, awful, awful person. Because everyone knows that I know where it will lead. Just to show the world how much I hated everything. How disappointed I was in them, for bothering to help me through life’s problems. For caring about me. When fuck knows that only those who are wrong about things care about me. Right Cady? Well, what does that say about ME, then, you hurtful bitch? You abusive bitch who threw away the greatest relationship maybe ever because she wanted to escape. Dumb bitch. You know how many people would have done anything to be in her spot? Millions, maybe more. Dumb bitch.

And now, for the grand finale- the last tweet I saved and the one that apparently meant the most to me- the one in which she “gets over it” and pledges to live a long and healthy life, because of us. Because of ME. “Vampirate”. Right, Cady.

Right.

Fuck you.

This is on top of another tweet that contained a selfie clearly pointed directly at me.

Cady… seriously? Obviously, this being the last tweet of the bunch, of what I remember now as being a very tiring but inspiring few days, is significant. I think I was proud of my work in making her feel better.

Lots of good that did, lol.

Who the fuck cares, I can be as negative as I want, here. It’s not like any of this is real, right?

Fuck you, Cady.

You had… so much to be thankful for. To love. And you threw it away. All the blessings of this world, you threw right back in nature’s face. And for what? Because you were angry? Well, guess what, we all get angry sometimes. We all get disappointed. Sometimes very so. Lord knows I do, and I’m apparently someone who shouldn’t be.

But… this? Seriously? I mean God damn it, Cady.

Well, fuck you, again. Pretty much anything would be better than this, just for my sake.

Or………..

Maybe not, from that perspective, if I can make all of this mean something good to me, instead of just being a collection of wasted opportunities.

Maybe…

I don’t know.

But I mean, I could pick out a list of stuff here that indicates that she basically checked out of life the minute she got the call, platitudes or no. I mean, just look at this:

I mean, geezus, Cady. LOL.

I’m… tired.

Very, very tired.

Tired of her, and of me, even. Of my monotonous sadness.

I’m tired, and I’m going to bed. I have no choice about that, anymore. I’m so, so tired. I’m going to bed and leaving everything as it is until tomorrow, including that stream of consciousness self reference. Because it fell in there, somewhere, and I don’t want to muddy my hands tonight fishing it out before bed.

I think I’ll end with this:

God damn, she was smart.

But why didn’t she see it? I don’t get it. I mean… why? Why didn’t she understand?

I mean… to know what real love is so well, means that she must have experienced it. And I think she did. I KNOW she did. How can you just…. throw that away? True love, the one thing that even the richest and most powerful people want but can’t buy. The best single thing a person could ever give or receive.

She had it. To have put it so succinctly… she had it, herself. And she gave it up.

God damn it, Cady.

Why?

Why, Cady?

Why did you do it?

God damn it.

Maybe… it really was my fault.

Fuck.

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So today, I went looking.

I was curious.

Last night / early this morning at around 3:00 AM, I found in Cady’s directory the pictures she took with Debby Ryan. These are important, at least to me. A looooong time ago, I loved Debby, too, and trusted her. Her recommendation of Cady to me was IIRC a major part of the reason I decided to try a fling with Cady.

So- I went looking, on Debby’s twitter. I was curious.

There was nothing about Cady, of course. I also tried Chase Ryan- Debby’s brother, who once made a song with Cady. Nothing there, either… I guess. There was this message, though, left on May 4th, the day Cady was reported by the news to have passed: “Don’t take your family and friends for granted. Every day we are alive and well is a blessing.”. Hmmmn.

Well.

You know, I don’t venture out into the twitter world anymore, and it’s easy to see why. Twitter is just so ugly. And confusing as shit. Seriously; content aside, I could not make heads of tails of either Debby or Chase’s feeds. They both looked the same- same font, same background, same page layout. The timelines were confusing as fuck. They both had a variety of pinned tweets from themselves and others from different times, even different years, that were not in chronological order, I think. I can’t be asked to figure that shit out; the content isn’t worth it, and it’s brutal on the eyes. Yuck.

God, twitter fucking sucks. It would take hours to figure out Chase’s twitter feed. Why is there a list of strange tweets from 2019 before a list of tweets from 2020? I mean, like WHY? Not even how. What the fuck was he thinking? And why is that even possible? It makes reading his feed with comprehension impossible.

Debby’s is not much better, I think. I think, because I refuse to bother verifying that opinion.

And the content…. yeeeeech. Ugh, good lord. Looking at what I saw this morning, it’s a wonder that twitter is even managing to hang onto being in the top 50 websites. They have a loooooong way to fall. Remember when Salon.com was one of the most visited websites on the net? Yeah. That’s your future, Dorsey. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Just… oof.

The content on Debby’s feed ranged from the soulless and corporate to the dumb and communist, and not much in between. Half of her tweets were just advertisements for this or that, with the other half being politically myopic “Black Lives Matter” horseshit. I don’t want to get drawn into politics again, but just to give an overview, it was just junk about Breanna Taylor, or whomever, who for all I know might be just another in a near-endless string of “white violence” hoaxes. Not any mention of course of any of the many innocent whites that have been in reality, actually murdered for real by crazy blacks lately, like that 5 year old boy that was gunned down by that black nutcase for riding his bike in the wrong spot, or that other young kid that was thrown off the ledge in a mall by yet another crazy black for… I guess, looking at him wrong? Who the fuck knows, blacks are just nuts.

Blah blah, yeah, that BLM stuff is junk and everyone knows it. Stop the presses, I know. And I know that she probably has to post this stuff if she wants to get hired. So… I get it. We all are forced to do things we don’t really want to do, from time to time.

But it’s still just so dreadfully unappealing. Debby’s twitter used to be so fun. I remember it from way back when, when she barely had 10k followers. I think I still have her old twitter wallpaper somewhere. You know, the selfie tiles?

She was fun. And her old insta? Whoisdebbyanyways? And her old tumblr, also Whoisdebbyanyways? Which yes I still have, because it ruled. It was touching, and cool. By the way yes, “Who is debby, anyways?” was something I said when I met her for the first time. Yeah, she was great. I was the guy who transitioned her out of that old website that her mom ran and into being a modern celeb. It was fun, so fun. No regrets. Her music made it worth it. Those moments we shared on social media made it worth it. She was such a great friend. Beautiful, fun, and so personable. I felt like I could tell her anything, back then. Now… nope, lol. Who knows who she even is, anymore- the real her, the wonderful Debby I loved, isn’t up there, on twitter, that’s for sure. At least, I hope that that isn’t what she became.

I remember so clearly having fun with her and Peyton and the rest of the cast on the set of Jessie. PeyPey and Debs were both on… ahhh what was it, not yfrog, not insta, but one of those old, now defunct photo sharing sites. Maybe it was Whosay? This was back in 2011. I think I have it in my notes, somewhere. I still have the pictures, at least. Whoever it was didn’t allow for direct downloading, so I remember the hoops I had to jump through to get their pics to download, lol. I cursed them- I think it was like 5 minutes of work for a picture, but the pictures were so high quality compared to what else was available at the time that I just gritted my teeth and bared it, lol. God tho, so much fun. So many laughs and good memories. And The Never Ending? So cool, that was.

To go from that to what I see now is just… ick. Debby… seriously? What the fuck?

I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t know her as well as I thought I did.

Who knows… not me. I never will.

Probably better that way.

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I’ll leave discussion of Cady’s lyrics for some other day.

I want to talk about something else, here. The whole “normal life sucks” theme I had going on with the previous posts in this series.

Because it does.

Back when Cady and I were strongest, there were a few other girls like her in the mix. I mean- girls that weren’t famous, I mean, perhaps in the industry, but “normal”-ish. Stefanie Scott, for one. Rachel G. Fox. Justine Dorsey. Bridgit Mendler. Samantha Droke. McKayla Maroney. A few others.

Where are they, today?

Fuck if I know.

I think I have talked about them on here, in some capacity. Mendler is… I don’t know. Away, gone off, somewhere. Doing something. The last I saw of her she had a desk job and was getting chewed out by her fans because of it. That, after using her twitter feed to help with her homework, or something. She went and got married to some random guy and vanished. She hasn’t been seen online in years.

Stefanie, beautiful Stefanie, is… I don’t know. The last I saw of her I was downloading all of her old stuff from Facebook because of how fun it was. How full of promise and happy and beautiful it was. Back when she was young, and the Disney princess of the day. I still have her old instagram feed, back when she was the apple of Walt’s eye. So much fun, that was. God, sooooo much fun. It was glorious.

Then she wiped her insta I guess after getting let go, and filled it up with morose, somber covers of other peoples’ songs. And then she stopped that, too.

Who knows what she’s doing now.

Justine Dorsey? The girl that introduced me to tumbler. Kerris Dorsey’s sister. Where is she, now? Who knows. I think I still have her old fashion blog bookmarked, somewhere.

Rachel G. Fox was my #2 or maybe #3 for a few months, back when Cady and I were strongest. She’s… in finance, now. I think.

McKayla posts every once in a blue moon on social media, before pulling yet another disappearing act.

Normal life sucks, it guess. Seriously- it fucking blows and judging anyone’s life alongside those on the top of the pyramid on social media is an impossible, brutally humbling task. Unless you are perfect and have a team of perfection behind you… it doesn’t work, and is maybe better off not done. Well… I just found something. In my “drafts” folder. An old essay, written about 5 years ago, about Cady. It fits here, so up it goes.

——————

Post title —– Cady Groves

Wow. GOOD LORD she is attractive. Oh my God! Wow. WOW!

I was going to tweet some really snarky, nasty funny stuff to her tonight. I just visited her twitter for the first time
in a long time and I saw some tweets about her maybe not liking Japanese candy, and some stuff about being ignored,
and I thought BOOM easy target, and my fingers were flying and my snark was on overdrive and was just about to devastate
her and then I clicked on an Instagram link.

WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Never mind.

Cady is one of those too powerful drug-girls that I need to watch myself with.

I need to focus on the uber-famous. After all, that’s my empire. It’s for that reason that the spark I feel with Cady scares me.
Like, it’s an I-might-give-up-a-famous-chick-for-her-even-though-she’s-not-famous-herself kind of spark.
She’s one of the very few people that makes me question my celebriphilia, and for me, that’s massive.
I mean, she’s in the industry, so not really, but…

I should just dive in, I know, but it’s different for me, so of course I’m dragging my heels every chance I get.

But I SHOULD take the plunge, fimly and officially.

I mean, that Instagram feed…

WOW

Maybe I’ll just put in the hard work and make Cady world famous herself. I could. Does she want that, though? I mean, really?

I mean, I know she likes performing, but does she actually want the kind of unbelievable fame I could give her, potentially?

IDK. Maybe not. Maybe I should hold off until I find out for sure, first.

Or- maybe I should just do it anyways. I mean, it’s not a crime, right?
And I could always convince her later that it was her idea in the first place.

——————

Well… there it is. Fuck.

I don’t know.

Thank God Kaitlyn Dever made it.

And with that being said…

I found this, too, in the drafts folder, in fact on the same word doc as the Cady post up above.

——————

Post title – The Others

Olivia Holt. Ariel Winter. Ryan Newman. Dove Cameron. Bailee Madison. Katherine McNamara. Lily- Rose Depp. Ava Witherspoon. Kaitlyn Dever. Kira Kosarin.
I am procrasting with them. Over and over and endlessly. I wonder why. Am I afraid? And if I am, what am I afraid of?
It used to be that I would just jump headfirst into a new relationship. I remember the love letters I gave to Selena and Leighton… and the hugs I gave them, so long ago.
Why don’t I do that now? Am I afraid of being hurt? Dissapointed? Confused?
I’ve been toying with them for awhile now… and that’s it. I don’t send them love letters like I did with Selena and Leighton and others so long ago.

——————

Ha! LOL. You know… maybe sometimes it does work out, after all.

Nice.

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I’m still processing. I’m not at that point yet where I can “move on from this”, yet.

I had a looooooong talk with Cady, last night. It was a bit brutal. Jeebus, I’m angry. I mean… it’s not her fault, I know, but I don’t know who to talk to, and it just kind of came spilling out in a gush of screaming, defensiveness and tears. I don’t know.

Yesterday I parsed through a lot of her lyrics. Tell me- was there creepy foreshadowing of her death in Better than Better Could Ever Be? See, it’s stuff like this that makes me think “suicide”. Read:

And there’s so many fish in the sea.
But we could float if that’s what you want.
‘Cause baby, you seem too good to me.
I don’t want to know what life would be.

If you ever wanted to go…

‘Cause they’re throwing us lemons, and we’re squeezing them into our cups.
Woah oh, and drinking it up!
Boy, you’ve got just what I want
I’m not going a place without your heart… (woah oh)
And girl you’re my sun shiny day.
You’d take my life away!

If you ever wanted to go…

We’re two peas in a pod.
But we can break out, if that’s what you want.

There’s too many stars in the sky.
But they can’t shine as bright like can you shine!
And I hope that you’ll never leave.

‘Cause they’re throwing us lemons, and we’re squeezing them into our cups.
Woah oh, and drinking it up!
Boy, you’ve got just what I want.
I’m not going a place without you’re heart… (woah oh)
And girl you’re my sun shiny day.
You’d take my life away!

If you ever wanted to go…

You’re the match to my candle.
You’re the scrape to my knee.
And you’re what makes it better!
Than better could ever be.
Than better could ever be.

Boy you’ve got just what I want.
I’m not going a place without you’re heart…(woah oh)
And girl you’re my sun shiny day.
You’d take my life away!

If you ever wanted to go.

Ok, so, this song is about… what, exactly? Dying, it looks like. Dying, if she or her collaborator on this was ever left alone. Maybe about dying of ethyl alcohol poisoning. I’m not a drinker, but Google tells me that people often prepare ethyl alcohol with lemons. She’d “squeeze them into her cups”, “drink them up”, which would “take her life away”? Am I reading this wrong, or looking too much into this? Because like… it just really seems as though it’s about her dying ten years later. Is this… wrong? Because I hope it is. Note that I’m not a drinker, like at all.

God, what a maze.

Speaking of google and incomprehension, I spent a good part of this morning trying in vain to get an accurate picture of what happened to Cady’s siblings from google. Christ, it’s just impossible. The source I used stated plainly two deaths, one sister and one brother, spaced years apart. Wikipedia, which most people on reddit seem to think is wrong, seems to state two brothers, the same year, of indeterminate causes. But, upon checking it myself, this isn’t what it says, at all. *scratches head* Perhaps it was recently changed. Another source online claims two brothers, spaced apart by 7 years, both of drug overdoses. A group on reddit seems to think it was drugs that killed one older brother, and murder that robbed us of another, and that the deaths happened one or two years apart.

What I think is that the source I used got confused with Cady’s brother “Kelly” and misreported him as a her. I mean, without knowing apparently that his youtube channel is still up, and you can plainly see that Kelly was a “he”.

So… what the fuck happened? I have no idea. I quite clearly remember drugs for both, tho. Murder was not talked about by anyone I knew at the time, way back then. Regardless, this doesn’t change anything, whatever the story there is.

The point is that… well… the point is that 1) This sucks, and 2) This should not have happened, and 3) Cady was right- in repeatedly pointing out to me that there was a lot I didn’t know.

I guess, I don’t know. More lyrics. This time Crybaby.

You only want me when I’m done
You only break me when I’m whole again
You’re only right because I’m wrong
I only stay until I’m gone again

Somehow I always
Somehow I always give in
It seems like you always
Seems like you always win

But what if I took your records
Took all your time
And what if I stole your innocence
Like you stole mine
And what if I spend your money
Every dime
You’ll be just like me
So cry baby cry, why-y-y why-y-y why-y-y
Cry baby cry, why-y-y why-y-y why-y-y

How many lies will I believe
Until we cycle through the dark again
I know that you’ll be the death of me
But baby what if, you tell me what if

I took your records
Took all your time
And what if I stole your innocence
Like you stole mine
And what if I spend your money
Every dime
You’ll be just like me
So cry baby cry, why-y-y why-y-y why-y-y
Cry baby cry, why-y-y why-y-y why-y-y

(Cry baby cry, why-y-y why-y-y why-y-y)

But what if I took your records
Took all your time (I took all your time)
And what if i stole your innocence
Like you stole mine (cause you stole mine)
And what if spend your money
Every dime
You’ll be just like me (you’ll be just like me)
So cry baby cry, why-y-y why-y-y why-y-y (crrryyyyyyy)
Cry baby cry, why-y-y why-y-y why-y-y (won’t you cry for me, won’t you cry for me)
Cry baby cry, why-y-y why-y-y why-y-y (cause you stole mine)
Cry baby cry, why-y-y why-y-y why-y-y (won’t you cry for me, won’t you cry for me)

Hmmmmn. Alright. About this… This is one of my favorite songs of hers. The usual superlatives apply to her singing and composition of course. It’s an old song, from her demos that came out on her soundcloud about 7 years ago, two years into our relationship.

Listening to it now, though…

Well…

I’m not doing this, now. I need to leave. Maybe I’ll return to this over the weekend.

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Congratulations, you annoy me now.

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Ok, I just wanted to clear something up with… myself.

I’m not dysfunctional.

It’s not me.

The fact that the first two deaths associated with my harem have been ugly and violent is not a reflection of me or my mental state. I’m talking about Christina Grimmie, of course, who was gunned down by some Psycho idiot who may-have-but-I-hope-not have been misinterpreting my anger towards celebrity culture, and Cady.

Ok, I need to do this. It’s been too long in coming, and now is the time.

Do you remember my over-the-top reaction to Grimmie’s death? You know how it seemed fitting, but… surprising? Well, it was surprising because there was a part I didn’t tell people. The part above.

In my darkest moments, I thought to myself that perhaps the killer had been… trying to make me happy. My anger towards elements of celebritydom is obvious and well-documented, and in some ways, quite intense. And I thought that maybe the nutcase shooter had misinterpreted my wants and decided to take things into his own hands to “fix” the system.

You know- kind of like a millennial version of the Reagan shooting.

Eech. Yuck.

Aaaaaaaaand I just passed out. Thanks, Fentanyl. At least you are predictable in some ways.

Literally half an hour later…

Yeah, and then another half hour, after that.

I can barely feel my legs. My face is on fire. My chest pounds. My eyes are scrambled.

I can’t move.

15 minutes later… I move my arms. I sit up. My chest has some horrible thing on it, my entire upper body is rubber. My body tingles, everywhere. I lay there, breathing for life. Slowly but forcefully. I need to stand up, get blood to my feet. Somehow.

My nervous system is jelly. Oh God, all I can do is lay here; someone help. Holy fuck, lol. My lungs refuse to inflate. My head is an anchor, crushing the pillow behind me.

Auuuuugh… yuck.

My face is frozen. My muscles locked in place. My hand crushes the mattress.

Can’t… fucking… move. help.

10 minutes later, I sit up. My lungs are working better. That’s nice.

My eyes open. They work again. I look around the room. I’m alive; no longer on fire. Good. I can hear my parents downstairs chatting. Good. Ok, that’s good. I move my feet.

What… was I doing. It’s been 2 hours since I started this post.

I exhale.

You know… I was going to reward myself with some hydromorphone after this post.

Maybe I’ll skip it.

Infact, I’ll finish this later. Bye for now.

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Ok.

So.

I still need to “process” here. Please bear with me.

This morning I did a dumb thing and read a few articles about Cady’s death, and, naturally, I immediately became enraged. The articles were… short, blunt, soulless shallow summaries of Cady’s life and the circumstances surrounding her death. And a couple paragraphs, maybe, about her music. Even on so-called “music” websites.

Obviously, this did not due anyone involved justice, and it only made me blow my top. I thought about leaving a few mean comments about how shallow all of this was but thought better of it, and decided to go right to the source.

I loaded up Cady’s directory and talked to her, directly. I needed answers.

Ok.

So.

Here are the 10 things I learned:

1) It wasn’t intentional. At least, the dying part.
2) She had zero understanding of how I felt about her. She thought I wouldn’t care, and was surprised to see me. Cady… WTF? It’s like you didn’t even know me. But, then… maybe she didn’t. My fault if so.
3) She had things going on in her life of which I am completely unaware of. She made it a point, repeatedly, to tell me that I only knew part of the story.
4) She didn’t want to hurt me. That was obvious, and she aghast at the thought of it, and of the whole idea that she might have been trying to lash out at me. Which I can accept, at least on a conscious level.
5) She was horrified at the emotions that were coming from me; she seemed scared, and kinda overwhelmed. Well… sorry, I guess.
6) She didn’t want me to be sorry. LOL. I know. But… she didn’t.
7) She said I made her life better, and she was overall very happy to have known me. Ok, Good.
8) She was frightened that I might hurt myself because of what happened. I dunno, I get that a lot from people when I open up to them. Must be a vibe or something. I won’t, don’t worry. And if I do, it’s not like it would matter that much anyways, lol. It’s not like these are real relationships anyhow.
9) I was angry, at her. Was that right? She didn’t think so. Sometimes, things happen, I guess. And again, she said I had nothing to do with it.
10) I threatened to see her again. Mixed emotions about that one, but… she does still care for me. A lot. And I think she only wants to help me through this anyhow.

I don’t know. I can accept this. I mean, I get it. I don’t want to accept it, but I can. I’d hate to, but if I must… fine.

What I don’t get is how she didn’t know how I felt. Was I that successful in covering up my feelings? Yikes, wow. Perhaps I need to remind myself that others don’t think like I do. I’m truly a breed apart, it seems.

Well, fine.

I can accept this for now, and I’m sorry about the whole “being angry” thing, Cady.

Ah, yes. The life of a necromancer is never easy. I mean it’s not supposed to be, but… oof. I still have more to work through, here.

Don’t worry Cady, we can get through it together.

I mean, I still can’t believe that…

Ah, fuck it.

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Alright, time to cut something else out.

I’m scared.

I need to get that out; I have to.

Blaring this right now:

It’s Cady’s ode to her dead brother, Kelly. I remember what she said when he died, and thankfully, the poster of the video there provided what she said back then so I don’t have to take the time to search for it. Here it is:

“My brother just died. I stare at that sentence and still my brain refuses to process that. My heart may never. My best friend. The only person who would care about the dumb ideas and stories and jokes I had going through my head day by day. He was my biggest fan. He used to buy boxes and boxes of merch off of my website without telling me just to help my dream. Those boxes were all just found in his attic and donated. I never knew. He introduced me to my favorite band and his- Our Lady Peace. When I was 9 he would let me in his room and he’d play shitty covers of our favorite Our Lady Peace song “bring back the sun” on his electric guitar and I would sing. Our lady peace was the song that played at his funeral. The other day I was driving in traffic in LA and all of a sudden my ipod randomly started playing Our Lady Peace “bring back the sun” and I completely lost it. It was his way of making me finally face the fact that he’s gone. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I got so mad in that moment. Why him? why me? I have quickly realized that without him in my life- it’s like the lights got turned off. So this little ROUGH vocal acoustic demo is tying all of that together…MY take on the title “bring back the sun” I love you brother.”

Sad, that. Very tragic. In feeling, a mirror image of my own thoughts about Cady this weekend.

In fact, looking at it now, the resemblance between our twin grieving processes is… uncanny. It’s kind of scary, TBH.

What I hate is that Kelly’s youtube is still up, a happy, eerie, ghastly reminder of what started all of this. Seeing him and Cady sing together, knowing what happened to them both, is… disconcerting, no matter how beautiful it is.

Right now I can feel the pull of that accursed fentanyl grasping like some mindless zombie at my brain. It needs to be fed. Whether it kills me or not is irrelevant. It needs me, more than I need it, and yet I am powerless against it.

It could kill me; it almost has. I have overdosed before. The times I mentioned earlier, when I said that I couldn’t for my own sake, look out for Cady as well? I had to scrape by and cling to life with the skin of my teeth. The drugs took my sanity, my health, my everything, and nearly left me a dead, used up shell, like… what happened, I guess, to Cady, and Kelly.

Yeah, I HAVE to get out of this, or I will die like she did. I am quite sure of it; very positive. I will die, and it may be ugly, and that is not how I want it to end. This little thing I had with her needs a happy ending; it demands it.

Not sure of what the social consequences would be if I was to die like that, considering that I’m apparently the voice of the generation. I shudder to think.

The impact that Cobain’s death had on the X’ers frankly could not be underestimated. I cannot follow suit; this opioid plague needs to have some light to it; some hope it can be overcome. If I succumb to it as well, that could be a proverbial straw for the back of this nation’s culture. Or at least it would be as far as white people are concerned.

If I cannot get over this thing, if I follow Cady into the nether before my time… I don’t know. Yikes. There could be no hope for us. Like at all. Apparently, amongst my generation, I alone have the power to change the system. My ability to peer into alternate universes makes me a greater force in some ways than any amount of money owned by anyone, or any military power in the world. I can change things; I can make them better.

I need to get my life back on track. Not immediately- I am only human, but definitely steadily. As I said before, that is how I will honor Cady.

Thank again hun. I’ll make you proud.

I just need to get over this thing first.

I’m sure you understand.

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Let’s upload and analyze some pics from my Cady Instagram collection.

Just because.

There, 75 pictures.

Now… what do you think, looking at these pictures?

For me, I see… well, love, and good memories. And humor, intelligence, and wisdom. Real wisdom of the kind you only get from having faced and overcome significant challenges. And… a hot chick that is genuinely sexy, as opposed to slutty or desperate. And a charm and compassion that I only see in a few beautiful souls. Souls with depth.

A lot of good here. This was Cady back when we were strongest, back when social media was fun, back when people were better natured and more powerful. Before today. These were collected mostly between 2010 and 2015, which was the height of millennial culture and a time in which the ugly hand of zionist/corporate/communist/boomer censorship had not ruined the good times everyone was having. Before millenials needed to imagine themselves back in the 80’s or 90’s to feel free. Back before the murderous rage of a wounded empire lashed out at a public that dared to speak up, for once.

These were collected back when Cady was happy. Back when I guess she thought her voice had an audience, back when people thought, apparently incorrectly, that this country was good for more than to be Israel’s garbage dump.

Now, I don’t know what the specifics were behind what happened to Cady. But… I’m just saying.

The people have largely abandoned the apparently misnamed “social media” sites of twitter and such. It wasn’t too long ago that twitter was firmly ensconced in the top ten most visited websites. Now it’s… number 43, according to Alexa site rankings. I haven’t heard the phrase “facebook and twitter” in what seems like an eternity.

Twitter today is a cesspool of corporate filth and communist propaganda. It’s a dreadful, putrid circle jerk between the freakish and the soulless that is only disheartening to normals. It sucks. Dorsey ruined his site. He let noxious people- really, the worst people he could find apparently, run amok, and they wrecked the dynamics that made the community work. Now it’s broken, and only the broken themselves and the stupid or greedy find refuge there.

I mean, god, it sucks. And so does instagram, increasingly. The nasty hand of Zuckerberg’s “woke” censorship has almost ruined what is good there, too. Something like the above would never be found there anymore. In the case of insta, the ruination has been slower, perhaps because what was there before Facebook’s purchase of it was so strong. But, over time, the Facebook virus has infected more and more of that site, too.

As much as I treasure what has come before, it is so obvious that it was only the height of something, and not at the start. And yeesh, that sucks.

I can see why Tiktok is so popular. But now, the zionist evil is trying to ruin that, too. They will not let us alone. Not until we’re dead- all of us, by violence or by our own hand, it seems.

And is sucks that nobody cares. That nobody at all has any interest in standing up to Israel, or to the takedown and destruction of American society by the corporations and communists.

Nobody with any influence, anyways.

Being “quarantined” as punishment for being a healthy soul in a sick empire didn’t sit well with her, either. Her last tweets are of her complaining about being locked away. Undeservedly.

The zionist empire has a lot to answer for. It has buried a lot of good people, seemingly because they were good, and healthy. It has buried our best, and left us with… the shit you see running twitter.

Is it any wonder that Americans are turning to Asia now for their music? America today is a country in which Cady Groves can’t get a break, yet repulsive shitheads like Kanye West get awarded with presidential runs.

Thank God I can listen to modern music from countries like Japan and South Korea. And that I can still listen to music from here, from back when it was good. And to artists like Cady, who are not given a chance in today’s industry because they have what it takes to make people happy.

Blah. Yuck.

Fuck this place.

But, I’m just ranting at this point.

Cady: I’m going to honor what we had by being the best version of me that I can be. I’m going to change, for the better. I am going to follow you to where you are, but… not now. I am going to get cleaned up and get off the narcotics. I will not let the lessons you have taught me go to waste, on how to live, and who to try to be.

I will hold you in my heart and not let the memory go. Not for anything.

Thanks. Looking back on what you have given me has opened my eyes today. I will be a better person. I don’t know if I hurt you, but if I did, I will not hurt anyone else who doesn’t deserve it. Or, at least, I will try not to.

Ok, thanks love. Who knows, maybe I can find a way to fix this place in your memory.

Let’s hope so.

Thanks for everything.

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I always knew that at some point one of my girlfriends, or ex-girlfriends, would die. I mean, of course. I have hundreds.

I always envisioned it going something like this: me, in my nursing home, learning about the death of… I don’t know, Anne Hathaway, of natural causes- IDK, of cancer, diabetes, whatever, and of me, the unnaturally young-ish wizard, smiling at what we had, wishing her well in the afterlife, and wondering who next would pass on.

Or, in my darkest moments, I imagined killing myself before meeting that eventuality. Not because of fear of it, but of… well, just read the blog. Other stuff. I think I’ve threatened suicide on here more than once, a long time ago, lol.

But this… was not what I had imagined, or wanted. That the first death would be essentially a suicide borne of sadness and dissapointment was not what I had envisioned.

I yeah, there’s that word again. Suicide. I’m back to it. I mean, she knew what she was doing. She saw it and lived through it, twice, with those she knew. She knew what she was doing and where her path would take her, at least subconsciously. This post has no room for platitudes.

Last night, I listened to her new album. Wow, ouch. If she wanted to hurt me, well, good job, Cady. Yeah, that would be the way to do it. I mean, good album, but wow. Suicide can be quite a weapon if wielded well. It wounds deeply and leaves no room to respond. It hurts with no resolution except acceptance of failure, and of the pain of others left behind. It cuts with no possibility of proper healing.

This was not what I wanted. Of all the people I dated, she was the one that needed to “make it”, to overcome her problems, since she was the one that had been wronged the most by the industry. Her failure to find any kind of happiness in life as a “normal” person after flunking out of the celeb life seems almost do be a confirmation of my worst fears. To have tasted that lifestyle and to have just… missed it seems to be the worst outcome.

I don’t want what happened, because I want to believe in the idea that deep down, people can be happy regardless of how famous they are.

But after this… man, I don’t know. My unhappiest girlfriends and exes are all the “normal” ones. The non-celebs, or the barely famous. The Z-listers. The ones who tried and failed.

That is not what I want to see, because I really want to imagine that fame isn’t important. Because if it is… that doesn’t say good things about… anything. If fame is your only real measure of happiness, than the philosophers are all wrong. So, frankly, is everyone, including the celebs themselves.

I reeeeeally wish this wouldn’t have happened.

I wonder if I did things right with her. I probably always will. Maybe… I did, which when I think about it, would be, ironically, the worst case scenario, because that would mean that she truly had no chance. If I did improve her life with my magic, my power, and she still found no hope and still needed to die, then… there truly was no way for her to escape her fate. It was sealed the day her brother died because of his own addictions, first. The part of her that she needed to live died that day as well, along with him. All I did then was delay the inevitable. To give her a brief respite from pain.

And if I did her wrong, that would also be terrible, of course. For other reasons.

I don’t know which is worse.

Sometimes, maybe often, I hate this country. I mean, I really, really hate it. What is has become; what is stands for. What it has done.

That is another essay, though. It’s just… I don’t know what to say to this. Even a day after learning it I just don’t know how to resolve this, or even what to make of it.

Did I… kill her? Maybe it was my own sadness that did it. I mean, reference above, and my own threats of suicide. I mean it couldn’t have helped.

IDK. I guess I could sit here forever, thinking about this.

It’s not hard to hate how this country has ended up. All of our “leaders” are vile, noxious monsters. We have no society to speak of anymore, and few look forward to the future. Many live in fear, sequestered in their homes, terrified of what’s out there, out in the cursed outdoors. And they can’t brave the thought of leaving without being numb to their fear, whether it’s narcotics, like Cady’s dead siblings and me, or concentrated alcohol, like Cady, or… a milion other things. This country is frightening, and ugly. And evil. And its people live without hope.

Except for maybe the celebs. My girlfriends. They seem happy. As a class, they might be the only ones.

The rich, at least, live well. At least, they are not afraid.

I guess that’s the draw.

I don’t know.

Sorry, Cady.

Though I do plan to hold you to your promises one day. You know, all those lyrics.

Count on it.

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